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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Gr8Lady posted 1/16/2014 00:45 AM

Although we are separated . What bothers me is the in laws expect and badger me that it is in the past , and at our declining age I should accept the ongoing infidelities. I must also report he is financially irresponsible, and habitually lies. As long as I do no find out or have no tangible evidence....he is good To go. Who does this?.
So very tired of the blame shifting by him, and Inlaws.

crossroads2010 posted 1/16/2014 04:22 AM

I think this thread will help me at this stage. My H and I have been together for about 40 years. As a teen, he had a very intense relationship that dissolved. Three years later we started dating...I never knew about her. 15 years later, we are settling into our first house, careers, parenthood (my first was 2) and she looks him up, they have an A. I did not know at the time. 20 years later...2009...he is going through midlife crisis(or whatever) looks her up...another A. I find out about a month into it...totally blindsided...can't figure out who this person is...where he met her...etc. He confesses to the other A. Four years later we are trying to R, but I am still in shock. How did I not know about all this all these years??? How do I ever trust him again...how could he have kept this secret all these years???

Dallas2 posted 1/28/2014 15:47 PM

Gr8Lady- Your inlaws are set in theri ways and I imagine it is hard for them to accept that their son is a dirtbag. You have also been part of their family for years and they probably don't want to lose you either. Just my thought.

Crossroads2010- I am not sure how a WS keeps the secret so long. Mine kept it seven and I know he would've never told me if we weren't already on the way to a D. I don't think I will ever understand it. He said it was to protect me but I think it was there all the time. He started drinking and we became roomates(not friendly ones.)

I keep reading to trust but verify. To me that is not trusting, it is verifying. If I trusted I wouldn't need to verify. I see you registered the same year I did. I think time helps and so does SI. He needs to do whatever you ask him to do to help rebuild your trust. The first time I asked my H to call me whenever he left the office he got all pissy about and then I explained why to him. He complied and it helped me start trusting again. He had to be an open book nothing was kept to himself, nothing.

crossroads2010 posted 1/30/2014 05:21 AM

Dallas....I have also started reading/posting in the EU thread...it fits my situation also...the R thread is great, but many of the WS are truly remorseful and not EU like mine and dealing with finding out about a past A that was apparently going on right under your nose and not knowing is a different issue.

When I caught my fWH having A with old gf OW 4 years ago, he confessed to the one 20 years prior. He did this to justify the current one in his mind...after all he had buried feelings...it was not like he just met someone and had an A... he probably thought that would make me feel better(???). Actually, it made HIM feel better about what he had done...he wasn't protecting me by keeping the secret all those years...he was protecting him!

I have fully accepted that I probably will never trust him again...not so much because of the A 4 years ago, but because of the 20 year secret. You are right if you are verifying you aren't trusting. I verify much less than I did, but part of the reason is because it is exhausting and I find myself not caring as much...just don't want to be made a fool again...no more blindsided.

Dallas2 posted 1/30/2014 13:12 PM

Crossroads- I agree it gets very tiresome to keep checking. I also know my FWH is much better on the computer and stuff than I am. He has divided hard drives and crap like that. I think at some level I will never trust him completely again. I wonder if this means we will never be completely reconciled. I don't know how anybody who has lived with a WS who lies to them for years can ever trust them again.

You bring about an issue I am afraid I may be facing soon. Even my MC and her fellow MC's couldn't understand why he confessed after all this time. I have been wondering if he didn't have another A during that time he did tell. There are a few things that I wonder about and must ask him. I agree I don't want to be made a fool again.

crossroads2010 posted 2/3/2014 05:50 AM

Same here with the computer skills, but I am not as incompetent as he thinks and a lot of that is having a need to learn the last 4 years. Why does your H say he kept the secret so long? It is curious. I also wonder about who else knew and did not tell me. Had my H not looked her up and started the A 4 years ago, he would have not ever told me...it must have run through his head many times over 20 years...I could have very possible run into her at some point during our life. He has an uncanny knack for forgetting things...really...he can just block things out. But even so...even with the A 20 years before, I am skeptical that there was not more recent contact...he DID also contact another old gf about the same time so maybe he just started looking up old gfs.

Dallas2 posted 2/5/2014 09:04 AM

If I knew why he kept that secret for long and then decide to confess I would be a sane woman. I will never understand it although now I am questioning wheather or not there was a more recent one that he was hiding and to keep me from finding out confessed to the old one. You know how it is. It's just a feeling I have and one that grows instead of going away. It really bugs me too as we finally have dealt with and survived his old A. Maybe these thoughts of other A's is just a way to keep me on my toes or else there is something to it. I have to ask but have all sorts or nightmares aboutthe answers and effects.

Sounds like your H was hitting midlife crisis. My H had his A at 12 years in ou M. I have since found out that is a common time. I always heard of the 7 year itch, not 12.

Daysie posted 2/5/2014 11:29 AM

Hi Everyone - I hope you don't mind me crashing this forum.

I am coming up for my 1st anniversary of DD. My WH admitted to an "A" with my then BF 32yrs ago. I have been struggling with it all and can't understand why he never told me before.

He was ill last year and we have been told he has BPD. When he had this episode this crap all came out. I contacted my now XBF and she confirmed it all.

My WH told me it happened only twice and he isn't sure it even happened the second time He says he never remembered it before and thinks it was just his illness inventing memories. What I did find out from my XBF was that it went on for 6 weeks but WH says he can't tie anything into her story.

I just can't move forward as I don't know what to believe

How do you put back all these years and was I the only one in this marriage? WH says he has always loved me and never wanted anyone else. He never brings up any discussion about the "A" and its as if he shuts down when I try to talk about it.

He says that he has no memory of it apart from the first encounter so he can't answer any of my questions.

I just go round and round in circles - Has anyone else had to deal with this ??? Would benefit from some advice. Thank you

somanyyears posted 2/5/2014 12:44 PM


How do you put back all these years and was I the only one in this marriage? WH says he has always loved me and never wanted anyone else. He never brings up any discussion about the "A" and its as if he shuts down when I try to talk about it.

He says that he has no memory of it apart from the first encounter so he can't answer any of my questions.

..we hear this a lot .. always loved us, shuts down when questions are asked; so long ago.. can't answer our questions..

..I got the same.. I agree.. it's all 'crazy-making'

..my 40 years of M was all under lies and deception..

..don't be too quick in accepting his 'only twice' story.. all too often, it is a total minimizing of the actual extent of their activities. My WW's first explanation was ' a few bj's over two years' ... that was only the tip of the iceberg..

..was really many, many bj's over 18 years!!!

..wish i had some good advice on getting the whole truth out of them. If they don't want to tell, you can't make them.

Hope you get to a place of peace..


Daysie posted 2/5/2014 13:49 PM


Thank you for taking the time to reply.

On the whole we have had a very good marriage - I have never felt unloved and have always been close to my WH. It's so hard to think back and try to remember what was going on then

Our children are aware of this now as he felt he had to tell them what he had done. They just can't believe that he did this. My son has taken it harder than my daughter and finds it very difficult at present to engage with him.

"A's" have a huge impact on the whole family

I guess I am also angry that at this time in life we should be enjoying our time together and not having to live through this nightmare.

Oh how I hate him at times . Still not sure if we can every come back from this?????

crossroads2010 posted 2/7/2014 05:00 AM

Yes...classic MLC...big job promotion, new fancy car...new meds...lots of new confidence. A for whatever reason would have had the same effect on me, but finding out about the one he had with her Dallas
20 years prior was the most devastating. At that time in our life things were good...we were settling into our first house, working on careers/school, our first was a toddler...life was good and we were happy and he had a 2 week A with her and kept it a secret for ALL these years??!!If he can deceive that easily, how can I ever trust him?

I do think he has blocked it to a degree. My H has always had memory issues...really...gets a lot of stuff events and time periods mixed up...I have always worried about this some. We don't talk about the A anymore b/c he just gets defensive and turns it around so I end up frustrated, so I just don't, but the day is coming where I will have to ask very specific things if I am ever going to really move on. My H big thing to say was that I was not and would never be second to anyone. Not true...he put his feelings, wants, needs, etc. before mine every time he ever had contact with her. It is good that you had a source to get info from...I wonder who else knew about the A 20 years ago...did our friends then know and kept the secret from me also??? I am really surprise that your H told your kids...my H would never voluntarily tell ours.

Daysie posted 2/10/2014 11:22 AM

Hi crossroads2010
I am not sure that finding out from my XBF was a good idea. It has left me with lots of unanswered questions. When we met up I was so shocked by what she told me that I didn't follow through and ask for more details .

Like many here I don't think I will ever find out the right story - I can't believe that my WH has forgotten all the details I had from XBF.

As I said in earlier posts my WH had a severe manic episode and this is when it all came out. During this period his personality changed dramatically and this was when he told our grown children.

I am still in limbo and dread another manic episode in case I get knocked back again with further information.

I really think that my WH is a conflict avoider - he will do anything other than bring up the "A". He just keeps saying how sorry he is and he can't understand what was happening to him mentally during this period - just makes me feel

Brokenhearted49 posted 3/1/2014 06:23 AM

Hi All! Although Im sorry that any of us are here, its so good to see others in the same situation and not feel like im alone.

My H and I are in pretty successful R, mostly due to the fact that he had completely "gotten away with it", and came to me, risking everything so he could get the OW out of our lives. She was my best friend and my daughters Godmother. They had a fling for about 6 months and then he broke it off as she was getting too controlling and he found she was quite the bitch. She then used me, the dumb clueless fool I was, to keep herself involved in his life.

So, 3 years after it ended , he came clean. I know it was more to get her out of our lives than it was his conscience nagging at him, which kind of bothers me, but Im a realist. In the end, our marriage is the better for the R process, but I sure would have rather have him done something different to express his unhappiness.

I'm 10 mos past Dday and in some ways I'm better and in others I will never be the same. Unfortunately for me, I can honestly say I love my H which makes things easier and harder at the same time.

I go through stages where I don't think about it for a while. Then its all I can think about. I have a lot of anger towards the OW and my H for doing this to me. There's a part of me, I'll never get back.

but everyone needs to just keeping moving on and keep the faith. More importantly, "Trust, but verify."

Best to all and wishing you a good day!

SadInNC posted 3/1/2014 13:43 PM

Hello everyone. I found out in Dec 2013 that my H had an A that ended about 3 years ago. I came across an old facebook message that she had sent him. Luckily, they are dated, so I knew it was from 2010. Still, my world came crashing down. My husband has always proudly said, "I would never cheat on you!" I always believed him. Until that day.

He knew her before he met me. An old girlfriend who he looked up on facebook. Facebook. Here is where it really hurts me. My mother was dying and very sick with Alzheimers. I was taking care of her 24/7. WH had mentioned to me that he was in contact with his old friends from Florida on Facebook and how great it would be to go and visit them. They invited him down for a weekend fishing trip in Dec 2009. I felt SORRY FOR MY HUSBAND due to all the stress & sadness with my mother being so ill. SORRY FOR HIM? I GET SO MAD ABOUT THAT NOW. I am the one who needed a weekend getaway, not his cheating, lying ass. Anyway, I buy him a plane ticket and drive him to the airport and kiss him goodbye. I pray for his safe journey.

After he got back, he continued an EA talking, texting and emailing her for about a year. He has never given me a solid answer on exactly when he ended it. Sometime in late 2010 is his best answer...? Ugh. He also TT'd a ton and outright lied about things that I later got from the OW's sister. So, do I trust him? Not so much.

Weekend PA and yearlong EA and now it is 3 years later. I have been hounding him about "other" affairs. How can I be sure that this has been the only one? You all understand where I am coming from. He of course, says it was just the one A.

I made him tell our kids. Our youngest is 15 and I felt that they would find out anyway. He came home that first night on DDay and sat them all down and told them, including my niece who is like a daughter to us. He cried. They cried. I cried. I ranted and raved. Not the picture perfect family. I wanted him to do that because I felt that he needed to "own" what he had done. I wasn't sure if we were going to S or D or R and I wanted the kids to know WHY things were rocky with Mom and Dad.

He has tried many times to pull the "I don't remember" card. I tell him that's not good enough and he better think harder and remember. Still, there are holes and missing details. We are trying to R. Very hard. Most days I truly believe that he loves me and I love him. We both want to make it work, but can we? I have no answers.

deena04 posted 3/6/2014 09:40 AM

How did I miss this? This is me, while I found out 22 months after and not several years, but I feel like my relationship is a lie! It happened once and over a year before we married, but finding out four months after marriage sucks! I would have run and never looked back. Now I am stuck deciding to R or D. We were living together at the time, FYI. I hate what this honeymoon period has become. Technically giving it time so R I guess, but not so sure.

Dallas2 posted 4/23/2014 09:05 AM

It's been 4 years, 1 week, and three days since DDay. For tthe first time I didn't have a meltdown I actually didn't even remember the day at all.

My FWH and I have been planning a future together and it dawned on me I don't want to be M to him any longer. I haven't decided about a future but I don't want to be M to him.

My M was good for twelve years and then something happened. I felt it and knew what it was but everytime I asked he said No. He kept these lies up for seven years and then continued with lies and half truths after he confessed.

He did say he was sorry and I felt sorry for him as my MC said he had punished himself for years. What punishment? I ask myself now.

I guess I would say we have been in false R. For me I thought it was real. I went to IC, MC, read books and tried. He never wanted to talk about the A or how it has affected both of us. He never wanted to read any books or continue with IC or MC. Last time I mentioned it he said he would go, I just had to find someone. He really put some effort into this M of ours.

I don't believe the A was our undoing but the lies and lack of effort on his part to help save the M. In my state we have to seperate for a year for the D to happen and I am going to file as soon I finish with the financial stuff. Twenty three years of M and twentyeight years together is a lot to sort through.

I think the time is right for me I'm not pissed off at him to point where I could skin him alive just sad that he destroyed us and he really doesn't get it.

dameia posted 4/23/2014 14:05 PM


I'm so sorry that you're getting a D. Mostly because it sounds like you wasted the last 4 years trying to save the M all by yourself. Have you told your WH that you plan on filing?

deena04 posted 4/23/2014 19:34 PM

Not sure if I belong here, but I found out 20 months after and it had happened before we married, but were living together in a committed relationship talking marriage here and there. We were only married 4 months when I found out. It sucks finding out later because I could have changed my plans for staying in it easier before marriage and moving into our dream home we bought. We were renting when it happened. Glad I stumbled upon this thread.

Dallas2 posted 4/24/2014 08:44 AM

deena04- It doesn't matter how long after the A was over that you found out about the A just that it was over.

It sucks no matter how long ago the A was. The WS kept us in the dark on purpose and denied us the dignity to make our own choice on the matter.

How do we fight for something we didn't even know was gone?

What else is he doing to try and make it better? Sounds like maybe he really is sorry and doesn't want to lose you.

Have you started IC or MC yet? If not I would at least the IC for you first and then MC. I would be mad if at the first sign of trouble he runs and also worried about when real trouble hits the M.

When our S or P cheats and then carries the secret it is so hard to rebuild trust and respect for them again. I know it can be done I've read about it on other forums. I just know it is hard for both partners.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 4/25/2014 10:47 AM

@ MeanieMouse...Oh my goodness! I just read your post and can't believe how close it is to MY situation! I just found out 6 1/2 months ago that my H had a short A with my brother's wife, 25 years ago! (they were together 2, maybe 3 times during an 8 or 9 month period that this woman chased him) At the time, we were having SERIOUS marital problems and of course she knew it from being in our family, and it gave her the opportunity she had been waiting on for several years. (I found out she had had 'feelings' for my husband for a long time before the A).Anyway, I have SO many thoughts and questions! I have some things I have to get done right now, but wanted to give you a head's up to watch for me, and I will post again as soon as I can. (hopefully later today). I'm so anxious to "talk" more with you about your friend.

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