I don't know if you have done anything yet Gent, but I’m replying to your post because your timeline is very close to mine.
My WH’s LTA was with his ex-fiancee and lasted from 2001-2006, she lived a couple of hours away and was nothing to do with the rest of our lives. 13yrs later, he had another, shorter, affair with another ex. She lives in a different part of the country, also about 2hrs away. Dday was Sept 2020. Physical distance meant that the affairs could be kept secret as there was little likelihood to encounter anyone he knew. His "excuse" first time around was he was incredibly depressed and the second time that he felt a failure, he had failed me. I felt I was railroaded into selling our family home, was uprooted to another part of the country for 10mths before he realised this was never going to work and we came back. Unfortunately we bought a bit of a money pit 270yr old cottage that has cost over £100K in the four years to date. We live in a sort of in-house separation. So that’s my background in a nutshell.
The issue has always been that he doesn’t talk about how he is feeling. And yet he was willing to open up to these ex’s – to a degree. When it comes to affairs, people tend to say what they think the AP wants them to say. So he would do me down, tell complete untruths, and let them feel that they were the ones he could talk to. Affairs are about the AP holding up the mirror so the WS can see and preen and strut their stuff so the AP can melt in their presence and think how wonderful they are.
WH confessed and so things were different in that respect, but I also had children who were at important stages in education – two were about to go back to their final year at their respective colleges and the youngest was about to start high school. I did not want WH's crappy choices to affect the entire future of three of my four boys. They were the most important thing to me. And then, in the summer of 2007, DS#2 announced he was taking his graduate overdraft and going to Australia for a year. DS#1 came home for a while to save up and went off to join him. And things just drifted on. The three older boys went off to New Zealand and my youngest was bereft without his brothers. My Dad got seriously ill and died about 10mths later – I couldn’t cope with all that and divorce. But things seemed okay between WH and me. Until he got this bee in his bonnet about moving out of the big house and starting "afresh" somewhere new. So what I am saying is that it’s very easy to stay in limboland and I totally understand where you find yourself now.
Inevitably you have withdrawn over time due to your suspicions and mistrust of your wife. You still suspect and mistrust her. But you will never know what happened, not really. You can deduce, suspect, put two and two together and come up with four – or maybe five or eight or 263. They wrote to each other and you have copies, but again, you don’t actually know. You weren’t there. And that’s the crux of the matter. You don’t know.
I think it is only fair to your wife that you bring it out into the open. You don’t have to straight away and how you do it is up to you. But however you can see or want this to pan out, I think you owe at least the truth as to the reasons why. Life IS short and too short to stay unhappy because of unresolved issues and an inability or unwillingness to talk. And it won’t be just one conversation, so I would suggest that you find a very good counsellor or therapist to guide you through. Perhaps go with your wife to a couple counsellor or therapist and see what comes out. But if you do this, I wouldn’t discuss too much until you get there for the first session.
I’m very sorry that things have just faded away. Don’t leave things any longer. Be proactive in reclaiming your future back out from limbo. Keep us updated.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:52 PM, Friday, November 26th]