SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After a year of doing the pick me dance with my husband, and two false reconciliations that was not him trying at all & just running back to affair partner I have finally dropped the rope. He ghosted me after leaving again at the end of November and I finally am waving the white flag of defeat. He has tried to call me twice since he left (middle of night so I was asleep) and texted me once asking if I was home but when I responded he read the text & never responded to me again. I love my husband but the last year has been all about me trying to help him in his dysfunctions & addictions that the AP supports. I am ready to heal & start working on me. I am not ready to divorce, but with no contact I am becoming more & more accepting each day. My husband does not want me. He does not want our old life of 27 years. He doesn't want safety and stability. He wants the drama, he wants the alcohol, he wants the drugs. This isn't just an affair. This is addiction, this is trauma from his past rearing his head & I have no control over anything but me. I thought all these issues & problems were far in the past but somehow they have resurfaced after years of being dormant. Still.... at night when I am still crying myself to sleep I look for hope. Maybe after I heal more I will have different thoughts but I was wondering is there anyone here who's husband chose the affair partner after affair was revealed & later regretted and reconciliation did happen.

[This message edited by Devastated2024 at 8:10 AM, Thursday, January 23rd]

I think once you get far enough out and start some healing, the fantasy of rekindling things with him will pretty quickly disappear. I told my wife on the day I decided to divorce her that I could reconsider after some healing, contingent that she really worked on changing herself. Almost a yr out from divorce - I find the thought of that utterly repulsive. once the shock and fear subsides the reality of their toxicity is realized with full force. Once the attachment is broken - the love and respect for the unfaithful spouse follow pretty damn quick. One 2nd chance is enough IMO.

Yes, I've heard of it happening. Typically, the WS was either dumped by their AP (so they ran back to their BS, good ol' Plan B), or, after consulting with a lawyer, they learned how much they stood to lose financially in the divorce and decided that they feel worse about parting with their money and assets than they do about losing the great love of their life (the AP).

In your specific case, however, I'm pretty confident your husband will eventually try to come back because he needs the safety and stability that you provide him. His current lifestyle with the OW-- while fun and exciting at the moment-- is not sustainable long-term. After every high, there's a crash. Their relationship will burn out and the floor will collapse from underneath him... and when that day comes, he's going to run to the one person who has always been there to catch him: you.

The questions you need to ask yourself are the following:

-Do you really want someone who only sees you as a safety net?

-You've spent almost 3 decades trying to single-handedly keep this other person and your marriage afloat; is this what you want for the rest of your life?

-How credence can you give to any promises he will make when he's likely broken millions over the course of your relationship?

As for practical advice:

-Instead of thinking about him leaving as a loss, try to think of it as an unburdening. Your emotional, psychological, and even physical energies that were wasted on him can now be used for yourself.

-Go see a lawyer and start the divorce process. Your husband is engaging in reckless financial and criminal activities; there's simply too much risk involved in remaining legally bound to him. For example, he could ruin your credit and drain your accounts. People he owes money to or screwed over in some other way might come after you. You could lose your home or any assets you have to lawsuits or civil forfeiture. The faint glimmer of hope for reconciliation is not worth gambling away your ability to create a new and better future for yourself.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:31 PM, Thursday, January 23rd]

I read somewhere that the statistics of the WS staying with the AP longer term are less than 3%. Once daylight shines on the A and real life sets in, it loses a lot of appeal.

That being said, is this person good for you? That's a LONG time to be plan B. I know you love him. It does seem rather one sided in effort. I'm grateful for how things worked out for me and FWH, but I was willing to let him go on DDay. Honestly, I told him that I loved him enough that if AP was where he felt he should be, I'd step aside (not without a post nuptial in place first). Honestly, I wanted him to be happy. I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. If he hadn't turned into the poster child for A recovery, I wouldn't have looked back.

Take care of you. 180 the crap out of this. Focus on just you.

Thank you both for responding.

BluerThanBlue

I went into some sort of weird auto-pilot when I found out a year ago.

I immediately drained our bank accounts. Pulled our credit reports to see what we owed on everything. Paid off all joint debt with the money I took from banks accounts and kept a paper trail to show what I did with the money.

Removed myself from all Credit cards in his name while getting legal counsel on my cutability on his CC debt without my name on them.

I opened up a Lifelock account where no one can try & get a loan or open an account or CC under my social without me being notified.

We do not own a house so nothing to lose there. Car paid off & in my name not his but I would hand it over no issue.

Got all paper records of his 401K and our stock.

So on a financial level we are completely separate now. No assets & no debt. We both have our own checking accounts now as well.

I don't know what inside of me decided to do that so swiftly while I was pretty much bedridden & couldn't eat for 3 months but that is what I did do with my energy.

The other stuff you stated... lots to think on that I am not ready to answer yet as I need to get healthy. As someone who is now getting help for codependency being other people's safety net brought me joy. I wanted them to know I was their safe place.

And unfortunately this comment "How credence can you give to any promises he will make when he's likely broken millions over the course of your relationship?"

My husband never made a promise he broke. He was the most honest person I ever knew even when it made him look bad or painted him in a bad light. If I asked him to promise me something he either promised & kept it or said "I am sorry I want to but I can't promise that right now."

And Ladybugmaam I was not trying to ignore you. Your sweet response came in while I was responding.

Right now my husband is not healthy for me. He isn't healthy for himself. I guess as I slowly let go after holding on so tightly though it's nice to know there could still be a chance now that I am letting go.

The more I let go and the more I work on healing the less I feel towards him. I am grateful for that for my own emotionally & mental health but I guess it hurts to at the same time.

I am just now getting into acceptance & looking forward, but it is VERY recent.

It sounds like you already know what you need to do, you're just in mourning that you have to do it. Big hugs to you. I'm sorry.

BluerThanBlue is likely right that he'll seem to have a change of heart when his addiction either stops getting fed or gets out of control, or as a means to manipulate you. You cannot trust anything that an active addict says. Keep that in mind. I think you'd do well to expect that and have a plan in place so that your emotions won't override your common sense. I wholeheartedly second Blue's advice to proceed with D to protect your assets. Even if he comes crawling back and wanting your help. You can D and help at the same time, if that's what you want to do.

ETA: Brava! for what you've done already.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 5:37 PM, Thursday, January 23rd]

Devastated2024

First and foremost, congratulations on getting your financial ducks in a row and for all the work you've done on yourself thus far. You seem like a very strong and resourceful person; you will have a better and brighter future without him if you're willing to give yourself that opportunity.

Second, did your wedding vows allow for cheating and abandonment? Did he get your permission to have affairs and be an alcoholic/drug addict? During your previous false Rs, did he inform you in advance that your attempts were in vain? If the answer to any of those questions is no, then you can't say that he's never lied or broken promises to you. In fact, I think that what you interpret as "honesty" is actually him just being very confident that you will never leave him.

To be clear, I'm not knocking on you; I'm knocking on him for taking advantage of your boundless compassion and unconditional love, which you deserve for yourself.

BluerThanBlue I do not think you are knocking me I just don't want to misrepresent a situation based on my hurt & pain.

For me I cannot erase 27 good years because of a year and half of horrid years.

And when I said "I thought all these issues & problems were far in the past but somehow they have resurfaced after years of being dormant" I was not talking about affairs & addictions. I was talking about the trauma from his past. Things I thought he had grieved & healed from I realize now he didn't. He just pushed them down & now he is self-medicating. And the only reason I say that is because he started grieving & talking about these things, tried counseling, tried meds for depression (didn't give them long enough to work) for 6 months before he turned to the drinking, then met the AP in a bar, and then I only found out about the drug use from correspondence I read between him & the AP. It is like he is a completely different man from his core beliefs & values he used to hold.

I truly am trying to be honest about where I am at.. who he was and who he is now while being fair & speak truth. One thing my BF of 20 years said to me after I hit the 1 year mark was "Yes this is not who your DH used to be but you have to accept this is who he is NOW & you have no guarantees he will do what he needs to do to heal and go back to who he was."

So that is where I am at.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to speak to me. Even though it has already been a year I am only now in the headspace to think what life would look like without him. I hope my state of mind & me trying to come to terms does not frustrate those who have already been through this.

[This message edited by Devastated2024 at 9:32 AM, Friday, January 24th]

Thank you for the clarification. I thought that he had been an addict/alcoholic/cheater throughout (or at least many years of) your relationship. The fact this has been going on for only a year and half changes my perspective on your situation somewhat, so here's my new advice:

-Give yourself a deadline for how long you're willing to wait before you file for divorce (3 months, 6 months, a year, whatever seems reasonable to you). Maybe before the deadline hits, you'll decide you're ready to file. Or maybe you'll decide that you need more time. Either way, you're giving yourself a light at the end of tunnel (rather than waiting for him) and you're not giving him an ultimatum that you would be afraid to go back on without losing credibility.

-During this time you're in your holding patter, do not initiate contact with him. If he contacts you with something vague like "Are you home?" leave him on read. If he has something urgent or important to say, he will contact you again, at which point you can decide whether you feel like engaging with him or not.

To be clear, this isn't a "playing hard-to-get" manipulation tactic to entice him to pursue you; it's to protect yourself from going through an emotional rollercoaster every time he pops his head up and then disappears into the ether. He also needs to learn that he can't expect to have you at his beck and call.

-If you get that call that you're hoping for in which your WH says "I fucked up and wanna come home," do not accept him back unconditionally, no matter how dire his circumstances or how desperate and remorseful he seems to be. He is not a safe partner. He would have a lot to work to do over an extended period of time before you could even consider reconciling with him. As your best friend so aptly put it, you have to see him as he is now; not who he was or what you hope he could be.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:20 PM, Friday, January 24th]

Is there a chance he might stay with his AP for awhile and then return to you?

Let’s hope not.

Be careful what you wish for. Maybe he'll come back after or ready to change from cheater to good partner. It's probably more likely, though, that he'll come back because he won't take responsibility for himself.

Thank you again for your thoughts BluerThanBlue. I def did not want to give the wrong impression.

I think last year I was still trying to grasp WTH was happening to the man I have known for almost 30 years.

It is just now that I think I am getting to the point where I can say:

1. This was my husband. I loved him, he loved me. He was a good man.

2. This man now is not my husband. The man the AP is getting is someone I don't know nor would I even look at or think about dating if I was in the dating world. Two different men, same body... but #2 is who he is now & I have to come to acceptance no matter how much it hurts for me, and for him.

I truly love him & my heart is not just breaking because of what he has done to me but what he is doing to himeself, his reputation, his finances. Everything I have watched him have pride in & take care of he has just thrown away.

But after a year I can say:
1. I didn't cause this.
2. I cannot fix this.
3. The affair partner has not won my husband, she has won a broken man.

AS I let go & walk toward my next chapter though... as pathetic as it sounds you just wish that you will be missed. And I know that is pathetic based off where he is now.

There are a number of posts in different sections here about cheaters who chose the AP and then later decided they wanted to R.

Most of those marriages ended in D and the only reason the cheater "reconnected" with their former spouse was because their life turned out pretty bad.

A string of BFs and no longer with the original AP.

Most likely the cheating spouse attempts to R with the XH or XW is due to money. Not love. Not filled with remorse.

How sad they that cheaters just think they can "pop back into their former life" without recognizing or understand the damage they caused.