Hello Once again.
I seem to be struggling over the past few weeks and things don't seem to be getting any better. In fact they seem to be going a bit flat.
I have been trying to move past my wifes 8 week affair for the past 16 months. When things are good, they are ok. When things are bad they are bad.
As I'm sure, so many of you are aware. Its so, so hard, and I see why a lot of people just can't do it.
Things are good in the bedroom. My wifes always checks in to see how I am throughout the day. She always says she loves me, she always comes and gives me a cuddle and she can tell when I'm down. But its just not enough.
She sees me as being very critical over everything she does. She sees that even though i know she is doing everything is criticise what she is doing because it just doesn't cut for me.
I will say things such as her texts saying she loves me seems like a routine and just words. I will say sex is just routine to try and keep me happy. I will say she doesn't want me the way she wanted her AP. This could and probably is all just in my head and possibly is just me being jealous. But its causing problems.
I asked her to read one of the articles from the healing Library and how a Betrayed spouse feels and what they need to do. She said she gets it and feels my pain.
However, I still don't feel I'm getting the truth. Some of the things she says just seems impossible to be true. She keeps saying the affair was a mistake and she hates it and what she has done. But she cant explain how she was able to go out and meet her AP every night. I know this is something she needs to work on with a IC. But while I'm not getting the answers I'm not allowing us to move on.
At what stage do I just give up trying to get my version of the truth? Because my IC said that I have a version of events in my head. Now because her story doesn't match with what happened I'm saying its lies and i don't believe her.
How do I know whats the truth and what is my head playing games with me. After all I have been hurt, I'm suffering a trauma. Whats real and whats not?
While I'm trying to get things clear in my head I think I'm pushing her away.
When we argue in a big way, she will say tings such as she is done and she means it. She cant do this anymore. She will say she is going to go and tell her parents what she has done as we cant live like this.
Most of the time we are fine and we get through the days. But times she will say the above.
Then when we are fine she says that she gets angry too. Its frustrating as I'm not accepting her version of the truth. But I have a feeling in my gut that its just a story to protect me and our relationship.
After last nights arguing and saying she has had enough we did eventually make up. But this morning she texted me and said that she loves me so so much. I text back and said I love her to but this is making me ill. She said she can see that and she thinks I shouldn't be with her any more because I don't believe the things she says and I look at her differently.
Im confused. Because I read some much on her that the wayward spouse will do what ever they cant to fix things. My wife does do that. But at times its like she is threatening to leave me with out saying the words. Its like she wants to leave but doesn't have the guts. But when things are good, i can see she loves me. I really can.
Im confused, I'm tired and I'm heart broken. I don't know how much more I can take.
She says one minute we will get through this together and we will be ok and the next she is telling me she cant do this and thinks i shouldn't be with her because of what she has done and that she has been cruel.
I understand that if she is telling the truth it must be frustrating.
I understand that there will be the POLF. I am going through that at the moment. Im also feeling that im not good enough or what my wifes wants.
But is this normal behaviour from a WS thats wanting to fix the damage they caused?
Please note that my wife is doing everything she can and i really do mean everything but for me at the moment its just not enough