Newest Member: AcesEights

Reconciliation :
How do you get trust back?

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 Omnipicus (original poster new member #79316) posted at 9:19 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Reading a lot of happy R stories and they are beautiful but I’m wondering one major question:

How do you get trust back?

Understandably you won’t ever have the blind trust and faith in your spouse anymore but some level of trust can come back right?

The lies and deceit the waywardness produce during their affair totally ruin trust. So how do you move forward with your spouse without going nuts wondering if they are breaking your trust?

I’m sure this is especially tough for eastwards that had long term affairs.

We all know trust is the biggest piece to R and getting it back is questionable. Please give me your tips for those who R’d and feel they trust their fWS again.

Thanks

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2021
id 8695016
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:43 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

The only way to build it back up is to have them tell you what they are going to do, then prove they did it. Over and over and over. Bit by bit it comes back.

The other part is to do a full assessment of honesty. Was it limited to the A? Do they also hide spending? Lie about other things? Generally keep promises or flake out? Now is a good time to take that in and think about all the facets of trust. Are they fundamentally untrustworthy, or is it overall "out of character" for them to have an A?

If it is "out of character", I think that also helps because they aren't going to go around demolishing trust at every corner.

"What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal" by Gottman discusses rebuilding of trust a lot.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8695018
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still-living ( member #30434) posted at 9:56 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

I came to this conclusion after mulling it over for several years:

Learn to Trust the WS. Checking, following, spying, more energy, maintenance. No brainer stuff. Testing. Validating, Results can generate false positives. Your anxiety still flares and lingers. Degrades self-confidence. More Technologic. Temporary relief. Band aide. Assists you with surviving, but is not the way you want to live permanently.

Learn to Trust Yourself: Learn to see true changes in WS beliefs, understanding what motivates them. Is the WS self-controlling (a dry drunk) or is the WS actually living by a new set of beliefs? Can you see them slipping? Are red flags obvious now? Does the WS have increased self confidence. Increase your understanding of the WS's point of view, learning why the WS had an affair, and why having an affair likely doesn't apply anymore. This action is a long term fix.

posts: 1819   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2010
id 8695021
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 10:51 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

You don’t give it back, they win some level of trust back.

The first 3 years post dday consisted of continuously verifying everything. Location services on, surprise calls, FaceTime, 100% accountability and… a huge amount of meltdowns if I believed something wasn’t right.

But this isn’t the ONLY way to build trust. In fact in my case I believe that was just a way to manage my ptsd reactions to all the gaslighting. Trust was built when WH took initiative in R with actions such as disclosing AP sightings, coming forward with solutions to situations he knew would trigger me without me having to highlight my lack of trust and last by not least, his willingness to talk about the affair according to my need but not only that, sharing his own thoughts and feelings about it. Basically I truly felt he was willing to do everything to ensure I get peace of mind and he never expected my unearned trust, he still doesn’t.

As an example: he made his line manager aware of the affair and in the early days no call of mine went unanswered. His manager did everything to support us on our journey, including checking on how I was and encouraging him to work from home if/when needed. One night he had to work overtime and not only did he call to tell me that’s the case, he INSISTED his phone stays on FaceTime the whole time (I actually got bored and hanged up and he called me back).

Later on though it was all about his desire to constantly show me he lives in gratitude now, he’s aware of what he’s got and he isn’t willing to lose it. He still does. In fact even tonight, 4 years+ since dday, he open the conversation to tell me how stupid he feels remembering how he treated me and how grateful he is he is still in my life.

But ultimately… you’ll never trust your WS the same way again. You’ll always know what she is capable of. Therefore real trust is in yourself. Whilst your WS needs to earn your trust back, or at least a certain degree of it, you need to trust yourself in order to feel safe. I only started relaxing when I realised how strong I was (later on, once I picked myself up), once I realised my true value and I knew that there won’t be another chance and if he chooses to cheat again I’ll be fine. That’s where the real trust come from.

BW - 38 at the time of the A
WH - 45 at the time of the A
Dday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1412   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8695030
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 11:01 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Blind trust, as it turns out, was never a good idea.

Actions over words.

Action, after consistent action, after consistent action.

Trust is earned incrementally.

And, more important, I learned to trust ME again.

Before the A, I looked the other way, I hoped for the best, I ignored things because I didn’t want to know.

I know NOW what betrayal looks like. I know what manipulation feels like.

I also know, that if my wife somehow chooses to ditch this gift I’ve offered, this final chance, that I will be fine.

Ultimately, I think in my world, my wife betrayed her own standards and her own best interests. So, my wife learned to value herself, and that helped ‘us’ as a team.

I do have to have substantial trust with who I am with or why bother at all?

In year six, my wife still shows me why she is worth this chance, and why I can trust her enough to want to be around her.

Actions, not words.

Words tend to lose their meaning after infidelity.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 11:01 PM, Monday, October 25th]

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8695033
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 11:48 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Time and experience. It's going to take a long time, and consistent, trustworthy behavior from the WS given willingly.

The BS must recalibrate their gut, especially if the betrayal has been ongoing, like you said. The best way to do that is to make the decision to trust, but verify for a while. Like This0is0Fine said, "have them tell you what they are going to do, then prove they did it. Over and over and over."

Once you get past the initial trauma and the WS has demonstrated consistently that they're doing all that they can to help you to trust them again, it gets easier to truly adopt the attitude that you can't control what's going to happen (in life in general, too) and decide that you'd rather be happy in the moment and deal with any stuff that might arise IF it arises. There's peace and power in that.

And, more important, I learned to trust ME again...

I know NOW what betrayal looks like. I know what manipulation feels like.

This. My gut works really well now. I'm now known for having boundaries like a mofo and being straightforward, and that's because I worked those muscles hard in R.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 11:50 PM, Monday, October 25th]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 604   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8695041
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:45 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Blind trust is gone forever. I have learned to always trust my gut. It knew something was up in a matter of days and I ignored it due to blind trust.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8695076
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:59 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

The only person you should ever totally trust is yourself, and that is if you are healthy, and have your head on straight.
If you don't trust who you are, and that you will make the best choices for yourself then learning to trust others is even more difficult.

For me it took a long time, years, for me to have some semblance of trust of my spouse again, and even then it was doubtful and full of anxiety, until I learned to trust me, and that I knew I would be ok with just me. Then it was easy to let go of that feeling to need to trust. I called bullshit when I saw it, and agreement in the days of R was that we were never lying to each other again about anything. I needed raw uncensored truth. So even if I asked does this make my ass look big, if the answer was yes, he would say yes.

But as I healed my broken co-dependent heart I also learned to not give a flip about what others thought, and focused on making myself healthy, happy, and strong. And my H said it looks damn good on me, and is sexy as hell.

So here we are 13 years later, and if he says something doubtful, I still call him on it. He loves to embelish a story. He will back it down, and we laugh about his storytelling skills. But he has proven time and again, to the power of a million that he is honest about the important things. We are happy. It is enough.

I do not blindly trust anyone, not him, not my kids, not my parents, not my friends. It keeps me safe, and from getting heartbroken again, and I am happy to live this way. Because I am present and accepting.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19020   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8695111
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:20 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Your wife is still talking to her affair partner.

Your question is the equivalent of asking for tips on how to get to the peak of Mt Everest when you don’t even own a pair of boots.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 549   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8695112
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:12 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Your wife is still in contact with her AP.

She cannot be trusted, and honestly, if she was willing to do whatever it takes, she would have dumped him on D-Day and never looked back.

I am 16 years out, my WH threw OW under the bus on D-Day. Despite working for the same company, although coasts apart, there was no communication, ever. She sent him a "professional" email concerning a business issue, he cut her off at the pass telling her any questions she might have his admin could handle. The end, that was it.

posts: 11290   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8695118
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:58 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Your wife is still in contact with her AP.

Sorry I’m not familiar with your story but if she is in contact with AP you are not in R and not at the starting line for rebuilding trust.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8695135
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:39 AM on Friday, October 29th, 2021

I too missed "still in contact with AP".

Looking at your past thread on her being an addict, your therapist is garbage and is retraumatizing you and giving in to your wife's abusive behavior as a compulsion. That's just plain old bullshit. Sorry you are going through this.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8695517
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 Omnipicus (original poster new member #79316) posted at 12:13 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

My question was not related to my story but just a general inquiry but some of you guys don’t know what a love addict is.

She isn’t seeing AP and is tried cutting him off twice and it only worked short term. It made it worse.

I’m sure taking away all of the alcohol from an alcoholic and forcing them

to go cold turkey with no preparation for withdrawal is a great idea. Similar concept

She’s actually cutting him off today but had to go to a new counselor 2 weeks ago that deals with love addiction and was told she needed to be prepared for the withdrawal that would take place for long term success.

Hope it works

[This message edited by Omnipicus at 12:17 AM, Saturday, October 30th]

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2021
id 8695795
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 12:38 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

Not to thread jack, but... Funny how so many people quote [no politics]: "Trust, but verify" when dealing with their particular wayward. [no politics] was talking about the Soviet Union, an adversary, not an ally. He might not have said that about Canada. Just sayin.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:27 PM, Saturday, October 30th]

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1132   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8695798
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:16 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

Do you love your wife?

Does she feel your love?

That satisfies an addiction, no?

Does she need love from everyone? No. Not an addiction.

Just AP? That's called limerence around here. Not love addiction.

I'm very scared that you are going to let her externalize blame and not truly fix herself or make herself safe.

The next time she has an A: "sorry honey, I had a relapse, that's what addicts do."

You pick up and leave or just suck it up and deal?

That's your future.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:34 AM, Saturday, October 30th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8695813
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:12 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

To use your analogy, when someone is preparing to quit drinking alcohol, they go to rehab, they don’t take a few shots at the bar or sniff whiskey bottles. Also, any addiction counselor worth their salt will tell an alcoholic that they need to cut contact with their drinking buddies or anyone who helps facilitate their addiction.

Your on this thread question was not hypothetical. You are desperate to reconcile with your wife at any cost and you want to trust her again. You cannot trust someone who is in love with another man and still wants him in her life.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 549   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8695858
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