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Newest Member: BallofAnxiety

Reconciliation :
Struggling finding WH attractive

Topic is Sleeping.

 SomethingOminous (original poster new member #77393) posted at 4:37 AM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

Lately I've just been feeling like I'm not attracted to my WH anymore.
He is physically attractive. But I just don't feel attracted to him.
I don't really know what to do about it, if anything at all.
The bugger issues for me are just not having the feeling of desire, uniqueness, no longer having the feeling of being important and special, and without those, I'm not really sure what feelings there are left to have about my WH, and about how he feels about me.

I think for me, the issues stems from the fact that I lived through trickle truth over 9 months. I never got full honesty and transparency from him, so I did my little detective work and pieced everything together myself. Then when I finally had pretty much the full picture, he finally came clean. But by that time, I'd already lost a lot of faith and hope in him.
From that point onwards, he started to change and show remorse for his actions, really started to grow as a person, but I remember the hurt and the pain I went through over the first 9 months after D-day. I remember the lack of remorse, I remember the cruelty, the blameshifting and gaslighting, all of that. I think about the fact that he was capable of being so cruel, and I just don't know how I can feel love for and attracted to somebody who was willing to do that to me. Who was willing to hurt me so deeply, after an initial pain that was already horrible enough.
I don't know. I am wondering if I'll ever feel attracted to him again. Even as he is changing and becoming a safer person, I just struggle because I still see him as the person who was not willing to go NC with AP until 2 months later when I discovered he was still seeing her.
It's kind of like an out of body experience, I look at him sometimes and think, I don't know you at all, even if he is being completely faithful now, I may never know if he is or not, because for me, I was truly shocked when I found out he'd been unfaithful, I was utterly convinced he was a faithful person, I genuinely didn't have warning signs.

I'm getting off topic. What do you do when you don't find your spouse attractive anymore? Is this a phase? Do we get through this? Any thoughts on similar experiences would be appreciated.

BS (me) WH (him) - Together 5 yearsD-Day1 - 14.11.20 - discovered EA and PA with COWD-Day 2 - 6-3-21 - discovered that WH had been online cheating for 4/5 years

'Him cheating was never about me.'

posts: 36   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8763072

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:47 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

I went through phases like that during the 1st, say 18-24 months after d-day, but they didn't last long.

My reco is to not think about whether or not the sexual attraction will return. Don't struggle. Instead, monitor yourself. Notice if you're attracted or not. Notice if you go back and forth or stay in one place.

Sometimes R is not the best solution. If he doesn't evoke butterflies, your gut may be telling you to dump him. I was deep into my 60s - that is deep into the time of life when sex becomes difficult - on d-day. Even then, with perhaps just a few more years of enjoying sex, I think I'd have split if my W didn't turn me on.

Having said that, my W is now 77. She looked better 50 years ago, as did I. smile To stay interested, I focus a lot on touch, which feels pretty much like it did when we were kids, and on positives. That is, I focus on the (many) parts of her that I like, not the parts that have deteriorated. I'd recommend adopting that approach if your WS is a good candidate for R and you want to stick with him.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28204   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8763121

Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 11:00 PM on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2022

I am so sorry that you feel kinda stuck in limbo. This is to be expected right now--- you have experienced a lot and the pain is deep. Doesn't this happen though normally in relationships though.. we feel a little blah about one another at times.. marriages wax and wane.. we got our highs and lows.. I know I felt that way sometimes prior to his infidelity and of course feel that way now too at times. I would not get hung up on it... just trying doing small things together.. new hobbies.. sit on the couch and cuddle.. ask for a back rub, take a walk holding hands.. all these things build intimacy together. I know it is not easy.. None of us have had it easy but don't lose hope. God Bless.

posts: 158   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8763326

swmnbc ( member #49344) posted at 12:43 AM on Thursday, November 3rd, 2022

Do you feel non-physical affection for him, or just kind of "blah"? There's something called the "plain of lethal flatness" that people talk about a lot here. It's a kind of numbness that happens at a certain point in reconciliation. But generally it's not usually just a reference to sexual feelings so that might not be what you're experiencing.

posts: 1825   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8763341

BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 8:33 PM on Thursday, November 3rd, 2022

Hi @SomethingOminous I'm so sorry you've had to deal with the pain of betrayal and the aftermath. I know you said your H has now changed and is showing remorse for his actions, which is good. Is he also doing all he can to rebuild the broken trust in your marriage and did you both go for IC and MC after you decided to R.

I know from my own experience that healing from infidelity takes time and you have gone through so much hurt and pain from this situation. Is it possible you haven't healed completely, and this is affecting the emotions you have towards your H.

Just want to encourage you to remember that despite what has happened you are important, unique and worthy of love that can be trusted.

posts: 242   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8763462

Bandooked ( new member #81139) posted at 1:48 AM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

I know the feeling. Just made my first post then seen your thread. It sucks. I feel like I could try harder, but I just don't want to right now. I went through so much pain and suffering and I'm just over it right now. I feel like I've gotten through the worst of it, now it's like I'm looking myself in my eyes asking if I really want this. I don't have any desire for sex from her, nor really anyone. Sex just doesn't have the same appeal. I'm in my mid 40's and feel like I'd rather just become a monk. Relationships suck. Some days I picture myself on a spaceship, alone, floating through space. That sounds like a flight I would book right now. Just want away from her.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2022
id 8765054

smitty82 ( new member #80920) posted at 1:31 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Hi SomethingOminous,
I haven't posted for a while but reading your post has really made total sense to me. My DDay was in March (2022) and I was totally broken. I held it together for the world and just got the f*** on with life. I have 4 kids that I would do anything for and wanted them to be unaffected by their dad's weak and selfish behavior and my feelings of worthlessness.
For a while now I look at him and it's very much like the rose tint has been removed from my glasses. I used to think that he was the most wonderful man in existence but just now he couldn't be further from that. I don't know if this feeling is going to last forever but it sort of scares me.
I have gone through all of this only to find that it maybe wasn't worth it..........

posts: 17   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8765233
Topic is Sleeping.
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