Newest Member: AcesEights

Just Found Out :
She says "he's just a friend"

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 sadsquatch (original poster new member #79624) posted at 8:40 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

I knew something was off. I confronted her on 11/14 — she had changed her passwords, something we had previously shared, and had become very protective of her phone. I noticed that she quickly shut it off whenever I came into the room I noticed that she had downloaded Signal, which is a private messaging app. She had started taking longer coming home from work, claiming that deliveries where late or those she worked with were being slow. She all but stopped messaging me during the day, and when she did write, it was short things about dinner or other trivial items. She started going grocery shopping alone, needed some "her" time, this is something we used to do together. She has always gone running after work and on weekends, but now with it getting too dark and cold, her "running" on the weekends have turned into 3-4 hour events. She moved out onto the couch saying I moved around too much and she couldn't sleep. The couch then became the guest bedroom, that's when I finally confronted her.

She said that she was texting the OM because he had been open about his mental health issues — she has struggled with anxiety and depression for a while, but we had it under better control with counseling and medication. She even initially told me she was going to talk to him and because I knew him, he goes to our church and is our insurance guy, I foolishly thought that would be OK.

On 11/14, I asked her if she still loved me, and she said yes, but she "hasn't been happy for quite a while" and "it's been a difficult year" and she wasn't sure if she wanted to work on the marriage or not. I told her that I noticed that she hid her phone anytime I came into the room. That's when she told me who the OM was.

She said that they texted and met sometimes for lunch but he was "just a friend." She said it over and over as I asked questions about him. I got angry, and incredibly sad at the same time and told her that it ceased being "just friends" when she felt like she had to hide it from me. I asked if she talked about me to him, she said she did. I told her that her affair hurt almost as bad as if she had slept with him.

Over the next few days, I just could shake the feeling that there was more going on than she told me. It's difficult because she says she doesn't want to work on the marriage. I looked at phone records and they call each other first thing in the morning and during most lunches, then again as soon as she gets off work. The phone calls started on 10/10, so at least a month. She doesn't text him because they use Signal, and I don't have access to her phone, plus it deletes the messages as soon as you send them anyway.

I talked to her again on Saturday and she said that they only talk and hug. I don't believe her, maybe it's because of the lies and the broken trust, but I just feel like more is going on than she is telling me.

She's currently in the process of finding a new place to live. She was going to wait until January, but I told her last night that I wouldn't be her plan B and that if she was waiting to move out to spare my feelings to not worry about that. She put a deposit on a place today during her lunch hour. In Virginia we have to be separated for 6 months before we can divorce, as soon as she moves in that will start the separation time.

I've left messages with a couple of attorneys this week but because of the holiday they are slow getting back to me. I think I want to split amicably if possible but I also want to know how far she has taken it. I feel this need to know if it was just an EA or if it was a PA.

Does it really matter though? Do I push it where she doesn't want to work on our marriage or just let her go and move on with my life?

We've been married for 18 years and luckily have no children.

I just feel so lost right now, lightheaded and in a fog. I appreciate any advice.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2021   ·   location: Virginia
id 8700006
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:50 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you had to join us, but you will find a great deal of support here. The holiday will be a bit slow so just hang in there.

Your wife is more likely than not in a physical affair with this guy.

What type of church do you attend? I'd out him to the pastor like yesterday.

Please find a good counselor for yourself and lean on trusted family and friends.

Have you told anyone yet? Her family, your family, close friends?

Is this guy married or in a committed relationship?

Meet with your MD if you need medications to help you sleep or cope. Most of us here have relied on them temporarily.

Others will come along shortly but know you have been heard.

Get out of your house as often as you can, exercise, meet up with family and friends, anything to give you a short respite from all your thoughts.

Understand cheaters lie and lie and lie. Your wife is no exception. Don't believe one thing coming out of her mouth right now, and don't ever take the blame for her actions.

posts: 11290   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8700009
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 8:56 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join.

You will find that there are a few schools of thought here, but I have been around a long time, and one thing I know for sure is when a wife/woman decides she is done, and is ready to leave her home, it usually means she is done, and there isn't much of a chance of saving things.
Which is a real kick to the teeth for a spouse that seems like is a decent person, and been more than kind and fair through this.

So I always offer the same advice to newbies, because it is a HUGE trauma, and pretty overwhelming for a person to realize the one person that is supposed to have their back doesn't.

1. See an attorney - or three and get a good understanding of what your options are and how this will impact you. Find out if you are of any benefit to prove her adultery. Most states it doesn't matter, but if it does it may benefit you financially to prove it.

2. See your Dr. Let them know what's up. That you are stressed, and struggling. If you aren't sleeping or eating, share this. There are medications to help quiet the fight/flight response that the lizard brain jumps to in the early days of finding this shit out. Also get full STD testing. That means blood work, and physical exam. It is a very good idea if you are in your 40's or older to have a full physical as this level of stress can cause heart and other problems. Ask your provider about therapists that deal in trauma. You don't need infidelity, you need trauma. Her issue is infidelity.

3. Understand that nothing you did or did not do caused her to cheat. Understand that she is a broken person that is following the typical playbook of a cheater. She is rewriting your marital history to justify her lies and choices.
Understand that if her AP is also married his BW needs to be notified as well, because if she moves out, it will be full game on for them.
I also hate to break it to you, but they have most likely (like 1000%) done more than hug. They aren't 12. That's bullshit.

Keep reading and keep posting. It may be a little slow here over the next few days, but hang tight there are great people with great advice heading your way. In the meantime check out the healing library.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19020   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8700010
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Legend10 ( new member #79407) posted at 9:02 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

If you are splitting then you don’t need any more details. There is nothing in it for your WS to tell you the full story and you will never be able to believe what she’s telling you is the truth or not.

I tortured myself for weeks trying to get answers and details from my WS but it did me no good and only delayed my healing. Go no contact and concentrate on yourself.

These first couple of months will be tough, keep yourself busy, talk to friends and relatives and allow yourself to grieve. Believe that things will get better, even if it feels like it won’t.

posts: 42   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8700012
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 9:09 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

She is showing multiple almost bullet proof signs that she is having an affair. She is lost in a fantasy world that this guy is just so good for her. I would stress that you should expose the affair. Even if you decide to divorce, I would expose the OM at church and to his wife or family if he isn't married. Many people feel that its primarily your spouse that you should be focused on in infidelity but unless the OM thinks she is single then I believe he has assaulted your marriage and deserves as many consequences as you can deliver. Particularly a member of your church.

Your wife may then want to reconcile once her fantasy comes crashing down under the daylight of exposure. If she does, you can decide what you want.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8700016
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 sadsquatch (original poster new member #79624) posted at 9:14 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Thank you for the responses.

We go to a Christian church, I have an appointment with the pastor on Sunday.

I have not told anyone — I'm a very introverted person and it is difficult for me to open up to people. I haven't been in Virginia very long, so I don't have any friends here, but I will definitely be reaching out to my family.

The guy is married, but they are currently separated so I don't know how much she'll care. I've read a few of the posts here about it being important and I'm trying to find her email address or phone number to let her know anyway.

I am trying to get in touch with attorneys and will see about some meds for the anxiety/depression as well as an STD check.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2021   ·   location: Virginia
id 8700018
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 9:57 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

The guy is married, but they are currently separated so I don't know how much she'll care.


You know this for a fact? Or because they told you.
I would still let her know.
I would make sure that your wife isn't the reason for their split as well.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19020   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8700030
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 10:12 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

sadsquatch,

Sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves this type of treatment.

Consult a few attorneys ASAP to find out what the divorce may look like and whether proof of adultery will impact the terms. If you want/need definitive proof, consider hiring a PI to obtain that proof. Your attorney may have some recommendations as to who they use or recommend.

Definitely inform the OBS, your pastor, and your respective families. Affairs thrive in the darkness. Shed some light and kill the excitement and thrill. Further, I would recommend you contact the OM's company and cancel your insurance. Explain that your insurance representative is having an affair with your wife and you no longer wish to do business with a firm that employs people of such low character. Consider contacting his boss or even sending a letter to the CEO as well to explain why you're no longer doing business with them.

Take care of yourself by reaching out to friends and family and going to IC. Stay away from alcohol, eat healthy and exercise regularly to keep your mind clear.

Although it may seem counterintuitive, taking quick, decisive action is your strongest move and best chance to kill the affair. This assumes you are considering reconciliation. She may be too far gone at this point or lost in the affair fog, so make plans to get out of infidelity by filing for divorce. You can always pull back later if she comes to her senses AND you are interested in reconciling. You may find you have no interest given the betrayal and lies.

Good luck to you!

posts: 234   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8700033
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 10:58 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

I’m sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. You have received great advice so far. One of the biggest lies cheaters tell each other “we are separated”. Do believe anything right now. Inform the W and the Pastor. Take care of yourself Brother.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8700042
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 10:58 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Duplicate

[This message edited by Tanner at 9:00 AM, November 25th (Thursday)]

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8700043
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 11:15 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Cheating people lie. She’s cheating. Ergo, she’s lying.

People don’t abandon their spouse for "just a friend."

Her reality is distorted, rewritten to vilify you to justify her behavior. People MUST believe they are "good people" and "good people" don’t cheat on other "good people" or destroy "good relationships" so you must be moved out of the category of "good people" and your relationship recast to be not a "good relationship."

Let her go. It sucks, but she’s not a goldfish, if she wants to go, she’s gone.

Take this time to care for yourself. Eschew intoxicants. Sleep sufficiently. Seek counseling. Improve your fitness. Consult with an attorney. Make a plan for your life without her. Rely on this crowdsourced wisdom, but vet the poster carefully before taking their advice at face value. Do not act impulsively.

Good luck, we are here to get you out of infidelity, however that has to happen.

[This message edited by Wiseoldfool at 11:16 PM, Wednesday, November 24th]

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8700047
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leftbroken ( member #53741) posted at 12:02 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Any time they say " I need time to think" or "I'm not sure what I want" or one of the other 100 things they say so they can keep seeing the AP, the quickest way to give them a shake is to file. There is no better splash of cold water then seeing a divorce petition with your name on it.

our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.

posts: 122   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Calgary, AB
id 8700055
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:10 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Sorry for you are here.

You have listed all the answers to the question "How do we know when someone is cheating"?

Most likely, their affaire is also physical. It's not so important at this stage, she's obviously in an exit affaire and has no intention of making the slightest effort to save your marriage.
This may change depending on future events, but I wouldn't recommend R to you either. You see who she is now, don't forget if she changes her demeanor later.

She was going to wait until January, but I told her last night that I wouldn't be her plan B and that if she was waiting to move out to spare my feelings to not worry about that.

Very good move. Even if you don't like it, accepting the situation as it is and moving on with your own life is a very mature behavior at this stage. Don't let her emotionally and financially exploit you.

Cut off contact with her completely after the separation. Block her on social media and unfollow her too. Don't let her share anything with you other than texting about divorce and financial matters. Separate and divorce friendly, but don't be friends. Staying friends both relieves her conscience and makes her appear as if there is no problem between you. Don't hesitate to tell the people that she cheated on you. The shame is hers and her AP's, you don't have to hide it.

Good luck.

posts: 563   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8700057
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 1:10 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Sounds like she is monkey branching from you to this guy. let him have her and they can go be depressed together. I’m sure they will end up living happily ever after. *sarcasm*

Since you are divorcing no matter what, I would say assume the worst. Find that anger and use it to get through the D process. One upside to your situation, you are being spared the graphic details, and I promise you will be thankful for that one day.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I would suggest looking into betrayal trauma and finding all the resources you can on it. It’s a tough road, but you WILL get through this. Wishing you the very best!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 732   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8700071
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 1:58 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Hi sadsquatch, welcome, and I am very sorry to read your post. Your wife saying "he’s just a friend" is nearly as common as "he’s gay" or "he’s old, short, fat" whatever. In most cases it’s BS. From reading your posts it sounds as though you realize this. Kudos to you for telling her you won’t be plan B.

It’s really sad that she’s throwing away your 18 year relationship for a divorced guy she has been texting for 7 weeks.

If she has truly checked out of the marriage, I wouldn’t spend any effort on trying to verify if this is a PA. I think it’s a pretty safe bet that it is.

From what you have posted, you sound like you have a good plan in place. I would try to detach as much as possible from your wife. I would inform the other mans wife, she deserves to know even if they are separated.

At some point, she will likely try to be friendly with you in a sick way to absolve herself of the guilt. If you and her are "friends", it’s not so bad right?

posts: 726   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8700075
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 2:29 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

I agree with Jameson1977. If this is truly the end of the marriage, do not give your WW the gift of "friendship." I foolishly did that for my ex-WW and she ultimately threw it in my face decades later. Your friendship somehow validates in her mind that what she did wasn't so bad. She will use that as a means to make her not seem so horrible with family and friends. Do not give her anything. Eighteen years is a long time, but you have no kids. After the divorce is final and all financial entanglements are resolved, NC her forever. From this point forward your communications should be limited to the dissolution of the marriage and division of property. Don't give her anything more than that. No tearful goodbyes, no questions regarding her affair. Tell people she cheated and is probably with the OM. Leave it at that.

Focus on your life. Focus on moving on.

posts: 456   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8700078
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 2:46 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

^^^^this, %100

posts: 726   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8700081
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 7:53 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Whether or not your WW had physical relations with her AP or not, is not the base issue.

The base issue is that your WW devoted her energies away form the M, and put it into a third party, thereby giving her priorities to someone else, and not you.

By sleeping apart from you, your WW had signalled to you that she is not interested in you, and has invested herself in the AP instead.

The very fact that she had found an apartment so quickly, already tells you that she has made up her mind that she wants to be with her AP. She will probably tell you that he is not the reason why she is moving out, but it is because she 'needs space'.... she is telling you a partial truth. Yes, she 'needs space', but the reason is not to find herself, but to use the space to be with her AP.

If she really wanted to try and get a chance at R with you, she would have been on her knees begging you for a chance at R.

R is a gift from the BS to the WS. Mind you, a BS is not required to offer the gift, but a it is offered by the good graces of the BS, and if the gift is taken by the WS, it is also not a guarantee that the R will be successful. A successful R will need both parties invested in the R. If either party is not invested in the R, it will not succeed.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 908   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8700105
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 8:10 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Start separating your finances. Open accounts in a different bank under your name only and move half your money into them. Have your pay deposited there. Until you file any debt she incurs will be half yours, so start canceling any joint credit cards.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 391   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8700107
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sillyoldsod ( member #43649) posted at 9:27 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

So sorry you find yourself here. You've received some very insightful advice from others. Many BH's on here will testify that their wives checked out of a long and apparently happy marriage, whether it was them having a mid life 'transition', barf exit affair, or whatever you want to call it. It sucks really really badly but as we come to learn, that's life unfortunately!

Your wife has shown absolutely no desire whatsoever to work on herself or the marriage. She's living the life she wants to live and that clearly doesn't include wanting to remain in a monogamous marriage with you. This is absolutely no reflection on you sadsquatch. Whatever you did or didn't do in the marriage, she was the one who decided to open the marriage up behind your back.

She said that they texted and met sometimes for lunch but he was "just a friend." She said it over and over as I asked questions about him.

Maybe she'd do well to read the book 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass!

I hope you won't be impacted too deeply financially from what is probably likely to happen going forward.

Stay strong and best wishes.

[This message edited by sillyoldsod at 9:28 AM, Thursday, November 25th]

I've never met a sociopath I didn't like.

posts: 662   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 8700109
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