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Newest Member: onthefence2024

Just Found Out :
Can't get over him being in love with her

Topic is Sleeping.
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 neverwithoutmychildren (original poster new member #83268) posted at 6:12 PM on Saturday, May 13th, 2023

Hello again,

Thanks so much to everyone who responded!

I have been reading these boards a lot and it helps TREMENDOUSLY!

My husband has been making amends, started his new job, offered full transparency with devices and location, answers my questions without blame or anger, and has been discussing his issues much more openly. He finally now (sometimes) comes to see me on his own to tell me anything that comes up about what happened with OW or anything else about the EA. He will have access to insurance to cover seeing a therapist in a few weeks with the benefits from his new job.

I didn't mention before as I was more focussed on him I guess, but I do have support as I was already in therapy and various counselors because of my previous experience of domestic violence and sexual assault (many years ago but it all came up again as there was a criminal trial, my ex is now in prison, and feeling safer I finally got help and have been working on my own PTSD / Sexual / trauma challenges for a few years now). I have many tools and habits to take care of myself.

On the financial side because this is my second marriage I took precautions to protect my assets and independence, i think I am well set up on that side and I already have a lawyer since I have had so many issues with my ex in family court. He is a really good lawyer and I trust him.

The pain from this experience is horrid and I have been having so much trouble working, focussing, I am getting better with sleeping, eating, drinking water that was tough for the first few weeks.

We are 2 months out from D Day, my WH is NC with OW, deleted her and blocked her everywhere and we have gone over scenarios if he runs into her someday (because he was still so worried about hurting her feelings so I wanted to be sure we were clear that if he ever has a conversation of any kind at anytime in the FUTURE WHATEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES that would be the end for me.).

We have put a contract or rules or agreement in place (not sure how to call it), he put together some precautions on his own (text me if he is ever alone with a female coworker and avoid it whenever possible, out of transparency and for the time being while we work through this), I put my own conditions (if he breaks those it's over, and it's daily behaviors that are on that list) and got most of those from the website here.

I am not making a major decision until June, I decided that right from the start and am sticking to that. I don't want to feel rushed or that he gets to do something stupid and then I have to go and make efforts and spend money etc to make major changes because *he* caused this. I want to to be sure and feel good about my decision.

I did make him find a friend to stay with if I need to kick him our even for a few days, because sometimes it was so unbearable being around him and his lying or other times I just felt so angry I couldn,t stop yelling (which is unproductive for me). So he has a place to stay and accepted to leave if I need that. If in June I have not decided to R then he knows he will have to find a place to live and he is supposed to be looking up housing etc.

So far we have had a lot of ups and downs, the first month was horrible with his anger, blaming,and just despicable behavior on his part. So that along with the EA may be enough that I am not able or willing to R in the long term.

The last 3 weeks have been "better", but still every few days he "relapses" not fully into previous behaviors, but being cold, defensive, and well not very pleasant at all (for a couple hours...).

On the other days (most days now) we have been more open than ever (or he has been!I think I always was!), deeper conversations, much more intimate moments (beyond just the sex) and I am starting to "like" him again (as a whole he is finally "making sense" to me). Will that be enough? Well it will depend on his behavior, efforts, and most of all actions AND if I am able to move forward with all that know and all that happened during and after the EA.

I'd like more specific support (for infidelity, possibly sexual addiction) for him (other than what he can get through his work insurance), and I would like that person to also have experience with sexual trauma. I am hoping maybe we can find something online (does that exist?) because the health system where I live does NOT meet my standards at all, I'm afraid a bad practicioner will be worse than not having one.

I am not sure I answered everyone here, and hopefully no one feels like I was ignoring them, I really appreciate all answers I have gotten so far!

Heartbroken / Married 9 years / BW 47 / WH 44 / 6 month EA / DDay 19Mar23

posts: 16   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2023
id 8790801
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 12:53 AM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

Looks like you have a plan. As they say, having a plan is half the battle.

Good to hear you have support for YOU, and finances are protected.

Sorry, don't have much to suggest re: getting appropriate treatment. Perhaps a referral from an MD or Psychiatrist for a specific type of treatment could help with out of network specialists? These days, many therapist have some kind of remote option.

Just my two cents, but I'd be leery of the whole sex addict category. Lots of sexual entitlement gets the label "sex addiction" IMHO. Theres much debate on this subject, and lots of unqualified people calling themselves "SA certified" or something similar despite the fact SA is NOT an approved category in the DSM. Most insurances won't cover SA specific therapies, so your H should do his due diligence before spending $$$ out of pocket for unproven treatments.

Best wishes to you.

ETA:
Plug "The Secret Sexual Basement, Dr. Omar Minwalla" into your search engine and his white paper on deceptive sexuality will pop up.
Interesting, well-researched perspective on this very topic.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 1:21 AM, Monday, May 15th]

Married 34 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW
HIM: 13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 216   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8790895
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 neverwithoutmychildren (original poster new member #83268) posted at 12:08 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Hi, thanks again for the replies to my post.

I am back as the boards are really helping me and I want to stick around.

Things have been better...as can be under the circumstances.

I have been dealing with losing the relationship I believe I had (it will never be the same, and actually wasn't what I thought before anyway...), trying to wrap my head around what my husband did and all the implications in his beahavior, habits, patterns of acting and thinking etc that led to this. I now understand they are from way before he even met me...and I am only now (possibly) discovering who and how he is. I go from grieving to sad to disbelief and some acceptation then go through the cycle again. The worse part for me is the spiraling thoughts about the OW. I don't look at her pictures online anymore and have blocked her on social media so I am not tempted to do so anymore. I still compare myself and drive myself crazy sometimes with the fact she was younger, prettier and thinner...so very delicate, and then I just imagine him with her...grrrr!

He has continued in the steps to repair and build a safer relationship with me, even if he knows I am still not making any final decision until next month (even then it's based on conditions that will need to be respected or that will be it). He started at his new job, remained open to answer any and all questions about the EA and OW, learning (imperfectly but getting there) to share about his feelings too, what led him to what he did etc He is totally NC, blocked OW on all social media, email, deleted all contact info, also removed all common connections on social media. He is abiding by the "rules" we put together, texting me for example if he happens to be alone with a woman at work (which he is supposed to avoid whenever possible) though where he works it is mostly all men now.

He apologises and expresses regret at having hurt me often now...cries too which is uncommon for him. I feel he may finally be starting to be sorry about the pain he caused and not just for himself...he comes to me on his own to discuss the situation, guesses every time I am sad that it is because of the affair (instead of asking innocently "what's wrong?!" or ignoring it). He seems to realise now that the relationship which he thought was his "soulmate" and he "had never felt that way" even for me, wasn,t even a real friendhsip (he held onto that belief for quite a while that she was a special person and they were friends "who went too far...") since they never actually really did anything outside of work or helped each other out in any way. Looking back he is starting to see that she was selfish too and "used" him like he did her, plus he finally sees that she is not so "wonderful" considering what she did to her own husband (even asking him to give my husband rides to the bus sometimes after work when the OW's husband would pick her up).

He will have access to insurance soon for a counselor and we are looking for some options online as well as I am not happy with the health system and services offered where we live.

He has a place he can stay if I decide I don't want to do this anymore and kick him out.

Overall I am also learning more about him, and in a weird way meeting a new person who as a whole makes a lot more sense and is actually more "real" and interesting than what he sort of pretended to be all these years. I always had a gut feeling something was off with his sexuality and now I see that he has really been struggling with that part pf his life, suffering tremendously from it and dealing with it in a terribly immature, destructive and ineffective way for a long time now!

We have actually gotten really close, which is strange in these circumstances, going deeper into topics we have only talked about in surface after all...

There are moments I really enjoy and then the pain of it all and mostly the thoughts of the OW just devastate me.

So I am hanging in there and keep reading these boards, they are such a lifesaver for me!

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to read and answer, I really appreciate it!

Heartbroken / Married 9 years / BW 47 / WH 44 / 6 month EA / DDay 19Mar23

posts: 16   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2023
id 8792407
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Diva19 ( member #83232) posted at 2:02 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Glad to hear that things are getting a little better for you and your husband. Shows that there is hope for some of us to take a terrible situation and find something new from it. Sounds like your husband is making a good effort to keep you safe and help you heal. I will say that the thoughts of what you feel about the OW I understand that all to well it's hard to let that go from your mind I still do the same and it's been almost a year and even though my husband doesn't think about her anymore or care to I still have trouble finding a way to get past that part. Hopefully soon we both will be able to let that go and focus on the marriage. Keep posting gives me hope for me and my husband.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2023
id 8792454
Topic is Sleeping.
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