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Small psa from one of the gals, gays, and theys

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 cheatingwho (original poster member #37407) posted at 10:22 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Your pain is valid, your pain doesn't get you a free pass to be racist, ableist, homophobic, transphobic, classist, sexist, etc.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709389
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 cheatingwho (original poster member #37407) posted at 10:55 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Also please take a moment to check someone's gender in their bio, misgendering someone isn't a pleasant experience for them to have to deal with!

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709398
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:00 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Can I ask something?

I always make an effort to use preferred pronouns. But I have always gotten a bit flummoxed on they/them.

I get when I'm talking about them how to use it, but if I'm talking to you, how does it work? I have always had trouble figuring out how to properly address they/them and it would be awesome if I could get some pointers!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3445   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8709428
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:04 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Thank you for the reminder. I sometimes get a bit complacent as well, so it is appreciated.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8709430
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IHatePickingName ( member #70740) posted at 2:27 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Can I ask something?

I always make an effort to use preferred pronouns. But I have always gotten a bit flummoxed on they/them.

I get when I'm talking about them how to use it, but if I'm talking to you, how does it work? I have always had trouble figuring out how to properly address they/them and it would be awesome if I could get some pointers!

I hope its ok if I answer. You use singular they in exactly the same way grammatically that you use plural they.

For example, in speaking to you, I would say, "I am glad Cheatingwho started this thread because I agree with them that this is an important topic. I also believe that educating you on how to use their pronouns is important so you can properly adress them in the future. I hope people are receptive to their message". Etc.

Whereas, if I were speaking directly to cheatingwho, I would use second person pronouns, which are "you", for example, "thank you cheatingwho for starting this thread. This is an important topic amd I agree with you that it is important people do not use their own pain to ever justify or excuse racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, or other forms of discrimination and hate speech".

Asking questions is a great way to learn.


(I use she/they pronouns, which adds an extra layer of confusion for anyone who doesnt just default to she all the time for me, which admittedly most cis people do.)

BW/WW Me
WH/BH DoingThingsWrong
DDay March 2019
Reconciling

posts: 238   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2019
id 8709433
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:38 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Thanks IHPN, that does help. I've googled articles that didn't explain proper they/them usage half as well as you just did!

So how does she/they work then? Sorry I've generally only seen they/them or she/her, so not sure how the combo works.

And thank you cheatingwho for starting this thread. I always appreciate learning how I can be a better ally for LGBTQIA+ folks!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3445   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8709435
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total idiot ( member #19380) posted at 4:43 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I’m not cysgendered. I’m a heterosexual woman. How is this suddenly a problem? Just asking.

I hate this.

posts: 398   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2008
id 8709450
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 cheatingwho (original poster member #37407) posted at 4:52 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I’m not cysgendered. I’m a heterosexual woman. How is this suddenly a problem? Just asking.


So you are a Transwoman?

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709452
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total idiot ( member #19380) posted at 5:05 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I was born female with all the female parts. And I’m heterosexual. Why are people now insisting on calling me "cis"? It’s not my adjective. Lol

I hate this.

posts: 398   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2008
id 8709455
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 cheatingwho (original poster member #37407) posted at 5:07 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Cis just is to denote that you aren't Trans.
Trans means change and Cis means same, that's all.

The reason for it is because Trans women are women, so saying you are a woman isn't clear. Saying you were assigned female at birth or AFAB is also another way to say it. So you can say AFAB woman.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709456
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total idiot ( member #19380) posted at 5:43 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Or I can just say I’m a woman. Nobody needs to know anything more as far as I’m concerned. Thanks for the psa but it’s not relevant to everyone.

I hate this.

posts: 398   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2008
id 8709462
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 cheatingwho (original poster member #37407) posted at 5:45 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Or I can just say I’m a woman. Nobody needs to know anything more as far as I’m concerned. Thanks for the psa but it’s not relevant to everyone.

You are allowed to say that and Transpeople are allowed to clarify that you are Cis.

Question would you call a person who was born a man but identified as a woman, also just A woman? Or would you clarify?

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709463
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total idiot ( member #19380) posted at 5:59 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

If you are allowed to clarify that I'm "cis" then I should be *allowed* to state that you are (as trans) a man who changed into a woman, or vice versa. No? It's all words and perspective. If my "adjective" is "cis" in your vocab then your pronoun is not "they/them" in mine. It's not what I want to be called, it's not what you want to be called. See?

[This message edited by total idiot at 6:03 AM, Thursday, January 13th]

I hate this.

posts: 398   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2008
id 8709466
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 cheatingwho (original poster member #37407) posted at 6:01 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

They aren't a man who has changed into a woman. They are a woman with a penis.

What you are saying is Othering Trans people and it's Transphobic.

My pronouns are they/the, you don't get to decide that for me and it's offensive for you to tell me that it's not what I am.

[This message edited by cheatingwho at 6:02 AM, Thursday, January 13th]

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709468
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total idiot ( member #19380) posted at 6:07 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

My "adjective" is heterosexual (if I even need one), not "cis." It's offensive to me to be called "cis." Touche.

I hate this.

posts: 398   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2008
id 8709469
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 cheatingwho (original poster member #37407) posted at 6:10 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Sexual orientation is not and should not be compared to gender or gender presentation. Being called "same" isn't offensive. Calling a woman a man is offensive! Using she/her or even he/him for me is offensive.
Also calling me heterosexual would be offensive too, but we aren't talking about sexual orientation.

[This message edited by cheatingwho at 6:10 AM, Thursday, January 13th]

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709470
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 cheatingwho (original poster member #37407) posted at 6:11 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

The difference is you being called the "same" gender as you were born is VERY VERY unlikely to make you unalive yourself. The opposite doesn't hold true

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709471
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total idiot ( member #19380) posted at 6:19 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

You know I honestly don’t care what labels you or anyone assign to yourselves. I’m just saying don’t assign one to me. I’ll call you they if that’s what you need. I’d prefer to be she or her. And I seriously don’t know where the idea of "cis" came from. Was there a contingent of non-non- binary, straight people asking to be defined in a new way? I don’t think so.

I hate this.

posts: 398   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2008
id 8709472
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 cheatingwho (original poster member #37407) posted at 6:21 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Cis and trans for that matter both come from chemistry. One means to be on the same side, the other means to change.

Also you can't be non-binary and straight, because you aren't a man or a woman, so any relationship you are in is with someone who isn't the opposite gender as you. Thusly me calling myself Queer

[This message edited by cheatingwho at 6:22 AM, Thursday, January 13th]

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
------------------
1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709474
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 cheatingwho (original poster member #37407) posted at 6:38 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I really wish their was a MOD who was awake!

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709476
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