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I Can Relate :
For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 11:13 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2016

It is almost surreal when you find out years later. My Dday was around 25 years after the fact. WH can't remember exactly, and I guess I believe him, 25 years is a long time. It is true that it doesn't matter how long ago, the hurt is like it happened yesterday. He had sex with a "friend". They screwed around for abut a year, while I was traveling for work.

I am not sure what I would have done if I had found out at the time, pretty sure I would have left him. My life would have been different, I may have found an honest man, may have found a serial cheater. The years before and after were good, so we decided on R.

The problem is, my history is not what I thought it was. The last 25 years was a lie. We had dinners with OW and her BH almost every weekend before I found out. It was all a lie. She pretended to be my friend, my husband pretended he was a good faithful man.

Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R

posts: 2361   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2014
id 7661056

iamanidiot ( member #47257) posted at 10:00 AM on Friday, September 16th, 2016

trustedg - From your profile:

I guess I went into denial. A therapist told me it is common, you don’t want to go there because it will hurt if you confront the issue, you also are afraid of the outcome.

I think that this is a common issue FTWFOL.

I knew something was wrong. My WS was distant. When questioned she kept finding issues with me, with our relationship. You ask about the new male friend lurking in the shadows and you get answers like 'nothing is happening', ' just company', 'someone to talk to'.

And you just you don't go there because you are trying to keep the peace. Trying to fix your relationship, to make things better.

And you are naive. You are in love. And you are planning a future together.

Me BS,57 Her WS,552 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years agoD-day 27/12/14At least I still have my sense of humor.I need it.Coming to grips with it all3 Adult childrenStill married

posts: 478   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2015   ·   location: South Africa
id 7662189

Nvrgsawy ( member #54739) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2016

(trustedg), I found out seventeen years after my WW A. I feel your agony, it changes the whole dynamic of your marriage. Its been a lot of years since then and I'm still trying to get answers about her relationship with the OP. It just keeps me on the roller coaster. Strength your way.

posts: 93   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Nj
id 7672558

dreamlife ( member #8142) posted at 4:43 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2016

The OW was going to take me out to lunch...she was my "friend...then she began telling me what had happened after our son had been killed...the ONS had been about 5 years ago when I was grieving horribly!

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

"He called me a bitch.
I called him an ambulance."
Linda H.)

posts: 26209   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2005
id 7672631

iamanidiot ( member #47257) posted at 11:22 AM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

For Those That Found Out Years Later :

There is NO chance of divorce - because you have lived together possibly in a good space for many years since the A's happened.

The WS feels that they have done the work & should be allowed to move on - because they gave you a pretty good life since then.

The WS feels you should "just get over it" - because it was such a long time ago.

You can NEVER find out exactly what happened - because the memories of both the BS & WS are clouded by time.

The BS's memories are stronger - because the strange behavior from the WS was very hurtful.

The WS's memories of that time are only of the good times with the AP - because of the highs they felt from the excitement & lust emotions

The WS' memories of you are all BAD - because they needed to use you as the excuse to have the A.

The WS did not even know that you existed - because every breathe they took was about THEM.

The WS's memories will have faded with time - because only high lights will stand out.

(this is because they were on an emotional high, it was all about feelings, excitement, LUST & stolen moments - no concrete memories)

The WS does NOT know how BAD it was for your!!- pick any of the above reasons.

Your memories have been etched indelibly into your mind - because of the pain you had in trying to understand what was wrong......

Moving on from DDay is pure HELL

- you have no outlet for your emotions.

- you cannot confide in anybody

- you are scared that one child may not be yours

- your WS wants normal life to go on.

- you wonder to yourself "what is a normal life?"

- your 'wonderful & loving' spouse messed up and willingly slept with another, in your bed, in your car, on your settee,

- doing things you NEVER did together.

- you realise the WS carried on living with you, without a conscience!

- you figure that your WS never intending to tell you EVER!

- and then you start to read between the lines, and start to understand what actually went down.(Almost like getting your own version of TT)

- and when you find out, there is NOTHING you can do.

You are still in love with this parent of your children. You like the life you both have grown into. You probably buried each other parents. You now (finally) have strong ties together.

Infidelity SUCKS whenever it happened.

I hope this helps at least one person out there.

Me BS,57 Her WS,552 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years agoD-day 27/12/14At least I still have my sense of humor.I need it.Coming to grips with it all3 Adult childrenStill married

posts: 478   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2015   ·   location: South Africa
id 7689047

ivehadit01 ( member #54210) posted at 9:54 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

iamanidiot , plenty of people divorce in situations similar to yours (as most of them should) . So there is some chance for that.

From what you've written , it seems that what your WW has shown you is regret but hasn't risen to level of remorse yet, and she , for most part , wants to rug sweep her As (and the recent kiss with her friend?). Is that accurate?

I mean , from what I've read , it seems like your relationship is somewhat one-sided .

Why haven't you confided in anyone ? It might be hard to do at first, but once you do it , it will really help you.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 3:55 PM, October 20th (Thursday)]

posts: 569   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2016
id 7689556

Forgotten ( new member #55703) posted at 12:14 AM on Friday, October 21st, 2016

I too lost my son 20 years ago at the age of 11. I found out three years ago my husband had an affair with our then 24 year old dnl. We had two grandsons from her. My family has been ripped apart after she told my stepson. My three remaining children who were raised in church have been devastated. My life will never be the same. Thirty years of building a family to have been ripped apart. The worst part I loaned her 2500.00 during their divorce and never heard from her again. Sitting at my holidays, camping and birthdays and doing grandpa. I loved those two boys as grandsons now I can't lay eyes on them. My stepson forgave his father. I didn't do the crime but I'm doing the time for sure

posts: 24   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Washington
id 7689642

Gaveup2008 ( new member #55709) posted at 1:11 PM on Friday, October 21st, 2016

I feel for those of you that didn't find out for 20-30 yrs after the fact. Big (((HUGS))) to you. I happen to find out about 7 yrs after WS first PA. He had actually had 3 conseutively.

After I found out about he others, I could look back at those yrs, I knew there was something different in his actions, disposition, but could never put my finger on it.

So have any of youi tried to reconcile, gave up, Divorced, and yrs later tried to reconcile again. MY WS made a point to tell me several times, That God had forgiven him, and wasn't anything he could do to help or make me forgive him.

The problem has never been that I couldn't forgive him, I did forgive him, multiple times, for a muultitude of lies, half truths, and sneaking around behind my back. Of course WS can't see it that way. I guess I was hoping when we got back together, that he would have finally realized whay I divorced him. It wasn't for what he did. It was because he wasn't man enough to help me recovery.

{at the time}
November 2005
1st D-day Friday before Thanksgiving
Married 12 yrs, together 16
In false R from a week after D-Day, until May of 2007

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tennessee
id 7689980

Forgotten ( new member #55703) posted at 2:50 AM on Sunday, October 23rd, 2016

I figured it out 12 years later. My h had an affair with our 24 yr. old dnl he was 52. She was married to my stepson and lived up the road in our duplex with our two grandsons. She ran to me for help constantly, was at every holiday, camping trips etc. our 12 year old son had committed suicide just 4 years earlier. My step son left her 6 years ago and she came to me and borrowed 2500.00 and I never saw her again. She has to be a psociapath who else could do grandpa and smile in grandmas face. I feel the same, the 30 year marriage is over, I'll never be the same, he didn't protect me from her and abandon me at the worse time in my life. I almost killed myself I was so distract. The dnl told my stepson after I sent her a letter asking how could you. My stepson told our other four children the family blew apart and still the siblings don't talk. How can people be so selfish. He has cried and said he had a midlife crisis. She had numerous affairs I'm lucky I didn't get something but the worse part is he was mean to me on a camping trip in front of her and our friends, they stayed up by the campfire together. All of the memories I thought were good are not traumatic. I wish this would stop running through my heart and mind it's been three years.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Washington
id 7691059

TheOneWhoLived ( member #56267) posted at 12:54 AM on Monday, December 5th, 2016

Not sure if I should post here or in "I Can Relate" but hi! I'm new. But old. And not a spouse (thanks be to God) but rather a child (now an adult) who had the unpleasant experience of finding out UnFit/UnFaithful Parent (hereafter U.F.P.) had been so, for the entirety of my parents' truly awful marriage, and my entire life. The bad marriage is what led to my estrangement from them. How did I find out, you ask? U.F.P.'s "wonderful" uber religious (not the good kind of religious the very very bad kind of religious) family decided to reveal the second family U.F.P. had been stringing along for several decades IN THE OBITUARY.

This has had, as you could imagine, all the emotional, financial, and legal repercussions that you would expect. Years later, it is still ongoing. And likely will be for decades to come. I am legally U.F.P.'s only child. You think I'm just going to roll over and show my belly? Guess again. They picked the wrong one to rile.

When I reestablished contact with U.F.P.'s immediate family (siblings of U.F.P.) after reading said obituary (months after the funeral), I objected rather harshly that I remembered the second family and that they were around for the whole of my life.

I was then subjected to hundreds of pages of charming emails telling me how "delusional" and "obsessed" I was and was told verbally it "was all in my mind" and "never happened" by the other parent and child (hereafter The Others).

This "family" (I use the word loosely) has so much gaslight around it, they're practically Victorian freaking England. U.F.P.'s siblings (and parents, apparently), support The Others 100% because they're (in U.F.P.'s family's estimation) in the "right" religion. (Newsflash to no one, I am not.) So they are completely onboard with The Others badmouthing me and making me out to be some kind of halfwit with a poor memory. (In reality I have an excellent memory. For very specific details. Which has been, and will be, to The Others' utter undoing.)

I have, of course, vindicated myself and gathered all the necessary evidence proving that The Others were, indeed, hanging around my whole life like a bad cough, but they continued (and continue--love Facebook, *such* a resource--note my sarcasm) to push the "crazy estranged relative" angle. And they still defame me, my intellect, my moral fortitude, my (lack of their) religion, etc. to all and sundry.

U.F.P.'s family, like Pilate at the crucifixion, appears to have washed their hands of me, and are leaving me to The Others to be dealt with. Their mistake. Which they shall shortly be coming to regret. Deeply.

So I have decided it's time to fight fire with fire. The Others want to push the narrative that they had no contact with U.F.P. and family for decades? OK, let's roll with that. Problem for them is, this particular narrative has one gaping hole in it big enough to drive one of those autonomous semis through. Which I shall be doing presently. The parcel en route won't be ticking, but it will certainly make an impact. (You good people have seen the movie Armageddon, yes? Imagine it without the happy ending.)

Like Leviathan rising from the depths, I intend to take down at least three "families" with this latest salvo. Say I'm delusional, will you? Use a helpless child as your pawn and alibi to cover up your sins? Attempt to block my access to paperwork I am legally entitled to? Say hello to the long arm of a vengeful and anonymous God, bent purely upon your utter destruction.

TL;DR Cheating muppets! Pay attention! This is how your actual children feel, towards your extracurricular activities, and any resultant crotchfruit thereof! Hint: You may think you can get away with it, but it WILL come out. When it does, it ain't gonna be pretty. The longer the time interval, the worse it's going to be (guaranteed) for all concerned. Of course, U.F.P. thought they could escape through death...but it was an ugly, STI-related, death. At an earlier age than they should have lived to. It's the rest of us living who now have to try and get some justice out of the mess.

Don't be U.F.P., cheaters. Try and find some small scrap of human decency in your blackened little cinder chips of souls. Otherwise your actual kids might be haunting YOU like a bad curse. Even after death.

Thanks for listening. Mods, if this should be moved, please do so. (Or removed, if you like.)

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?” ― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

posts: 53   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2016
id 7721101

Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 9:06 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2017

Total recall.

I realize this particular forum doesn't get seen as often on the boards, but for those of us who have found out years later, what is your experience with finding out what you need to know?

My fWW has been working really hard to help build the timeline. However, I still get stonewalled with a lot of "I don't remember" moments - which actually hurts some - if it was important enough to break our vows at the time, it should at least be memorable.

No cell phones in that era, at least until the very end of the A and they didn't utilize email, just the good old fashioned phone plugged into the wall. So, recall is my only shot at figuring all of this out.

I even get - "yeah, that probably happened that day, but I don't want to say if I don't remember for sure" bits thrown in there too.

The catch is, I don't want a unique version of TT with her remembering bits later down the road.

Any success out there in putting together old puzzles like this?

Married 35+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored.
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4699   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 7749575

koenkath ( new member #56738) posted at 7:51 PM on Saturday, January 7th, 2017

My father is leaving my mother after 50 years of marriage. His 10-yr affair finally caught up with him, and he has chosen to live with his mistress. My mother has been a homemaker since the birth of my oldest sister in 1972. Now she is completely lost, and not one of the few who are close to her has a clue how to relate. I am seeking advice on how to help my 74-yo mother, who has been the real provider for her now-grown children, and who finds herself suddenly without companionship in the final phases of her life. Is anyone out there?

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2017
id 7750383

2frayedsouls ( member #48177) posted at 3:35 AM on Sunday, January 8th, 2017

Oldwounds....I get lots of "I don't remember exact dates/details" as well. I think years of trying to bury things does that. My husband willoccasionally have memories triggered by IC sessions and will share them, but this many years out I have the big picture, but not all the fine details. No cell phones at the time, just work emails and landlines from a nonexistent employer. My husband was drinking a lot then so that doesn't help either. At this point I am trying to accept that there are some details I will just never know, but I am satisfied he isn't purposefully withholding. It sucks, but it is what it is. Sorry you are sharing this experience.

Me: BW Him: WH one son, one daughter

posts: 513   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 7750715

2frayedsouls ( member #48177) posted at 3:39 AM on Sunday, January 8th, 2017

koenkath: so sorry for you and your mom. Maybe try posting in Just Found Out...or General...they have greater readership than this thread.

Me: BW Him: WH one son, one daughter

posts: 513   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 7750719

Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 4:48 PM on Monday, January 9th, 2017

Thanks for the reply 2frayedsouls - it is a fairly unique "I Can Relate' situation to learn of the A so long after the fact.

In a weird way, I think I'm 'lucky' it wasn't the era of cell phones with cameras and texts - I can't imagine having to read the conversations or see photographic evidence. It is bad enough as is.

I do think my fWW is trying to remember, but ultimately I have to hope there is no purposeful withholding - I don't want to learn anything new and substantial years from now.

Married 35+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored.
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4699   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 7751854

2frayedsouls ( member #48177) posted at 8:12 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2017


In a weird way, I think I'm 'lucky' it wasn't the era of cell phones with cameras and texts

I agree with this sentiment. While I absolutely hate having had infidelity in my story at all, I try to look for small measures of grace when I can find them. I already obsess too much on what I know from then...

And if I had found out then I don't know that my fwh would have ever gotten healthy...I wouldn't have my two children, etc. My fwh did a sizable about face and worked to become a better person before he told me. Since d-day he has gone to IC to confront his final issues, and we have grown tremendously individually and together over the course of the past 17 years...especially the last two. I am thankful for the changes, and try to battle my resentment that his healing and changing came at my expense.

Me: BW Him: WH one son, one daughter

posts: 513   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 7753114

Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 9:19 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2017

While I absolutely hate having had infidelity in my story at all, I try to look for small measures of grace when I can find them. I already obsess too much on what I know from then...

Well said. Small measures of grace indeed.

And the obsession part too.

My wife also did a bunch of soul searching during the time the A was kept a secret. At first she silently blamed me, then the quality of our M, but the sense of responsibility finally evolved far enough along for her to let me back in.

We did always manage to put our sons first, and it is kind of the building block we are starting with, the mutual respect as loving parents who did a good job with the now grown up rug rats.

I wish for continued healing to you and yours.

Married 35+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored.
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4699   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 7753191

iamanidiot ( member #47257) posted at 3:03 PM on Thursday, January 12th, 2017


Any success out there in putting together old puzzles like this?

The problem with 'affairs that happened long ago' is lack of evidence. But when you re-examine past situations, in hindsight, a lot of lights go on and events that NEVER made sense before, become clear and start to make sense. Too much sense.

Like she surprised me by going on birth control.... oh yes, now I learn that it was after she became pregnant by AP2 and had an abortion.

We always went to the beach, but this one time she was so adamant, she WANTED to go to the local swimming pool, caused a BIG fight between us. Of course now I hear AP was there.

I gave up figuring things out when she told me the specific position that got her pregnant. It became our favorite after we married - 18 months later.

Me BS,57 Her WS,552 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years agoD-day 27/12/14At least I still have my sense of humor.I need it.Coming to grips with it all3 Adult childrenStill married

posts: 478   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2015   ·   location: South Africa
id 7754980

TheOneWhoLived ( member #56267) posted at 12:03 AM on Monday, January 16th, 2017

So, a post on how to find info. City archives are your best friend. The Others claim they never lived in the same city as my family? It's "all in [my] mind"? Well looky here, you're also in the phone book! Both parent AND child. With the child reiterating ad nauseam in writing they "never even visited [city]." Ya don't say....

Contacting The Others may not be an option for people here, I get that. If you're able to, though, I highly recommend it. They'll lie like cheap rugs, and in the process of poking holes in their falsehoods, 99 times out of 100, you'll get to the truth. Give them enough rope, and they'll do 90% of the work for you, is what I'm saying.

Also, don't despair if the Events were pre-social media; these self-centred exhibitionistic muppets are usually so self-absorbed, they post their past as well as their present on MyFaceTwittit etc. Ohhh but you can't get past their blocked profiles you say?

Behold,! (Hereafter DDG.) This is a search engine that will fill all your need-to-know needs. So, the first thing you want to enter into DDG is:

site:www.[StupidSocialMediaSite].com "[Muppet's Name Here]" !g

(Customize string as necessary.)

Having trouble seeing anything on the links that come back? Replace "www" in the URL with "m" without the quotes. Bob's your uncle! And look, here are pictures of "Uncle Bob" with The Others in 2007, when the muppet said they had no contact!

Those are the most effective techniques I've utilized over the past few years. Hope they are of use to you lovely people in bringing your own muppets down.

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?” ― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

posts: 53   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2016
id 7758160

badenov ( new member #42173) posted at 1:19 PM on Monday, January 30th, 2017

In April of 2013 my WW finally disclosed that she had a 2 month "kissing only" affair with the local douchebag (DB). DB had a reputation for screwing married men's wives). According to WW, they had two official dates, one travelling 90 miles to an event and the other in our home as I was away on a trip with our two oldest children.

All of this happened 22 years before she finally disclosed, albeit minimally, that she had done this. I had asked her many times throughout the years, based on sketchy evidence I had found, if anything had happened between her and DB. She was always adamant that nothing had gone on ... they were just friends, I was crazy to think such a thing, how could you think I could do something like that to you, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, I would always believe her. But, after thinking about it for a while, I would then recognize how things just didn't add up. I guess it was possible but highly unlikely that events unfolded as she described.

I had found a hidden note "DB, I want to be with you". I had found a picture of a nude man's torso holding his junk at the end of our driveway (face hidden). I had found sexy lingerie in our dryer (must have been the baby sitter's.) She had admitted that there was a rumor floating around town that she was involved in an affair (nothing to it, you know how town gossip is). A local lady had called our phone to complain to my wife about an unrelated issue. During her conversation I heard the lady screaming at my wife "well what about the affair you're having with DB!".

In March of 2013, I told her I was leaving. I didn't believe her continual lies, we would sell our house, and go our separate ways. I left for a week, went out of state to work and clear my head. When I got back she finally confirmed what I had long known.

Even though I knew, it was rough hearing what she offered up (pretty much just a fraction of the whole story). The two dates, kissing several times, he touched her breast on the outside of her clothes one time, and that was the end of the affair.

So now, 4 years later, and 4 polygraph exams later (mixed results) the TT and lies are still leaking out. I get a lot of "I just can't remember" (which may be the truth) and minimizing the actual events. Kissing went from 2 - 3 times, then to 5 - 6 times, then to "probably every time we had the opportunity we were kissing. "I had never been in his house" to "I was in his house but nothing could have happened as his daughter was there" to "Yes, we were making out in his house".

This has not been a fun journey. This site has been a real blessing for me and has helped me through the rough days. My wife has made several attempts to get help for her "truth problem" but I'm not sure she's found the right counselor yet. We've had several attempts at marriage counseling but I told her that it would not work if she was still lying. She was so I abandoned MC with her.

Otherwise, in most cases, she's mostly been doing the right things. We're still trying but this infidelity thing is tough to shake. Life could be so good if we could marry the person we think our spouse will be. Obviously, that's not always the case.

Thanks for listening to my story. It helps to just write it out sometimes.

[This message edited by badenov at 6:41 AM, February 15th (Wednesday)]

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2014
id 7771076
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