SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm wondering if anyone can help get to the bottom of exactly when is an affair considered to "begin" and "end"?

Does it begin when WH begins to fixate and plan ways to be around another woman? Does it begin when he begins lieing?

Does it end when he is no longer grieving his ap and he can stop being mad at you for his having to end it? I don't feel an affair is considered "ended" if WH is sulking in deep depression over his AP not having called him back.

Edit: WS had series of LT PA that ended 2010. He is currently invested in his IC and our MC, and just now beginning to realize the depth of devastation he has caused over our entire 37 yrs married.

He struggles with the realization that he minimized the length of these affairs. He believed they were 2-3 months, and my information shows more like 12 to 18 months.

If I could get the general consensus on the actual moment affairs begin and end, it would be helpful in creating a timeline we both can recognize as more accurate.

We are going to give it a shot at reconciling. I agreed to take it a few months at a time and only if he is fully invested with me. So far he is.

[This message edited by 12many24give at 2:39 PM, Sunday, March 9th]

I’m so sorry you are facing THIS horrific - as if the actual affair isn’t bad enough.

I was in your shoes and I watched my H do exactly what your H is doing.

Unfortunately my H chose to start the affair for a second time after it being "over" for about a month. He had this "I deserve to be happy" mentality and literally became a selfish jerk who was planning to D me to be with the OW (other woman).

Since you don’t know where the marriage will end up, I suggest you start to financially protect yourself. Get copies of all financial documents - tax returns, bank statements, retirement accounts etc.

Also read up on the 180. Stop being his wife until he really truly commits to the marriage. You may think this is being mean but it is actually designed to shield yourself from being subjected to his continued cheating — even if not physical, in his mind the OW is "first" right now.

Let him wallow in his shame and unhappiness. Do not support him. Honestly he’s lucky he has a place to call home right now. If I had to do it again I would have kicked my H to the curb during his "missing the OW" phase.

Get yourself some professional advice as well. It will help you navigate this situation and provide some support for YOU.

Please keep posting here. You will get great advice.

From experience I would suggest that you do nothing about your marriage right now. Your cheating H is not interested and it will be a waste of time. I would also suggest that you have a firm deadline w/ the eye towards how long you will allow this behavior from your H to continue.

You do not have to accept this from him. You can (and should) decide what is best for you. When I found out my H had restarted the affair, I was forced to pull the plug on the marriage and plan to D him.

That was his wake up call. And while we are happily reconciled, he’s now afraid I will D him!

There is a book your H should read - How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. If he refuses to read it, there is an indication that he’s not all in on the marriage. Many cheaters refuse to read it - and to me it’s a clear sign of where they are and what their priority is. To me it’s a red flag 🚩 🚩🚩 unless they are doing other things to make amends.

Learn the difference between remorse and regret. Regret is they are sorry they were caught cheating but don’t regret it. Remorse is they are sorry cheater feels bad for cheating and is willing to do anything to fix it.

The1stwife, I apologize for not clarifying. But, I DO love your spot on, straight up posts!!

WH and I are in process of preparing for therapeutic FD. In this preparation,we disagree on what constitutes the actual "beginning" of an affair, and the actual TRUE ending.

He feels it begins the first time they "plan" and do something (even meet for coffee). I feel it begins the moment he "feels and thinks" that she is someone HE will making a move on.

I feel it ends when he is DONE grieving his AP and comes BACK into the marriage fully present. If AP is still on his mind, then there is no way WH is HERE with me. HE feels an affair ends when they last spoke.

I seek clarification of what constitutes a true beginning and end date?

I think infidelity begins when a boundary is crossed — as in one person shows interest in another and the spouse doesn’t protect the marriage. The moment someone encourages improper attention and validation is the start of it to me.

My wife’s A was a with coworker/neighbor/family friend. We watched each other’s kids, had meals together, etc.

One day AP showed up in her office and told her he really, really liked her and it’s never happened to him before (to like someone other than his wife, which was also a lie, he was a serial cheater). Instead of telling him to back off, she said nothing. That’s the start of the so called slippery slope. It took six more months to go from EA to PA.

The PA lasted four years, and then AP dumped my wife in a very harsh manner, to make it clear he was done using her.

Then, my wife couldn’t believe it was all fake, that he had no feelings for her, so she continued to reach out to him for two more years. I call that an EA as well.

The A ended when after those two years, AP showed back up to restart. It was because we had moved away and he could control the timing of any ‘new’ A from a distance.

For some reason, his reasons to suddenly "like" her again sounded false to my wife.

It was the first time she told him, "no" over those six plus years.

He called again three weeks later and she told him not to call again.

For me, that was the end of it. My wife initially only counted the 4-years of PA, but it was closer to 7-years to me.

Most cheaters have the mindset that no sex = no affair. In a cheater’s mind an affair starts with some type of physical interaction. They usually feel that "an EA" is just being friends and won’t recognize it as actual cheating.

Betrayed spouses view it very differently.

Cheating starts the second the interactions are kept a secret. If that’s from day 1, then that is the start of an affair. By interactions I mean talking or meeting for coffee or whatever other reason there is an interaction. A flirty text message is cheating IMO.

To answer your question I think the A start and end dates have this kind of grey area, depending on what you personally define as "cheating." Some might consider flirting, having in person or texting inappropriate conversations, porn, etc. cheating, while others don’t. Some people might consider cheating is only physical and not emotional. The end date would be the day that your spouse officially ends the A and goes no contact. If you feel that your WH was "sulking" in the aftermath of his A … it’s because he was in the Affair Fog (I can see why would consider this as him still being invested in the A).

I know personally that having been brought into the hell of infidelity it has changed my views on what I consider cheating. Prior, I used to consider cheating to be a strictly physical - I didn’t even really know that there was such a thing as emotional cheating (some would argue that an EA is worse than a PA).

Either way, the lines get blurry when one spouse shows interest elsewhere or doesn’t turn down advances. It eventually (whether planned or not) gets to a point of no return and cheating, at least in some form, is inevitable.