SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On DD my childhood friend who lives abroad happened to message me and I ended up telling her what had happened. She knows my husband, was bridesmaid at our wedding, godmother to our children etc. anyway she sent a couple of messages of support then I heard nothing for 9 months until she asked how I was on my birthday and mentioned 'must he hard to forgive eh?'.

At Christmas she messaged to say she was getting married and asked me to be there. I then received the invite through the post saying only I was invited not my husband.

I politely declined the invite and when she questioned this I explained I couldn't afford to just take myself abroad and would feel socially awkward at a wedding on my own. She then replied 'yeah I thought you might but if (my husband) comes I'd have to say something seeing as what happened lol'.

I'm gutted. She has every right to invite who she wants to her wedding but to know she will basically never accept my husband or my decision to reconcile really stings. And to put lol at the end of the message rubs salt in the wounds. I swear she thinks infidelity is catching as her relationship is far from perfect (she has confided in me he going on all night drinking binges and they haven't been intimate in over a year).

I have no idea how to reply to this. Has anyone else lost friends due to their decision to reconcile?

It is sad but just from what you say, it might be better if you didn't attend a ceremony that is going to tie her to a man that goes

on all night drinking binges and they haven't been intimate in over a year.

She does sound like she is in denial about her own relationship.

Don’t worry. You can go to her next wedding. Lol. Seriously, what a non-propitious start. No sex for a year? Drunken binging? Not many people can stay married to someone who has already partnered with the bottle. She undoubtedly has redeeming value or you wouldn’t have remained friends for so long, but her judgmental attitude crosses into comedy. Read "To a Louse, On Seeing One on a Lady’s Bonnet at Church", by Scotland’s national treasure, Robert Burns. It contains the famous conclusion about the wish to see ourselves as others do.

Evio, that sounds very similar to what I am experiencing (turned to SI for advice, too).

It doesn’t feel fair that, on top of all the other losses, one also has to deal with losing friendships. I just do not want to feel forced to choose between my WH and my friends. Sadly, there aren’t many people who can sit with ambivalence and contradictions ("I disapprove of my WH's choices, yet I stay"). Even those who genuinely try to rebuild their relationship with him are sometimes struggling.

I read your friend’s attempt at humor as a sign of insecurity. I feel that many people use this kind of behavior to cover up the discomfort of a topic that hits too close to home ("if it can happen to her, maybe it could happen to me too").

It is unfortunate and very sad. And yet another consequence of your WS’s actions. You feeling hurt is 100% normal and expected, and why we judge caution on who you share with (but on DDAY you certainly tell whoever you need to in that moment of extreme trauma!).

Maybe your friendship will just change. She doesn’t have to reconcile with your WS. Maybe she is so angry for you and it will take a long time for her to believe that he really changed. Or maybe she has issues like others have noted.

Try thinking how you would have reacted if she was cheated on — how you would react now and how you might’ve reacted BEFORE going through infidelity. I know my empathy and understanding have changed a ton. And I don’t like to spend time with cheaters that have not "done the work over a long period" and have so so so much more empathy for the BS whether they R, D, or stay in limbo.

I hope that over time you get your friend back, but if not, it’s just one more casualty. Infidelity really sucks.

While advice is always welcome from any corner of my world — those who don’t ultimately respect or support my choices, never really had my back.

Now, if it is was someone I still care about, I would give them a shot at understanding me or my choice better. I would clarify with the person and appreciate the concern about the choice to stay, but ask them to ditch the judgment. If they can’t, then up to you as to what is next with that friendship.

Everyone in my circle knows my wife is a part of the deal, where I go, she goes.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:16 PM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

Thanks everyone. I don't feel I would get very far discussing it with her as I don't think she is genuinely interested in my healing and I think it's more a case of not wanting my husband there as he reminds her it could happen to her. I guess this is what people experience with illness and loss as well...people think by turning the other way and ignoring some of the awful things that happen in life, they will somehow be protected.

I guess it's just a shame that I have been made to feel ashamed and embarrassed and like I'm condoning my husband's behaviour when I'm not condoning it, I'm just offering him a grace and compassion to fix things for me, him and our children and I don't feel I should be shamed for that.

No, of course you shouldn't be! She just doesn't know how she could stare at the reality that vows can be broken, especially considering what she is getting set to step into, herself! It's just her telling herself little fictions. Are you considering going at all?

No I'm not going to go Super.

I told her what happened as a friend but the thought of turning up to her wedding without my husband and knowing she's probably told all her family and our old school friends is too much.

Tbh I would find any wedding hard right now but definitely one where I was all alone.