Newest Member: Lilident

Just Found Out :
Tactical Primer

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Fighting2Survive ( Member #28410) posted at 11:17 PM on Saturday, March 10th, 2012

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5736585
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lordhasaplan? ( Member #30079) posted at 7:09 PM on Tuesday, March 20th, 2012

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5751807
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quedagh ( Member #24195) posted at 5:27 AM on Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

It may not define you but it sure as hell will affect how you think for the rest of your life.

posts: 1078   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2009   ·   location: Intermountain West
id 5754659
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Fighting2Survive ( Member #28410) posted at 8:27 PM on Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5763031
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Fighting2Survive ( Member #28410) posted at 3:33 AM on Saturday, March 31st, 2012

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5769751
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annb ( Member #22386) posted at 1:45 AM on Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012

bump

posts: 11257   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 5773168
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jo2love ( Member #31528) posted at 3:47 AM on Wednesday, April 4th, 2012

bump

posts: 51033   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2011
id 5775073
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bufffalo ( Member #21854) posted at 3:58 AM on Monday, April 9th, 2012

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5781893
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SuperDuperWonderboy ( Member #34716) posted at 7:05 PM on Tuesday, April 10th, 2012

bump

My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.

posts: 1356   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Everett
id 5784459
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annb ( Member #22386) posted at 3:16 PM on Wednesday, April 11th, 2012

bump

posts: 11257   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 5785815
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DixieDiamondfly ( Member #34830) posted at 5:01 AM on Thursday, April 12th, 2012

The worst thing you can do is to do nothing. Your wayward spouse will see this as passive approval of what they're doing and it will embolden them to continue their behaviour. Worst of all though... it is giving up your power to chose

Thank you for this information SerJR. It is really eye opening. I find myself in the place of feeling as though I'm doing nothing. I've told WS to do a few things and he has done them. I've asked a question here and there and he has answered. But, I almost feel as though I'm the one sweeping things under the rug. I think I've been in denial. Dday was Feb 8th. Confrontation day was Feb 24th. I have really taken time in the last couple of days to read posts on this forum and boy, have I learned a lot. I thought we were in Reconciliation mode, but now I don't think we're there yet.

There is an added dimension to this mess of ours...we are dealing with verbal and emotional abuse as well (which I also confronted him with on Confrontation day--he said he had no clue that he was doing it--he starts counseling for that a tomorrow)

Anyway, I know I have to make some serious moves to get this ball rolling. The fact is that I hate confrontation, and of course the abuse dynamic changes things a little bit. But it can't be swept under the rug! I just need some wisdom and guidance...and prayer. Any suggestions?

BS: Me, 56 yrs. young
XWS: Him, 60 yo
KIDS: 33 yo son, 31 yo son, 25 yo daughter...and three wonderful grandsons and a beautiful granddaughter.
Married 34 yrs.
D-Day #1: 2/8/12
D-Day #2: 7/16/2012
D-Day #3: 3/29/2015
Divorced!

posts: 182   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Gulf Coast
id 5787114
evil

Magda08 ( New Member #35211) posted at 3:00 AM on Friday, April 13th, 2012

bump

posts: 44   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: US
id 5788715
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Magda08 ( New Member #35211) posted at 11:54 PM on Friday, April 13th, 2012

bump

posts: 44   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: US
id 5790254
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lost2012 ( Member #35325) posted at 12:52 AM on Saturday, April 14th, 2012

thank you so much for this great advice. I have a question. My spouse when confronted by the affair immediately went to a lawyer and filed for a legal separation. Now he wants to set up date nights, sleep in the same bed, basically act as if nothing has happended, yet he has already taken our kids to look for townhouses for the bachelor pad he will live in. My question is what boundaries should I set, as I don't know if I can trust him and am afraid this is just to manipulate me. He wants me to see his lawyer. I know not to. he set up a first counseling apt for tomorrow even though I begged him to 1 month a go when I found out and before he filed.

Dday- March 1, 2012
M 17 years
EA? 4 years
2 boys ages 16 and 14
Divorced- 12/17/2012

posts: 144   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2012   ·   location: Illinois
id 5790325
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Fighting2Survive ( Member #28410) posted at 2:18 PM on Sunday, April 15th, 2012

bump

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5792074
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Magda08 ( New Member #35211) posted at 6:14 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2012

bump again for the newbies!

posts: 44   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: US
id 5793576
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AttemptStrength ( Member #27947) posted at 2:37 PM on Friday, April 20th, 2012

bump

BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.

posts: 1992   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2010   ·   location: Wisconsin
id 5800840
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annb ( Member #22386) posted at 3:22 PM on Wednesday, April 25th, 2012

bump

posts: 11257   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 5808043
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bufffalo ( Member #21854) posted at 1:30 PM on Friday, April 27th, 2012

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5811586
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ERNightNurse ( New Member #35337) posted at 1:39 PM on Friday, April 27th, 2012

Reconciliation:

Should the affair end and the wayward spouse return to the marriage, reconciliation will be a difficult road to travel. You will know that your spouse is committed when they:

- Take responsibility for their choices and actions (without blaming you).

- Recognise the pain you were made to suffer because of their choices and are remorseful and empathetic for you (not just feeling sorry for themselves).

- Set up plans to ensure that this doesn't happen again. This includes no contact with the affair partner or other potential partners and taking measures such as blocking them from phone/email access, constructing a No Contact Letter, commitment to finding another job if appropriate, and so forth.

- Are 100% honest and transparent and willing to answer any questions and provide any information to rebuild the trust. This includes giving you access to the tools of the affair such as emails, phone, etc in order to verify their compliance.

- Are actively trying to make amends to the marriage.

You will have both built up walls to protect yourselves. Those same walls will prevent you from connecting emotionally. They have to be taken down very carefully. Some tips for successful reconciliation include:

- Avoid spending too much time together to try and force recovery.

- Don’t just try to move forward and forget – this issue must be addressed although not the exclusion of everyday life.

- Avoid bringing up the affair repeatedly for anything not related to the affair, and do not belittle your spouse.

- Exhibit trust to the wayward partner only where trustworthiness has been shown. Continue to monitor the wayward partners activities to ensure the affair is over.

- Do spend more time together

doing things that you both enjoy.

- Do seek professional counseling.

- Do ensure that you try to meet their emotional needs and not engage in destructive behaviours or habits.

Wow, I wish I had read this first when I decided to try and R.

Me: BS 34
Him: WH 38
Together: 12 yrs
Married: 6 yrs
DD: 3/9/20012
R - or trying to anyway.
"Saying sorry doesn’t mean there isn’t guilt and forgiving doesn’t mean the pain is gone" - Still working on this one...

posts: 7   ·   registered: Apr. 14th, 2012   ·   location: Bay Area
id 5811601
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