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Newest Member: Tortex

Reconciliation :
Where to go from here


 Gtacch (original poster new member #80325) posted at 11:51 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Will it get better? It’s been 16 months since I found out my husband had been carrying a 2 year affair plus other indiscretions - I Will never know the full story but I am certain there were others. His affair was both emotional and physical. Someone he works with. God only knows why but one day I decided to look at our cell phone bills. Not because I suspected something but just because. …. At first I was quite surprised by the long list of numbers… It’s like he spent all day trying to connect with someone -anyone. When I looked more closely I noticed a number that kept repeating. I called it and a woman answered- I knew then and my world collapsed. Here I am 16 months later .. trying to rebuild. And it’s so hard. We have good days and bad days .. more good ones than bad at this point. But there is not a day that goes where it all comes to mind and it leaves me weak. When I go through those bad periods, It leaves me feeling empty, weak, with such self loath. … He doesn’t handle my downs very well. He always turns it around and ends up explaining how it’s affecting him. His health. He says he wants to be in peace. Asks how long must it go on for. He just retreats into his own thoughts. I still think I am in shock - not understanding how anyone could do this to someone they say they love. I have three grown kids. We are in our late forties. Not sure where to go from here.

posts: 3   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2022   ·   location: Toronto
id 8740777

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 12:50 AM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

First...WELCOME to the BEST club you never wanted to be a part of smile . Also...weekends are kind of slow on please don't be discouraged if you don't get many replies. Post whatever you need often as you want...we are here to help smile .

Will it get better?

Yes Ma' will get better smile . But it may get a whole lot worse first...especially if your husband isn't being a safe partner for you right now (((HUGS))).

It is a GOOD sign that y'all are having more good days than bad days right now...PROGRESS grin . For ME...16 months out I was still a MESS sad . It wasn't until around year 3 that I started feeling like I had turned a corner. Everyone heals at their own pace you may find yourself healing a little faster...or even a little slower than I did. That is all just long as you can move toward healing smile .

He says he wants to be in peace.

He sure picked the WRONG way to have it duh . What did he EXPECT would happen when he does something that is so DESTRUCTIVE???!!! I can bet that YOU want peace too from this infidelity HELL you got put in through NO FAULT of your own!!!

Not sure where to go from here.

Reaching out like this is a good start smile . Working toward healing YOU is what you need to do for right now. Your husband should be working toward healing his brokenness. After that...y'all can work on healing the M. IF...that is still what you want to do. The CHOICE is yours Dear Lady smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6162   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8740781

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 11:08 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

You're currently rugsweeping the affair, something that will make it easier for him to have more affairs later on, because he's learning there are no real consequences for his cheating. He's pressuring you to stop bringing it up, stop letting him see how it affects you, treating you like the pain he's caused you is your problem and a burden to him. That's a narcissist in action, not a loving husband. You are not in reconciliation.

I recommend you read Cheating in a Nutshell by Tamara and Wayne Mitchell, to get a better understanding of the situation you are in.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8740867

3starsinthedark ( new member #78664) posted at 11:18 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

Your story is very similar to mine. 2 year affair mostly physical. Similar age and 3 older children. I wish I could say something that would be super helpful, but it sucks and I don’t really have any answers for you or for me. I just want to send you a virtual hug and tell you, you are not alone. Posting helps and there are some wonderful people here who are farther out and have reconciled successfully. Hopefully they wean help.

I am 2.5 years post DD and still struggling. I like you have some good days but still wake up and it’s the first thought in my head. I still feel overwhelming shock this has happened. At night I can ruminate about the how’s and why’s whilst FWH sleeps like a baby. Night times are extremely triggering.

He also sees my downs as some sort of attack and I am still seeing this, despite him having lots of IC. I feel his impatience and his lack of true remorse is not what true reconciliation looks like. He still likes to play the victim so I know he hasn’t really done "the work" which allows the wayward to really get it.

I hope, for your sake, your husband sees what an incredible gift he has been given, and you can re-build things in a healthier way. If he isn’t in IC then this could help. I wish I had not been so quick to reconcile without coming here and reading up on things first.I did the whole pick me dance and made it far too easy for him. But it’s not easy when your whole world implodes -is it! You just want things back to normal.

Please look after you, self care is so important and you can become so absorbed with them and their feelings, you loose yourself.

Good luck xxx

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2021
id 8740868

leafields ( member #63517) posted at 2:36 AM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

There's a post in the Just Found Out forum called, Before You Say Reconcile - Recover. I've requested to have it bumped. It may give you some helpful tips.

Will it get better? That depends on what 'it' is. For my situation, my XWH wouldn't do the work to be a safe partner, sexually assaulted his next person, and I decided to D.

Did my M get better? No, because both of us weren't in 100%. Am I better? Yes, so much better. But it took about 3 years after Dday1 and 2 therapists.

What has your WH done to show that he's 100% all in, and willing to do to be a safe partner?

ETA: I don't consider that I was in R, it just took awhile for my heart to catch up with my head.

Take some time to evaluate what you really want in your relationship and if your WH is capable of that?

[This message edited by leafields at 2:39 AM, Sunday, June 19th]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1233   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8740875

 Gtacch (original poster new member #80325) posted at 11:42 PM on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

Thank you everyone for the comments, feedback and guidance. I have been told before that he may be a narcissist. I don’t think anyone has ever told him that but he fits the mould. I have read so many of the other comments about reconciliation and to be honest I wonder why we put ourselves through this. I am starting to realize that when he is not around I am at peace and although our time together can also be peaceful and joyful, more often than not he triggers so much sadness, self loath, anger, and deep pain. We rarely have deep conversations. It’s so in the surface … I want to talk. I want to know what he’s feeling. I want him to know what I am feeling. I need him to be there to hold me as I fall forward into nothingness. Not sure he can be there that way. I mentioned to him yesterday how I don’t feel seen. Very little affection .. rare compliments - .. with regards to the affection, he said — ‘we have been married for a long time - some couples don’t even have sex after years of marriage’ .. sad

posts: 3   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2022   ·   location: Toronto
id 8741440

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:24 AM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

He's had sixteen months to start doing the work. If he was going to do it, you would have seen some action on it by now. It's so exhausting dealing with all of the grief and trauma that sometimes we end up accepting much less than we ever thought we would because we're just so tired of struggling. I think your WH is doing a rugsweep, that he's selfishly only concerned with his own comfort, and that he's emotionally abandoned you to your own devices. That's a pretty damned rotten thing to do to someone on top of destroying their serenity and security.

Talking is healing. And you're right, at sixteen months out all you want to do is talk, to understand, to put the puzzle pieces of the story together, to get some fucking reassurance that you're in the right place still. It shouldn't be so damned hard for WS's to pull their heads out of their hindquarters and get involved. But that's what makes them WS's, I guess. All you know for sure is that he absolutely doesn't 'get it'.

Only you can decide if what he's offering is enough. It sounds so lonely. You're not even really getting a friend and companion because you're not allowed to talk freely. I wish I could give you some foolproof plan to make this guy get off his ass and remediate his poor character, but I think you already know that nothing you can do can "fix" someone else. He's got to do that himself and he won't until/unless he sees the need for it.

You've come to a good place though. Cry, scream, vent.. it's all good. Talk as much as you want. We're listening.. and we've been there.

((big hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5742   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8741507

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:01 AM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022


I think one of the biggest mistakes one can make when someone transgresses on us is to wait for THAT person to respond. It’s like if your husband had tossed you into a lake and you are there floundering about waiting for him to pull you out. Wait long enough and you might drown, or you might realize you can stand on your toes and touch bottom, yet still remain wet, cold and miserable. A better reaction might be for you to swim to land, and then work out why he did what he did.

Another mistake is when someone does something to us, gives us an explanation and maybe a promise never to do it again and then repeats the action and we AGAIN expect the person to not repeat the action.

It can be a powerful moment when we put the onus of change and of proving change on the wayward spouse, while at the same time WE make changes that WE can control and that lead US to a better place.

Unfortunately for someone posting in the reconciliation forum that does mean accepting that a very possible and likely result might be divorce. On the plus side… what you describe isn’t reconciliation, but rather an attempt to learn to live with a big pink elephant crapping in the living-room.

Think of it this way: If the present situation doesn’t change… will you be happy? If he changes and works on himself and you two on the marriage will you be happy? If you were to divorce would you eventually be happy?

Personally – for me – the last two options sound better than the first. Both option 2 and 3 offer possible happiness, whereas remaining in infidelity is to me a life-sentence of misery.

I encourage you to look into some things, and to be brutally honest with your husband.
Look into what divorce is like in your state. What is a realistic outcome. What would your life be like 1 year, 2 years and maybe 5 years after a divorce. You aren’t looking into this because you want to D or are going to D, but rather because it’s one of two good paths out of infidelity. You want to understand it if your husband decides he doesn’t want out of infidelity.

When you have that view you let your husband know that you are not accepting the status quo. That you want change. He has the chance to implement that change, but if he doesn’t then you will be making the changes YOU can control. That change is divorce. It’s not something that happens instantly, you might begin by making your financial ducks line up, or limiting marital activites. But if he doesnst change… you move on.
Divorce is not a threat – its not "You improve or I will divorce you". It’s more "I need you to change, and this is what needs changing. If you aren’t capable of that or not willing to try, then we need to reevaluate why we are married".

Reclaiming this power – the power of pacing yourself towards a better life – will boost your confidence. That in turn can help reconciling, but it also helps you move on IF he remains at the bank of the lake waiting to push you back in.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8741514

BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 5:23 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

Hi @Gtacch I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal and the lack of support from your H. I'm always rooting for marriages to be healed and for true R but I also know that it takes a lot of work for this to happen and two important parts of this work is sincere remorse from the WS and full commitment to rebuilding the broken trust.
Sadly it seems these might be missing from your H from what you've shared.

I know it's been 16 months since DD but have either of you had IC since then or considered some sort of mediation to help both of you process what has happened. I only ask because from my own experience this would be a beneficial and vital step in your R journey and trying to rebuild your relationship as you have said.

I do understand how difficult it must be feeling that you're not seen or heard by your H and no one should feel like that in their marriage. I think moving forward you would have to ask the question of him if he is still committed to rebuilding the relationship you have because rug sweeping what has happened is certainly not going to help your relationship.

No matter what happens I want to encourage you to remember that you're worthy of love that can be trusted and your worth is not dependent on someone else's wrong choices.

Stay strong and big hugs )))

posts: 211   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8741811

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:36 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

I’m sorry after all this your H is not supporting you.

He doesn’t appear to fully understand what he has done. It’s not just "ooh I had an affair. My bad". It’s his lack of emotional intelligence AND caring that is the issue.

I often say it’s not the affair that destroys the marriage but it’s the behavior of the cheater after Dday (affair discovery day) that destroys the marriage.

After16 months you see what you are left with — a cheater who is not doing all that is needed to help you heal, repair them damage and have true remorse.

As Bigger stated above, you now have choices to make. Stay - and accept this is the best you are going to get, Divorce because you want something better for yourself or live in limbo with him, hoping he will change.

I suggest that if you stay, you develop your own life. Independent from him. I’m not saying cheating on him, but ensuring your social life, spiritual life, work life etc. are giving you joy and happiness.

I am one of the lucky ones that Reconciled and we are happy. But I made some big changes in myself (not being a doormat any longer) and wasn’t willing to accept "I’m sorry" from my H w/out the work being put in by him. He either changed or we D. It was that simple - and he knew it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12289   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8741898

 Gtacch (original poster new member #80325) posted at 1:45 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2022

Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy! I hear him and I think, maybe you are right .. maybe it’s time for me to move on, stop thinking about the affair, allow us to be happy. Other times, he brings up so much from the past, and I don’t even what we were talking about at the start of the conversation. He questioned why did I have a problem with his porn viewing. He said "we share everything.. bank accounts, house.. etc… should we also share wet dreams" …. While in shocked that he was even asking, I explained to him again why it bothered me. He does not see anything wrong with it. He has admitted that now he is deleting his web browsing history so that I would not see it. Although I explained to him how it makes me feel unwanted, not enough, not beautiful enough.. he does not see anything wrong with it. I explained to him how his porn viewing could be affecting the intimacy that we are missing. He does not think so. I mean something is wrong when you are visiting porn sites during a working day (which he denies even though it was in his browsing history before he decided to start deleting it). He just doesn’t get it - or is it me? crying

posts: 3   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2022   ·   location: Toronto
id 8742137

PowerWithin ( new member #80349) posted at 3:54 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2022

It is absolutely, definitely not you. Your concerns are totally legitimate. It makes sense that right now, you might be questioning yourself, but be aware that is likely happening because he is not reassuring you or being accountable.

We get attached to our partners and there’s an unconscious part of us that wants to pardon them or cut them slack, and that can impact our ability to set aside their words (rationalizations, excuses, arguments, defenses) and really see their actions.

Consider this: He hides his behavior from you because he doesn’t want you to know about it. Does that seem healthy to you? Responsible? Respectful? Loving? When he justifies his behavior to you and says he sees nothing wrong with it, he is denying your experience, isn’t he? That is not okay. And it is not your fault.

Compare that to a situation with a partner who cares about you and has integrity. You say, "When you do _____, I feel _______." And your partner responds, "I had no idea you felt that way about it. I am so sorry I hurt you. Tell me more about how it impacts you, and let’s figure out a way through this together." I know how ideal that response seems, and yet, it reflects fairness, sensitivity and collaboration, which you are worthy of.

I spent a long time thinking that if I could just find the right words to say, my husband would suddenly "get it", but it doesn’t work that way. I realized that he has to do the work to understand what is going on inside himself that allows him to act like a victim and to seek external validation, rather than act with integrity and have an internal locus of control. It often stems from unresolved childhood issues (developmental trauma) which he may or may not remember.

"The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment." - Pema Chödrön

posts: 39   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Midwest
id 8742157
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