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Newest Member: Tortex

Reconciliation :
Permanent losses

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OneInTheSame ( member #49854) posted at 7:41 AM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

#1 I lost my health. And my wife knows that the A and aftermath unwilling to tell the truth, and years of defensiveness and avoiding the subject) was more stress than I could handle. The damage is permanent: even my doctors acknowledge it.

#2 I lost my ability to trust. She may never break another vow or promise, but this one can’t be repaired.

#3 I lost my joy and enthusiasm for life. The old "go-getter" is gone. Now I am more guarded and afraid than I ever was before.

#4 I lost my admiration for her. She broke that pride I had for her when she showed me she could do what she did.

#5 I lost what she at the time called "the most important thing I’ve been part of" about our wedding day. Now I almost dread our upcoming anniversary (8 years) because she so destroyed our very first wedding anniversary by spending the day before and the day after it with her ex-girlfriend, at one of their old haunts, sharing their old foods. I will never recover from this. It hurts like hell to think of me, sitting at home thinking how great we made it a year … and she’s out spending time, money, and attention on that bitch.

We had weathered some pretty significant storms in the 15 years we were together before our official wedding. Major personal growth. All in question because she became a coward and a cheat to escape dealing with more challenges. Left me to deal with them.

I guess you can tell it’s a difficult year for me. Seven years ago I believed we were united, fighting side-by-side to keep our life moving forward during a challenging time — and for six months she was escaping to play pretend that she had no responsibilities.

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2512   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8738606
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Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 10:00 PM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

I lost the "precious us". I lost the ability to be truly content in my marriage.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 709   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8738668
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 3:37 AM on Friday, July 1st, 2022

Betrayal is very very hard to come back from. I am working on 17 years of trying to heal from two husbands who betrayed me horribly. I also have health issues that are worsening and I have no idea if I will ever find real love again. I see a counselor to help with my ability to trust again, because that has affected all areas of my life. And to help me walk through some of the health issues I face.

posts: 299   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8742828
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jailedmind ( member #74958) posted at 11:17 AM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

28 years we have been married . 8 years ago she had an affair.
Trust is lost. You trust but you don’t . When you get there you will understand that sentence. I’m not climbing that hill is another thing . I simply don’t fight unless I have to. Let people learn the hard or thier own way. I told my wife for years she was playing with fire and going to get burned. You grieve your innocence. Then the lie you were brought up with about marriage. My wife’s parents were married till her father passed away. Her mom never remarried, my parents until my mom passed away. My dad hasn’t remarried. I thought that was going to be me.I don’t anymore. The thought that a promise is a promise is gone.And then what the AP showed me about a segment of humanity. They don’t care about you, your family or even the person they are having an affair with. They care only about getting thier rocks off. I also miss that specialness i had for my wife. It simply isn’t there. it’s more of I love you but you sure fucked up and I might not mention it anymore but it’s always in the back of my mind. It pops in your head during conversations but you don’t say anything. You get reminded of it by something they say or do but it’s been so long you neither react or say anything. Like having broke a bone years ago and you feel it during a weather change. You remember it was really painful but you don’t suffer like you did. It’s not all bad though. I know I can live without her. I have no fear of her leaving. And if she had another I am confident of my resilience. I know my worth.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2020
id 8743212
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66charger ( member #69471) posted at 6:06 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

I lost more children. I had everything planned out. Career. Finances, When/where we would live, A minimum of 3 children. Sunsets on the beach. Watching the struggles and triumphs of the little lives. I dreamed of everything. So much promise. Then the world crashed.

I have since recovered the dream with another, however the love and life of many children has passed me by.

[This message edited by 66charger at 6:21 PM, Sunday, July 3rd]

posts: 322   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2019
id 8743246
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Beagle ( member #79560) posted at 9:31 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

So much of my identity was wrapped up in my relationship with my now ex ww serial cheater. I gave it 6 months to come to a decision and I chose to divorce. What was lost was all that I thought was special about us. Part of me feels like I lost my innocence. Cheaters are selfish and most have deep rooted character issues that most will never really address. I’m slowly healing and trying to be the best version of myself. It’s still so hard.

Beagle

posts: 75   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: United States
id 8743269
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:16 PM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

I no longer believe in marriage.

Thanks to all the cheaters I met - but mainly b/c my H turned into one.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12289   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8743306
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:52 PM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

The1stWife:

I have the same question as MorningGlory. In what ways do you consider yourself "happily reconciled," given that you no longer trust him to "have your back" (even if he doesn't outright betray you) and don't believe in marriage?

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 838   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8743553
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:51 PM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

I accept him for who he is. He’s very good to me — but there are times he just won’t stand up in a situation for me. He avoids confrontations.

Also I have gotten to a place in life where I am good with him or without him. I would be sad if I was widowed or divorced, but I would not be devastated (I don’t think).

So yes I am happily married. Yes I am happy with my life.

But he’s not the end all of my life - that shipped sailed long ago when he planned to D me for the OW. But I could wake up one day and decide I no longer want to be married. Just b/c I want to be single. Not tied down.

I think you get my point.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12289   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8743557
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:55 PM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

In what ways do you consider yourself "happily reconciled," given that you no longer trust him to "have your back" (even if he doesn't outright betray you) and don't believe in marriage?

I’m not answering for The1stWife, but I can so relate to it. We are doing well in R, I’m happy we have done the work and consider us 90% there. However, I have a very negative attitude towards M, I hear of an engagement and feel sorry for them, I believe one of them will cheat. That stems from my loss of trust. I don’t think my W is going to cheat again, but I can’t rule it out because I’m aware of what’s she capable of. I’m working hard in R with her because I gave her that gift and she has, so far, proven worthy.

I can say without hesitation I would never marry again.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1629   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8743558
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:36 PM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

I can say without hesitation I would never marry again.

I agree 100% Tanner.

I deal in reality. I don’t pretend my H is Prince Charming and I don’t believe he will cheat again.

However I also don’t leave myself open to being vulnerable again either. I always have a plan.

I do love him and I do treat him well. Just as I did before he decided to have a mid life crisis affair. The difference is I have a different slant in things now and I don’t hide in fear.

Just like dday1 9 years ago, if I am suspicious I will ask the question. Surprisingly he was honest and admitted he was out with the OW that night. I thought "at least he was honest and I have something to work with".

Nah, he was the typical garden variety midlife crisis cheater.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:24 PM, Thursday, July 7th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12289   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8743598
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ZetaCephei ( member #79378) posted at 10:43 AM on Friday, July 8th, 2022

I lost the feeling of being special to him. I know he loves me, but now I feel like just one of many and replaceable. I don't believe in "true love conquers all" any more, or in soulmates. I thought I lived a fairy tale once, now I don't even believe fairytales exist any more. I lost the trust, not just in him, but trust in people in general. Like Tanner and The1stWife, I would never marry again. If we don't work out, I don't even think I would want to be in a relationship again. Why risk being hurt again? And when I see happy couples I too think, someone will cheat sooner or later.

And I lost dancing. I used to love to dance with my WH. I am not very good at it, but I loved it anyway. 10 years ago, for our 10th wedding anniversary we took one day and night just for ourselves and among other things we went dancing. And he wanted to change somenthing in the way we danced. It was hard for me, not being exactly a great dancer, he insisted, I resisted and I ended up feeling a little meh, not knowing what this was all about. After Dday I learned he used to dance wit her a lot and apparently, how she danced suited him better in those days. Also, I found out they first had sex just days after that anniversary. So dancing is ruined for me now. I loved it so much, but now I don't know if I will ever be able to dance with him again.

Me: BW, 46 -- Him: WH, 46 -- 9 years + 5 years LTAs simultaneously + 4 ONS -- Dday1: July 2021 -- Dday2: September 2021 -- Just living from day to day, not capable for any major decision at the moment

posts: 60   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2021   ·   location: Europe
id 8743775
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Hannah47 ( new member #80116) posted at 7:06 PM on Friday, July 8th, 2022

So dancing is ruined for me now.

@ZetaCephei
I'm sorry but this is unacceptable. Dancing is too awesome and too important to be ruined by a shithead and his shitress. You don’t have to dance with him – grab a friend, a family member or go alone, get some nice dress and comfortable shoes, and dance your troubles away! Dance first, think later! And what is this crap about not being very good at dancing?! Honey, you dance with your heart and your feet will follow! Maybe you just didn’t have a good dancing partner? You say how she danced suited him better. Well, from my perspective, how he danced didn’t suit YOU well. Please, don’t give up on dancing, life is too short not to dance!

posts: 39   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8743914
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ZetaCephei ( member #79378) posted at 11:02 PM on Friday, July 8th, 2022

Hannah47, thank you. You made me smile and it is worth a lot these days. And you are right, I shouldn't let my WH and his behaviour ruin dancing or anything else for me. I have already decided that I will not let his affairs ruin some of my favourite songs, which were so painful to listen after Dday. In the last months I stopped changing the station when they come up and I put them back on my playlists, even if it makes me cry. I will not let him and the stupid AP take them away. I will try to do the same with dancing.

Me: BW, 46 -- Him: WH, 46 -- 9 years + 5 years LTAs simultaneously + 4 ONS -- Dday1: July 2021 -- Dday2: September 2021 -- Just living from day to day, not capable for any major decision at the moment

posts: 60   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2021   ·   location: Europe
id 8743951
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