Oh my - a topic I can really identify with. We have been married over 40 years, always had a good relationship; we actually really “like” each other. About 25 years ago I was going through some medical issues and my H and I were not having sex. The OW, a friend of mine, married to his good friend, approached him. He told her he would have sex with her as long as she understood it was just sex and nothing more. He figured he wasn’t “getting any” and it was just sex, not much different than masturbating. She agreed and they met up once or twice a month when I was out of town on business. Eventually, after about a year, he got disgusted with himself and with her and stopped it. He said he felt horrible about it and decided that would never happen again. Says it was the worst mistake of his life.
I am not sure why but either during the A or just after she decided I needed to know, started dropping hints. I didn’t want to believe either one of them would do this so I guess I went into denial. A therapist told me it is common, you don’t want to go there because it will hurt if you confront the issue, you also are afraid of the outcome. I think if I had confronted it at the time I would have left him, no discussion, no questions, just gone.
Life went on, everything was been great. Relationship was good, we continued to be friends with the OW and her spouse (I still didn’t know for sure what happened and tried to bury it). I know OW had cheated on her first husband multiple times and had cheated on her current husband. The OW definitely has issues, I have caught her in a lot of lies, not sure she knows what the truth is. She and her H don’t get along well, always arguing, nagging, tells people he “won’t give me a divorce”. Silly – no one has to “give” someone a divorce, you go get one. She had an A with another of her H’s friends and was caught. I also found out she had come on to another friend and was caught “making out” with a married man at a party. I do believe she would leave her H if anyone else would have her.
A couple of years ago, for some reason, the OW started saying weird things to me about my H. I am pretty sure nothing was going on, not just because he swears it wasn’t, but there was no time or opportunity. I won’t go into details but OW was talking about what a good relationship they had as friends, try to make me feel insecure in my relationship, belittle me, make me doubt the marriage. Saying things you would never say to another woman about her husband.
It finally got to me and I confronted my H, DDay Dec 2012. He fessed up about what had happened 25 yrs ago. It was hard to take even though I kind of knew anyway. I emailed OW, told her I knew and not to contact either of us again. The OW kept breaking the no contact for a bit, at least 6 months, contacting both H and me. I caught her lying about it and when I let her know she was caught she went into a rage. H stopped answering his work phone for a while but she seems to have stopped now.
I went to counseling, it helped a bit. My H has done everything he can to make it work. He offered to attend MC but not sure that is necessary so we didn’t do it. He checks in often, I have access to his computer, phone, email, etc. Of course I know there are many ways to get around that – other email accounts, another cell phone, etc. If someone is going to cheat they will. Since DDay H has become more attentive, more romantic, our sex life is good (although ugly thoughts sometimes creep in), very thoughtful, and for the most part does not get upset when I lose it and get angry all over again (when does that stop??).
So – 25 years from the betrayal, almost 2 years out from DDay, and still trying to deal with the hurt.
I do still love him. I am not sure I will ever completely trust him again. I am not sure I will ever forgive him. One thing I know for sure is I will never forget, and I really wish I could do that.