Wowme.......I have used porn for 30 years. Invited it into my relationship with my wife in out dating years and continued to into our M. I ramped up its use after DD1. But the pain was too great.........thank God.
God didn't put this trial into my life, my wife's free will choose to invite it into my life. Just like my free will brought porn into my life and I invited it into my wife's by my choice. BUT Gid did allow it.
Thank God?!?! Yes.
We were both blind to the fact we needed to change. Our coping mechs (porn use was just one of many) did what they were designed to do.....numb pain and pretend pain doesn't exist within us.
We could override most pain in our lives.....until adultery entered it. My wife could even ride through adultery cause this was just an extension of how she bent reality and numbed pain.....more of the same, just a stronger dose.
Why this talk about pain?
Change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change.
Adultery finally (after 1.5 years post DD 1) had me to the point of being opened to change.
During that 1.5 years after DD 1 I'd is ask God;
Why did you let this affair happen?
Why do you let my wife trickle truth?
Why did I have another DD?
Why did I have yet another DD?
I get I'm a screw-up, but why'd 7 kids have to be hurt by this affair?
And a ton of other means to God as I tried to wiggle away from the real pain of reality.
Now I see more clearly (though I still thirst for clarity yet today). God loves me enough to allow trials in my life to help heal, grow and mature me.
Through actually PROCESSING pain I have learned much.
1. My wife's affair was NOT about me or OM....it showed where she had chosen to get to. Huge realization for a heavy CoD person.
2. Discovered sexual abuse as an 11 year old boy by both parents where I was first introduced to sex and porn. Not an excuse but with that realization my motivations are better understood. Plus now that I am aware of that wound it can and is healing. Profoundly amazed at how much this affected so many of my choices. Still in awe how I missed this for 30 years.
3. See now how I can and have grown as a parent. I'll still mess up as a Dad but I am getting better. Pre-A I had much pride.....and that was blocking my growth.
4. My eyes have been opened to the very really, very daily relationship I have through Jesus with God. I know have conversational prayer with him. I have not heard his voice directly, but there is no doubt he is present.
5. My eyes are opened to the very real fact I have an enemy....Satan and a 1/3 of the Angels that are dark. As I actively, with Gods help, fight off temptation and fix my eyes on the narrow path I have come to realize not all my thoughts are my own. Not everything that happens in this world is Gods will. That God desires an active relationship with each of us......he doesn't NEED our help, he desires our participation.
Look....I haven't felt truly desired since I was a young boy. I see how I was settling for so little in my pre-A life.....from my wife AND from myself. It feels good to be desired.
I still struggle.
I am searching for true intimacy.....have seen the truth under false-intimacies and intimacy-replaces and it's not pretty. I needed to see this painful truth in order to change.
5 years ago I didn't think I was perfect, but sure thought I had it all together.
Now I see more of my wounding and brokenness than ever before....but am finding more peace in reality than I ever found in fantasy.
Wowme.....I will end with this:
"When I see you broken beyond repair I see healing beyond belief"
Lyrics from a song that resonated with me yesterday as I visited with God.
I hope this helps.
You are stronger than you think, you are never as alone as you feel.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:07 PM, June 2nd (Thursday)]