SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change.

Lots of powerful stuff in this thread since I have been able to come here and see how you all are doing, but this one (above) really hit home for me.

Neither H nor I were willing to change (and we both needed to) until the pain of infidelity hit us. I know that H's LTA gutted me, but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't hurt him too - a lot. His baby boy (our youngest) found out and now can't look his father in the eye. Nor will he take any advice from him. And since OW will not leave ME alone, H is always having to deal with the fallout of more trickle truth. He finds me crying over a message she has sent that he wrote when he was in darkness. And the guilt, shame, and remorse just flood over him. But the "good" that has come from all this? We have changed. We had to. Our M was sick and, consequently, we had become two very broken halves of a shattered whole.

Now I am attentive to H's needs as a very high priority. After God, in fact, he is my first priority. He is a needy guy and I just never realized how needy he was until I almost lost him. And him? He is doing all he can to make sure I feel safe and to know - every day - how much he loves me and how grateful he is that I didn't leave him, as he would have done if I had slept with another man just one time. He no longer snaps at me for no reason or puts me down in front of our boys (although it was only during the A years - and because of the A - that he did that). But change, he did! And the biggest and most wonderful change is that we now attend a church that is alive and we are in fellowship with other believers. Prior to Dday we settled for the church of my background - a dead and empty church where H was king (president of the parish for 3 years) and Jesus was rarely (if ever) mentioned.

I thank you all for your constant encouragement that I receive by reading your stories. I send hugs and prayers to you all!

Good morning everyone. I am really struggling today and asking for prayer.

My 89 year old father spends a lot of time alone and seems borderline depressed. It breaks my heart. He lives about an hour from me and I visit him almost every Saturday. We have long talks about the Lord and that makes him so happy.

My work environment isn't just hostile...it's toxic. I've been here for 23 years and unfortunately I'm stuck here for now because I'll probably be mortgage shopping soon.

Mr DC and I will be putting our house on the market soon. He has been living with OW for a year and it *still* hurts.

I know the power of prayer is amazing, so I am asking for your prayers. I want my Dad to be ok--he's a wonderful man! And I need peace in my life. I feel like all this stress is taking a serious toll on me.

Sometimes I feel the Lord's presence deeply and I am so grateful for that! But as I said, today is a tough one.

Thank you all for being here ❤️

Praying for you DC and for your Serenity regarding your father, job, and Mr. DC.

Are you doing any selfcare?

Thank you very much, BW...I am most grateful.

Self care (what has saved me) right now is basically my wonderful church family...services every Sunday, weekly prayer meetings and Bible studies. There's also quite a bit of community outreach going on and that is so fulfilling!

Occasionally I go out dancing and sometimes to a movie.

I need to work exercise into my schedule, but haven't done it yet -- that's bad.

Any suggestions you have for selfcare would be appreciated

Prayers for you, DeeplyCrushed. Prayers for your father. Strength.

dc i fould the below on the focus on the family website

• Mental self-care involves reading books, being involved in mentally stimulating conversations and listening to teaching or preaching that challenges your thinking.

• Physical self-care involves exercising, healthy eating, getting enough sleep and taking time to relax.

• Spiritual self-care involves communion with God, reading the Bible, praying, worshiping, reading Christian books and having conversations related to your faith with other believers.

• Emotional self-care involves allowing God to love and encourage you, loving yourself, attending to your emotional desires with care and compassion and speaking to yourself with kindness.

DeeplyCrushed,

My heart and prayers go out to you. I am also dealing with a depressed father and a bed bound mother. And it is so difficult. These were the people that once gave US strength, right?

And you are going through this on top of having your WH living with his AP??

Yes, you will be covered in prayer. God is good, DC. He'll see you through this.

steadychevy, wowme and needfriendshere - I just read your posts and am sitting here at work with tears in my eyes.

Humbled and grateful...that's me!

And wowme thanks for that list. According to it I'm actually doing ok. Well except for exercising and getting enough sleep 😛

I'll add emotional self care involves allowing God to live you through others in your Christian family. Your Chosen family is God's physical arms and ears and shoulders here on earth. The Women in my Christian family show me so much of Christ's love here on Earth.

I agree, Brokenheartedwif!

My "real" family - the one I will spend eternity with - are my brothers and sisters in Christ. That includes all of you. One day, DeeplyCrushed, we will meet in heaven and I will give you a hug because all of this crap will be behind us!

One day we will ALL meet there and it will be great!!!

I felt led to share this with you today. It really touched me and I pray it blesses you:

I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser.

2

Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.

3

You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. (my emphasis)

4

Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.

5

I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.

6

If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned.

7

If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. (again, my emphasis)

(John 15: 1-7)

God bless you all!!

Haven't posted on this thread in a long while. Been very distant, disconnected, unstable, etc.

Just wanted to let you all know that I do still read and pray for you all. Your stories and words are often in my heart and are shining examples of the good people in this world.

This was my daily devotion today... I found it very helpful and very true....

I do believe that although I always believed in God and went to church regularly, I never felt in a relationship with God. He was just too BIG and other people needed Him MORE...

SO NOT TRUE...

You are all in my prayers...

Entering the Dark Wood

Monday, June 13, 2016

The mystics of all the great religions, along with classic literature like Homer's Odyssey, intuited that life was a journey involving completion of a first half and transition to a second half, sometimes called "a further journey." Yet most of us were given the impression that life was a matter of learning and obeying the rules; and those who obeyed them won. Many of our pastoral problems and the foundational alienation from religion in Europe and North America stems from the lack of initiation and depth. Mainline Christianity does not seem to be giving people access to God, to the soul, or to the joy and freedom promised in the Scriptures. Christianity is not doing its primary job well--moving people from the first to the second half of life.

At some point along the journey, if you're honest and open, you will realize there's more to life. This experience is hardly inviting or encouraging, and so many of us turn back. In "The Inferno: Canto 1," The Divine Comedy, Dante describes the human experience: "In the middle of life, I found myself in a dark wood." If you're letting life happen to you, you will be led to the dark wood where you have to ask: "What does it all mean? Why am I doing this? Why don't I feel fully alive or that my life has meaning? What am I doing wrong?" Most of us have bouts of immense self-doubt and even sometimes self-hatred at this point.

This is why Jesus says, "By faith you will be saved" (Luke 7:50, 18:42). It is only by a foundational trust in the midst of suffering, some ability to bear darkness and uncertainty, and learning to be comfortable with paradox and mystery, that you move from the first half of life to the second half.

Novelist Robertson Davies writes, "One always learns one's mystery at the price of one's innocence." [1] The word innocent comes from the Latin for unwounded or not harmed. The innocent one hasn't yet learned from his or her wounds, and therefore doesn't know his or her full reality yet. Human life only develops in the shadowlands, never inside of pure light or total darkness.

When you've stumbled--and the guilt, loneliness, and fear come to assault you--if you don't have at least one good friend, or if you have not developed a prayer life where you know how to find yourself in God instead of in your own feelings, you will simply retrench and reassert your correctness. You'll learn nothing and remain in the first half of life, maintaining your container and supposed identity. This explains why most people are stuck in the first half of life. This is especially true for people who are highly successful or have been able to avoid all suffering. If you only move from success to success, or you never live in solidarity with the suffering of others, you normally know very little about your own soul.

I recently wrote this to someone who I had a great deal of bitterness towards and was having difficulty forgiving. Perhaps it will help someone else here in S.I.

I have experienced at different times in my life, some individuals that have perceived things to be my fault, when in fact it was theirs & they projected the blame onto me. Even so, the lord compells and asks me to be compassionate. So that those who are left behind when the time comes for me to leave this world do not have the additional burden of guilt & alienation left from me & are unable to do anything about it.

So for your sake and mine I do not want to hold on to unforgiveness for you or anyone. I desire to be free of any entanglements when the lord comes for me. I want the lord to see me free from bitterness & unforgiveness that has entangled me in the past, as well as being freed from others still embittered towards me. So I humbly wish to make peace with you and loosen your & my bondage to the past. The tyranny of poisonous memories is slow killing & robs a soul of it's life. The reality is that for me to fight with or need to rationalize the thoughts of others only draws me deeper into the conflict. So I choose to abandon these desires to my lord and humbly say to you "I am sorry, please forgive me for my bitterness & unforgiveness "

[This message edited by hihn at 10:51 PM, June 13th (Monday)]

Hopeful77,

That devotional was outstanding and a point I've been trying to articulate (poorly, I'm afraid) for some time.

If we can maintain our faith in the dark times, we know our faith is real and not circumstantial. The Bible never promises us a lifetime of sunshine and roses, yet so many people lose their faith when tragedy strikes. And yes, when we maintain our faith during trials, we do move on to a higher faith, so to speak - that 2nd half of the Christian life that your devotional spoke of.

Good stuff and very encouraging!

Hihn,

I can think of a couple of people that I wish I could write such a letter to. But to be honest, they are both people who would react with, "What? Why were you bitter toward me? I never did anything to you!" They are both blind to the hurt they have caused many of us and I would fear repercussions. You are a bigger person than I am. I think that's pretty awesome of you. Please tell us. How did the person react to what you wrote?

needfriendshere

In order for me to write this letter I knew that the response from the person I was going to send it to could be favorable or unfavorable in my behalf. But their approval or disapproval of my action wasn't my concern. Their response simply didn't matter to me. My concern was that the lord had pressed in and on to my heart to release my bitterness and unforgiveness to him. (if I won't forgive others he won't forgive me) Also the lord laid heavy on my heart the potential burden placed on my or their heart at the event of my death or theirs of never being able to give forgiveness. Change occurs when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change, forgiveness works in a very similar way. Plus I know regardless of the others persons response, because I have given forgiveness, released my bitterness & asked for forgiveness in return, that the lord will in turn becomes the navigator of what ever comes of it. In other words what the other person chooses to do is between them and the lord, not me. I have been taken out of the conflict through my action of asking for forgiveness. What ever the lord decides to do with them, my soul and heart will be okay with. The lord is the one that knows all hearts, thoughts & actions. I must & do trust in the wisdom of the lord.

You asked me to tell you how the person reacted. The person replied "you did nothing to me to forgive".

Hihn,

I find this interesting:

You asked me to tell you how the person reacted. The person replied "you did nothing to me to forgive".

A few years ago, I wrote a letter to an Aunt of mine, asking for her forgiveness and she gave me that exact same answer. I was never entirely sure what I had done to her, but from the age of 18 on, she treated me with contempt. I guessed it was because I had walked in on her in a compromising situation at a family gathering - something she nor I ever spoke of. She passed away about a year after I sent her the letter and she left every one of her nieces and nephews something in her will except for me (she had no children of her own and had never married). Obviously there was something to forgive, but my apology did not move her. But, like you said, I did what God would have me do. My conscience was clean.

As for the other 2 people, I fear that if I opened any can of worms with them - even a one-line apology, it would be met with an attack. So I have chosen to forgive them in my heart.

I guess the most difficult person to forgive has been FWH. But forgive him, I have. And he is so grateful. In fact, my forgiving him was the catalyst to bring him into communion with other believers and to re-dedicate his life to God. I was kind of hoping the same thing would have happened with my Aunt...

needfriendshere

I guess the most difficult person to forgive has been FWH. But forgive him, I have. And he is so grateful. In fact, my forgiving him was the catalyst to bring him into communion with other believers and to re-dedicate his life to God. I was kind of hoping the same thing would have happened with my Aunt...

What the lord did through your act of forgiveness of your FWH was an excellent example of the lords navigation after your act of mercy towards your FWH. As far as your Aunt goes if she truly didn't forgive, well I am guessing she didn't get the mansion she could have gotten, but ended up living in the guest house instead (if she was a believer in Christ). Also, when she came face to face with Jesus her act of unforgiveness was discussed and she felt what it feels like to disappoint the lord and that's gotta hurt worse than anything.

Hi StandsWithFists.

My pre-A life.....I could have used more boundaries. But one good one was to not interact one on one with women that aren't my wife. If I took a woman co-worker to lunch I'd have her choose another to join us, didn't do business travel with just one woman, left hospitality functions by 8 pm. I knew I needed those boundaries and my wife appreciated them.

Here's the irony.......we BOTH thought I was the "at risk" person in our M. Both subscribed to the societal lie that "men cheat, women don't". My wife was the more jealous one in our pre-A M.

And then she is the one to have an affair.

Truth is.....BOTH spouses are at risk. Satan hates God, envies his strength and power. The family can be a great source of power....by Gods design. Adultery is the weapon of mass destruction used against the family. Since I had boundaries up, my wife was the easier target. And we both fell to deception....starting with the lies we jointly believed and then the lies she choose to accept as facts that eventually led her to adultery.

Whew.......guess I felt like sharing that.

To your question.....

Through this trial I was introduced to the work of John Eldredge and Ransomed Heart Ministries. Started with the Wild at Heart Book...and then I have read\listened to most all of his work. It was through him that God showed me the true Gospel....the really good news that we are more than simply sinful creatures. We are that, but we are so much more!

Before original sin there was original GLORY. Adam and Eve lived in a sin free garden, completely naked and interacting daily with God himself. THEN they were deceived and fell to sin.....and that sin covered some of that original glory. But that glory was placed in us by God....and can't be destroyed.

As I break through my sin I get glimpses of Gods glory in me....I start to see who God sees in me.

I went to Colorado to a "Wild at Heart Boot Camp".....AMAZING!!! The healing and softening of my heart was unlike any of the $11k worth of therapy I had been to before had done.

It is just for men.

Don't loose hope....."Captivating" by his wife Staci Eledredge offers to women what John does for men. At what that offering is is simply the Gospel (good news) without the religion (rules and regulations).

They honestly recognize that there are a way things are done....and that is designed by God. But the really good news of the Gospel is far more than we are "saved by mercy and grace through Jesus". To be sure.....THAT IS HUGE!!!! And it is the only way we get into heaven. But there is so much more. Restoration and sanctification and HEALING start here, on earth. God is active NOW.....he didn' just drop off the bible as an "instruction manual" and say "Here you go, boys......I see you on the other side" and then leave.

He desires an active, real relationship with us NOW.

Its been life changing.

Check it out.

Give a boy a hammer and the whole world looks like a nail.

I like this quote and mention it here because Ransomed Heart has so opened up the Gospel to me that I feel like it would do that to ALL who check it out. But I know that is not the truth....that God will work in someones life as they need him to.

still....I am compelled to speak about it.