Newest Member: Notarunnerup

Divorce/Separation :

Topic is Sleeping.

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:42 PM on Sunday, January 3rd, 2021

Since I work in the “broken person” field I can assure you that some people never ask for forgiveness because they don’t care. Study sociopathy or malignant narcissism and you will find that they were born that way, or made that way. Expending one minute of your time trying to find forgiveness is a minute you can’t get back. Moving on, finding indifference, is what gives you closure. We are a revengeful species so we have laws to stop us. So far they aren’t working very well.

For your new year I wish you peace of mind and no looking in your review mirror.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2948   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8621679

gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 7:48 PM on Sunday, January 3rd, 2021

I really liked a book on forgiveness called "How can I forgive you" by Janis Spring (she also wrote "After the Affair", which I did NOT like at all). I found it really helpful in how I think about forgiveness.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3432   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8621728

Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 10:25 PM on Sunday, January 3rd, 2021

When my WH passed, I thought I had forgiven him. And I did truly for a couple of weeks but then his lies came out. More affairs and I quickly learned everything he had told me before he died was still I am nowhere near forgiving him. I did however forgive myself. I discovered that I truly played no part in his actions and that was a huge hurtle for me to cross.

He didn’t atone. He was never truthful and frankly doesn’t deserve my forgiveness...I am not ready yet and may never be ready. But forgiving myself was a blessing.

[This message edited by Throwaway999 at 5:16 AM, January 5th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8621768

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 11:10 AM on Tuesday, January 5th, 2021

I do believe the definition of forgiveness does vary from person to person. The one point that always comes to my mind is that it is often stated that forgiveness is for oneself. If that is the case, how come so many people who have transgressed beg for forgiveness? I'll assume that their definition may be different.

As to me forgiving my wife? I don't believe that it will ever happen. I do believe that she is a great candidate for forgiveness, and I would bet that many members here who were in my position would do so. Personally, I believe that my lack of forgiveness is my issue alone. I don't want to forgive. I am not a punitive person, and I don't hold anything over my wife's head, but if forgiveness is a personal choice, and I choose not to forgive, who is to say that I am wrong.....besides myself?

2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3830   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8622142
Topic is Sleeping.
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