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Can people with borderline personality disorder become safe spouses?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Footinmouth (original poster member #56528) posted at 8:56 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

My wh thinks he may be bipolar to me fits much better as BPD. He cheated first after the death of a family member 5 years ago he also admitted randomly to buying a cam show at some point he couldn’t go through with, he texted an ex female coworker she looked good in a skirt he tried to just basically say hi to her a few times she was to busy uninterested in talking. Now after weeks of red flags I saw coming from OW even before anything happened and him feeling sick and unwell and very defensive for a cpl weeks he admitted to having an EA and a PA no sex or anything under the clothe with ow. He feels he has Bipolar and is seeking help I feel he has BPD becuase he really is never manic.

posts: 131   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2016
id 8709121
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:34 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

If HE wants to change he will.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11901   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8709135
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:57 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

The only person who can diagnose is a licensed mental health professional. Bipolar can be difficult to live with, but there are effective medications for it. BPD, on the other hand, is very challenging because it's not a mental illness that can be treated with pharmaceutical interventions. Your husband would need to find a psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in personality disorders and is very experienced with treatment strategies for BPD, which are primarily focused on behavior modification. Successfully managing bipolar or living with BPD requires commitment to the therapeutic process and a willingness to continue therapy indefinitely.

Neither bipolar or BPD cause someone to cheat; there are plenty of people with these conditions who are faithful to their partners. People with untreated bipolar might be more likely to cheat simply because they are more likely to engage in high-risk behavior generally. People with BPD have a reduced capacity for empathy and an inflated sense of entitlement, which can lead them to minimize or disregard the impact of their behavior on others.

As for your particular situation, I can say with near absolute certainty that your WH is only going to admit to the bare minimum of what he thinks you are able to prove. If he admits to randomly buying a cam show "he couldn't go through with", then he probably uses cam girls on at least a semi-regular basis. If he romantically pursued this OW and had the opportunity to be intimate with her, then you can safely assume that they had sex, because that's what adults do. He is insulting your intelligence if claims otherwise.

Based on the above, you really have nothing to work with until your husband stops lying. If you are willing to follow through on an ultimatum, tell him that you are giving him one chance to be completely honest about all of his infidelities, both online and in person, and that if you find out anything new (either from the past, present, or future), that you're filing for divorce. But again, don't make this threat unless you're willing to actually file.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 747   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8709147
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 Footinmouth (original poster member #56528) posted at 10:20 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I just want to be able to believe this is all over I can’t even feel anymore I don’t feel sad, or mad or anything just on edge. He’s terrified of being humiliated but I’m going to the Dr. With him and we are going to be honest to move forward.
I’ve been supportive of him and his feelings how awful and sick he was about it what trouble she could cause now because it happened at work and now he’s also using humour like " oh no this lady asked me to make the coffee at work today! Help me I’m just going to hide under my desk away from the whores" I laugh and play along because it hurts him when I don’t I said I can just move on but I dunno how.

posts: 131   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2016
id 8709159
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:24 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

You cope with a mental disorder. You don't fix it. He should be doing things to convince you that *cheating* will no longer be part of his coping mechanisms. Why? Because he has found other outlets/methods. He understands how much it hurts you. Even if he has the same thoughts and feelings, he will recognize them and make a different decision this time.

That said, it's definitely higher risk, but all safety is relative. None of it is absolute.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1916   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709160
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:17 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Borderlines are driven by anxiety. They are all over the place all the time BUT they cheat because they want to. Anxiety does not drive BPD into another’s arms.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3311   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8709188
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IceGold ( new member #79515) posted at 11:13 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

His joking about "hiding from whores" makes feel queasy to read. This is not a good sign. Infidelity and betrayal are very last things he should be making jokes about. It’s not just insensitive - it’s gross. He’s really telling you a LOT with this little joke.
1. He doesn’t respect women. Calling female coworkers "whores" is beyond gross. He sees women as objects.
2. He doesn’t take any of this seriously. Like - wtf? He thinks this whole situation is a joke.
3. His joke suggests he’s not to blame - other women are.
4. He gets "hurt" if you don’t laugh along? His joke was abusive and about your abuse. This is actually incredibly manipulative and a HUGE WAVING RED FLAG all on its own.

This behaviour is absolutely beyond the pale.

Me= BW married 18 years
Too many DD to want to list
Two wonderful kids that deserve better

posts: 13   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Carbon Based Planet
id 8709403
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 1:39 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

From what I've learned over the years on BPD -

Possible - yes
Probable - no

BPD or not - his behavior is abusive and that of a flaming horse's patoot. You are under no obligation to tolerate it.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3452   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8709500
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 3:47 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Neither bipolar or BPD cause someone to cheat; there are plenty of people with these conditions who are faithful to their partners.

This.

And while I think there may be some basics of what it means to be a "safe spouse" (e.g., honesty), each of us will have some differences and some nuances. Only you can decide what "safe" means for YOU. For instance, there are BS who have successfully R'd with WS who have made tremendous strides that may not include a lot of empathy, which works for them, while that doesn't really work for me post dday. And that's OK. We are different people with different needs. IME, it can be hard work for a BS to figure out what they NEED and what they WANT and then to parse out what their WS is able to provide on those fronts.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3792   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8709520
Topic is Sleeping.
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