Spiritual battle as it really looks in my world....all took place in my mind. I use " " to delineate the thoughts in my mind and no quotes represent the counter thoughts I fought back with.
I will list the emotions the enemy uses to tempt us to sin\choose destructively.
Real world fact....discovered wife downloaded SnapChat. Triggered hard. Here is the battle, and it was not between me and my wife.
"See? She's f'ing you again. You just came back from a week away at a conference and she is up to no good. You're about to get bad hurt again."
No...I don't know that. This sucks that she did this, but it is a false assumption that she is up to no good. Certainly a mistake was made and her choice hurt me...I will invite her in to this experience BEFORE I make life altering choices.
"Why? She'll just get defensive, accuse you of NEVER going to trust her again. She'll say you are judging and condemning her. You really want THAT added to this mess? She'll leave you."
She may get defensive....and that will be HER choice. That will certainly point me closer to a fact that something is bad wrong but that has not yet happened. I'll need courage, God, to do this right.
"You do it right? Haven't you seen by now you can't help but hurt your wife?!? You are so f'ed up you'll never be able to love a woman correctly. Every time you engage your wife she turns further away....and I would too."
I've made some mistakes.....but I finally see that. I also understand that trying to be perfect, having back up plans for when the back up plans fail way of doing life has not served me well....goes against Gods will....and demonstrates areas my faith needs to grow. I see that was fear-based living......and I'm not doing that anymore. I'll still make mistakes but I will tap into the Spirit of God and choose in power, love and self-discipline.
PRIDE and LUST
"Yeah...you are a good man. (said sincerely) That cute waitress at the cafe would sooo appreciate what you would bring into her life. You should go have lunch there tomorrow."
K......I'm married and I love my wife. Thats not an option. In fact, I think now is a good time to visit with my wife.
AT THIS POINT I CALL MY WIFE.....the exchange doesn't go really well and credit that to the enemy working in her life. I was resisting him so it he moved to attack the other part of my M....my wife. Remember, he is dedicated on stealing and destroying JOY. That includes our hearts and he very much hates the family...and all the power and good that starts from within it.
My battle temporarily subsides.....believe it raged on in my wifes mind, but don't know that for sure. I DO know she choose some destructive actions after our phone call, but not adultery related.
That night I had a restless sleep.....again, a ploy of the enemy to wear me down. We were designed to rest...its part of how God made us. To miss it is to go against the way things work. The enemy knows this......
I was awakened by my wife early in the morning in a way any husband would like to be stirred. smile.
.....painful mind movies attempt to roll through my mind. Now I don't know if that is the enemy or if it is just a real-world result of what actually happened...... I was not able to get to completion.
GUILT and SHAME and DOUBT
.....sarcasm...."WEll done, dip-shit. You just hurt your wife again. REALLY think you are healing and changing? Then why did you just hurt your wife in the same way AGAIN!?"
Man....I'm sorry I hurt her as I did. I really wanted to just enjoy being intimate with my wife, to show her how attractive I find her. I was not fully able to do that. sigh (this is where I slipped a little....gave the enemy some ground.)
"Thats because you are the SAME. There ain't nothing "made new" about you or your deceitful heart. What do you know about real love, real intimacy anyway? You've been messed up since boyhood. You'll never be a man."
Well....thats a lie. Thanks for showing yourself to me! (then I did a roll-call on all the very real very noticed-by-others changes in me....then I invited God to come between me and satan in a very direct way. I also fully admitted how immature parts of me were and how God is helping Father me in ways I had never been, guiding me into the man he sees\had put in me)
I've seen my core shifts....I enjoy how my relationship with a few good men has deepened and as it has I have found new to me choices and courage to make those choices.
"So you aren't using porn anymore. Good for you. (sarcastically said) The real reason you didn't orgasm with your wife is......you're GAY!"
Really? We must be getting close to the end of this scrimmage as you are chucking some really "hail mary" stuff at me now. I guess we are done here, aren't we?
The enemy left.
The bible tells us we are in a battle, that we have an enemy fighting for the same thing God desires.....our hearts.
Guarding our hearts does not mean NOT using them.....it means to use them wisely.
This trial has given all of us wisdom.....which is why God allowed it into our lives. Don't pass on this opportunity to fight the good fight...and that starts with the very honest realization that we are, like the bible says, very much under attack.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:50 AM, July 1st (Friday)]