going to add this here as well. For canuckian. (spelling?)
this is about Agreements. I'm just cutting and pasting from another post of mine but I think it will help you.
For those WS's who successfully R and are in a happy marriage, do you still have feelings of love for the AP? Not that you would act on them, but over time do those feelings get less or are they always at the front of your mind?
If my wife and I do R, I struggle with knowing that those thoughts are there. We have never had a relationship with anyone else until she had her A. It is a difficult pill to swallow.
Do I still have feelings of love for OP?
I can't respect him. I think he is a deeply wounded and sick person and I pity him. I MOURN for his wife and hope desperately she is okay, that his kids are okay...I hope he got help. Is that love? if so, then... that is the extent of it. I'd like to know they all are okay. That's more about hoping I did not totally destroy his W and kids than anything else. So that comes up now and again but other than that... nothing. If it comes up I pray for them.
I'll tell you something, I'm a Christian and I think that not all thoughts in our heads are ours. You know the little angel/demon on the shoulder in old cartoons? well, I believe that. I think we have external spiritual influences all the time. You don't have to agree with that and if you're not a Christian, you'll think I'm batso. But that is okay... laughing.
You can't dodge responsibility and say "the devil made me do it" I'm not saying that. But the thing is, when a thought is presented to your mind, you have the option of agreeing with it and continuing down the same thought-road or rejecting it and changing the channel. You're responsible for your choice in that... when you choose to keep thinking about a subject instead of rejecting it and switching channels, you're guilty. So you're not responsible for the reminder or the initial thought and shouldn't blame yourself or allow blame for something that occurs to you. It might not be just you. But if you respond to it with rejection, there is no fault at all. And you do have the power and the choice. Whether you agree with me or not about the spiritual side of it, I think that whole concept can be helpful. Don't make agreements.
ETA: When you stop making agreements... that little voice in you that says: yeah,
that is how it is.
and start making rejections:
no, I choose something else, in spite of my feelings, my feelings are not me.
then you'll start to see real change.
that whole idea about your feelings not being the real you, that is really important too. Because if you think your feelings are you, you're going to stay stuck.
Your feelings are just the voice of your heart.
they are not you.
They will shout whatever you feed them with your thoughts, and run those thoughts through the filter of your old wounds and then come out the other side with a voice. But the true you is your -will- Your choices. The part of you that chooses. You can deny your feelings and make choices regardless of what your feelings are screaming. And -that- is who you are. The true you. The part of you doing the choosing is the true you. I think even feelings are um. Played upon and may not be totally you. But whether you think that or not, you DO have the power to make choices. Think of your feelings as being handicapped. Schizophrenic. Sick. Twisted. whatever. You can't trust them again until you get some healing. That is why you do what you know is right whether you want to or not, the wanting to comes later... because you can't -want to- till you get some healing. Untwisted. But the feelings are not a true reflection of who you are. Don't believe the lie that they are or it will keep you stuck.
anyhow, that is how I see things, hope it helps.
[This message edited by Maia at 2:05 PM, April 9th (Thursday)]