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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Lawyerman posted 12/6/2017 04:07 AM

I'm in the club too and I still don't think she gets it. She seems to think because it was 18 years ago and she has been perfect ever since, it makes it better. The fact I have suspected all that time, driven myself nuts, drank heavily to avoid the feelings and now she tells me.......I'll just get over that shall I?

We also had kids in between. I had kids with someone who was prepared to hide something from me that might destroy our relationship. We built a life together. We are tied up financially. It would be a huge mess if we split now.

Do I believe she is faithful now? Yes. Do I believe she has told me the whole truth about what happened then? Probably not.

She can't believe I don't believe her. She says she didn't tell me as she was scared I would leave her. So how do I believe now that the 'truth' I have is not something she thinks will make me stop asking but not quite bad enough to break us up? If more comes out in the future will it be 'I was scared you would leave me, you must understand that'.

The only real way is polygraph I suppose and to be honest, it's done and in the past. I have kids to raise and it's not their fault. I have a business to run and I'm not throwing that away because she couldn't keep her hands to herself. She's done enough damage.

Once the kids are grown, maybe then we do the poly and go from there. In the mean time I'm going day to day and trying to be kind. Trust is gone. Respect will need building back up.

steadychevy posted 12/6/2017 08:45 AM

I used a polygraph to determine if there were any others or if there had been contact with the most recent AP after it supposedly ended. WW passed with "flying colours" as expressed in the verbal and written results.

There's still an awful lot I don't know about the adultery because she can't remember (and won't try). However, I do think the poly results are true.

TiredSoul2017 posted 12/7/2017 19:56 PM

I found out in late July early August my husband had a four month affair with a coworker in 2004. I was pregnant with our son who is 12.5. I was devastated.

Lefty posted 12/8/2017 14:18 PM

Tired Soul ... this is a good forum to read thru. When you first find out about the affair, it does not matter how many years have passed, to you it just happened yesterday. I thought that I should be able to get over it quickly because it happened so many years ago, and my husband had made many changes in his behaviour., but I had a lost of struggles moving past it. Reading in this forum helped me see that my responses were normal, and I learned to accept them and start to heal. Good luck in your recovery.

[This message edited by Lefty at 2:38 PM, December 8th (Friday)]

Lawyerman posted 12/9/2017 10:06 AM

That's one thing I would like my WW to understand. IT'S NOT BLOODY 18 YEARS AGO. It's a few months ago. She wants credit for her normal behavior in between to be stacked against it.

I don't care. The fact that it was 18 years and I only know in 2017 makes it 1000 times worse. I don't know how to get that through to her.

Thisfknsux posted 12/9/2017 21:32 PM

Just reading through the forum because I belong here too. My WH confessed to a ONS that he had in 2003 when we had been married 3 years. Dday was 2 years ago but TT just ended a few months ago. I often mourn the life I "should've had" could've had". The decision process in 2003 would have been much different than it is now. Back then we didn't have 4 wonderful children. I would never wish things to change so that my sweet babies weren't here but I feel so much anguish over the lies that happened throughout our entire marriage. Another aspect that always bothers me is that even after the ONS that he claims he regretted immediately there were times throughout our marriage when I doubted relationships he had with females and he's always been the type to be flirty and look at strangers... He has always checked out women right in front of me. In 2004 he had sexual thoughts for a family friend.... 2009 he was too close to a coworker, 2016 he was inappropriate with my friend from work. How am I to believe he regretted the ONS but still treated me this way? I also feel stupid looking back now at our marriage....why did I put up with this? I think I always told myself well, he's not cheating so it's not that bad. But now I know he had cheated yet still continued to disrespect me with his actions and thoughts. Oh my GOD.... I AM SO SICK OF FEELING THIS WAY!!!

[This message edited by Thisfknsux at 9:40 PM, December 9th (Saturday)]

pechuli posted 12/23/2017 00:04 AM

Been married 36 years. Found out that he had an affair with cw in 2004. Ended six months later but he still kept seeing her a a friend for 12 yrs behind my back till I found out two years ago. Still devastated, humiliated and utterly bewildered at his complete betrayal of me. The man I married was truthful and honest. He is adament that he never stopped loving me and is completely remorseful about his disgusting behaviour. I still love the idiot butbhow do I begin to believe in him again? Also I was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2004 and the stress now is chasing severe symptoms. I am a complete wreck

Oldwounds posted 12/23/2017 02:44 AM

The fact that it was 18 years and I only know in 2017 makes it 1000 times worse. I don't know how to get that through to her.

A year or two ago, actor Chris Pratt was in a movie called 'Passengers' -- a sci-fi film that basically shows an example of what it is to have your reality altered without your knowledge. You think you're on one path, but you don't have the real story.

It is a great way to point out what it is like to have the truth hidden from you.

That and your wife needs to know that your brain is only understanding is that the pain is brand NEW, right now -- not 18-years ago. She is the only one who experienced this stuff in real time.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 2:45 AM, December 23rd (Saturday)]

marty67 posted 12/23/2017 03:18 AM

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:11 PM, December 23rd (Saturday)]

steadychevy posted 12/23/2017 05:53 AM

Mod, please.

Catalyst35 posted 12/29/2017 09:24 AM

I never thought Iíd be here. About ten years ago I had only been married a short time with a new baby. My husband was on a layover and accidentally butt dialed my phone. I heard the entire conversation. I let it play out over an hour. I was irrate. I finally hung up and rang his phone several times, but he never answered because clearly he was busy. Ten years pass, heís lost his job, we lost our home (long story, building issue), so I brought up this incident. He denied they had sex after he returned home from his trip. So, two nights ago he finally came clean. Even though Iíve known for ten years, him coming clean feels like it happened yesterday. I left yesterday and stayed in a hotel to get away. I havenít had the same feelings for him ever since I took his accidental call, but I stayed because I gave up my career and had a baby. Now Iím trapped with the truth and nowhere to run.

Catalyst35 posted 12/29/2017 13:56 PM

Exactly. I was faced with the same response. Since it was ten years ago, it's irrelevant. The worst part, and I reminded him, was that that evening when I found out (after listening to the incident for an hour, ad nauseum), he would not answer his phone. So I texted his that I had a 911 with the kids and that he needs to call me back right away. Crickets...what he was doing was way more important.
I feel like I'm stuck in a fake world, and that I'm a total fake. I can't tell anyone and I have to keep on pretending that, well, since it was ten years ago, it never happened. I suppose I have only to think the way he thinks.

Catalyst35 posted 12/29/2017 13:58 PM

"That and your wife needs to know that your brain is only understanding is that the pain is brand NEW, right now -- not 18-years ago. She is the only one who experienced this stuff in real time."

Nailed it. It's over for him, but the clarity is new for me.

chapmtl posted 1/4/2018 15:48 PM

I have been going through pain for 23 years, married 28.

Thought all was solved 3 years ago (approx) when wife took a poly and past with "flying" colors.

Here is the problem. It makes no sense. She lied about something 3months later that seemed insignificant but an obvious lie. You don't lie about the simple things but stay transparent about sex and cheating.

This week I realized another 2 white lies when something happened. One proves what someone here wrote on this or the last page. She never loved me enough to be honest with me.

I am really questioning the poly we took. There is no way something can be so skewed towards innocence on 4 different topics. Just curious if others also feel this way about a poly.

Off topic, I don't have words to tell you all how I feel when I see the courage you all have to put down the details and reality I try so hard to avoid.

[This message edited by chapmtl at 3:47 AM, January 6th (Saturday)]

Lawyerman posted 1/6/2018 09:00 AM

I talked to WW about this earlier today and she told me it categorically is not worse to find out later. I actually said it's better in some ways, worse in others. But she said that's not true at all, then got really upset and did the 'you think I'm a horrible person' thing again.

I am really starting to think we are not going to get through this. I didn't shout and I didn't say it in a nasty way but she said again that I'm just being nasty.

Oldwounds posted 1/6/2018 09:17 AM

But she said that's not true at all...

She is telling you how YOU feel about finding out later?

No empathy is tough.

Some people suggest the infidelity lasts as long as the secret does. I don't agree with that assertion, but I understand why folks consider it that way due to the lie of omission.

It is all the exact same horrible emotional trauma, regardless of when you discover the truth.

After 19-months of trying to find some sense of 'better' to find out years later, I came up with a couple things. One, my wife's A was pre-digitial age. No cell phones with 1000's of texts, pics and videos to each other. I think all that stuff would be hurtful to see and read. Second, my wife did get herself out of the A and realized on her own that it never fixed anything and only made life worse at every level. And because of that, I don't have the cognitive dissonance (the fog) or an AP that she hasn't been interested in for a decade or two.

Not much 'better' for finding out years later at all.

sickofsurviving posted 1/6/2018 09:25 AM

I think it's both better and worse to find out years later.

I feel like he stole my life. So many years. His A started when we had been married 3 years. If I had known the truth then, I would have left in a heartbeat.

Now, I'm kind of stuck. I am financially dependent on him. I haven't worked in about 6 years due to serious health problems.

I want to divorce so bad. I can't imagine staying with someone who could look me in the face and lie. Year after year. All the while still being in contact with his AP. Because she's family. So, on top of everything else, there's incest.

He still shows no remorse. At all. It's all about him. Still. He minimizes, defends, screams at me for asking questions. Hell, he tells at me for crying. Screamed at me the other day that all I ever do anymore is fucking cry. Yes. I know. I flipping HATE it too.

Ugh. Sorry. I guess I kind of had a melt down. Things are so bad for me right now. I have gotten to where I pretty consistently consider suicide just to get away from him, and the pain.

My whole life has been awful. I was kicked out by my alcoholic parents at 14. I really thought my WH was my reward for surviving my shit life. Boy, did I get that wrong. Like my screen name, I am just flat sick of surviving. Nothing gets better. There is just more, worse pain around every corner.

I guess I needed to vent today. If you've gotten this far, thank you. I have never felt more alone in my life.

Lawyerman posted 1/6/2018 11:18 AM

Thanks. I just think back. If she had told me then, we could have split or not. No kids. Small mortgage. Plenty of life left to start again. We could have worked through it or decided it was finished. But she let me go through the thought process and commitment needed to have children without a MASSIVE bit of information.

It was a hard choice. To give your life over to those kids, thinking you could provide a stable home when it was all a lie. I don't know if I'm just being dramatic or something. But that's how it feels. It feels like she has done that to my kids. She allowed them to be born into a family built on a lie. WTF is that all about? How could she do that to them, never mind me? Now it will be my fault if can't be 'fixed' as she said.

This morning I opened a letter from my bank in the mail box. Didn't read it and threw it back in, thinking I would file it in 'the shed' later. She went out with the kids and took it. I don't even know what it said. Is that normal? It was my mail and she took it.

Currently re-planning my home once all her crap is removed.

eclectic posted 1/8/2018 14:47 PM

Lawyerman your comment on something your wife said

'then got really upset and did the 'you think I'm a horrible person' thing again.'

this really resonated with me. I found out by accident 11 years later that my DH had written and recorded a load of very heartfelt songs/poems to a 21 year old who worked with us. he was 42 at the time and myself 44. We worked together too in business. He was very upset when I confronted him and I was told it was a crush that just went too far on his side and she knew nothing. An awful lot of texting went on both ways at the time though having checked back on bills so i am still suspicious. Dont know if I will ever get full truth but i too get the same comment if I ever try and mention anything to do with it. Its been 13 months now and not once has he brought it up voluntarily, it has only ever come up as part of an argument/discussion and even then that was mainly in first 5 months. As it happens I dont think he is a horrible person, I think its horrible cruel behaviour and sweeping it under the rug doesnt get rid of the hurt. he once said to me 'I made a very bad mistake at a point when I clearly had lost the plot and honestly think you want me to grovel' -- actually to be honest--yes I did!!!

OneInTheSame posted 1/8/2018 23:55 PM

How late is too late to tell the AP's spouse? In this case it has been over 21 years, and the AP was a serial cheater -- at least in the early years of their marriage. Is there ever a case where you should let sleeping dogs lie?

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