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Spouses with Same Gender APs

Topic is Sleeping.
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confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 7:00 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2017

I have told very few people.

On dday, all the kids were home. He was outside. I discovered his secret email account,by total accident. I read a few exchanges, enough that I knew exactly what was going on, and called out to my 16 year old daughter to take the kids to the park..now..right now..no questions..I will call you when it's ok to come home. And she did just that. Wh ended up picking them up,and taking them to his parents house for the afternoon. She later told me she knew immediately I had discovered he'd cheated on me. She said she could tell by the tone of my voice. She just knew. I was in shock. And I desperately needed someone else who knew him as well as I did, to be as surprised by what I found. So I told her. He is her stepfather. She was shocked. I so wish I hadn't told her. It wasn't fair. But I wasn't in my right mind.

I also told mom..on dday..for the same reason. I needed to know this was shocking. I also told my sister, because she's my best friend.

That's it,other than the people here on SI.

I trust the people who know the truth to not tell anyone. I don't want my children,his children,to ever find out.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:02 PM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10



..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 7804147
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HowIsThisReal ( member #50235) posted at 12:18 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2017

I trust the people who know the truth to not tell anyone. I don't want my children,his children,to ever find out.

Same here.

Me: BS | D-Day 1: 11/3/2015 | D-Day 2: 9/4/2019
Attempting R with a different approach, after 4 years of a tumultuous/turbulent attempt at it, ending in d-day 2. (Co-W kissed him, he kissed back).

posts: 860   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2015
id 7806831
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throwawayabay ( member #55912) posted at 7:37 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2017

I find it interesting that the majority of posters in this thread are BW.

Me: BH ~ 30y/o
Her: EX-WW ~30y/o
~5y marriage
0 children (thank God)

WW cheated with lesbian coworker early 2016
Divorced early 2018
Trying to go NC, but ex-ww reaches out trying to be friends (or something like that)

posts: 107   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2016   ·   location: CA
id 7807005
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HowIsThisReal ( member #50235) posted at 3:29 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2017

You wouldn't BELIEVE how many men are looking for sex with men on CL, most of them married and consider themselves straight (according to their ads).

It's some sort of underground epidemic of men looking for emotionless sex. It's horrible. I also wonder why it's more men than women. Most of the women on CL are fake.

I've been on there pain shopping VERY often, unfortunately I've learned more than I ever wished to.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 9:29 PM, March 13th (Monday)]

Me: BS | D-Day 1: 11/3/2015 | D-Day 2: 9/4/2019
Attempting R with a different approach, after 4 years of a tumultuous/turbulent attempt at it, ending in d-day 2. (Co-W kissed him, he kissed back).

posts: 860   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2015
id 7808332
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Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 3:36 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2017

(((Howisthisreal))))

The pain shopping is part of the journey.

At one time...I believe it was 6 months after dday I was looking for porn between males because I wanted to understand what was the difference between 2 men having sex and heterosexual sex.

My brain needed to understand and I regret that I was painshoping watching that

I thought I wasn't going to survive that! But I did!

In fact I'm very surprised that I am still here... Wow! How amazing that we can take this much pain, just wow!!

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7810018
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monika ( new member #53472) posted at 10:21 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2017

Lovingmyselfmore, I also did this, a few weeks after dday. Extremely painful.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2016   ·   location: Germany
id 7810147
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Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 10:57 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2017

it hurts like hell

((((Monika)))

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7810787
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Hurtandstuck ( member #56704) posted at 10:41 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2017

I have been absent for a while because things were good. My WH is doing the work, no doubt about it. TT has stopped, he regularly asks me how I'm doing and what he can do for me, answers all my questions, we take the intimacy really slow (that he struggles with, he's afraid of the flame dying without physical intimacy, but I'm working on relaxing a little more).

But MAN, why are mornings still so hard!!! There is something about waking up and having this "oh yeah, THAT'S my life" moment that is so soul crushing. I'm a lot more anxious about everything such as coming back from vacation and having to get back into a routine. I just feel like there is so little time to think: at work I'm working and then I commute and then home and dinner and some chores and by the time the weekend comes, I'm trying to catch upon all the things I wanted to do during the week while also doing things for ME (journalling, sulking in bed). And then you blink and it's Sunday night.

This rollercoaster is exhausting . I'm in that phase where I'm angry, not in a breaking dinnerware way but in a UUUUUUGHHHH way: at him for for essential putting this mountain of WORK in front of us to rebuild our relationship now, for making this part of my story, for me feeling like that every morning, sometimes for simply just being there.

Some days I wish I had the strength to pause everything or better/worse say "fuck it you're so young if now is not the time to leave then when" pack my bags (no kids) and go. But no it's not that easy because I still love him and can't really see myself without him.

One of the spots he would meetup is part of his everyday commute and there's no way around it but it pisses me off how such a trivial place (a bathroom) gets so much attention in our house. No we have to talk about "oh they renovated the bathroom", going in there to see how they redesigned the layout so no funny business can go on there, him having to tell me when he goes in and I want pictures to see for myself. It's ridiculous!

And I'm also angry at me for missing it all when it began or not having a strong enough reaction when I caught him on a forum a few years back. I didn't WANT to be the cool girl, I WAS the cool girl. I didn't give one fuck about porn, same-sex porn, masturbation, always a strong LGBTQ advocate and I feel like he took advantage of it. And now he took that careless, free spirit trusting person out of me forever. With or without him, like cmego said, I'll always now that there is always that tini tiny percentage that someone can fuck me over.

Me: BS late 20's
Him: WH 30's T: 6 years
DDay1 16 Aug 2016 - DDay2 18 Aug 2016 - DDay3 06 Jan 2017
multiple Anon CL hookups
In IC/MC since DDay1
*Edits for typos a lot :)*

posts: 63   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2017
id 7811747
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narrowmiss ( new member #57847) posted at 4:28 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2017

@throwawaya-

Hey, you aren't alone. Just found out that my wife cheated on me with AW. a "friend" no less.

I don't know if I have alot of anything else to add right now. I just found out. But it happens to others. I'm really glad you posted. It's reassured me that I'm not in some fucked up thing that never happens to anyone else.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2017
id 7812673
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HowIsThisReal ( member #50235) posted at 7:46 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2017

Lovingmyselfmore I did this as well. It was definitely pain shopping and it hurt a lot. I would unwillingly imagine FWH's face on one of the men.

Me: BS | D-Day 1: 11/3/2015 | D-Day 2: 9/4/2019
Attempting R with a different approach, after 4 years of a tumultuous/turbulent attempt at it, ending in d-day 2. (Co-W kissed him, he kissed back).

posts: 860   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2015
id 7813072
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cmego ( member #30346) posted at 12:50 AM on Tuesday, March 21st, 2017

Oh....I remember trolling through CL looking to see if one of those guys was my H. *shudder*

We only tried to R about 9 months, so I don't know when that need to "check up" really goes away. One of the few blissful things about D is that it is no longer your problem. THEN you have to learn how to trust another person...and that's hard too. But, you grow older and wiser and can talk yourself through those steps. You heal, and you move forward. Just takes that dreaded word: TIME.

me...BS, 46 years old.
Divorced

posts: 4745   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2010   ·   location: South
id 7814250
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Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 2:50 AM on Thursday, March 23rd, 2017

I would unwillingly imagine FWH's face on one of the men

Me too HITR

One of the few blissful things about D is that it is no longer your problem.

This is a huge relief Cmego. I absolutely feel a huge relief when I decided to end the relationship (we never married) because then his bi/homo-sexuality stopped being my problem. I didn't have to be trapped in the closet etc.

It absolutely was a relief to stop searching his computer and phone and check the websites he visited

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7816260
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Lovingmyselfmore ( member #46119) posted at 7:09 PM on Sunday, March 26th, 2017

Hi everyone,

Today I was thinking about all this ordeal and came to post a little update on how things are going and how I am doing.

How things are going:

I continued contact with my ex because we had a little business and we couldn't split it for a while, so I had to see him daily during 2.5 years after dday.

I have now a masters degree on narcissism! Read a lot of books, watched youtube videos etc. He is 100% narcissist and now I recognize all the tools, techniques etc.

This helped me to solve the mystery of why my mother is never happy, why she has patterns that are ridiculously accurate of rage. And why she never thanked me for anyhing, why she always blamed me and my father for all the bad things that happened to her (that she provoked).

I came to the conclusion that she is a narcissist too. And it was painful but liberating at the same time because now I am free from her drama and very detached.

I don't know what would have happen to me without all the knowledge on NPD. I would have thought I'm the crazy one (since my brother is a NPD too and all the family except me and my dad who comitted suicide-- now I know why: because of my NPD mother.)

So, infidelity was not 100% bad!! It put the pieces together for me to understand NPD and why I could never have a good relationship with my family.

But now I am alone. I never had kids with my ex (thank God) but I feel very lonely and the only family that I can count on is my cousin, his wife and my niece.

My ex has been sick and we finally parted ways with the business. But sometimes I still worry about him. He is not getting well and the situation is hard for his family who are paying all the medical expenses.

I should be feeling happy about this. This is karma. Why am I not happy?

After dday... Some days I wanted revenge so bad But I am not happy about his suffering.

My healing journey continues and I thank everyone in this journey for your support and for knowing that I am not alone and that you are here.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and ((((((hugs)))))))

If it takes 5 years to heal from this, I already made it halfway!

[This message edited by Lovingmyselfmore at 1:16 PM, March 26th (Sunday)]

dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42 EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!) together: 12 years
Dday to 3 months: suicidal 1 year after: huge depression- 1.5 years still kind of depressed-Took me 2.5 years to be kind of happy again

posts: 1076   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 7819423
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cmego ( member #30346) posted at 3:04 PM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2017

Just checking in...how is everyone??

me...BS, 46 years old.
Divorced

posts: 4745   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2010   ·   location: South
id 7821869
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Hurtandstuck ( member #56704) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2017

Thanks for checking in cmego.

We agreed that since a lot of his shame issues came from his FOO he will have to confront them by telling them the truth. Otherwise I feel like this shame will come out sideways another time and I’m not signing up for hiding more secrets. I’ve never lived with secrets and clearly he’s pretty used to it so he is absolutely terrified and keeps pushing it back.

Lately hearing him say “I’ll never cheat on you again” or anything that contains the word cheat is a MASSIVE trigger for me. All the details come back and it’s a sucker punch to the heart to know that all of it is true and happened. The disgust I feel for someone I love so much is an absolute mind fuck.

Me: BS late 20's
Him: WH 30's T: 6 years
DDay1 16 Aug 2016 - DDay2 18 Aug 2016 - DDay3 06 Jan 2017
multiple Anon CL hookups
In IC/MC since DDay1
*Edits for typos a lot :)*

posts: 63   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2017
id 7822046
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HowIsThisReal ( member #50235) posted at 1:40 PM on Friday, March 31st, 2017

We are actually doing pretty well in R right now. Not anything particular, things are just smooth sailing for the time being. I'm able to shake off most triggers, we are getting along well, etc.

He's still going to IC weekly.

My therapist left the practice so I haven't gone to IC since.

I have to give him credit in that he's helped get me here, to the point I can bring the walls down a little and not feel naive or negatively vulnerable.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 7:42 AM, March 31st (Friday)]

Me: BS | D-Day 1: 11/3/2015 | D-Day 2: 9/4/2019
Attempting R with a different approach, after 4 years of a tumultuous/turbulent attempt at it, ending in d-day 2. (Co-W kissed him, he kissed back).

posts: 860   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2015
id 7823865
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:41 PM on Friday, March 31st, 2017

I'm doing well in M. Going through some tough stuff with family.

How are you, cmego?

IIRC, for a while, you and I were the only people who posted on this thread....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26146   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 7824170
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Goalie ( member #57154) posted at 10:40 PM on Saturday, April 1st, 2017

BS only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:55 AM, April 3rd (Monday)]

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2017
id 7825076
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cmego ( member #30346) posted at 4:28 PM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2017

Are WS allowed to post in this forum? Goalie...have you directed your wife to come post on SI yet so SHE can have support on a forum like this?

Sisoon...my life is good, thanks for asking. My relationship with my EX has deteriorated beyond repair...mostly because the reasons that led him to cheat were never addressed.

The biggest problem now seems to be my dd's reaction to her father. She is fast approaching the legal age to pull away from her Dad, and I feel that it may happen. I support their relationship as much as I can, but he's...clueless. Just last night he was talking to her at his appointed time (because she refused to respond to him via text...so I had to set up a time that she has to speak to him) and they spoke for about 3 minutes. He ends with "I love you", she refuses to respond. So...he just says it louder and louder until she mumbles it back. Then she vents to me about how she hates feeling guilty around him (his way of controlling is via guilt or lies).

He is not dealing well that she is not comfortable with his sexuality. She's beginning to tell complete strangers that her Dad is gay and she thinks it is weird. While my son seems Ok with it. They have different personalities and EX just may have to deal that she isn't going to accept him.

It's not an easy position for any of us. While I feel that EX should be authentic and this is not a choice for him, if other people choose to not be around him because of his sexuality...that should be OK. So, I'm stuck in the position of forcing her to go to visitation although she doesn't want to be there. It sucks.

DD is on the autism spectrum, brilliant, and a black and white thinker, a rule follower, and rather blunt when she does express emotion or feeling. My personal belief is that she is so hurt by her Dad that she can't really process it. Yes, she's in therapy...but EX isn't good about showing up to sessions.

What's going on with you??

We agreed that since a lot of his shame issues came from his FOO he will have to confront them by telling them the truth. Otherwise I feel like this shame will come out sideways another time and I’m not signing up for hiding more secrets. I’ve never lived with secrets and clearly he’s pretty used to it so he is absolutely terrified and keeps pushing it back.

YES! I think this is a big problem for people who are programmed to lie. I think my ex believes he was pushed into the closet by FOO, but the flip side is that as an adult...you have choices. HIs FOO didn't push him to cheat...*he CHOSE to cheat*

I know I felt like I had to hold ex's secrets when we were in R...and I don't lie. So, it was a terrible problem. He didnt' want anyone to know anything except "We were having problems" or we divorced because "we weren't getting along." NOPE. R was extra hard because ex didn't want anyone to know, and I went along with that for awhile because I felt if we successfully R'd...then it wasn't anyone business. But, all that though process did was push the issues back into the closet. I wasn't going to sign up for round two either.

HITR:

I have to give him credit in that he's helped get me here, to the point I can bring the walls down a little and not feel naive or negatively vulnerable.

This all sounds great!

me...BS, 46 years old.
Divorced

posts: 4745   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2010   ·   location: South
id 7825517
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Goalie ( member #57154) posted at 5:22 PM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2017

BS only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:32 AM, April 3rd (Monday)]

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2017
id 7825566
Topic is Sleeping.
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