[Repost from Just Found Out forum as this thread is more in the I Can Relate zone]
I think I voted myself least likely to ever post in a forum specialized in the discussion of unfaithful partners. As it turns out, I was wrong about a lot of things.
I am still learning the acronyms and terminology, but my dday was June 14th. So, around seven weeks. I have been reading these forums for about a month. Thanks to a lot of you year in advance, your stories have made me feel a bit more sane along the way.
All of our stories are both unique and similar. My circumstances are a little odd compared to a lot of what I have read here so far. My WW had her near six year LTA earlier in our marriage with a coworker.
Thus, my choice of username, I'm dealing with some old wounds that feel brand new.
I knew the guy. We had dinner with his family. They were 'just friends' and while I had very strong suspicions, I was always willing to believe her when she said nothing was going on. She had FOO, she had postpartum depression, she was pregnant with our youngest son when it started. She was only 25 at the time - we had been married just 5-years at that point, and with all those emotions and hormones, the coworker who was 7-years older than her took full advantage of her vulnerability and lack of coping skills.
That said, it may have started as a manipulation, but it ended with her not wanting it to end. Three torrid years where they gathered in my home after I went to work - almost every weekend. One year where AP was 'trying' to end it, she talked him back in for a very short time. Two years after he dumped her, he came back to start up again, they kissed, had a secret meeting, but she finally turned him down. A couple years of him trying to keep up phone contact, but she chose her family, our sons mainly and the marriage continued.
Emotionally, she retreated into a shell and I got the obligated person who pretty much blamed me for something I didn't even know had happened. This went on for about 5-years before she said she wanted a divorce in 2011. I asked to at least know why, so we went to MC. She didn't fully explain why she was angry, however, during the counseling she learned how much I still loved her and we learned to open up and start rebuilding us.
I still always felt like she was still not all in - information was missing. The pattern of her getting close to coworkers seemed like it was inside our boundaries. And then she said she was ready to tell me what happened.
In the seven weeks since, discovering you are not who you thought you were or that your relationship was not what I thought it was -- well, most of you here know.
Unfortunately, she has answered all of my questions. It was quite the affair. Six years in all and then it messed up the next decade.
She is all in now. We are both in IC and MC and she is totally tuned in to my pain, trying to put up with my constant mood swings and being the person who I thought I married in the first place.
However, that doesn't make the pain vanish.
I know I am supposed to take my time on this, but I am already in R mode. I know people will push back on this. She chose horribly, but she chose to stay in each instance when it would have been easier to quit. She had a tough life, did some things I would have never considered -- and yet, I love her as much as ever.
My esteem with her is hurt, but I'm certain if I chose to move on, I could find someone else. That isn't what I signed up for.
The trust issues, boundaries, will have to be rebuilt for sure. This pain and these nearly two months of nightmare visions replaying their time together are incredibly draining. However, I've read some amazing posts here regarding perseverance -- whether they are in R mode or moving on. Grief is brutal. I've survived grief in other circumstances, I can survive this.
Thanks for listening (well, thanks for reading).