Thanks so much to everyone who responded!
I have been reading these boards a lot and it helps TREMENDOUSLY!
My husband has been making amends, started his new job, offered full transparency with devices and location, answers my questions without blame or anger, and has been discussing his issues much more openly. He finally now (sometimes) comes to see me on his own to tell me anything that comes up about what happened with OW or anything else about the EA. He will have access to insurance to cover seeing a therapist in a few weeks with the benefits from his new job.
I didn't mention before as I was more focussed on him I guess, but I do have support as I was already in therapy and various counselors because of my previous experience of domestic violence and sexual assault (many years ago but it all came up again as there was a criminal trial, my ex is now in prison, and feeling safer I finally got help and have been working on my own PTSD / Sexual / trauma challenges for a few years now). I have many tools and habits to take care of myself.
On the financial side because this is my second marriage I took precautions to protect my assets and independence, i think I am well set up on that side and I already have a lawyer since I have had so many issues with my ex in family court. He is a really good lawyer and I trust him.
The pain from this experience is horrid and I have been having so much trouble working, focussing, I am getting better with sleeping, eating, drinking water that was tough for the first few weeks.
We are 2 months out from D Day, my WH is NC with OW, deleted her and blocked her everywhere and we have gone over scenarios if he runs into her someday (because he was still so worried about hurting her feelings so I wanted to be sure we were clear that if he ever has a conversation of any kind at anytime in the FUTURE WHATEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES that would be the end for me.).
We have put a contract or rules or agreement in place (not sure how to call it), he put together some precautions on his own (text me if he is ever alone with a female coworker and avoid it whenever possible, out of transparency and for the time being while we work through this), I put my own conditions (if he breaks those it's over, and it's daily behaviors that are on that list) and got most of those from the website here.
I am not making a major decision until June, I decided that right from the start and am sticking to that. I don't want to feel rushed or that he gets to do something stupid and then I have to go and make efforts and spend money etc to make major changes because *he* caused this. I want to to be sure and feel good about my decision.
I did make him find a friend to stay with if I need to kick him our even for a few days, because sometimes it was so unbearable being around him and his lying or other times I just felt so angry I couldn,t stop yelling (which is unproductive for me). So he has a place to stay and accepted to leave if I need that. If in June I have not decided to R then he knows he will have to find a place to live and he is supposed to be looking up housing etc.
So far we have had a lot of ups and downs, the first month was horrible with his anger, blaming,and just despicable behavior on his part. So that along with the EA may be enough that I am not able or willing to R in the long term.
The last 3 weeks have been "better", but still every few days he "relapses" not fully into previous behaviors, but being cold, defensive, and well not very pleasant at all (for a couple hours...).
On the other days (most days now) we have been more open than ever (or he has been!I think I always was!), deeper conversations, much more intimate moments (beyond just the sex) and I am starting to "like" him again (as a whole he is finally "making sense" to me). Will that be enough? Well it will depend on his behavior, efforts, and most of all actions AND if I am able to move forward with all that know and all that happened during and after the EA.
I'd like more specific support (for infidelity, possibly sexual addiction) for him (other than what he can get through his work insurance), and I would like that person to also have experience with sexual trauma. I am hoping maybe we can find something online (does that exist?) because the health system where I live does NOT meet my standards at all, I'm afraid a bad practicioner will be worse than not having one.
I am not sure I answered everyone here, and hopefully no one feels like I was ignoring them, I really appreciate all answers I have gotten so far!