Hey PinkJeepLady! Been a long time.
When I discovered snap chat it hurt. Big time.....but the pain felt different. Fear was noticeably less present so was anger. What was present was profound sadness. A realization that I have not.....could not help my wife change. I know without a shred of doubt, guilt or shame that I expressed my raw naked feelings and that's it.
My wife chose to look for full time jobs with benefits and rental searches....without telling me of those actions either.
I had a convo with God FIRST. I have never heard from God as a "voice" but I did get a calming sense that left me with "okay Blake. She's intent on keeping you out. She feels choices that isolate her will get her the safety she desires. You and I both know the temptation that is and how utterly fruitless that venture is....but you gotta see that is what she chooses to believe."
Sad cause real intimacy with my wife won't take place until she chooses to invite me in AND removes the "gotta get by myself" habitual choice out of her tool box.
Sad cause this is not behavior I want my girls to "catch".
Still......I had anger and fear, but it no longer has me.
"God....any clarity on my next choice. I don't believe you want families to fracture....but this pattern is what took my wife to adultery. I know I will handle that discovery much better should it happen again.....but what do I do NOW?"
No voice.....lots of quietness.....my mind trying to go to work, my classic VW and tasks with it. I refocused and listened.
Went to my shop and went to work in my Dub.
"Why don't you offer to help her find that job." Was a sense in me.
"What about our girls? I really like having their Mom be home and available to them"
"Yeah.....but somethings gotta change. She has lots of shame and guilt....her go-to pattern when stressed is the same. Let's give her what she wants. I did that for you....and, once you had "it" you discovered what I knew all along. That it was NOT your answer....I was."
"You do realize if she goes to work she will have more exposure to other men? she could cheat again."
"Dude....she cheated when she had very limited exposure to men."
"Look....approach her with this. Things aren't well in your M. Right now, no matter what her words say, her actins show that she feels YOU are the reason she does what she does. You are felt to be why she chooses to isolate and choose intimacy destroying, family fracturing choices. Her heart is deeply wounded.....I'm at work in her, she's invited me in but there is much healing to be done. Go to her with this."
So I did.
Her words ssid I wasn't the issue, nor was how I expressed my feelings. She didn't know why she chose as she chose. I said I need to know. She said she understood.
In the mean time how about we figure out how to get you what you feel you need to be safe....a full time job so you don't feel trapped?
Said she didn't feel trapped that it was just her go-to choices. I understood....and suggested we make that choice a reality together.
Shame and guilt have a very short constructive shelf life. Left un-tended to they will start a rationalizing process that will lead those unable to break free from them into further shaming and guilty choices. I've seen this in porn cycles.....and seen my path free from this was to invite others in. To put the crap you don't want seen out there for others to see. It WORKS!!!
I've also seen one of my go-to guys isolating himself from us. I called him out on it.....not in shameful guileful ways but in ways the program guides me too. Sure enough....he had slipped and was using again. He felt shame and guilt....that was keeping him from reaching out to us.
I feel like I will find another affair. But that feeling doesn't have me talking to an attorney. Attorneys are for facts.....besides, I've spent time with an attorney and know what the process is and am acutely aware of my next legal step.
I see clearly how I have so little influence on my wife.
"No matter how good an influence you are on others, their truth is the same as it is for you. They need God in there lives too."
Good to hear from you PinkJeepLady.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:59 AM, July 8th (Friday)]