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Sorrowful Moon wasn’t addressing A1. They were addressing the person they quoted (I think longsadstory).

[This message edited by SoMelancholy at 8:36 PM, February 14th (Wednesday)]

Suicicde is not a selfish act.

You know what most every one who has attempted suicide will say I’m relation to their loved ones? They don’t want to be a burden to others. That those close to them would be better off without them. Their pain is too great for them to see their own value to anyone. They’ll also tell you: “I just wanted the pain to stop, and could not see another way out.”

Please, did the love of all that’s good, stop spreading the misconception that it’s a selfish act. It’s like telling a depressed person to “just snap out of it.” It’s not simple and there’s no reality based perception about new beginnings or hope to fall back on when you’re in a hole that deep.

A1, I agree with others that this doesn’t change your course of action. You take care of you, and you figure out how to best approach this with your daughters. I would contact her sister (who told you, after all) and let her know that if she or WW don’t tell the girls, you will. Not to humiliate her, but because family secrets have lead to nothing good for you all in the past and you have to do what’s in the girls best interests always. This gives her the chance to frame how she wants to tell them and/or even invite them to one of her therapy appointments. Obviously, what they do at that point is up to them. But that’s the whole point— then your girls can make an informed decision on how to proceed with their mom, armed with all the information. It’s what we ask for as WW and it’s also what your girls deserve in this situation.

All the best to you, A1. Sending hugs and peace to you, to your ex, and to your girls.

no somelancholy. Re-read the entire post.

Not trying to blow up the thread but she made the ww the victim here IMO at least at this point of the relationship (or lack thereof)

great post by mamabear

Western, I am all about Waywards owning up to the damage that they've caused. We're all very critical towards A1's WW. The way she betrayed him is truly awful. I am 100% in A1's corner in this situation, and I strongly agree with his decision to D. I was not being sympathetic to her, just describing her mindset and why I was afraid she might be lead to this point. I don't think anything I said was giving her "props".

A lot of people on here tend to de-humanize Waywards, especially WWs. They are still people. They have feelings, and their feelings still matter. They have people who still care about them, value them and love them. People who would be devastated to lose them. I don't know A1's WW, and I never will. I don't really think I'd want to know her. But I certainly don't want her to kill herself. I don't want the people who care for her to feel that kind of devastation.

I just kinda thought maybe they should get his WW on the path to not wanting to kill herself before they proceed with the D. Not telling him to wait for a long time. My advice simply was that there are currently more important things happening, and maybe just don't have her sign any papers or make any big decisions at this time.

I just kinda thought maybe they should get his WW on the path to not wanting to kill herself before they proceed with the D

This was the path I pursued.

Not saying it was right or wrong. I am saying that taking a step back and revaluating things is worth doing.

At no point did I ever want my wife dead, nor did I think she ever deserved anything like that.

Great point to make at this time, not. The poor woman is at the end of her tether, I hope you are proud of yourself. No doubt you will come back to say it was all her own fault. A truly empathetic person...

Western, the above portion of sorrowfulmoon’s post was directed to the person that was being quoted (longsadstory).

Only afterward did sorrowfulmoon address A1, and that was done respectfully - wishing him and his daughters good luch dealing with his wife’s situation and praising his integrity.

Sorry to t/j, but you’re misconstruing sorrowfulmoon’s words and intent. No one on this thread is finding any fault in A1’s actions, sorrowfulmoon included. He learned of the news and rushed immediately to his wife’s side. He showed compassion when they were signing the separation documents. He is proceeding with divorce as he should, but he clearly cares for his wife and wants her to be safe.

A1

You are a good man. It speaks volumes with your empathy towards your wife. Not that I have to tell you that you did the right thing.

Ask your IC but I do think your girls need to know. It is their mom and she needs support. No one deserves to go through this alone.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Space ghost,

That might actually be the shittiest comment I’ve read in awhile. And, I’ve read some shitty comments. But, in the context of AO’s update? Fucking low.

AO, I truly hope you and your daughters are ok. I hope your wife get the psychiatric care she obviously needs. Please know that after a suicide attempt, the next few months are crucial. Very often, within a short timeframe, she may try again.

I know you’re divorcing. I know it may not be your responsibility anymore, but she will always be the mother of your children.

I wish you all peace moving forward.

I don’t want to come off as insensitive, and I certainly don’t want further harm to come to A1’s WW. However, I must take issue with the assertion that the WW’s suicide attempt was a sign that she cannot live without A1. Let’s say A1 never learned of the affair, and suddenly the WW found herself widowed. Does anyone seriously believe she would attempt suicide in such a circumstance? I don't think so. I believe her suicide attempt stems from her loss of status, the shame accompanying that loss, and a soul crushing sense of guilt. She may have attempted to take her own life over what she did to him, but that is not the same as being unable to live without him.

[This message edited by EarsEyesTongue at 11:11 PM, February 14th (Wednesday)]

That might actually be the shittiest comment I’ve read in awhile. And, I’ve read some shitty comments.

I agree, this is the worse comment in a good while. FROM YOU!!!!! Not Spaceghost!

Check yourself before you defend a cheater.

Not a shitty comment. It shows compassion, which seems to be lacking more and more on the JFO forum. It's getting harder to read some of this stuff. Oh and by the way I'm a FORMER BS.

There is one GEB

Tough story, A1. You're doing great, though.

One message I would keep sharing with your WW is that for the first time in almost 20 years, she has the opportunity to live as an honest person. No more need for lies, because there is nothing left to hide. It is a curse to have the facade ripped off, that she has probably spent most of her daily energy maintaining, but it can also be a gift. She can be free of her own bull****. It reminds me of one of those science fiction movies where the character runs out of oxygen and takes off their mask, and finds they can actually breathe the atmosphere. Lies have been her oxygen. She probably lied to herself most of all.

But she needs to not lie to her children about her suicide attempt, and you need to not be a party to it. Lies got you to this point in the first place. Their time is past.

Full speed ahead on your new path. Read my signature line, what will you do with your one wild, precious life?

Sending strength!

AI

Once again: Your biggest asset is time.

Use it.

Use it to fully understand divorce. A part of the Big D is the emotional detachment. It’s the realization that you are separating not only the financial aspects, but also relinquishing your right and obligation to be involved in your former spouse’s life other than how it impacts your children.

Your “kids” are mature women. Both could enlist, both could be parents, both are legally independent of you. Your “obligations” as a parent with CHILDREN are over and you are left with the obligations you choose to have and the interaction they want to have. There is a difference…

This does NOT mean you are emotionless towards your ex-wife or aren’t concerned about her well-being. But it does mean that you let go of the outcome because you no longer impact it. If she decides tomorrow to pack her bags and move to Nigeria you couldn’t stop it. If she decides to marry Joe down the street you can’t stop it. Not any more than she can prevent you from joining a cult or dating or buying a Porsche.

Your relationship changes from husband and wife to – at best – friends. More common is indifference. Show her the concern and care as if she was a friend. Involve yourself in what she’s doing as if she was a friend. Not a family-member because you fired her from that role.

Like I said: Your biggest asset has always been time.

You have all the issues lined up. There is a separation agreement, a settlement regarding assets and all that. In fact, there is a check on the table. It’s over. All that’s left is to stamp the final papers.

If you think it would help her reach a better place to accept what sounds as inevitable… then consider delaying the next step in formalizing the finality of the divorce. I take it that legally you have to wait a year anyways, and having the papers sitting in your attorney’s out-tray for a couple of months might be more compassionate than having them filed at court and simply waiting for the correct date. Same result – but milder approach.

I agree with you, Fenderguy. Great post. We all wish for her healing too

somelancholy,

I get sorrowfulmoon was addressing 1952 but it was this line "No doubt you will come back to say it was all her own fault" that I was responding to.

And all I was saying was that it is A1's WW's fault that this predicament exists.

That is a fact. Not a judgment and not being nasty.

You misconstrued what I was responding to

I also agree and gave tons of credit for A1's compassion. I think that was evident in my post

It was great to hear from SG007.

I am just hoping that this thread keeps on track and doesn't turn into fighting anymore.

I am looking forward to A1's next post. Hopefully it's more positive.

The fact that A1's WW nearly succeeded in killing herself tells me that she is truly despondent and not just being manipulative in trying to get him back.

I agree with those who believe she may try to commit suicide again. I hope A1 enlists his daughter's help on this one and helps his WW's sister in developing a gameplan regarding WW.

WW may have relinquished the right to be A1's wife but he still cares about her and I would hate to hear her hurting herself or worse

My view on suicide attempts is that it’s a completely different ballgame than infidelity and is a subject that requires significant professional help.

There is quite literally nothing that A1 can do but support his children and encourage his STBX to receive professional help in whatever degree he is comfortable. He should not deal with her directly unless advised by both his and her IC (and legal representation of course)