Newest Member: zurichtime

Just Found Out :
How could he????

Topic is Sleeping.

 Brokenx (original poster new member #75447) posted at 4:08 AM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Hi new here, so I'll start from beginning my boyfriend and I have been together for 14 and half years. we just meet a few days before my 16th birthday I fell in love at first sight but the first month or 2 into the relationship I kissed another man (I was drunk at the time I had never drank before) I know its no excuse, then once I started going out with my friends to nightclubs around age 18 I kissed a few men on a couple of different "nights out" BTW I was so drunk again 🤦🏻‍♀️, the next time I seen my boyfriend a few days after I told him and it broke his heart I was sooo gutted and sorry for what I had done but we talked it out and he forgave me (or so I thought) he then told me 2weeks ago after 14 and half years together that he had kissed 5 different girls when he was at college, on a night out and 1 he worked with,he done this all within the first 3 years we where together one of the girls he had sex with and his reason being was he thought I would do it to him so if I ever told him I did he would be able to say well he done it🤦🏻‍♀️. BTW (back it 2008 he broke up with me for 2 months as he couldn't forgive me) we got back together after 2 months and started a fresh or so I thought it was a year after that 2009 he had sex with a girl all preplanned. After all these years and now have 2 daughters. He tells me this now and that he really broke up with me back then as the girl that he kissed from work he wanted to make ago of it with her(plus at the start of last December he went to see her and they kissed again him now 31) he has only admitted all this to me 2 weeks ago but wants us to be together as he loves me I said I would try as I love him but I don't know if I can forgive or trust him I feel so sad silly and betrayed but I want to move forward but I don't know if I can ever forget what he done 😭

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2020
id 8588061

squid ( member #57624) posted at 5:06 AM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

As gently as possible, I think the two of you need to sit down and have an honest conversation about what you think marriage is.

You both seem to have some unsettled marital business.

This does not excuse his cheating in any way. But there seem to be a lot of unresolved issues from before you were married and that have infected the marriage. From my own experience, if the relationship has shaky beginnings, the rest of the relationship will not be so solid.

He is behaving like a typical cheater. Blaming you for your prior cheating/promiscuity. Yes, you were young and drunk. Once could be seen as a mistake. But a second time is a pattern. That goes for him too. He reasons are shit.

You both need some individual counseling. No couples counseling for a while.

It sounds like he doesn't want to be married any more. Is he still in contact with the OW? How is he acting now? What is he doing to make you feel safe?

Contact an attorney immediately and find out what divorce would look like for you and your kids.

I'm very sorry you are here.

D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8588077

KatieKat ( member #16690) posted at 3:12 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

You have never married. Don’t. Get independent lives at last.

one of the lucky ones

posts: 272   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2007
id 8588157

DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 6:58 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

squid, I don't think they are married. 14 years as gf and bf.

posts: 1729   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8588253

 Brokenx (original poster new member #75447) posted at 8:13 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

We are not married but was engaged for Las t 8 years 😔

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2020
id 8589146

squid ( member #57624) posted at 8:27 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Ah. Sorry for the oversight.

Either way, there needs to be discussion about what a committed relationship should look like. One that is based on trust and honesty.

If you can't agree on it, then you should go your separate ways.

First things first, he needs to own up to what he did and not just expect you to get over it and move on. He needs to accept that his cheating will be the main focus in your relationship for quite some time. No rugsweeping.

He needs to dig deep and fix what is broken in his character. Do you think he can do that? Do you think he wants to change who he is?

D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8589149

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 9:22 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Broken, I think you should see an IC and ask yourself what you are really getting out of the relationship. Why did you not get married over the last 8 years? Why were neither of you planning the wedding you both have committed to? Is it in part due to cheating on both sides? Is your relationship too unstable in other ways for you to take the next step? These are all questions that you need to think about especially if you want to build a family soon. But even if you don't want kids, you don't need to be wasting some of the potentially best years of your life on a relationship that has ran its course or a partner that can't commit and give you what you need.

posts: 5014   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8589166

Dragonfly123 ( member #62802) posted at 7:52 AM on Saturday, September 19th, 2020

Broken, if I’m right you were both unfaithful several years ago, you were honest with him although repeated your behaviour and he wasn’t and had sex with one of these girls and recently (past year) visited her and kissed her. You now have children, you’re not married and he has recently admitted to all this and you’re struggling.

You also say he is sorry and wants to be with you.

What prompted his recent disclosure? Why did he suddenly tell you? Do you think you have the full story? Is he still in touch with this woman?

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.

posts: 1627   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2018
id 8589311

Zinc38 ( new member #75470) posted at 3:12 AM on Sunday, September 20th, 2020

Im a big believer once the trust is broken there is no more relationship. It seems lim2e its been broken many times

posts: 34   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2020
id 8589578

 Brokenx (original poster new member #75447) posted at 11:09 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

I have never wanted a big wedding with family and friends and neither has he so it was never a big deal to get married. His reason for telling me now was he felt guilty for what he done and knew things haven't been good between us for years and wanted to get everything out in the open so we could either part ways or try and work things out. He is not in contact with any of these women anymore and he told me every detailof what happened but I can't help but think he may not have told me everything 🤔, but I still feel so hurt as I thought he would never do anything like that I want to try work this out but I just can't stop thinking about it 😔

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2020
id 8590134
Topic is Sleeping.
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