SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So sadly, I am now authorized to post in this sub-forum. Definitely not something I had been hoping for the last 4 years and 3 months. Last Friday she got mad at me and isolated herself from me until Sunday morning. I approached her and asked her what she was mad about. She said "you're never going to be happy" I told her that I will from time to time trigger and have ruminating feelings that make me sad. Most likely this will happen for years but to a lesser degree as time passes. I told her that my biggest hang up recently has been her not wanting to do any work. Her response to that was "There is nothing I can ever do that will make you happy". I guess that was her cop out to excuse herself from doing the work. I know she has coping issues, and I guess I always suspected that she'd end the relationship before she'd put any effort into the work. Guess I was right. I can't remain married to someone who gets mad at me and ghosts me every time I get a little sad about her choices and the damage they caused. I was hoping to agree to asset spits to file for a dissolution, but I have a feeling I'm going to have to file for divorce tomorrow to force her hand. Hopefully, when she gets an attorney, and both of ours meet, she'll find out that I'm willing to give her WAY more than half to settle with a dissolution to end this relationship as quickly as possible. But since she is emotionally immature, I'd imagine the 10 year old will come out in her and she'll make it messy. Fingers crossed my friends.

Sorry it’s come to this.

Maybe go listen to Easy by the Commodores. Might be a good match to what your mood from what you’ve described here.

Divorce can be like fleeing a burning house and being forced to leave your prized possessions behind to be consumed. But things can be replaced, and you get to keep your life. Eyes on the prize.

And keep what is yours fairly. Don’t cut your future short. Make sure you have a good lawyer who make sure you are well represented.

Best of luck.

(Oh, and keep up the self-care. The roller coaster may be slowing down, but there may be some bumps ahead.)

Agree with Bearly Breathing. Find a great lawyer who will help you make smart choices.

I just finalized my divorce, and while the legal bills added up, it was worth it to have terrific advice and someone who was helping me keep my end goal in mind and achieve it.

Depending on what state you are in, you may not have to give up way more than half in order to move quickly.

And you can help the process get going by starting to summarize all of your income, accounts, assets, debts, etc. Anything you can prove you brought into the marriage (like a retirement account you might have started before you married). If you don't have minor children, then divorce is basically a financial negotiation, and the more on top of your financial information you are, the stronger you'll feel in that process.

Good luck!

"There is nothing I can ever do that will make you happy". I guess that was her cop out to excuse herself from doing the work.

You nailed it exactly.

Without remorse and the ability to try to make amends, you may never be able to heal from infidelity. You can accept it. You can try to heal on your own as best you can.

But if the cheater has a negative attitude about your triggers and lack of empathy, you will never be able to heal yourself from the affair.

It’s very easy to point the finger and blame everyone else. This way the cheater doesn’t have to accept any responsibility for your feelings.

Well, had our first discussion of what she’d like in the split.
1. She wants me to cash in my Roth IRA and buy her a house with no mortgage.
2. We then split all assets 50/50
3. I pay her some alimony (she makes $50/hr as an RN but only works part time. Doesn’t want to work full time)
I’m guessing no bueno on a dissolution settlement

If she’s capable of working full time, that is what counts. What she wants doesn’t mean 💩. It’s her earning potential that counts when courts get involved.

And you are saying she wants a paid off house and only after that you split assets 50/50? For fuck’s sake. Don’t sell yourself out.

This is why the law has some guidelines in place. She doesn’t get what she wants. She gets what the law says she can have. And nothing more.
Please consult with a good lawyer or maybe three and find one that will fight for you to get everything you deserve. She’s capable of working full-time- she can work full-time. She obviously has the skills.
Do not sell yourself and your future self out here. I’m not saying to be difficult. I’m saying just let the lawyers handle it and make sure your lawyer is going to fight for what’s fair for you.

I got a pretty good attorney and I’m planning to keep personal feelings out of it. It’s a business transaction, nothing more, nothing less. I’ll do my best to keep emotions out of it. I thank my lucky stars that I’ve had a year and a half of IC, this has helped to keep me grounded.

Her idea of 50-50 is hilarious.

If you buy her a house you will incur a huge tax penalty for cashing in the IRA. So that amount has to come off the top to give you the net IRA value.

Then she is getting an asset of X value + 50% of assets.

That adds up to more than 50% for her and less than 50% for you.

At $50 per hour for a 40 hour work week she could earn $100k+. She could then afford to buy her own house.

Some people SMH 🤦‍♀️

The1stWife, I get your response, but you have to remember, I’m dealing with an emotionally immature 10 year old who has entitlement issues. And I guess I’ve never mentioned, she used to actively sell products by Mela***** (don’t know that I’m allowed to really give the name of the company) long time company that sells natural cleaning products, vitamins, health and beauty products, you get it) and when she was actively growing her business she was bringing in close to $2000 month in income. She quit actively selling because she got frustrated that it was taking more work to continue to grow her business (he tapped the close, easy market segment). She also has written 2 books. Thrillers, first one self published and sold on Amazon, second book picked up by a publishing company. Thing is, she expects the publisher to do all the work to sell the book when she actually has to actively market the book and herself. She doesn’t want to because it’s not as fun and is harder work. Are you seeing a trend, she doesn’t want to do the work to truly succeed in whatever she starts. Same goes for our marriage. Wants it to be easy and I do the hard work, she reaps the benefits of my work.

I am sorry for you in having to endure a life with an entitled adult with the maturity of a child.

FWIW my H thought he could still control everything after dday2.

No one expects D will be easy. And no one is suggesting you play hardball and make it difficult intentionally.

But (isn’t there always a but)……..

You don’t have to give in to her. She doesn’t get to control you any longer.

If she acts like a child then you treat her like a child.

While it may be a nightmare to do, if she starts being abusive and ignoring you, then you do the same. You ignore her. You go about your life and get an attorney and get divorced and move on.

The one thing I learned from my H’s last affair is that I teach people how to treat me. It is in MY control if he (or anyone) knowingly takes advantage of me.

The day you tell your wife you are divorcing - the game changes. It’s no longer a marriage. It’s an exit. And your goal is to exit quickly and fairly.

I told my H my thoughts on the D. We were not moving from our house until last kid was out of school. And he was paying for it. Custody was 50-50 and he needed to be nearby so kids could freely go back and forth. Assets split evenly and we would work out child support.

He was smart enough to agree. In 3 weeks I was setting up an appointment w/ mediator and lawyers.

If he didn’t agree to it, he could have met with his attorney and battled it out. But my goal was fair and best interest of kids. And he saw he no longer had control of me or was included in any decisions going forward from dday2.

IMO you heard her demands. They are unreasonable and ridiculous. You no longer discuss, you now get an attorney and stop enabling her selfish behavior and sense of entitlement. Her "reward" for lack of caring, commitment to healing and compassion is a divorce.

A fair and equitable divorce. The rest is no longer your problem. She is stripped of all say, input, and control over you and your life together.

Time to start laying the groundwork for your future.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:16 PM, Friday, July 4th]