SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lying here in bed, unable to sleep, thinking about this sad situation. Your story has shaken me to my core since your very first post, when I was but a mere lurker. Everybody's story on here is equally heartbreaking, don't get me wrong. Something about this one really struck a chord with me. I had hopes that your WW would be able to find her way, and finally be able to be free of her terrible choices in the past. Just awful, I'm praying for your family.

I'll just echo what others have said; you did the right thing by you to pursue a divorce. You seem like you treated her very fairly and with as much love and respect as you possibly could, given the situation. From our point of view, you made all the right moves. Her suicide was not at all your fault, and I pray that you know this. So tragic.

I have long been impressed with your level-headedness, A1. For your wife to exist within that double life - the damage that level of cognitive dissidence inflicts, to have that compartmentalized history exposed - well, its not surprising it resulted in her serious depression.

Hold your daughters and lean into each other to weather this traumatic experience. I hope your girls are in therapy. They will have doubts, no matter what their rational brains tell them...they will privately question if things could’ve ended differently. They will have regrets....your poor girls.

Throughout this ordeal, you’ve conducted yourself with class and restraint. You’ve remembered the good in your marriage, and the good in your wife. In case there’s any doubt in your traumatized soul right now, your choices did not cause this result. Your actions and choices were very typical for this sort of betrayal. Your wife was ill. Depression kills, and I am so very sorry your wife’s condition distorted her judgement and her perception of the future, and the possibility of healing and contentment in her new direction. Prayers of healing for you and your girls, and prayers of peace for your wife.

(((A1&DD’s)))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:49 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]

I can’t put into words just how sorry I am for your loss. No matter you say about your spouse, it is clearly obvious that the two of you raised two extraordinary young women. I am not a particularly religious man, but I hope that God grants you peace and serenity soon.

On a side note, I just told my cheating wife that I am going through with the divorce. This is my biggest fear

Dear A1 my condolences to you and your daughters. I hope that you find the courage to bear this loss. Just remember that once you both shared a life and loved each other. Your daughters come from that place of love. Look after each other and stay well. (())

I hope that you, your daughters, and your wife find peace soon.

I remember you were having health issues during the trauma you've suffered. Please don't forget to take care of yourself.

A1,

please pop back once in a while and let us know you are doing ok.

Again, my best wishes for your family and my prayers for your wife.

Please see Fenderguy's post above. He put my thoughts out there much better than I could have. Your story is core shaking but you are a strong person and will persevere. God bless you man

A1, you and your daughters have my deepest condolences. I’m so sorry for the pain you are all experiencing and for this devastating loss. I pray your wife is now at rest.

It is shameful that people are posting about his wife’s supposed “selfishness” and “abuse” when she’s not even cold in her grave. This was a woman in great pain who had deep anguish and regret over her hurtful actions. A1 loved this woman and she was the mother of his children. Such remarks are insensitive given the circumstances and are also not helpful.

A1, I hope that you and your daughters are utilizing grief counseling at this difficult time, and that you have loved ones to help support and be there for the three of you

.

Well said SoMelancholy

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 9:50 AM, March 30th (Friday)]

^^^^100% agree. Shameful!! I feel embarrassed for them.

A1 thoughts and prayers for you and your family during this most awful time.

My deepest sympathy. You and your daughters are in my thoughts and prayers. Peace be with you all.

Oh no.

It was a lot for her to face. Depression is terrible; It warps one's thinking about the future. Watch your daughters like a hawk!

Remember that you did right by her in this situation. Likewise your daughters' were reacting normally to this as well. There is no reasonable way you or your two daughters could have prevented her from doing what she did. Understand that. I hope you have counseling to resolve the inevitable irrational doubts you and especially your daughters will likely have over this. Again you handled her betrayal with class and compassion.

Take care of yourself and those kids!

Your wife is innocent now. The slate is clean.

May she rest in peace.

let me add a piece here to go against what 'someloncholy" wrote.

We did not add to this thread about the damages his wife did to further the pain. We all treated her with kid's gloves to an extent after time went on.

There were about 5 of us who mentioned her affair after his wife committed suicide.

The reason we brought it up was because AmbivalentOne in his post almost sounded like he was blaming himself for his WW's demise and suicide.

We are here for A1. He is the one who was damaged in this process. He is the one left standing who we need to support.

We are trying to ensure him that his filing for D did not cause his wife to commit suicide but that the actions that led to that event were her's alone.

None of us are trashing her after she died. We actually feel very badly over it.

However, we have a duty on this board to support A1 and if that duty requires us to remind him that none of this is his fault, so be it. Because none of it is !!!!!

We can all feel badly over what his wife did in both the affair and suicide. Horrible story.

However, I am not going to let A1 take the hit on this and feel depressed over it.

Our concern should be him at this point and those trying to attack others who are defending him and trying to get him into thinking that he was on the right side of this mess are the ones who are truly sad.

[This message edited by Western at 9:36 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

I guess my reading of A1’s post is much different. I don’t see him blaming himself at all. Actually he is by far one of the most balanced and emotionally intelligent individuals that posts here. It is possible for an emotionally healthy individual to mourn someone without feeling responsible for his/her actions. There’s nothing wrong with reassurce either. However, I don’t understand the need to lower person B in order to lift up person A in order to accomplish that goal..

[This message edited by KingRat at 11:04 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

I am sorry, heartbroken for you and your daughters. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please, continue to take care of yourself.

you may read it your way. I saw a different response.

Again, you are on an infidelity board and our goal is top help the original poster.

A1 clearly showed a problem with his divorcing her and the fact that she killed herself.

#1 our job is to make sure that A1 knows this had nothing to do with her situation

#2 Yes he mourns her. I would too in his situation but part of his post reflected back as to whether he did the right thing or not. He did the right thing

#3 Everyone here supports him. So why do a handful of posters try to start world war 3 by attacking posters who are supporting A1 ?

Answer up Kingrat or someloncholy.

The deal is that your battle is with a ghost because we all support this guy but he is taking the hit and he shouldn't.

Enough said

[This message edited by Western at 11:41 PM, March 30th (Friday)]

Western, this isn’t third grade. I stand by EVERY word I said. Insensitive remarks about A1’s deceased wife is not how you show support to a grieving poster. Of course A1 is not to blame for her depression and unfortunate suicide. However, making such remarks at a time like this is reprehensible, period; you can swallow the excuse of wanting to “reassure” him with those crude statements if you want.

And since this is about A1, if you wish to continue this inappropriate discussion, create your own thread to do so. I’m not entertaining this any further.

Back to you, A1. I know you mentioned that you and your daughters are currently struggling. It is my hope you have reached out to the Employee Assistance Program or some other resources through your employer, or through your church or community. There are some very specific resources for dealing with grief and trauma as opposed to traditional therapy. I hope you three are able to access some of those. Again, I’m so very sorry.

My heart aches for you and your daughters. I will be praying for all of you. May you find healing and peace. Each of you need a really good IC to help you through this trauma. I’m just so very sorry to hear this tragic turn in your lives. Dealing with the fallout of infidelity is terrible enough. Wishing you so much strength. Keep communication ongoing with your daughters. You all really need each other right now.

I too stand by every word I said somelancholy and no, such words aren't reprehensible, especially when A1's last post showed a hint of regret.

And for the good of the board and A1, I will end it there

[This message edited by Western at 7:21 AM, March 31st (Saturday)]

A1, I cannot imagine how difficult this holiday season must be for you and your daughters. Your family continues to be in my thoughts.

I just wanted to share the titles of a few books that might be helpful if at any point you and/or your daughters feel that reading might assist you as you all process this situation.

-No Time to Say Goodbye by Carla Fine

-Seven Choices by Dr. Elizabeth Neeld

-Rocky Roads by Dr. Michelle Linn-Gust

-The Wilderness of Suicide Grief by Dr. Alan Wolfelt

-Words I Never Thought To Speak by Victoria Alexander

Again, my deepest condolences for your family’s loss. I know that you mentioned that you loved your wife very much despite what happened. I can imagine everything seems so unbelievable at this time. I am so sorry.

You have demonstrated throughout your time on SI that you are an honorable and caring individual and none of this is your fault nor your daughters’ faults; as was mentioned earlier, depression is a very debilitating illness.

This is a horrible situation, but one silver lining is that you and your girls have one another. That doesn’t erase the pain, but hopefully that shared love will help you all to support one another in the days to come.