SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was contemplating a reply, but WWTL nailed what i was thinking about.

One action I would add, depending on when you sent the OBS letter … you should follow up with a phone call where you hear her tell you live she received your letter and let her know you’re willing to share info.

Kudos on contacting OBS. We’ve been there and just want to help.

You have asked, "what consequences should look like". In my opinion that is not the correct perspective.

I believe you should ask, "what has my WW done in a verifiable and concrete way that clarifies who/what she is" and what that means to you sir.

For example, I believe you stated she slept with the OM only once "as you were so diligent in keeping tabs on her". I have a question, if this was such a short one-time liason, why would a 40-year-old have risked everything after discovery to create a TikTok account for continued contact? TikTok accounts are not something native to that age group, thus she spent time and effort creating this clandestine communication method. Why would she "double down" on the contact when she knew what it would mean to you? What does it say about her core character? agenda? plan? respect for you and the family, and what damage her continued contact would to you.

These are the questions you should start asking more than "consequences".

What time and effort has she verifiably done to save your marriage and family? You are taking all the burden, what burden does she actually have? You keep the affair a secret due to the embarrassment of people knowing. I can assure you, people already know, a friend, a family member....someone knows because she told them perhaps not in words, but she told them. The only person you are hurting by keeping a secret is yourself, you are taking all the consequences while shielding the perpetrators.

Considering she took the affair underground, after dday, I don't believe for one second that she fired him as a client.

She called him as soon as she got to the office,and told him you knew. They then collaborated on how to protect him,and hopefully keep his wife from finding out. He then quit her business, so she could tell you she fired him.

And,if you told her about the letter you sent OBS, you can bet he is doing everything possible to intercept that letter,or stop his wife from reading it. Call his wife.

You sound like you want to rugsweep. Don't. That will get you another dday.

DH, my story is a cautionary tale. One that hopefully stands as a warning to others. My desire to get past my betrayal as quickly as possible by rugsweeping, minimizing, and failing to take the strong actions that are being recommended to you here set me up for YEARS of drawn out pain, hurt and emptiness. I wish to god that I had half of the input youve received and the fortitude to carry it out (this was wayyyy before SI was around and I was wandering around blind, deaf and dumb). Start by telling the OBS, think long and hard about what YOU want.

I am not overstating the fact that your future health and happiness depend on the strong actions you need to take today.

Consequences does sound like your doling out punishment but I don't think that is what most of us mean when we say it. We're talking about the results she earned by betraying you.

The results so far are:

You don't trust her
You're in pain
Your marriage is on the brink of collapse

You can add more especially as you live with this reality over time (i.e. anger might show up, sex drive might plummet).

Now ask YOURSELF, how can any of those things be healed FOR YOU? We have a standard checklist around these parts but it's really what YOU NEED to start trusting her. What does that look like for you?

Let's say you need the whole story and as verifiable as you can manage. Then you ask for that, go about getting it and hold that line if/when she balks. If she balks too long and too hard, then you can't rebuild trust.

One by one think (or write down) the impact / results of her affair on you and your marriage. Then decide what you need to start resolving them. She may view that as punishment but you shouldn't and neither should you.

It's actually you trying to save your marriage.

You've done pretty well these last few weeks getting to the bottom of things. What you've told us: your long-married wife had an emotional and physical affair with some asshole, lied to you, took the affair underground. It took you threatening divorce to snap her out of it. She's blown your marriage up. You've got kids and would like to repair the marriage.

Now what?

1) Try to get to the bottom of your wife's awful behaviour. Individual counselling for her to understand what the hell is wrong with her, and adopt strategies to fly right from now on.

2) I think you need to be a bit selfish in your marriage from now on. Look, having read many stories like yours over the years, there is a significant chance your wife cheats again. Sorry to say that to you, but it often happens. I advise you to undertake a program of self improvement and learn/relearn to do things that make you happy, do things on your own and with your friends. You may well find yourself divorced, start working on a 2.0 improved version of you. If you stay married, great, you're a more confident, attractive man in your marriage.

3) Trusting your wife at this early stage after her cheating is a mistake. She's messed up, wobbly, to some degree still has cheating and the other man on her mind. This is the 'fun' of reconciliation - trying to rebuild trust with a cheater while not trusting her.

4) No matter that your wife pleaded not to talk to a lawyer, I would talk to one if I were you. Get the lay of the land about what divorce would look like for your marriage where you live. And I'd tell her you've spoken to a lawyer, drives the point home you're not OK with her trashy behaviour and she better not take you for granted again.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 12:34 AM, Wednesday, August 17th]