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Newest Member: Groholl

Divorce/Separation :
Relief and Crushing Sadness

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Buckles (original poster new member #82495) posted at 10:20 PM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

I was served divorce papers yesterday. It wasn’t a surprise, but it was the end. She moved in with her married affair partner five months ago. During this time we’ve communicated via email. I’ve tried to convince her in every way imaginable to come home, but to no avail. Why did I do that? 1) I love her. 2) We had a good and happy marriage from my perspective. 3) She is emotionally immature combined with attachment issues. From what I’ve learned, those issues can be worked on in counseling. 4) I’m an idiot.

I feel this entire fiasco is just stupid. She has mental health issues, she admits she needs help, but refuses to get help. She has run away from every relationship she’s ever had. I also believe her affair stems from unresolved grief from the recent death of her parents. She just refuses to get help. I’ve tried to help her, but it’s over now. All that insight doesn’t stop the pain. The affair and the divorce is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I don’t have a support system, and every day has been worse than the day before. Maybe now things will start to get better.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2022
id 8785354
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 12:18 AM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

Welcome, Buckles. I’m guessing you’ve been in limbo since you joined in December. And now you have divorce papers. Things will indeed get better. Limboland, it’s about the worst place to be in my experience. You can now begin to move forward.

This is all still fresh for you, and it’s going to be a roller coaster. Like your name, buckle up. I hope the process goes smoothly for you.

Remember, it’s not up to you to psychoanalyze her. She did what she did because she wanted to. The only thing you can control is yourself. Work on that. Are you in individual counseling? If not, I highly highly recommend it. Find yourself a good therapist who will help you keep your head on straight. Remember also that none of this is your fault.

I am so sorry you are here, and I am sorry for your pain. Weekends can be slow here, so just hang on. Others will be along to offer advice.

(((Buckles)))

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4500   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8785368
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 12:56 AM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

Welcome to SI and sorry you had to find us. Infidelity is the worst pain imaginable. I worked with a betrayal trauma specialist, and it was so helpful.

Expect to grieve for the M, and the things you had planned. This is a sucky time. I cried when I filed the paperwork, and when I got the call that the D was final. And days in between.

You're not an idiot. You sound like a caring person who loved deeply and was betrayed. It's ask possible that you trauma bonded, which can occur when there's intermittent reinforcement or push-pull on the emotions. It can add another of complexity to the break because you're addicted to her treatment of you.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3117   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8785373
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 Buckles (original poster new member #82495) posted at 5:39 AM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

Thank you for the kind words. I am in individual counseling, and it does help.

I’ve read about trauma bonding, and you may be correct, but I hope not.

I’ll be fine, and then a memory will occur, and I feel empty, and very alone. It really hurts, and I’m really tired of hurting.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2022
id 8785394
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:52 AM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

It will get easier. It really stinks right now, but time and distance and perspective will work their magic.
Hang in there. I;m sorry you are in this spot.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5817   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8785399
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Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 11:32 PM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

Buckles, I am so sorry. It in essence is a death of loved one, the hopes and dreams, it all comes crashing down so heavy.

In my case 8 years ago I found out my STBXWH had cheated, we falsely reconciled, post-nuptial signed (thought it would keep him from cheating) now 8 years later, he's cheated again.

This time he filed the divorce before I could--strangely he wears that like a badge of honor, several times saying "that's why I filled"..he only filled because he was about to be exposed again for cheating and didn't want the post-nuptial to take affect with infidelity clause.

Its all very hard, but her mental health issues are not YOUR burden to bare. Mine too has a host of mental health issues which I felt were fixable, but I firmly believe some of us are "fixers" of people and think they can be good partners just if they were to get help.

I had to tell myself that these broken people are adults, help is available and even widely accepted and if they don't choose help why should we as the healthy people be subjected to their choice to not get help?

I have made so many excuses for my STBXH, his childhood, his eating disorder, even had it mandated in our post-nuptial for him to get therapy to which he went a handful of times and claimed he had PTSD from childhood abuse and he's now "cured"!!

All along I was damaging myself for being intertwined with a mentally ill person who did not care he was taking me along for the dysfunction ride. After years of this, now I need therapy for "feeling sorry & thinking he was fixable".

We are good people that look for the good in others, that's a incredible gift but it's often at our demise.

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8785449
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 Buckles (original poster new member #82495) posted at 2:03 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Dear Crazytrain101,

Your message really spoke to me. I’ve been doing exactly what you describe, trying to fix her. You’re right, help is available, but she’s chosen not to take advantage of it. Thank you very much for responding. I really needed to read that.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2022
id 8785488
Topic is Sleeping.
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