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I Can Relate :
Emotional Affairs


elad ( member #29497) posted at 2:13 AM on Sunday, September 12th, 2010

My STBX has been having countless (yes countless) EA's over the past year or so. She refused to stop, and we are getting D. In fact she's leaving me for one of the EA's and moving to Ohio to be with him. As a matter of fact, while I'm typing this, she's sitting in the next room texting the OM.

I can't wait for this whole mess to be over.

Her-WS numerous, countless A's
7 Years
7 year itch?

posts: 173   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2010   ·   location: Winnipeg
id 4797042

soulsearcher4 ( member #29540) posted at 3:21 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2010

(((Linzie4))) Just some words of encouragement here...

It is never too late, you are never too sick and you are never too old to start from scratch once again.

Starting from scratch could be repairing your marriage... or something else. But don't think you can't just because of age.


There were so many nights of that... We've been separated since August. I went over a few times, and we'd already made a decision to D. But while watching some TV while I was over there (having lunch, she needed someone to drive her around) she was still texting... all those old feeling I hadn't felt since June were coming back. I was suddenly very excited to have it all done. It sucks I have to actually contact her to get it done. Dragging my feet sooo bad.

I was at a mutual friends party too last weekend. And there she was again texting who knows who. Not like it matters... but same old feelings of unease and discomfort. I still logon to some of her accounts to see if I can see what she's doing... i really have to stop that :(

Me: BS
Her: WS


Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!

posts: 218   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2010   ·   location: So.Cal.
id 4798561

elad ( member #29497) posted at 1:46 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2010


It sucks that some people are so selfish, and stuck in the fog, that they have no idea of the amount of hurt, they are causing....

And it sucks that we are the ones that feel that hurt....

Her-WS numerous, countless A's
7 Years
7 year itch?

posts: 173   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2010   ·   location: Winnipeg
id 4800422

Stay_Or_Go ( member #29532) posted at 11:22 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

Hello all, I didn't realize how prevalent this problem was until I came here. I just know when I found evidence of 100s of text exchanges dating back over a year and a half between my husband and another woman, my heart sank! I will be following this thread and plan to read each page!

posts: 156   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2010
id 4802097

Herzschmerz ( member #29805) posted at 10:16 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2010

My WH has now had 3 EA's (that I'm aware of). I wish that EA's were more widely understood and accepted as being damaging and wrong. I've been disgusted at how many people I have run across that actually think that as long as you didn't have sex that it isn't an affair. Or even those that think that EA's "aren't as bad" and PA's. Sorry... but they're both based on lies, deceit and betrayal. The mechanics of it really don't matter as much as the fact that the person broke their vows, lied, schemed, etc.

Me: BS (33)
Him: FWS (34)
DDay 1: 06/04/10 | DDay 2: 10/02/10
OEA plus another texting EA
Together 17 yrs, married 6
One beautiful baby girl together

Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)

posts: 422   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2010
id 4853053

Stay_Or_Go ( member #29532) posted at 1:35 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2010

I know what you mean. In some ways, I think it can be worse, because he can't say he was just using her for sex.

That he had such a strong emotional attachment that became even more important than me, his wife, and they never even slept together...well, it hurts like hell.

Don't get me wrong, I am definitely glad to be free from the worries of him exposing me to STDs and unwanted pregnancies from a PA. I think the only reason the EA never got that far is she lives in another city and he never had the confidence to make the move. I think if she had attempted to initiate sexual contact, he would have done it in a heartbeat and it kills me!

posts: 156   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2010
id 4853351

forever faithful ( member #29621) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2010

EAs suck so BAD! Its steps from becoming a PA.My H asked me if Im ever going to get over this..? Sure I will in time but it has been only 3 mths!! My H works with the %#*^!! He has a job interview today with another company, so this is a great step forward.My H is trying very hard to do all the right things, so I ask...Why now are you putting so much of yourself into this marriage now? H responds..Because I realize what I would have lost It dosent matter if you go to another job, work in a man only workplace or even never speak to another woman again in his life! Its about being betrayed and the trust gone from our marriage.It just wont happen overnight but overtime. I have said to my H many times...I hope she was worth damaging our marriage?! I just feel completely screwed over!!

posts: 196   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2010   ·   location: Canada
id 4857724

Trying_To_Decide ( member #29792) posted at 7:27 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2010

I know of at least 4 EA's over an 11 year period with WH. He is in one now...though I have told him if it doesn't stop, I walk out.

I left and stayed elsewhere last night, adn he called me this mornign. I came home to get kids ready and off to school, and he tried to smooth everything over. I told him it wouldn't work, he had to recongnize his part in this f'd up mess, continue IC. He ahs had ONE appt, and he doesn't realize HE is at fault here. He blames everything he ever does wrong (drinking, hanging with women...) on our lack of communication--which he sees as my fault.


I am steps from being out the door for good.

Me, the BS:38 43
WH...STBX:39 44
3 kids, 16+ years

posts: 530   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2010
id 4858061

godawgs ( member #28172) posted at 1:21 AM on Saturday, November 13th, 2010

My wife has been having an EA for about 11 months with someone from facebook. We have had numerous Ddays. I have threatened D. I have a key logger on the pc and other things. I have busted them together on numerous occasions. I know it has become somewhat physical but she swears no sex. I don't believe her. She has promised NC and broken it so many times I have loss count. We had such a good marriage before and it appears completely lost now. She is seems so lost in the so called "FOG" that I don't know who she is. There is no reasoning with her anymore. They talked all the time on her cell phone. He still calls her at work. I busted them talking last week. I am so tired of trying to catch them. It seems to have consumed me and my every thought. I hate it.

Me=BH 36
Her=WW 34
One wonderful boy 4
First D-Day=Jan. 25, 2010
SO MANY MORE SINCE THEN! I have lost count
I moved out=Jan 26, 2011
Filed for D= Dec 8, 2011

posts: 156   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2010   ·   location: midwest
id 4903898

iamsurviving ( member #23478) posted at 1:54 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2010

I'm a member of the EA family too. Not a great place to be - my Dday is coming up 12/16/07 and I still struggle a lot. Struggled with my wedding ring so finally took my wedding ring off 1 week ago. Wear it on my right hand though - not really to not wear it at all but not ready to tell the world I'm married either since H and OW broke that circle. Still having horrible problems coping with it after 40+ years of marriage - at our age - there's no place to go. I also didn't suspect a thing - felt so stupid when I found out but did meet OW same day to confront her. Now how I wish I could talk to her now - have lots to say to her. OW moved out of state - but comes back and forth to visit family - I have not seen her but feel her presence in a lot of places. Thanks for starting this thread - need to hear from a lot of people and it's good reading and learning as well. God bless all here.

Me: BS (68)
Him: WH (72)
Married: 48 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

posts: 307   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2009
id 4930277

diminishingpain7 ( member #20072) posted at 7:05 AM on Thursday, December 9th, 2010

My H had an EA too, as well as a semi PA with another woman (2 encounters of "petting") I have a condition clld vulvodynia where sex can be extremely painful. It was at a point where it was manageable, but was still difficult as we had an 16 month old and I was pregnant with my son at the time. Some days I wish with all my heart that it was just sex and not an intimate relationship with a woman that he "loved" I can even, most days, forgive him the PA due to the lack of sexual intimacy, but the EA is gut wrenching. Love was all I had to give him. I gave it fully and completely, without judgement or jealousy. I trusted him with my body and soul. I endured countless painful sessions because I wanted to be able to show him my love. I suffered silently because I knew he would stop if he knew I was in pain. He never wanted to hurt me... ironic eh?

Now, to know he gave his heart to another.... it just plain kills me.

ps. I think the barfing smiley is my favorite one.

Me~BW 32
Him~WH 35 OW#1 PA (no intercourse) OW#2 EA 6 mos
D-day 4/16/08
In recovery

Best post EVER --->

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2008   ·   location: not sure where I am...
id 4949749

hurtb4 ( new member #30583) posted at 8:54 PM on Friday, December 31st, 2010

Ironic that I found about this website reading my Redbook magazine last night. Ironic because 2 yrs. ago today-12/31/08-I found out about my H EA. I found out who it was with (she had been a friend of ours,my church bible study partner, and his former coworker & was also married). This was 2 days after he had asked for a divorce because he wasn't happy. He denied the EA or any A for that matter. He did not come clean about it until well over a month and I believe only because I confronted him with all the information he could not deny.Our 2 children and I moved out 3 days later after finding this information out. I honestly don't think I have ever experienced anything so hurtful,humiliating,disappointing....I can't even begin to describe the emotional roller coaster that has followed. I just want to let others know that you will survive. It will be difficult, painful, and you will experience emotions you probably didn't even know possible. My H and I did reconcile. We did a self-help book and sought counseling. One of the best things the counselor told him was that I will never forget the A. I will eventually come to not think about it every day or month but I will never forget about it and he will just have to accept that. That is true. I don't think about the OW as much as I had. At one point she literally consumed all of my thoughts. This time of year brings it all back but it also reminds me how far we have come. Strangely enough, our marriage is better than it had been. As hard as it was to admit, our marriage didn't fall apart in one moment, it didn't take just 1 person to let it go downhill, and we were both to blame.With that being said, he does understand this does not get him a pass for what he did. He knows how bad he hurt me, knows that if it ever happens again we are done, and he knows and understands that he is not completely trusted. yes it has been 2 yrs but I am not ready to give complete trust. He also knows know just how much he stands to lose. So with a new year ahead, I just wanted to give everyone out there experiencing this some encouragement and hope---there is light at the end of the tunnel. A big help to me was Kristen Jongen has 2 books out. Haven't read the 2nd one but I can tell you the 1st one is extremely uplifting and encouraging--she experienced a PA by her H. Check her stuff out if you get a moment. There are days I still read it. Best of luck to you all in 2011!

posts: 1   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2010
id 4986637

Gypsie ( member #30560) posted at 4:23 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2011

In November, my daughter found my WH's the old texts (dating back to 2009) and decided I needed to see them. It was a sexting relationship.

Somehow, this EA thing is so much more painful, difficult to process, than if he'd just slept with her.

He has admitted everything. No TT. He is NC since the day after DDay, when he told her I knew about the EA. According to him, their only physical contact was hugging. I'm still suspicious and skeptical. Normal, I guess. But he's been good as gold.

Some days, I believe him and feel good about our chances. Others, I want to pack a bag and never look back.

We'll be starting counseling through his EAP soon. I'm scared. What if stuff comes up that I can't handle? What if there really was more? Or others? And what if he learns things about me that are dealbreakers (no, not an A, but maybe some flaw he can't abide)? Can you tell my self-image - already fragile - has taken a hit? Sigh.

BW (Me) 38
WH 51
Married 10 years, together 11.5
No children (I have two from my first marriage)
D-Day 11/14/10 (exactly a month before my b-day)
D-Day 2 - 01/25/11
Filing for D in April

posts: 350   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2010   ·   location: Memphis
id 4998244

BetrayedinMN ( member #20970) posted at 3:07 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2011

To me, sex with a random person might be easier to deal with. The EA's are horrible.....not taking away anything anyone feels with a PA but the emotional attachment, time spent, secrets, discussing me and our relationship...on and on are horribly difficult to try to overcome and deal with.

Me - 43
XH 42 (A's with co-workers)
Dday #1 (EA) 2008
Dday #2 (EA) 2010
DDay #3 (EA) 9-2-12

Was served divorce papers on 10/30/12
D final 4/30/13

posts: 240   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2008
id 4999703

Blueeyedfella ( member #29944) posted at 3:35 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2011

Hey everyone, I have a question.

I have a good buddy who's wife started an EA back in early summer. It got pretty heated but she swore she never did anything outside of kissing him. She told my buddy that she wanted to marry this other guy, blend the families (there are kids on both sides) b/c she loves the guy. She'd sneak off for hours at a time and eventually come back to my buddy. They did MC, tried NC and it's kind of going okay, but I can tell from her that she is not into it, at all. She's almost depressed that she lost something which was so exciting to her.

My question to you all is, do you think it's more than a EA? Regardless of what she tells my buddy, I think she's FOS and that there's no way she hasn't slept with the OM, but she's sticking to her "kissing only" guns.

What say you?

Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

posts: 250   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2010
id 4999755

onestepforward ( member #21589) posted at 8:36 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

Blueeyedfella - I'm with you, she's FOS. Have you introduced your buddy to SI? Sounds like he needs it.

BS (me): 49
(PA's: 1 proven, 1 unproven and probably more; EA's: multiple over 10+ years ... ongoing)

posts: 110   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2008   ·   location: France
id 5007926

survivorman ( member #29515) posted at 9:43 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

BEF, she really is most likely talking out of her ass. Given opportunity, an EA will almost certainly turn into a PA -- and the fact that she admits to kissing means the opportunity was there.

The main exceptions to the general rule seem to be long-distance EAs (little or no opportunity) or heavily fantasy-based ones in which actual sex would burst the soap bubble. Neither sounds like it really applies here.

ETA: Corrected some year-old typos. Yes, I'm anal-retentive that way.

[This message edited by survivorman at 12:34 AM, August 28th (Sunday)]

Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone

posts: 489   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: survivorman
id 5007962

poopylala ( member #30119) posted at 7:45 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

My WBF had at least one EA, online actually, and it transgressed to a PA. After DDay 1 back in Nov, I said I thought we could work through this and when things started getting rough between us, I guess he assumed I was going to leave him so he started OEA #2 Dec 11. He doesn't really see that one as an OEA but I think when we get to that part of the lies in MC he'll realize yes it was. Monday we started MC and I confronted him about the truth about OEA #1 and how I knew it was a PA also but he never confessed that to me. He said (as I figured this was the case) he was scared to lose me and he knew if I knew that truth that I'd leave him and plus he was scared to hurt me. I sent him one of the posts on TT about how TT is usually more damaging than the actual PA/EA is the day before MC and I don't think it hit home at that point that he needed to be honest. I mean I've known about this because I talked to OW#1 and OW#2. I hate that I found out from them and not from him. I told him he needed to decide where his loyalties were because I refuse to be second best. I didn't say if I was staying or leaving, I just said he had to decide by Friday. Well I didn't talk to him the rest of the day and I think he is slowly but continuously coming out of the fog and realizing what he did and how it has affected me. He has started doing things right this time (he did confess last Friday when I think he started coming out of the fog that he had not in fact been trying before whereas before I had told him he wasn't trying and he maintained that he was) I feel it's more honest now. I hope we can get past this but I think he needs to understand it's a 50/50 thing, not a 70/30 where I do tons of work and he does a little bit.

To all who have just found out, to all who are being Trickle Truthed, to all who are lost, to all who are here, I am so sorry we all share this boat. Feel free to PM me anytime. I have faith that we can all get through this.

"To err is human;To forgive,divine"

<3 DS always

posts: 1035   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2010   ·   location: Houston, TX
id 5009001

Ex-BFF ( new member #30142) posted at 1:19 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

I agree, wasfooled2, I think an EA is much worse than a PA. I found text messages from my H to the OW trying to convince her that her husband and I were good people, but we would be ok if they got together. BTW, she lives across the street from us and the four of us were very good friends (I thought) - ha - apparently she has done this before before they moved to this area...she is very unhappy in her own marriage and I told my H he was just a diversion for her...something to pass the time....the fog seems to be lifting from his eyes...they would meet during the day (he would actually LEAVE WORK) at a local park...he would get in her car and they would talk and kiss...with her 5 month old in the backseat!

BS Me (49)
WH (51)
Married 24 years
2 DD (19, 14)
1 DS (22)
Dday 11/10/10 EA with my "Best friend across street"
Second Dday 12/26/10 Merry Christmas!

posts: 45   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2010
id 5009924

lordmayhem ( member #30526) posted at 4:31 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2011

This is the club I never wanted to join.

Last June I discovered my wife having an emotional affair after having reconnected with an ex-boyfriend on facebook. After investigating, it was incredibly hurtful with how much they were secretly communicating. Thousands and thousands of minutes of talking, chatting, and text. Hundreds of dollars in additional phone bills.

After further investigation, I'm pretty certain that it was strictly an EA, with him in Canada, and us in Nebraska. But I did find out that she was inquiring on how to renew her passport and researching information on immigration and working in Canada. I even intercepted an IM from the OM telling her that all she has to do is "send the application to the company", which tells me she was at least planning on abandoning me, escape to Canada to be with him, and work in the same company as him.

I confronted her too soon without gathering more evidence, so she's using the excuse that they're just friends, which she maintains to this day.

BH-me, 45
fWW-her, 50
Married 21 yrs
2 kids (21, 12)
D-Day: 06/11/10

In R at this time

posts: 532   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 5015591
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