SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

dear takinet, i know what you mean about the OW i know we should blame our WS but i felt such hatred for the OW she conned my WS out of lots of cash and used us both so i really hated her, when i found out the truth about their EA i gave myself a year to see if i really needed to get my revenge on her i thought it would subside in a year but it didnt so i took my revenge, the silly cow left her facebook page unprotected, she partly privatised it but left access to all her friends and her church, some christian, so i sent a message to all her friends telling them how she had used us both when we were suffering from the death of our son by suicide and how she had conned my WS out of all that money and asked her church how she could call herself a christian, i bet she didnt expect that after a year, i should have felt ashamed of myself but i dont i have reclaimed my self respect from her and i feel good about it. but dont act upon your feelings now or you will do somthing you regret, it has to be legal and honest and you have to have no regrets if you do something. good luck and dont forget we are all here for you.

My husband has had EA also. I finally found out after 11 years of marriage there was more than one. I am so confused I just don't know what to do. seeing people on here trying to work things out and see some of my biggest fear of it actually being a PA. Im so confused as what to do. Are EA's supposed to be as detrimental as PA's? Am I over reacting? Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I let him do this for 11 years and want to hurt him but know if I did it he would never forgive me. So lost.

I've been searching SI all night to see what I would respond to I am so sad I found out about the EA and eventual PA through cell phone records. I was always the trusting wife never questioned anything he said so I never felt a need to go through his phone records until his behavior goi so crazy I knew something was up! OMG they talked everyday all day!!! he would repeately call like 7 times in a row, they talked first thing in the morning (were Co-Workers) on his way to work then during the afternoon where they would arrange their sexual trysts, then on way home from work and then after I went to bed until early morning WTF.Said "she paid attention to him" I guess me taking care of the house, kids, helping him with his business ect. but then being tired for sex everyday (which was one of his reasons)wasn't "paying attention to him" I feel like giving up. 30 years we are together and he blew it on a whore. alot of times there were literally minutes between when I would call him and he would call her. all that time and energy into her, while I thought we had something special. I recocognize now I made it easy for him to take me for granted, I never required anything from him and just loved him unconditionally Is it too late after 30 years to change. To speak up for myself without putting him first? I don't want to be the "good wife" anymore. For example, He sometimes has to do some work where the OW is and this triggers me I explained this to him several times I called up there today while he was there and he asked if he could "call me back" he was meeting with someone. i said ok and texted him "you just don't fucking "get it" I'm aready stressed by you being there, you never had time for my phones calls when you used to work there cause you were to busy chasing her. The response is always you should have told me you needed to speak with me right then , no in this situation you shoud fucking KNOW!!! U excuse your self and talk to me right then and there. He's working hard on R and is remorseful and regretful . Is it me?? Then I feel bad for voicing my anger because he looks so pitiful Part of R is changing some old habits but I guess cause were out 8 months from DD he's feeling comfortable again I"m sorry I'm rambling but I don't know how to get through this He brought this on himself and I feel bad for not trusting him? how messed up is that??I pray every night and day for GOD to help heal our marriage.To bring me to a point where I do'nt think about the intimacy and sex they shared or how he sleep next to me at night waiting for me to go to sleep so he could call her. Every Holiday ruined and for all my suffering all I get is "I never meant to hurt you"

yes EA are just as hurtful he has taken from your marriage and given to a third person, you didnt ask for it and you are not over reacting dont be so hard on yourself, you are hurting and you need to look after you, you are the most important person here, give yourself time and spoil yourself, you did not deserve it and you want to lash out, the anger is hard i am so angry at me for letting him do this to me, dont do anything before thinking it through but dont let him convince you cos its emotional it doesnt count, my H doesnt get it and D day was over a year ago, so it takes time and energy and i am running out, i am so tired, just keep going from day to day and you will make it somehow we all do (((hugs))) keep posting it really helps

Hi, sort of new to this forum as I haven't been here in over 7 yrs so sorry if I'm asking something already discussed...

My husband and I recently separated after I finally told him "Me or her" about an EA that has gone on for almost 12 years (started after two PA's). He said she was a friend and I was unreasonable so I filed for D (after 12 yrs of fighting it and seeing the emails and trying to deny it, I was done living with it). Days later he slept with her. Then came home begging to come back saying he didn't want her and he now understood what he'd done and that he never would've slept with her if I hadn't filed for D. I said no so he went back to seeing her. Finally, we decided to go to MC because I still love him and he says he still loves me and wants me not her. So he cut off contact (I think). Now he tells me that he can't be alone and that if we weren't in MC he'd be with her and that he'll probably go back to her if we don't make it work. Also important is that she works in his field and is friends with all of his friends so she'll always be in our lives in some way probably....

Has anyone dealt with this before? I don't know if I can trust him so I don't know if MC will work and I don't want to take away his cahnce of happiness if that's what she is. At the same time, I don't feel like he's really trying if he's still thinking like that. He says that he wouldn't be in MC if he really wanted her. Anyone ever been through this type of thing? I don't know how to understand or deal with the "I want you but I'll take her if I can't have you" reasoning. Help!!!!

*HUGS* Sadie. I can't offer advice as I'm too new, but from what I read already on this site, others will come along and give you really great advice.

sadie418,

I don't have a similar situation so these are just my thoughts about yours.

Don't worry about your WH's happiness. He is a big boy and can take care of that himself. You need to focus on what makes you happy and what is best for you. Your WH sounds like he is still in the fog, wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

What I hear your WH telling you is if things don't work out with you, he already has a back up plan. Sorry, but if I were you this wouldn't work for me. He is keeping one foot out the door. I agree with you that this attitude means he isn't really trying. He is only going through the motions without any real sincerity or honesty. IMO, if you need to have a backup of AP waiting in the wings, you really aren't in R.

Committing to R is to work without a saftey net. A WS and a BS have to really put themselves out there, take a risk and put everything on the line to save their M. I know that I could not be honest with my WH if I was worried that he might go back to the OW.

If I were you, I would tell my WH that if he wants to go to MC then he has to give up his OW. Entirely. That is the only way he could show that he is serious about working things out. Anything less is just a waste of time.

just a quick update ...

well I watched the show with stbx in it ... and it was good ... natgeo did a great job on the show ... even tho they kinda just showed one side of the prison system perspective ...

and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...

doesn't matter I knew who he was ...

and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...

so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???

WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...

no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...

My STBXH and I got married on June 13, 2009, and by August I started finding texts between him and an ex-coworker that made me uncomfortable. We talked about it and he said he hadn't meant them that way, and he seemed to stop talking to her so much. By December they had started talking more than I was comfortable with again, via text messages. I finally sucked it up (since he kept telling me I would be crazy and controlling to tell him he can't talk to this girl) and told him I just can't deal with him having contact with her. He was very angry with me and put up a huge fight, but finally agreed. And I thought he had stopped. Until I caught him texting her and ended up checking the phone bill at the end of January. Over 2000 texts in that 4-5 week period. He had just been deleting them from his phone so I wouldn't see them. I was devastated, and he, of course, didn't apologize without making me feel horrible and controlling about telling him who he can and can't be friends with. He finally apologized in the middle of Feb and I really thought he meant it.

Our first year of marriage was hard, he was working part time and going to grad school full time, and I am a nurse and work night shift. Between his job, school, studying and my job, we rarely had time together. And he just seemed distant. If I asked about it I was "complaining" and he always said he was just stressed out.

On May 12 we got into an argument and he busted out with how he doesn't love me, doesn't want to go to counseling and wants a divorce. I was devastated because although we had a tough year, we had been planning on starting counseling as soon as he graduated. I had never heard him say anything like this before.

Two days later I found his new e-mail address and all of the conversations between him and this same girl. It started to make more sense, but I am devastated. I asked him if he wanted to work it out, and he said no because he doesn't love me and never has. We have been together 6 years, married for 11 months. He told me that when he married me he was settling, but now he knows he can do better. He has shown no remorse, blames me for EVERYTHING (even says I made him marry me), and has no interest in R. Our anniversary would be next weekend. We had a trip planned, and the top layer of our wedding cake is still in my freezer. I feel like I am the only one whose H left her for the OW in an EA.

People keep telling me I'm lucky that I found out so early, but I just don't see it that way. I feel embarrassed that my marriage failed so soon (I mean, this A started at most 2 months into the marriage).

ps: because people have been bringing it up, this EA did turn P, I know they have made out at LEAST one time, and I'm sure they've done more.

More, you'll probably hear this again and again - be grateful that this came out so early in your marriage and now you can let it go and forget about it.

A man telling his wife he is "settling" - oh!!!! that just pisses me off. Do yourself a favor and get that annulled as soon as you can. Get rid of him and don't waste any more of your good years fooling with "nothing".

I wished my D-Day had happened soon after he my WH started his EA with a coworker. They were involved for 10 years before I found out. During that time, we had two kids, bought a house and incurred tremendous debt (most of it - HIS!!!). If this had come to light shortly after it started, I could have been alot better financially. And my emotions would not have been so embedded into this marriage.

When we finally had our first D-Day - the knowledge of what they were doing completely broke my heart and destroyed my Joy and that hasnt come back yet.

In the last 2 years, we have had 4 D-Days and I've found 3 secret prepaid cell phones. You dont want to deal with all that. Get out early while you can!!!!!

I feel embarrassed that my marriage failed so soon...

MoreB, you have nothing to be embarrassed about - It's all on him! As hard as it is to hear, you are lucky you aren't more emotionally/financially involved and can cut loose now and find that person who loves you.

You don't need to be with a husband who has no remorse and says he settled and could do better! What?! If he can do better so can you!

(((Hugs)))

I knew something was weird several months ago. Even my son noticed it, I thought it was because he was taken over the bills & gotten a new job making a lot less money & was just under 2 much stress. I don't know why or what brang to the conclusion that I felt he and the woman he worked with were up to something. I began investigating & found phone records of texting all hours of the night, while I was sleeping or when I was busting my butt at my second job. I conforted him and he acted completely innocent that I was never home (I was making extra money for us to survive) and they were just talking about quitting this job and moving on to another he was offered and told me he was bringing her with him. I was like FOR WHAT b-4 he said she was lazy, good for nothing, ugly, on and on. Well I asked him to stop and it didn't so at first she called me and I did not take her call but after a week I decided to call her and same ole lies. I continue and find an email he sent once he left that job (she stayed at the old job) saying how much he missed her touch and how he was had deep feelings for her and he did not want to be the cause for her divorce and I said that's it I am calling her husband of 24 yrs and he stopped me and said she did not feel the same and had no intention of leaving her husband for anyone and he mistook her shoulder rubs (car mechanics) for come on's! I said what a fool you are. Never apologized to me, will not go to therapy, I called him an emotional cheater in which he said no such thing until I found an article on MSN on it and sent it to him. He claimed he deleted it. Well it has been about 5 weeks now and he acts talks like we are going to work on us. (I was willing) He blames me for having no affection for him. I admit I have not been affectionate enough (pre-menopausal and on anti depressents which make my desires drop even more) but he said we will take it day by day and if nothing changes in 3 months he is moving out. Okay I sometime am fine with that sometimes not. He changed all his passwords but I can see he text messing is coming to his cell phone from an email address but that only shows up as 0000024256 or something like that. Cell company can not tell me where thet are orginating from. Two days ago for the second time I tried to be affectionae with and he gets up and goes to the bathroom and then stays up when I brought it up to him last night he does not remember then I said I feel like your not attracted to me anymore he responded sometimes he is not. When I act like an a** and then pretended to fall asleep. Then he will talk about a year from now we will build a deck. He has no clue what he wants and I cannot handle this much longer. He says I want him to make a decision now and he can not do that. Confused.....I don't know what to do anymore and my firends have never been in this situation and I am just looking for someone who can relate to me. Sorry for the length.

[This message edited by lmartinez1960 at 3:49 PM, June 7th (Monday)]

lmartinez1960,

I'm so sorry you have a need for this site...but, glad you found us. Welcome!

I would start reading in the Healing Library in the top left corner.

I would post your story in the Just Found Out forum. It gets a lot more attention. This forum is great too...just more focused on the unique qualities of an EA.

An emotional affair (EA) is just as devistating as a physical affair (PA). Do not let him discount the betrayal that has happened. Also, be prepared...it is often the case that a PA has also happened. 99.9% of wayward spouses (WS) will only cop to what they have been caught doing. You may need to do some digging to get to the truth.

A pre-requisite for reconciliation (R) is no contact (NC) with the affair person (AP).

see: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_ws.asp#FAQ9

hang in there,

jc

[This message edited by Just Crushed at 4:15 PM, June 7th (Monday)]

I too have had to deal with EA and I will tellyou that they mostly are not just EA. When I found out my BF was talking to another woman and talking about me I went kind of crazy on him. I just felt like he had betrayed everything in our relationship. I felt that there was nothing special for the two of us. I felt violated and cheated. I look at him now and wonder why he has to be that way???

I'm a member of this group too - hate to be here but working on R. Lots of years invested in M - H wants to stay together and does everything but breathe for me. EA devastated me - at my age or any age it is more than difficult. Some days can't breathe because of the damage that was done. Hard to believe H had 2 lives and I never knew it - I suspected something but when I questioned him - he made excuses. Lots of hurt, anger, crying, swallowing problems, breathing problems, nightmares - just a really bad roller coaster ride. Over 24 months out but still hurting and still trying to heal. God bless all who are here. I guess the only thing I can say is if you both want to stay in the marriage and you both fight for it - I believe it can happen - bad days will happen for sure and decisions are hard to make at times - sometimes I'm not sure if I made the right decision - but a friend of mine who recently divorced sent me this email - "when we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot." Sometimes I'm in a knot - so bad I can't see straight - so many mornings when I got for a swim - I just cry and cry - I don't know where the tears come from. I was never a crier, always a strong person and I was always dependent on H and independent from H, now I'm a crier and a needy person, someone I do not like but I guess I have to be this persn for a while as we work through this R. I have read a lot of the books in the Healing Libray and so has H. They help a lot - I just finished Five Love Languages - difficult to get through - read it with an open mind - my mind was closed but I finally got through it. Hope everyone here has a good day - and know that when you have a bad day - it's OK. You're all in my prayers.

Iamsurviving I am so sorry for your pain. I truly hope that your R will work for you.

For me, I'm still embroiled in this freaking neverending nightmare. My H is refusing to give up his "friend" even though he knows that it is wrong and hurting me. It has been going on now for 3 years. I am done now, had absolutely enough and either he really truly ends it this time with her or we are most certainly going to end. Somehow he has it in his head that I simply will not leave because I cannot survive on my own without him. He is dead wrong and will come to find out how wrong pretty quickly here if it doesn't end now!

She is an old friend of mine so I have been double-betrayed and I too like you am physically ill over this whole experience! Hang in there and good luck!

I am just getting ready to find out which way we are headed after 28 years of marraige and raising three beautiful children together.

Jeanne

Unfortunately, I'm part of this group too. WH had a 10 year EA with a fellow coworker who was also a friend of mine.

It is suppose to over with but I'm not assuming that to be 100% the truth.

Because of his EA, I found myself again. I've spent 23 years being Mrs So and So, I lost my individuality.

I also lost my JOY. Joy of life, joy of job, joy of afterwork activities, joy of extended family, joy of my kids.

I pray that I get my JOY back. WH is working hard to show me that he's back on track but of course, I dont trust him anymore so its hard to believe him. He just has to show me by living right. It will show.

My H has been talking to every woman on the planet it seems except me! I feel like the secretary at work knows more about him than I do at this point. He started talking to an ex hook up (can't even really call her a gf) about a year ago. Her H is deployed by told her he was unhappy before he left. Guess that is when she reached out to my H online. I have recently found a text from her- it was pretty innocent- but he deletes his history so I'm "lucky" I even found that one. He has a prepaid phone so there is no paper trail. When I confronted him about her and the phone calls in March he went NUTS! He stormed out of our house and was gone for over 6 hours and then NOTHING was said about it again. She is moving back to town and I am terrified that PA will start.

Hi Star and Nuts!

Welcome to this very unfortunate group. But at least we all have each other to lean on for support, advice and all. I do know how you're feeling my DH now WS has been in an EA with my once upon a time very good friend and neighbor who lives just down the road a few blocks.

I am so heartsick, feeling like I have just been hit by a MACK truck and then again as it took another turn backwards...........

But I am also angry the emotions are raw and like nothing I've ever felt before!

My WH has had two EA's that I know of. He doesn't like the term "affair" because he said he did not care about either one of them, but was just looking for attention. Right.

My question for you SI folks - Are there really affairs that are only emotional, or do they most or all become physical? I am not sure if a PA would hurt me more, but knowing that he lied about them NOT being PAs would hurt.

Any thoughts?