My husband of 9 years (at the time - June 2022) cheated on me with his coworker and left me and our 2 young daughters who were 3 and 8 years old. It’s been 2 1/2 years since then. It was a traumatic experience. I’m hurt and appalled at the capability of the person I trusted with my life. I was in a state of shock and denial for the first year. I pathetically begged for him to stop what he was doing and to come back to us, but he said he was unsure of what he wanted and wasn’t able to make a decision. After a year of his uncertainty, I decided I was done waiting around and filed for child support and temporary spousal to be able to leave. So much happened in that first year. He cleared out our joint account since I stopped working a few months prior to him leaving and it was just his income being direct deposited into our account. He told me I would have to ask him for what I needed and he’d see if he could "swing" it. He left me with no car. We also rented and he stopped paying the rent which then put me in panic mode. I notified the landlords right away of what was going on. Thankfully they were understanding, but rightfully wanted their money. It was the push that led me to file for child and temporary spousal support to have control over some of the money to pay the bills. I wound up having to move from our rental home since my support didn’t cover the rental expense. It was a nightmare. And it was all my nightmare to "figure out". Thank God I had my pension that I cashed out. It wasn’t much, but it allowed me to get myself a used car and pay the remainder of the rent and come up with a security deposit on a place that cost less money a month. I’m now living in a one bedroom with my daughters in a place of squaller because it’s all I can afford.
I just started working again now that our youngest daughter is 5 and school aged so I’m saving the money I’m making for the actual divorce portion (that’s right, we’re STILL married legally). He never divorced me, just left out and went on to be with other people. I will need a lawyer to determine the alimony portion that will be permanent, among other things like a parenting agreement, where I’m able to relocate once I get better on my feet, etc. I can already foresee him making it hard for me to move back to the city where we were living when he left us (he already told our 10 year old that’s not happening when she told him we’ll be moving back "home" in a couple years) since he decided to shack up with his girlfriend 2 hours away, so he will fight for me to have to live closer to him if I ever do move.
I’m not sure when his relationship ended with the coworker I caught him having the affair with (she’s never been around my kids) but last month he informed me that he will be moving in with his new girlfriend which is the other female coworker on his team. I used to always see pictures of him sandwiched between the two at company dinners and events. They all know about me. They know who his wife and kids are. Again, didn’t think my husband was capable of not just screwing with one coworker, but now the other one. He would always call them his "work family" and tell me all things about his workday. I even felt like I worked there because of how invested he was in his job and how much he talked about it when he came home. The whole thing is just so bizarre and perplexing to me. When my girls told me the name of the woman they were with one weekend he had them, my head spun. That was how I found out. I asked him about it and he ignored me, but kept bringing her around our girls each time he had them. I asked again, I’d get ignored again. I eventually went outside one evening he was dropping our daughters off and said, she’s okay with the fact that you were with the other one and that you’re STILL married to me and never divorced me? He said no, she’s not happy about me still being married to you, but I’ll start working on it now. I still feel a sense of devastation, but disgust at the same time and STILL. He has already moved in with the coworker (she’s 8 years younger than him, but has her own home) and my daughters are already staying at her house. My daughters like going there because they get their own room, not a shared room with Mommy. "It’s big and nice and there’s room to run around and play." I know it’s completely out of my control and something I have to just deal with. Makes me sick to my stomach, but nothing I can do about it.
So all this to say - how do I completely shift my emotions to feel happy for my soon to be ex husband and his girlfriend? How do I just truly feel joy for them and wish them the best so when my girls come home each weekend and tell me about all the things they do as a "family" - outings, game nights, they make pasta together, even all go grocery shopping together, I can just feel happy that despite my husband walking away from me and our girls, he’s at least happy now in his new relationship..and from what my daughters say, they’re enjoying it all too?
Just to say, currently as of today after all that’s been done, he doesn’t even see my face anymore. After all that’s transpired, I completely cut any contact with him. He tried in the beginning to make small talk with me or make a joke like all was normal and cool, but when he saw that I had a stone face reaction to him, he backed down. I kiss my girls goodbye right before they walk out the door and there’s really no need at all to talk about anything since they go with him every other weekend. He takes them at the same time/drops them off around same time so text messages are just basically - "I’m on my way to get them" or "I’m on my way to drop them off" and I’ll either give a "👍🏼" in response or nothing at all. Our daughter had a minor surgery a couple months ago. We were both in the same waiting room for her, but didn’t say a word, just remained silent - he sat across the room with his eyes closed like he was taking a nap, maybe he was, who knows. I was secretly dying inside wondering still how this is my reality. I thought my husband would have atleast asked me once during these past 2 years how I’m doing or WE’RE doing. How we’re adjusting or if we need anything. It’s clear when he picks the kids up I now live in the slums with our girls, but nope - nothing. To his credit, he did tell me a handful of times over text message that he was "sorry for this all." Guess maybe that counts for something.
[This message edited by Survivingnotliving at 2:33 AM, Friday, February 21st]
