Hey all.
First - Leaving sucks. Said goodbye to the kids before heading to my brother. Said goodbye to my wife before she left for her IC appointment and that I'd be gone when she came back. She cried, said I'm sorry again and then said, "Please come back." I told her to remember what we discussed about her figuring things out during IC and about NC. I told her a great deal is up to her. Doesn’t mean it’ll work, but unless she puts in the effort we’ve got no shot whatsoever. So, I'm now set up in my brother's guest room. Big thank you to him and my SIL. I think last night was the first time in over 23 years I voluntarily (i.e., not medical or job related) slept away from home while my wife was still there. Weird. And sad.
Crack addict analogy - Someone corrected my analogy of her being like a crack addict. I agree with the distinction. Addicted yes, but different. Thanks. Good point.
HurtingBigTime – Thanks so much for your post. Another one for me to print out and read over and over again. Much appreciated.
Her friend who had an affair – I really don’t get where you guys are coming from on this at all. She said her husband had found out and they’re not doing well. I don’t know if it was a recent affair or some time ago. I didn’t ask. None of her friends ever encouraged my wife to have an affair, and they don’t know about hers. Why should she betray her friend’s confidence? I would actually think less of her if she did. I believe she should be transparent about things that affect us. This does not affect us, if anything, seeing what her friend is dealing with should be helpful. But it is not my businesses who had an affair. Do I start asking her to gossip about anyone now in the name of transparency and if she declines, as she should, I should accuse her of withholding information? I just don’t get this.
I have IC tonight – need to discuss mind movies, the affair, all these feelings I have running around about myself, none of them positive. I need to start a list for IC.
Whether or not my wife is on SI. I do agree her timing is suspicious. However, per our computer records – no, she’s not. And no, private browsing does not matter to a key logger / monitoring program. I have two possibilities besides just her doing what’s right, a) she is on here, but on her phone. I have not checked her internet history there, or b) her sister is on and is feeding her info. I don't really have a problem either way. Maybe it's a good thing to see what she's done and how much damage she's caused. Anyway, I'm not going to worry about it. If this helps her do the right thing, I’m all for it.
There have been so many posts, it’s hard to follow all of them but I just wanted to take a moment and thank all of you who have been so supportive – eric, nekorb, western, livinganew, mike7, 1985, nononsense, longtimesucker, wanthistostop, Happy, Cajun, Bigger, HouseofPlane, MrHealed, Hobbes, CanoeVA, and so many others. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now for something not so nice. Warning, rant ahead. I’ll preface by saying I appreciate everyone’s time and the effort it takes to post on a complete stranger’s thread. I also appreciate that emotions can run high – hell, mine are through the roof. But I’ll ask a few of you to please cool it a bit. You may have good points and things for me to think about, but it gets lost in your delivery.
I apologize for singling posters out, and the mods will probably be upset with me, but I'm going to use kimichi as an example. Please start reading your posts back on page 33 until now. They’re angry posts. And maybe on my behalf, but in a very early post you mentioned you were a “burn the witches” type of person when it comes to infidelity. With that POV, do you think your anger is helpful to me? I hope I’m not offending you, hey, we’re all anonymous here, but I’m using this as an example for others to think about before they post. Here are a few excerpts:
Just trying to analyse the details is pissing me off.
Even looking back at the text trying to quote it makes me want to puke!!!
So he will always be her soulmate that missed out because she had to make the sacrifice her love for family. She is back with you because it is the "right " thing to do by her family. Not for you. You matter little
She doesn't love. She feels guilty. She knows you for a couple of decades, so she hates hurting you. But she doesn't love you.
yeah, he fed her ego my ass. She enjoyed the sex and she initiated it.
she doesn't know jackshit about what the fuck she is talking about. She is in self preservation mode and is just talking out of her ass.
Maybe you haven't realized how fake and selfish she has become over the years
And when you said that you never had any interest in doing that with anyone, it probably came as incredibly weak to your wife. For a faithful loving spouse, that is the best thing you can tell them but to someone who had a several months intimate affair with another man, it will be incredibly weak.
This woman is a huge hypocrite. She couldn't bear her lover or her husband being with other women
She chose to be selfish. She felt entitled.
You have an idealized version of her in your mind. The wife she was in your mind will never be back. You probably have this new wife act like her for you but she will never be back. She cannot be another person
How did you not even suspect when this is happening ? How did she manage it so well?
You will never get the relationship to back where it was. Her affair polluted and will pollute everything in the future.
If you as a couple never had anal sex, do you realize how she went on preparing for it ? She had no prior knowledge about it. It requires a lot of research and "preparation" for someone doing it the first time. How did she prepare for it ? Where did she get the information ? Did she google it up ? Did she do it on her phone or PC ?
The love she felt for him during the recent months is anything more than what she feels for you right now.
She bashed you pretty bad to the OM.
You are consistently trashing my wife. Forget whether I should be defending her or not, or even whether she deserves it or not. How does this help me? What’s the goal? The angle? You want me to kick her to the curb? Burn her? I’m not seeing advice, I’m seeing ranting and as much as I try to not let them affect me, they do. A lot.
Look at the one with you example of compartmentalizing. Do you really expect me to ask her those questions? Maybe in a year from now. Maybe. But now? You want me to ask her what websites she looked up how to have anal sex on? What lube she used? How long it took to get herself ready? Did she use a few dildos first to prepare? How big where they? Should I ask how big he was too? Should I question what position they used when they first tried it? Really? WTF?
I’m telling you that the above paragraph took me about 10 minutes to write because I nearly was physically sick in the process and started hyperventilating. Care to guess how I reacted when I read your initial post? Nothing "nearly" about it. And involuntary. So question: why would you do that to me? Seriously. Why? And I haven’t been on too many other threads as it’s really difficult at this point to read other people’s stories – too many triggers – I can only imagine that if people are doing it here, they’re doing to others as well. Is that fair to them? Advice? Yes, please. 2x4’s? hard to take, but yes too. But anger, and bashing, and complete insensitivity? I just don’t understand why you’d subject someone to that. End of rant.
I fly out tomorrow morning. As you can imagine, I’m really looking forward to getting away. I need it. I’m going to try and not post while I’m gone, but I probably will. Can’t help myself. Thanks again to everyone.
-W
[This message edited by Walloped at 11:53 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]
