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Just Found Out :
Wife sending nudes to co-worker

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Organic2003 ( member #69811) posted at 7:04 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Dear (((Max)))

The crushing pain of infidelity and the mind movies you are experiencing ("pasted around" are normal and take time to fade, but never go away. You are in the prime of your life, soon you will move to a great new chapter, I know that is hard to see and to early to say.

I have always wondered why oral is less than PIV in some minds. Hell my WW always said "but I never gave them oral"!

Someone should have advised a recording device for you "talk" and if it was legal maybe that would somehow help in a D. You could ask for a timeline but your wife avoidance will probably make that a futile but heart wrenching attempt at honesty.

Do not assume she will give you an easy D, always hope for the best but plan for the worst spend the money on a great attorney it is worth it. So the question is would proving infidelity matter in your case.

I am truly sorry you have had to experience probably the worst pain of your life. Hold on it will get better.

Respectfully,

Organic2003

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 141   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8674447
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 7:45 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Regarding the space…the bedroom itself does not bother me per se, but just being at the home 40+ hours a week will be difficult. And being 100% alone with no conversation or distraction aside from a few work calls or meetings. Ugh

Looking for a new place with a real estate agent can you give you some power over feeling helpless or stuck.

Things will get interesting with your roommate once you file for divorce. A locked room for you might be a good idea.

posts: 360   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8674459
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 8:01 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Curious, why is the emotional stuff normal?

On your end, it's like desperate bargaining in an attempt to make things go back to normal.

From her, it's love-bombing. She's saying anything to keep you on the hook. Basic manipulation.

It's like a shock phase. But after reality settles in and all you're left with is the fact that the A actually happened, that's when the real shit starts.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8674467
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 8:28 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Don't fall into the trap of love bombs, unli-sex and other one-sided conditions from her. That's her next step and it is to be expected. Just continue on your 180 and stay away and stay out from her sight. Don't let her take the advantage.

posts: 388   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674470
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 8:53 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

I will be very upset if removing myself from that will impact me negatively.

No, you said you live in a no-fault state, that wouldn't have had any effect. Presumably your assets are split 50/50.

But you have destroyed a unique source of knowledge. You'll need to see the truth if she tries to push for R instead of D and and if she manages to build a bond, like in your last conversation, you're going to need something to remind you of the truth.

posts: 518   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8674471
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 10:58 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

But you have destroyed a unique source of knowledge. You'll need to see the truth if she tries to push for R instead of D and and if she manages to build a bond, like in your last conversation, you're going to need something to remind you of the truth.

Thank you for easing my mind.

I don’t see how I ever trust again at this point, but really don’t see how I’d ever trust her, again. So I’m not too worried on that. I suppose that again, you long timers would know better than me in general, but it seems unlikely. Based upon her personality she will move on and be gone. I know she was talking to OM last night for support. And when he feels she is used up that would be the only think I could think of when looking at her. And considering we know she is still lying today, I can’t trust her. Period.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 4:59 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674487
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 11:03 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Do you have access to her phone records? If you're the primary owner of your plan then you'll be able to access it.

posts: 388   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674488
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 11:07 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Do you have access to her phone records? If you're the primary owner of your plan then you'll be able to access it.

Yes. Until she moves plans. But why? I want to be done and it doesn’t matter.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674489
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 11:07 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Duplicate

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 5:07 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674490
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 11:26 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Duplicate again.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 5:26 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674493
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 11:26 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Wow this is hard. I open the back door and see the email she sent me about the yard being one of the reasons I should get this home. And her moving in. In the kitchen I picture her cooking us dinner. But it feels like the upside down world of stranger things. Twisted and wrong.

Seems like I really need to relocate.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674494
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 11:41 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Yes. Until she moves plans. But why? I want to be done and it doesn’t matter.

If you need to out her and OM then you at least need proof for the affair. I know you're in a no fault state but at least everyone needs to know the reason for the divorce. It usually happens that the waywards would put the blame on the betrayed and it happens a lot. At least if you have proof even if you don't use it in court, you'll have some evidence of what really happened.

You can also send whatever evidences you gathered to family, friends and even the OBS if she decides to divorce her multi-divorced husband.

posts: 388   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674498
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 11:41 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Relocation is a good idea. Sends your body and brain signals and science even shows it can be really good for you because you have to adjust to new surroundings.

Even noting her sister had sent indecent photos to someone too. How relatable!

I almost missed this. We have another betrayed husband here on SI who is dealing with a wife-sister infidelity combo. When infidelity “runs in the family” and sisters are backing each other up for their shitty life skills, then it makes it even more insurmountable.

The family tendency toward infidelity is almost the most glaring reason for you to get yourself clear and free from this woman as soon as possible.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:42 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4337   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8674497
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 11:54 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Even noting her sister had sent indecent photos to someone too. How relatable!

I had assumed this was a distraction tactic to minimize what she had done, while also keeping that activity as the focus...thus avoiding additional probing questions about the affair.

But it clearly could be true too. I know nothing other than hearsay so I will leave that alone but I fear for that husband too.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 5:55 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674505
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:15 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

It's okay if you can really stay that determined.

We just sometimes can see that people who are decicive about divorce are confused at some stage.

I had assumed this was a distraction tactic to minimize what she done, while also keeping that as the focus of what she had done. Thus avoiding any refocusing.

But it clearly could be true too. I know nothing so I will leave that alone but I fear for that husband too.

What you assumed is probably right, but that doesn't mean what she said isn't true.

They are probably covering and facilitating each other's affaires.

In this case, a new OBS has been added to the list of exposures.

Not that it's not right, but I'm looking at it from the standpoint that WSs have to face the consequences, more than OBSs deserve to know the truth.

posts: 518   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8674508
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 12:36 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

You should tell your brother in law. He deserves to know. It's very much your business bc your wife made it your business. You should also tell the OBS of your wife’s affair partner.

How would you feel if your BIL knew all about your wife cheating but decided to sit on that information?

Keeping this information is depriving people of their free will and actually puts you in an ethically dubious position. Honesty is the best.

The other betrayed husband here whose WW’s sister was also cheating told his BIL after some discussion here on SI. He felt much better after having done it.

Don't assist these two sisters with their infidelity. Exposure is the best approach even when divorcing. It isn't revenge just truth.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:39 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4337   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8674510
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:49 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Right now, the main focus is to get out of infidelity. It looks like the path that you are going to choose to do this is through divorce.

If that is your path, then as strongly as we feel that the other betrayed spouse needs to be informed, I would highly recommend that you wait until after the divorce is finalized. If your WW is being amicable at this point, I would continue this path. And with (1) no children, (2) a shorter term marriage, and (3) a no-fault state, hopefully this will be as 'painless' a process as possible. I know that this sounds demeaning of your marriage and your pain, but that is NOT the case. If anything, it will help speed up your recovery.

But after the dissolution of your marriage, I would have a package already made up and ready to send to the OBS. She deserves to know, and once you have protected yourself, you should do this immediately.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3830   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8674537
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:13 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Agree with above

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4337   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8674569
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BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 5:57 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Max

Thank you for the clarity. And yes but I stopped caring. She crossed a line I cannot forgive. So having hit the top of the shit pile I was looking for I knew it was over and stopped digging.

You have made your decision clear in a number of posts like the above. And YOU making the decision for yourself is exactly what is right for YOU.

Unfortunately, one of the few negatives of this forum is you are going to get continued advice on what to do that is totally irrelavant UNLESS you change your mind and want to reconcile.

If you have stopped digging because you want out you do not need to spend more energy or emotion of analysis of her mindset or what you need to do to move towards R.

My suggestion to you is to pay attention to those telling you how to successfully get rid of her and ignore the therapist chatter that has nothing to do with your stated goal and decision.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 478   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8674578
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66charger ( member #69471) posted at 6:29 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

The quickest way to remove triggers from the home is to start packing. Start moving anything you don't need and plan to keep to a temporary storage. If she doesn't want the couch, sell it. Make the house a vacant tomb. The house will become less of a memory for you and a stark reminder of the future for her.

Dont become a lifetime victum singing country songs about how your wife left and took the kids and the mule. Start erasing your life with your stbx. Today is a good day to start.

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2019
id 8674583
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