Thank you ChamomileTea, Seeking2Forgive Want2BHappyAgain, whatisloveanyway, HouseOfPlane, and secondtime for your responses,
I really am so grateful for this community! General consensus appears to be: it's likely a phase and not likely to be lasting.
I understand your questions, Seeking2Forgive's, about my past marriage and my desire for kids. From the day we split I was very grateful to not have kids with her. No doubt I am so glad for that today. On wishing she had been able to be committed, yes, at the time I would have wanted that. From where I sit now, no way, I was saved from a life of misery. I have a true partner now, demonstrated by the stress we endured together at this point, so I know better and consider myself very fortunate.
This trauma you experienced with your newborn in the hospital...did you have similar feelings as to when you "lost" your 1st M? Could this maybe explain what you were experiencing?
Reading your entire message, first of all, I am so sorry for your experience with betrayals in more than one marriage...I am so sad for you! Nobody should have to deal with betrayal like that, much less MORE THAN ONCE? I told my exww nobody should have to be in this kind of pain, and that I didn't wish it on her or her AP. To answer your questions, no, my feelings in the first "loss" in M was different. She had been so cruel, I didn't have a cliff hanger feeling at all. I had a feeling of loss, but no desire or ongoing suspense and concern for the future like with my premature infant baby.
CamomileTea, per your recommendation, I will read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I for sure was abandoned by my exww, but as I said, she was so cruel for the last half of those short 11 months we were "married" (3 years dating prior) that my biggest hesitation to D at the end was the humiliation I inflated in my head. Of course, it was humiliating being such a short "marriage" but it wasn't as bad as I imagined. Well worth it, a few quotes from her in no specific order:
1) "I married you for financial reasons"
2) "I never actually loved you"
3) "I never actually wanted to be married to you, I wanted to marry my high school boyfriend"
4) "I never wanted to be married to an introvert"
5) "I asked (OM) how he felt being with someone with a (since DD "discovered") mental disorder, he was so kind, you'd really like him, he's a good guy"
6) "Your brother and father are worthless"
7) "Why do you care if we carry CC debt, most people carry $10k"
8) "(OM) has friends who will (physically) hurt you"
9) "I could cheat on you and you'd never know. (me): yeah, you could, but if it continued I am sure I would eventually find out by you telling me (cognitive dissonance or you want to leave me for him), or I'd find out on my own. (her): (silence)"
I could continue with this list, but why bother. That is a decent sampling.
In one conversation she actually told me she that was a "bitch." Not an I'm sorry, but it was her saying sorry for being nasty. I was being kind and trying to help figure out a resolution. I guess she summoned the inability to lie to herself about it for a brief minute. More likely she wanted something from me. I said almost nothing disparaging to her the entire time we were together. I see myself as a builder, not a destroyer.
Anyway, I am sorry for the fractured thoughts above. I am happy to have challenging comments back at me, this community is good at that and it is valuable to me.