Feeling the “ick”

Hello everyone- It’s been a while since I posted. I am almost 4 years past d-day. Trying to R. I am really struggling with intimacy and just the thought of my FWH touching me is making me feeling really icky. I have never felt like this before, even after D-Day. I have always been a very been very tactile person and it’s important to me to be touched and cuddled.

We did a lot of hysterical bonding at first- then things settled down but were still a lot more frequent than before the affair. For the last 6 months or so I have started to think about the sex he had with AP again, some mind movies are back and I feel really disgusted by him. I am actually quite shocked that I didn’t react like this at the start. Just confused as to why, only now, am I so repulsed by it all?

I can’t even bring myself to think about the crazy sex we had at first. It feels like it wasn’t me, I am feeling embarrassed about how I behaved and how easy I made it for him. I have blocked out a lot of what happened in those early weeks, because they were so awful.

I don’t know if this means I am done with R. I have been struggling to think about the future, to plan things and can’t imagine us growing old together. The thought of Christmas is overwhelming me too. FWH is getting excited and wanting to book things. I feel like I have gone backwards 3 years and don’t know what to do.

My biggest fear is I have just wasted 4 years trying to R, on top of 26 years being married to the wrong guy. I try to think about how far we have come but it’s like my body has just taken over and is saying - no way - yuk.

Lots of people told me early on, when I was confused, that you’ll just know when you’re done. I think maybe as I have healed, I am beginning to realise I am not attracted to him anymore.

Anyone else go through this so long after d- day? If you felt icky about physical intimacy, did that ever come back? Thanks 🙏

10 comments posted: Friday, November 10th, 2023

When is enough, enough? Giving up on R

I am 2years and 2months out from D-Day and still wake everyday with that horrible tummy churning anxiety. I had hoped it would ease, especially as I felt it during the time of WH’s 2 year physical affair, so it’s going on 4 years now.

I know he is no longer cheating, drinking or watching porn. I can see some positive changes. I just don’t know if I can ever forgive him. It’s the way he treated me and the children during the affair and in the initial aftermath of discovery, that I really struggling with.

I still don’t know his why’s, he is still in IC and trying to figure it out. After D-Day there was lots of blame toward me and trickle truth for around 8 months, which was torture. He made my weight a big issue and this has really affected my self esteem. I feel weak for staying and like he’s just putting on an act and will revert back at any moment. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do for our boys. But now I see them behaving like him at times and wonder what I am teaching them with regards to relationships and respect.

I thought we were in R but not sure that he is doing as much as he should to make me feel safe. This is why my gut still churns and twists. Everyone says trust your gut - should I just give up on trying to R - as I don’t really feel any better than I did 4 years ago. I can’t help feel something is missing? I know nobody can tell me what to do - just would appreciate some advice. If anyone else felt like this for so long - what did they do ? Thank you for reading x

17 comments posted: Monday, February 21st, 2022