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Newest Member: KstinTX

Divorce/Separation :
Please help with advice

Topic is Sleeping.

 Lolati11 (original poster member #34915) posted at 2:31 AM on Wednesday, March 1st, 2023

Warning. : i had a few glasses of wine so my typos are ridiculous !!!

So now that I know and have met with a divorce lawyer , I know my rights in my state I can file for infidelity but I am told I need more evidence . In order to do so I need to act normal . My WH knows something is wrong , he even stated : you’re different you’re not happy anymore what’s wrong ? Your distant .

If I go and file for divorce for cheating , I get a lot more money . But how am I supposed to act normal ? . I am trying , i know that I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t love me enough to respect our marriage . Someone that I had defied my family and my religious believes to be with . A little back story we work in the same building , the OW works for him she is his secretary !! Clichée right ? . So today at lunch time I see her and she is doing her best to make eye contact and greet me , of course I do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen. Mind you I am in a position that puts me in a spot, where I have to lead by example and greet hourly associates . But damn I found myself to be that person in a leadership position where I am bringing home problems to work. I can’t help it but blaming myself, for not having control over my emotions . And I am good at that in normal circumstances .

I need advice , do I just break it off now and walk with 50% of our assets ? Or do I wait and collect more evidence and walk with 75% of our assets . I worked hard for what we have accomplished financially . I want the maximum , but my emotions are taking the best of me . Please advise

[This message edited by Lolati11 at 8:38 AM, Wednesday, March 1st]

Me:36Him: 53OW: a monster that I called friend before D-Day:June 20,2011
D-Day #2 February 2023
Me: 42 Him: 59 OW : 49 6kids and 3 baby dads
You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you

posts: 161   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2012
id 8779925

ChewedMeUp ( member #8008) posted at 3:10 PM on Wednesday, March 1st, 2023

In my situation, I learned to compartmentalize like he did, even though it made me feel slimy. I'd still get the adrenaline drop, feel my heart rate spike, but I learned to ignore and think through it, smother my reaction, remind myself that it's temporary and I just have to get through. It really doesn't feel healthy.

In your situation, it sounds like you need a PI to get your evidence, and if I were you, I'd start laying the groundwork for seeming off kilter. Complain of migraines, or menstrual issues - if you're a good enough actor, play off your disgust as stomach cramps. Start making noises about maybe needing to see a doctor. If you're on the pill or other meds, start making noises about maybe needing a doc appointment to adjust your meds because you can feel your hormones out of whack, etc. Practice plastering on a fake smile, and pretend you're someone else, or think about how much better off you'll be with more money in your pocket.

It's not easy to fake your way through, just keep repeating to yourself that you just have to get through, and you can break down later when you're alone.

I wish you luck.

BS - over 40
DivorcED, finally.
2 Kids

posts: 657   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2005   ·   location: Baltimore, MD
id 8780007

EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 3:39 PM on Wednesday, March 1st, 2023

One thing to consider is what will be the cost difference between the two? IE proving infidelity and any potential dragging of feet on his side will cost more in attorney fees, etc. This may or may not be a factor depending on the totally amount you are looking at. Meaning, you do not want to eat up any potential additional winnings in fees (attorney, PI, your mental/emotional health) if it will be a wash, etc.

Secondly, is there negotiation room? Meaning your STBX might be VERY interested in not having to go through an infidelity-based D and may agree to give you more that 50% for not going that route.

Lastly, put your own health first. I was willing to walk away with nothing but the clothes on my back and my kids before I was going to mess around with years of court fighting with my ex. I determined it would be a small price to pay to get out when I did.

Ultimately, it worked out in my favor but you have to decide where your line is on what you are willing to continue to endure vs the settlement, etc.

That is something only you can determine.

posts: 6893   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8780019

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:35 PM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

Why not some good old-fashioned gaslighting?

When he asks you what's wrong, say "Nothing is wrong; you're imagining things." If he pushes back, then ask, "Do you think I have a reason to be unhappy and distant? What's going on?" That will probably shut him up.

If you're refusing sex, then take ChewedMeUp's advice: complain about health issues and make some doctor's appointments (or pretend to).

In the meantime, get your ducks in a row. If you're in a state that recognizes adultery as cause for divorce and favorable division of assets, then hire a PI, gather all your evidence, and then file as quickly possible.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1943   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8780293

shewp ( new member #82644) posted at 2:27 AM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

I'm with Bluerthanblue gaslight the F*** out of him. I get it. You're devastated and hurting but also want to be smart. You need to get into your anger and hate for him. And you get to plan how you BLINDSIDE him with the fun news that you know. Just think of how tight things will get for him and the help... I mean his secretary when he's lost 75%. Subpar men look a lot better with money. I would find out what kind of evidence you need.

You need to channel all this anger into the moment of truth when you get to blow up his world the way he's blown up yours. Think about it. You're just going along sticking your business into your secretary and bam you just lost 75% of your sh**. Bam you lost your marriage. Bam you gotta find a new place to live. Use this opportunity to mentally torture him. He has to be nervous and guilty as hell that you know something is up. When he asks what wrong I would turn it around on him. Say that you've noticed he's seemed more paranoid than usual and you're wondering if something is up? Also, I'd start making him paranoid about other things. Is he gaining weight, starting to go a little grey. Give him a back handed compliment and reassure him that no matter how much he ages you'll love him just as much as you do today. He will start to think he looks bad and become super insecure. So much fun!

posts: 22   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8780403

StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 3:38 AM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Do your best to wait, I know that may not be feasible, though. Hire a credible PI to speed up the evidence gathering.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6091   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8780421
Topic is Sleeping.
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