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Divorce/Separation :
Reconciled before learning about affair children, what now?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Throwaway58351799 (original poster new member #84141) posted at 4:52 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2023

Hi all. First, my apologies for not using many abbreviations, I'm new here and still learning the lingo. It took me a while just to get up the nerve to post at all. I'm looking for guidance, opinions, advice...hopefully some perspectives from others who may have been in similar situations (which are likely few and far between). This whole situation has been a huge nightmare and I struggle to stay positive. I can easily write ten pages worth of story but I'll do my best to keep it as brief as I can. I'll start with a TLDR version of events and then give more detail below.

TL;DR:
I moved my family to a new state, my wife had an affair, we reconciled, we later had twins, I tested the twins and they aren't mine, I filed for divorce but am still struggling with what to do.

Supporting details: I (40M) have been with my wife (33F) for 12 years; 5 years dating and then 7 years married. We currently have four kids: 14F from my wife's previous relationship (father is not involved and never has been, occasionally pays CS), 6F, and the twins who are ~4 months, M&F. Our relationship has always been a little rocky. I am the primary income-earner for the family making a comfortable salary. My wife is partly disabled and has occasionally held part-time home-sales jobs but is mainly a stay-at-home mom. We live in an expensive house that we can barely afford, along with my wife's elderly grandmother (the house was a compromise on my part which was supposed to help ensure my wife's happiness after the move). We broke up a few times before getting married, and I have long been concerned about her emotional reactions and her inability to contain her anger in front of the children.

Slightly longer summary with a bit more detail:
The situation started when I got a new job and a few months later moved my family to a neighboring state to be closer to work (after many discussions and with what I thought was acceptance from my wife). My wife took it poorly and her behavior got very erratic. Many months later I was notified by a guy who saw me with her that he was her AP of over 8 months. I floundered for a while in a pit of self-despair, consulted divorce attorneys, then confronted my wife (on advice from lawyers to avoid the nastiness and financial burden of divorce). She admitted the affair and blamed her behavior on my (supposedly) forcing her to move and ruining her happiness.
We somehow reconciled after some intense fighting and crazy behavior on her part (screaming in front of the kids, hiding my laptop, stealing my phone, attempting to leave with the kids). I think the reconciliation may in part have been due to weakness from me just not wanting to break up the family or deal with what she might do if I went through with it. Anyway, my wife re-dedicated herself to the family and made noticeable behavioral improvements. A few months later we discovered she was pregnant with twins. Conception timing was borderline but my wife was very confident that they were mine based on when she said she cut things off with her AP.
As the babies grew, I became convinced they didn't look like me (more specifically that the boy strongly resembled the AP). I expressed my concerns with her many times about parentage and how I didn't know if I could handle the situation if the children were not mine, but she asked me to stop bringing it up because it made her depressed. Eventually I DNA tested the twins at two separate companies and unfortunately confirmed my fears - zero percent chance of parentage for either of them.
I consulted lawyers once again and I then told my wife about the results and that I was considering divorce (again). She was of course upset but didn't know what to do. I continued to bring it up often but didn't make much progress with discussions. I ended up filing for divorce on my own with contested paternity. Maybe this was wrong? I don't know. I notified my wife who acted surprised, hurt, and then very angry. I asked her to agree and sign acknowledgement, however she refused and insisted we stay together because we had already reconciled -- in her eyes I had already forgiven her for the affair and she didn't understand why we should divorce. After some additional incredible displays of anger (and what I would say is inappropriate behavior), she then doubled-down on efforts to act like the perfect wife and asked me to rescind the filing. I haven't done so yet.

My wife has indicated that she has no plans to inform her AP of the children, that he'd be an awful father, and that she doesn't ever want him in their lives. She claims that she has been devastated since finding out the babies weren't mine and doesn't know how she could take care of them or love them without me to support her. I'm worried about how she would treat the babies if I leave given that she's admitted that she blames them for potentially ruining her family. In her anger, she has told the babies that she hates them and routinely yells and swears in front of them (though not always at them). Most of the time she takes good care of them, but those other moments worry me. Naturally having two babies to care for at once is a lot of work, can be frustrating, and creates a lot of stress and sleepless nights, but if anyone should hate them I thought it should be me and not her; it's worrying to know that she states she feels similarly. I don't HATE them; they're innocent babies and it's not their fault. They just need love, but I don't feel entirely bonded with them given the circumstances, and of course it's very difficult not to let that affect my interactions with them. Every time I look at the boys face I see the face of the AP, which is quite hard to deal with. That said, I've been helping to raise these babies for four months and would not want to see their lives destroyed because of the divorce. Every week that goes by is another week where I'm essentially forced to become closer to them, but long-term I worry that I will always treat them differently.

I am struggling with this situation. The babies deserve a chance to have a happy life, however my wife has very little means to support herself and would likely struggle to provide once the alimony payments end. Her grandmother would also be forced to move since we wouldn't be able to afford our house after divorce. In addition, I'm worried about the effects on the older kids; the 14 year old has a history of depression and self-harm and the six year old has severe anxiety. Proceeding with the divorce may push the teenager over the edge, on top of potentially making the twins have a terrible life. I can't simply stop all contact with the kids or my wife; co-parenting would require interaction between all of us in order to maintain my relationship with the other children, particularly the 6 year old.

Some may wonder what kind of advice I might be looking for: to some it seems cut and dry that we should divorce no matter what, while to others they may think I forgave my wife and therefore I should raise these children as my own. It's just not that simple. Please understand that I still care for the well-being of my family, my wife included, despite how she thinks I'm just being selfish and want to be a bachelor again while she gets stuck taking care of children. I told her I'd love to be primary caregiver for our 6 year old daughter, but she's stated she wouldn't allow it and likely the courts wouldn't either given that I work full-time and she does not.
I'm not sure I can continue being married to her. My trust in her is almost non-existent and I spend every day agonizing over what to do. Every day is a struggle for me and I am constantly emotionally exhausted. Some of her behavior when I brought up divorce (both times) has made me even more reluctant to want to spend the next 18 years with her just to give the babies a better life, and in that way perhaps I am in fact being selfish.
On the other hand, she seems incapable of handling a divorce in a level-headed way and has made it clear that if I proceed that she will make my life a living hell and will fight me as hard as she can every step of the way, which will in turn likely cause even more pain and suffering for the family. As long as I don't bring up the divorce, she continues to act like a better person and do everything she can to demonstrate that she's dedicated to us having a happy life together. Obviously she has a huge vested interest in keeping my income and security, but it does also seem like she's regretful of her past behavior and wants to fix thing.

Staying together would certainly be considerably easier, but is that the right decision for me? Are my concerns legitimate? Do I just ignore them? I am at a complicated crossroads with some very difficult decisions to make. Thanks for reading.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2023
id 8815334
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 5:55 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2023

I read your whole post. I only have a few minutes to respond, so I’m going to say this: this woman, your wife, is not a good partner. She is not a good wife. She is not remorseful. She is threatening you in order to keep you in this prison of a marriage. I am 100% supportive of divorce in this situation.

The children, and your different emotional and physical connections to them, is a different situation. That is something you need to separate from your relationship with your wife and navigate. An attorney and a therapist can help you with that.

I hope to see some of our good men pop in here (and I’m sure they will) to give you advice from the male perspective. Finding out you are not the biological parent of one of your children, due to infidelity, is something a woman cannot relate to.

In the meantime, I wish you strength and clarity in navigating this hell you find yourself in. You don’t deserve any of this, but you will get through it.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:56 PM, Thursday, November 16th]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4524   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8815339
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OnTheOtherSideOfHell ( member #82983) posted at 6:07 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2023

In my opinion, you need to blow this whole thing up. Your wife doesn’t seem remorseful at all. She seems manipulative. True love and remorse would read more like "I have behaved reprehensibly towards the man I supposedly love. I can’t undo my actions, so all I can offer you is support and acceptance in any actions you need to heal. I wish to make this marriage work, but if you can’t, I understand and will work towards as painless of a divorce as possible".

Notify the affair partner he has kids he is at the very least financially responsible for. He deserves to know. Who knows what kind of man he is, what he has to offer them, perhaps even his family may want to offer love and support to these innocent babies who deserve to know their biological father and family. Your wife does not get to decide to keep their father away from them. That’s horrendous. The man may be a complete ass as your wife implies, but you don’t know that based off the words of your wife, a known liar.

posts: 251   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2023   ·   location: SW USA
id 8815340
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 6:26 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2023

This is a difficult situation. I recommend reviewing the threads by Director23 (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/634854/there-goes-my-life-question-mark-/) He went through something similar, but your situation seems tougher.

My advice is to follow your instincts. Your wife is trying to hold you hostage and force you to accommodate her extremely poor choices. You're not putting the children in a bad situation. She is.

Follow through with the divorce and ask a lawyer what you can do to get the twins away from her. Take your 6-year-old and continue to support your teenager. Your wife can't deny you access to your own child. That's just selfish panic talking. At 14, your teenager should get a vote on which home she would like to move to, yours or hers, depending on where you live. Frankly, based on your description, your other two children's psychological trauma may improve if removed from such a volatile environment.

This is your life and you get to choose what you want to do with it. She is extremely damaged, and even if you do stay there's no indication she'll be a good mother and won't cheat again. Staying only enables her worst demons.

[This message edited by 1994 at 6:28 PM, Thursday, November 16th]

posts: 225   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8815342
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 Throwaway58351799 (original poster new member #84141) posted at 9:42 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2023

Thank you all for your responses so far. I'll try to look through the referenced information. It's nice seeing agreement from some impartial parties here that my wife's behavior is inappropriate and warrants divorce, but I'll admit it's also very hard for me to come to terms with that. I just have to figure how to work my feelings through it. Particularly knowing that she's not going to let this happen nicely and will surely drag the children into it more than they should be.

I didn't mention earlier that she almost brought the older kids into the room and announced to them without preamble that I was divorcing her: She managed to get out "guess what Daddy is doing?" before I was able to talk her down and get her to stop. Very awkward and fairly appalling to me that she would even have considered acting so immaturely, no matter how hurt her feelings were.

As to telling the AP about his babies, I'm not sure how I feel about that. It would absolutely make our situation more contentious so I am leaning towards holding off on that for the time being. Perhaps the mediator or judge will require it during the proceedings anyway.

[This message edited by Throwaway58351799 at 9:42 PM, Thursday, November 16th]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2023
id 8815357
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:39 PM on Friday, November 17th, 2023

Hi, on my way out, but I highly suggest you find a good IC for yourself. He/she can guide you on how to deal with your manipulative wife and your overall concern for how she's treating the children as well as the stress you are currently experiencing. Your wife She sounds a bit unhinged.

You are living in a toxic relationship on top of all the deception and consequences of your wife's betrayals.

I will say this, you have one life to live, you deserve to be happy, find a good IC, seek out a couple of attorneys if nothing else to gather information to make the best decision possible for you.

posts: 12207   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8815511
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 4:07 PM on Friday, November 17th, 2023

I'd also like to add that you should get your older children into therapy as soon as possible. Even if you do not choose to divorce, they will have some serious scar tissue living with such a manipulative, entitled parent who clearly doesn't care about how her behavior impacts them.
Stay strong. You deserve better.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8815526
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 5:41 PM on Friday, November 17th, 2023

If I'm reading this correctly, the only child that is biologically yours in the six year old. I'm guessing you won't have any legal right to the teenager. The twins deserve to know who they're dad is and he deserves to know he has children.

Focus on your six year old for a minute. She deserves to be in a safe and loving home. Is she? She deserves a happy Dad who provides stability and calm. What choices would you make if the only thing that mattered was your six year old? It's a thought exercise that might give you some clarity.

I mean, it's clear to me that for YOU, this marriage needs to end. Your wife is a hot mess and manipulating the shit out of you. She's horrible frankly. Now add your six year old into the mix. What if what is best for her is to live with her Dad in a happy, safe place?

I don't see a way where you can save the whole family. But I see a way where you can save yourself and your six year old child.

posts: 652   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8815553
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:42 PM on Friday, November 17th, 2023

Get yourself a good attorney and counselor.

And get those kids away from your wife. She appears to be very unstable and vindictive all rolled up into one.

So sorry for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8815554
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:58 AM on Saturday, November 18th, 2023

IMO,the fact that she's a child abuser,far outweighs the infidelity.

The older kids have issues because mom is abusive.

Tell all of this to your attorney. Tell him you want full custody, and you want a psychiatric evaluation because you fear for the kids.

Tell the OM he's the dad. And tell him what you've told us. That she hates them. I don't care how upset she is with anything else in her life. A mother who loves her children would never tell them she hated them. Only a mother who feels that way,would say it. I would chew off my right arm before I would say that to any of my kids.

You are a father. Your job is to protect your children. From their mother. Tell all of the fathers involved. Protect the kids.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6819   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8815588
Topic is Sleeping.
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