Newest Member: Dazedandconfused1978

I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

default

HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 10:02 PM on Saturday, February 27th, 2021

You're all right, there are tons of people out there who have done unspeakable things and we would never know. Not sure exactly why he specifically bothered me, but it's totally unrealistic for me to be able to vet every person whose art I consume.

That is especially the case for one who has been in recovery before and has been taught how he's supposed to act to appear like a decent human being.

You're absolutely right about this. I think this applies to sex addicts as well though. I think back on the times when I felt we were doing SO much better, we had made so much progress on the compulsive masturbation front, or so I thought.

We had dozens of incredibly vulnerable conversations where I outlined the ways he was hurting me and asked him to stop, gave him examples of healthy communication he could use to help us move through it. I basically gave him a road map for what to do to prove to me that he was working on it, then he did all of that to appease me, then just learned to hide the other stuff better.

That's going to be my biggest hurdle in future relationships now, opening up and communicating, when it has been turned on me. I do truly believe that open, honest, vulnerable communication is the key to healthy relationships. I also believe that unhealthy people use your vulnerability to prey on/manipulate you.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 831   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8637894
default

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 5:24 PM on Monday, March 1st, 2021

That's going to be my biggest hurdle in future relationships now, opening up and communicating, when it has been turned on me. I do truly believe that open, honest, vulnerable communication is the key to healthy relationships. I also believe that unhealthy people use your vulnerability to prey on/manipulate you.

I also think they use their own vulnerability to manipulate us. My XH appeared to be vulnerable and exposing his inner world to me - I now believe it was a canned story designed to make me feel like he'd let me in and create a false bonding.

Sociopathic sorts like cluster bs and addicts are incredibly good at faking vulnerability. I have no idea how I'll sort through this with other people in the future.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1170   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8638243
default

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 9:24 PM on Monday, March 1st, 2021

Yep, I can relate to that well. I comfort myself with the fact that most people are not this screwed up and that the odds are in our favor that someone acting like a real person actually is a real person at that moment.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4556   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8638302
default

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 9:36 PM on Monday, March 1st, 2021

I comfort myself with the fact that most people are not this screwed up and that the odds are in our favor that someone acting like a real person actually is a real person at that moment.

Good reminder - I'm so paranoid at this point. I will say, at some point I noticed that my XH didn't really have the appropriate emotions when telling one of his tear-jerker stories. He'd make it like he'd never shared this with anyone and yet he was emotionless telling a story of being abused or abandoned or whatever it was. So, that was probably a clue.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1170   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8638307
default

NeverEnds ( new member #78411) posted at 6:23 PM on Tuesday, March 2nd, 2021

I’m new here. My husband is a sex addict, I’ve known since 2013. I’ve been in denial the last 5 years, though, because he went to SA meetings I thought he was in recovery.

My first clue should’ve been when I asked him what step he was on and his reply was, “we don’t really work steps at meetings.”

Anyway, D-Day (I think 20?) was 4 days ago. He admitted to only porn every day for months.

This time he says he’s serious, I have no idea but hope is gone.

He’s doing 90 meetings in 90 days (he says)

He has first appt with CSAT tomorrow

I went to my first SANON meeting 2 days ago.

I’m too exhausted to even vent about this. Only light I see is the SANON meetings - felt like I was at home and gave me hope for me,.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8638489
default

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:17 PM on Tuesday, March 2nd, 2021

(((NeverEnds))) I'm so sorry multiple D-Days and False R are killers for a M. I too am exhausted from it all, but I am separated and it has helped. There are others here who are trying to work it out with their SA. I wasn't cut out for it.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8638523
default

BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 3:04 AM on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2021

Neverends,

I have been attending zoom SA Lifeline meetings, which use the SA Anon book. I have tried some of the SA Anon meetings but they are by phone in my area, and I prefer the connection through the zoom meetings. Find what's right for you. The women in those meetings will be your lifeline and you will know you are not alone and that you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

There are good downloads for people early in discovery on the website of Dr. Jill Manning if you are looking for some immediate nuts and bolts support.

I'm about 8 months out and I can tell you it gets better. I've been seeing a betrayal trauma specialist, and just started attending her group. This week I had my first brainspotting session.

When this all went down, my trauma therapist made three immediate recommendations:

1) Go to 12 step meetings

2) set boundaries. (she recommended using Vicki Tidwell Palmer's book, Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts

3) Read TINSA: A Neurological Approach to the Treatment of Sex Addiction, which is short and an easy read and very informative.

Many people also recommended reading Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine. I found it somewhat helpful but only got about halfway through.

We are here for you if you need support.

Many of the women on this forum advocate divorce. I separated from my husband soon after DDay but am open to reconciliation. He has been doing good work so far. We need to get through full therapeutic disclosure and into MC, and we'll see what happens then.

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8638644
default

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 9:11 PM on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2021

I’m too exhausted to even vent about this. Only light I see is the SANON meetings - felt like I was at home and gave me hope for me.

This honestly is one of the biggest reasons why I advocate divorce or at least separation like BlackRaven is doing. It requires so much work to be partnered with a sex addict. Their disease becomes yours in a way because you have to worry about whether or not they're treating their disease for your own safety. For me, it's different from being with a drug addict or alcoholic. A sex addict relapsing can cause you to catch actual diseases from having sex with them, so it is harder to detach and let them work their program while you work your healing. The partner of an alcoholic might worry about their spouse drinking and losing a job. Spending all the money. Embarassing them. Driving while intoxicated. Same for partners of drug addicts. It is profoundly traumatic to be married to any kind of addict. Partners of sex addicts have to worry about what that bump on her crotch is (ingrown hair? herpes?) or get scared when donating blood that it might come back HIV+. She has to wonder if she should be using condoms with her husband. She has to worry about introducing him to other women in her family or to coworkers. She has to worry about him being arrested for visiting prostitutes. When someone uses "addict" in their reasons for cheating, you have someone who has compulsions to repeatedly do the thing that utterly wrecked you and puts you in danger and that is terrifying to me.

This is dealing with advanced-level R. It calls for a BS to use every possible vestige of strength to even get started on it. It calls for advanced-level R skills from someone who has likely been destroyed a few times already and often for years on end. It's too much to ask. It's too easy for the BS in this situation to lose herself and be unable to heal because she has to worry about her SA's committment to recovery for her own physical safety. I don't know how you heal without finding a safe place to do it, and home is not going to feel or be safe for a long while, if ever. I think a BW owes herself the space to not think about the SA for a while and concentrate on her own healing.

Others may disagree and that's perfectly okay.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 3:12 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4556   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8638836
default

dontsaylovely ( member #43688) posted at 10:55 PM on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2021

NeverEnds - I'm sorry for your current situation. In my experience the SA has to REALLY feel he will lose everything (you) before he authentically addresses his issues.

You mention you've had a few d-days but have always stayed. He may think you'll do the same again, get caught, apologize, go to meetings but essentially he still has his wife helping his life run. Something has to be different this time for him to understand you aren't taking it anymore.

My SAWH has been sober for 7 years now. But sober could be just white knuckling it or maybe there's minimal porn (which is too much for a SA) in private mode. I only monitor enough to keep me feeling safe and I'm done with watching everything 24/7. That's gut wrenching and if he's ever full on acting out again I will know, I will be gone and he won't be getting 50% of our assets.

I won't comment on the majority here advocate for divorce. To me that reads I should divorce and that wasn't/isn't best for me at that or this time. You do you, keep yourself safe and do what works for you and your circumstances. We understand and you are safe to vent here.

DDay: March 15, 2014

posts: 161   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8638855
default

BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 12:43 AM on Thursday, March 4th, 2021

I think a BW owes herself the space to not think about the SA for a while and concentrate on her own healing.

Neverends, I'm going to piggyback on something Dee said. As you'll learn in SA-Anon and also through doing the boundary work, the focus should ideally ALWAYS be on you; your recovery, your healing, your boundaries and your serenity.

That should be a goal whether you stay or go.

That's not selfishness. It's the airplane model with the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help others. (which is not to imply that you can 'help' the addict. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.) But you have to be healthy in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone, including an addict.

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8638879
default

Holeinthewall ( new member #77133) posted at 2:48 PM on Thursday, March 4th, 2021

Hi Neverends. I am sorry to hear of your situation. Know that we are all here for you.

My D-Day was 3 months ago and just these past few weeks I have been feeling a little stronger. I've set some boundaries but WH doesn't understand and thinks I am trying to control him. He is attending SA meetings but was unable to explain sobriety to me yesterday. After talking a bit more, he still blames me for part of his acting out. I told him if that is the case, we are going no where. Today it is time for me to reach out to get legal advice.

I have found groups to be very helpful, I have found a Betrayal Trauma group and a group for Betrayed Partners, both online. People are at all stages of recovery and share so much info from their experience. The comraderie with those going through the same thing is much needed and has given me the strength and courage to move forward.

I have found that these forums, chats, and groups that are specifically for Betrayed Spouses are a great place to feel validated, which isn't always the case with someone not familiar with these issues.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2021
id 8638969
default

TheWorldYouWant ( new member #78447) posted at 4:59 PM on Friday, March 5th, 2021

Hi. I've just told my adult kids that their dad is a sex addict and that's why I'm divorcing him. That was "fun." But I do feel very relieved. They have been devastated since I told them a couple days ago about the divorce, but didn't provide context. I don't think this will un-devastate them, but perhaps they will start to understand that the "happy family" was built on my husband's abuse of me, and will be able to process their grief.

I decided on Feb 19th to divorce my husband. That was one year after D-Day number infinity, when I came home to find my husband sitting in the living room with a prostitute.

For this past year we have tried "recovery," which consisted of me finding resources and making plans for him, while he "was trying." Not doing, just "trying." And "forgetting" to do all the recovery things he had promised to do.

Old story, right? You know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I thought last year hurt (and it DID) but wow this also REALLY HURTS.

I have so much I have to get done but I'm really not executive-functioning well. Trauma brain. But I'm the sole support of my family and have been for over 20 years (oh yeah there's financial abuse on top of emotional abuse). And I absolutely must get out of having any relationship with him at all, even a business relationship, as quickly as possible. I can't take this anymore.

Our youngest child is turning 18 in two months so at least there's not a lot of complication there.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8639394
default

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:45 PM on Friday, March 5th, 2021

(((TheWorldYouWant))) Welcome to this side of the forum. It is so painful to not only have to be re-traumatized by all the times you catch them, but also when it is time to end the abuse. None of this is easy. I feel like it is just one blow after another. I can relate because I too was the sole support of the family for 17 years. At one point I turned a blind eye because I was so scared to leave and the abuse continued, sexually and emotionally. Now that I have left my STBX is trying to blame me for tearing the family apart and this really messes with my head because if it wasn't for my resolve the family would have fallen apart years ago. It was me who had a hard time letting go of the concept of having an intact family.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8639404
default

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 5:50 PM on Friday, March 5th, 2021

The World you Want, Congratulations on finding the strength to end your marriage and tell your children the truth.

It's rough riding at first but you will recover yourself over time. The folks here are a wonderful source of support and wisdom.

Removing the source of your pain will make life easier ultimately. So sorry you find yourself here.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1170   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8639408
default

BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 6:16 PM on Friday, March 5th, 2021

TheWorld,

I have so much I have to get done but I'm really not executive-functioning well.

This is so hard. I started a wonderful antidepressant soon after DDay, and have learned a lot of grounding skills from my betrayal trauma therapist, all of which helps, but I still found I was a lot less productive than I would have liked.

I just started brainspotting and I have been surprisingly more functional since my first session. I only hope it lasts.

Good luck.

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8639414
default

TheWorldYouWant ( new member #78447) posted at 8:01 PM on Friday, March 5th, 2021

He just wrote me a long letter full of addict crap about how everything is my fault. Whooo-whee. It stinks. I told him to quit it. Then I told the kids he was writing me anguished letters about how it's all my fault, and if he tries to tell them that stuff too, then they should check it out with me. I am happy to take responsibility for my issues in the MARRIAGE; I will not take the blame for his active addiction behaviors.

Thank you all for the welcome. I hate that we all have to be here, but at least we are here together.

At one point I turned a blind eye because I was so scared to leave and the abuse continued, sexually and emotionally.

I did that too! But, uh, the prostitutes were a bit of a wake-up call. I hadn't identified his issue as actual sexual addiction until that point, I just thought he was the crappiest possible husband.

I just started brainspotting

I'm going to check this out, because, well, why not?

It's such a relief to be talking about things with you guys, with my kids, with my friends. I'm so done keeping his secrets so he can manage his image as just the nicest, most steady guy. Guess what, he is not steady at all, except for steadily abusing me!

posts: 4   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8639441
default

TheWorldYouWant ( new member #78447) posted at 9:15 PM on Friday, March 5th, 2021

I'm packing his stuff into boxes and bags. He is telling me he "needs time" to come get it. I say nope! I kicked you out, collect your crap! He always "needs time" and is "working on it." It's just a delay tactic, his passive-aggressive method (as always) of getting in the way of doing what I need to do.

He's a hoarder, so he has a LOT of crap. This is going to take me a while. But phew, it feels good to just stuff his things into containers.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8639464
default

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 9:58 PM on Friday, March 5th, 2021

He just wrote me a long letter full of addict crap about how everything is my fault.

This is a favorite - I've divorced mine and every few weeks I get a missive blaming me - it's ridiculous. Last one, he said he was prepared to forgive me if I apologized and changed.

He's a hoarder, so he has a LOT of crap. This is going to take me a while. But phew, it feels good to just stuff his things into containers.

Best feeling ever!!

I packed his crap up and let him know when it would be outside for him. I made sure to lock the gate and close the blinds so I wouldn't have to see him when he came for it. I still occasionally find something left behind. I take it to the goodwill or toss it.

The feeling of removing their toxic energy from your space is really, really helpful.

You're a warrior!

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1170   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8639483
default

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 10:12 PM on Friday, March 5th, 2021

He just wrote me a long letter full of addict crap about how everything is my fault.

Yeah, it's always the same shit. I didn't "fight for my marriage" with a prostitute-using crackhead. I didn't "need him like he needed me" *sob*. I was "that bitch" after I blocked him.

You're doing great. It's hard, but oh boy you have some good days ahead! Some serious relief and peace is in your future.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4556   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8639490
default

TheWorldYouWant ( new member #78447) posted at 11:25 PM on Friday, March 5th, 2021

I've divorced mine and every few weeks I get a missive blaming me - it's ridiculous. Last one, he said he was prepared to forgive me if I apologized and changed.

Maybe I'm not supposed to think that's funny, but I do think it's HILARIOUS If my STBXWH keeps sending me letters, I'll probably let him know that his letters are fair game for publishing to our kids or to my friends. The only thing that seems to work for getting him to leave me alone is the threat of exposure of his addict mind.

Yeah, it's always the same shit. I didn't "fight for my marriage" with a prostitute-using crackhead. I didn't "need him like he needed me" *sob*. I was "that bitch" after I blocked him.

How DARE you, how VERY DARE!

I haven't blocked him anywhere yet because I'm letting him enjoy the spectacle of me moving on with my life, post-haste. But I will probably do that in the future.

My kids and my friends are being so supportive. It's really helping so much. It's easy to think we're alone. We're not alone.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8639511
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20211022 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy