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Here's the post I saw in its entirety

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I've ( M, 38) been with my wife (36) since 2006, married since 2009.

In July of 2018, my workplace had an end of summer barbecue. It was to be the first time my wife would meet my new boss, James. When she sees him, she tells me that he was the James that she was seeing months before I met her. She had been single for about 8 months when I met her.

Once she saw him she wanted to go home. She didn't want to say hi or catch up or even let him know know that she was now married to me. I told her to stop being ridiculous and called him over. He was surprised but very friendly. After a couple minutes he wandered off and that was that as we didn't interact with him the rest of the day as there were hundreds of people there.

Two days later she tells me that James called her cell phone while he and I were both at work. He had gotten it off my employee electronic record that lists my emergency contact. He was trying to start a sexual affair with her. She told him to go fuck himself. He threatened to "tell me everything". My wife was shaking as she told me this. Apparently she was more adventurous during that time of her life, but as she had started "growing up", she told him she was no longer comfortable with that life. He didn't agree, wanted to keep things the way they were. This led to them going their separate ways, albeit much to James's resistance.

I probed her on what he had on her. She said they did anal. She has always told me she didn't like it. She says she discovered she didn't like it while with him. Ok....whatever. I'm fine with that. But im not fine with him calling my wife and trying to sexually blackmail her.

I confront him the next day at work. I record the conversation without him knowing. I tell him what he did had so many things wrong with it that he's lucky that I value my job and my lack of a criminal record. However if he ever calls her or communicates with her in any way ever again, I would beat his ass right there in the office in front of everyone. I told him I'd embarrass him and make him cry. He countered with offering me the biggest raise possible when the time came in two months if I would just tell her to have sex with him for a couple of months. I repeated my threat and walked off. As I was walking off he said he had something for me. I thought it was a threat.

Two days later a plastic bag is on my desk when I get to work. In it is a DVD. I figured it was a sex video with him and my wife. It was much worse. It was my wife having a 4-some with James and 2 other guys. It eventually became a 5-some when the cameraman joined in for a bj. I'll get into more details on the video's contents later.

I was sickened, nauseated and infuriated. I showed my wife and she lost it. Crying that that's not her anymore. She's changed. Please don't judge her. Everything you would think she'd say.

I called the police and filed a report. Also went to my HR with the recording along with the video. Following an internal investigation, he was fired 3 weeks later. And last month, October 16th, about 15 months later, he was found guilty of revenge porn and sentenced to 4 months jailtime and a fine of several thousand dollars. He will also be listed as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

All good, right? Nope....

Now that that's over I don't know if I can stay with my wife. Seeing her on that video has permanently damaged how I look at her. Early in our relationship she brought up the topic of our sexual histories. I told her that she was #8 for me. She said I was her 5th. She also asked me about threesomes and I told her I'd never had one. She said all of her experiences were one on one as well. That was also when the topic of anal, facials and swallowing were brought up by her, with her claiming to not like anal and to having never done the other two.

The tape says otherwise. First off...me being number 5...that's only possible if the 4 guys in the video are numbers 1 thru 4. And the sex acts in the video pretty much cancel out the rest of her side of our conversation. In it shes yelling to stick it in her ass, to cum in her throat, to cover her face and tits with their cum. Shes very vocal, yelling to treat her like the whore she is. At one point she's on top of one guy, another is behind her and the third is standing in front of her, in her mouth. Right when I thought it was over the cameraman comes over and puts himself in her mouth and goes at it until he finishes in her mouth.

All I've ever gotten is missionary, doggie and her on top. As far as bjs go, she does it but only if I ask and it's very uninspired, nothing close to how she did it in the video.

Since seeing the video 16 months ago I haven't touched her. And with the legal aspect of it over and no longer distracting me, all I think about now is the video. As far as sex with her....i tried but I can no longer get aroused with her. She disgusts me. She disappoints me. And I obviously don't "do it" for her the way they did. Comparing how she was so sexually charged with them to how she is with me, I figure I must repulse her.

She's trying everything to get us started sexually again. Lingerie, romantic vacations, walking around naked, offering everything I saw in the video. It just all seems so forced. I was obviously the nice guy that offered a stable future...the guy that would always treat her well and never cheat. I wasnt a bad boy like James. She knew I'd take her sexual scraps and be happy with them. And I guess I just didn't make her want sex the way they made her want it. But now I do? Fucking please...

She cries almost every day. She feels me getting further away from her. She says its unfair to judge her on that video. I counter with it was unfair to mislead me about who she really was. And I don't get how she claims to love me over everyone else but she didn't want me sexually like she did all the others. Yes, ALL the others. We've talked so much since this started...she was wild with all her past lovers, but she changed with me. She wanted to be better. Well, aren't I the lucky one?

And I know I'll get judged for this but I don't really give a shit....a fivesome?! A fucking FIVESOME?! Getting gangbanged by 4 guys at once?! I would never have pursued a relationship with her knowing she was a slut. That's how I see her now.

I know I'm all over the place. I mean, am I upset that she fucked 4 guys at the same time? Or am I upset that she didn't give me the same effort sexually that she gave them? Honestly, I could probably live with either/or. I mean, if she was just having wild monkey sex with one guy, I'd probably be over it by now. If it was the same sex acts I got with 4 guys, it probably would've taken a little longer but I think I'd be over that by now as well. But the fact that she did those things that she's never done with me with 4 guys at the same time, and so very enthusiastically, yet I've always been denied those acts...that's what kills me. It's like I'm not good enough for her to do that with, but those 4 fucksticks were. It's mind boggling...I mean, James is not a good looking guy and his friends looked like the 3 stooges. Yet I'm denied her sexual best and they got it. They got it at the same time which really grosses me out.

Idk what to do. We have 2 kids, M8 and F6. I can't stand the thought of not seeing them every day. But I also can't stand the thought of waking up next to her every day either. I miss sex. Not with her, but I miss it. I especially miss the intimacy that comes with it. But the thought of intimacy with her is stomach turning. I've tried. Many times. Tried pushing through it. Tried alcohol. Tried watching porn with her. Nothing works.

I'm not sure how much longer I can stay with her. A part of me still loves her....loves who i thought she was.

Does anyone have any suggestions on getting thru this? Or should I stop the pain and call it quits?

Before you say it, I've done therapy. For almost 6 months. Got nowhere. Hated it. Not going back.

TLDR: wife used to be my ex-boss's SO. He found out I was with her. Sent me a sex video of him and 3 other guys fucking the bejeezus out of her. I pressed charges and won. Now I can't get past my wife's actions in the video.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:58 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

^^ Basically my story, sans the video of it and the multiple guys at one time (AFAIK, anyway).

RIO...

Have you ever told your story on here?

Like I said before this sounds concocted.

Have you ever told your story on here?

No, I told it on another A forum. That was traumatizing enough for me.

Like I said before this sounds concocted.

I have no problem believing it.

- I once dated a girl that used to date my (at that time) boss.

- I know a guy that fixed an old computer of his wife's and there was a sex video of her on it. It caused much chaos on their marriage for a while.

- and we see stories here all the time whe the WW does EVERYTHING with everyone but her H

I can see these worlds all colliding at once with as many people that there are in the world.

I know I'm all over the place. I mean, am I upset that she fucked 4 guys at the same time? Or am I upset that she didn't give me the same effort sexually that she gave them? Honestly, I could probably live with either/or. I mean, if she was just having wild monkey sex with one guy, I'd probably be over it by now. If it was the same sex acts I got with 4 guys, it probably would've taken a little longer but I think I'd be over that by now as well. But the fact that she did those things that she's never done with me with 4 guys at the same time, and so very enthusiastically, yet I've always been denied those acts...that's what kills me. It's like I'm not good enough for her to do that with, but those 4 fucksticks were. It's mind boggling...I mean, James is not a good looking guy and his friends looked like the 3 stooges. Yet I'm denied her sexual best and they got it. They got it at the same time which really grosses me out.

Even though it was stated, in first post this provides context to the issue: He didn’t care she lied, he doesn’t value having a few sexual partners (he had 8; 3 more than he believed she had), the gang bang was an issue but not the ultimate pain. His issue is that she did everything enthusiastically with others and not with him. Had she done it with him—she’s amazing. The fact she did it was others—she’s a “slut.”

While this is the definition of slut shaming, I’m going to be objective and can understand his pain while also supporting women and their right to choose to do what they want with their bodies and should be free of stigmatization.

Let’s take this example: This guy bought his ex elaborate gifts and made wildly romantic gestures; he gave his wife vanilla gifts and never did anything more than dinner for on special occasions. His wife finds out and is obviously hurt because she is supposedly the love of his and yet he doesn’t make 1/4 of the effort he made with his ex. He tells her that is because he was trying to impress his ex but doesn’t need to put on airs with his wife because he knows she loves him for who he is. Moreover, he never enjoyed it, his efforts nearly bankrupted him, and now he is taking extra money to save for his family.

Obviously, the example given is not analogous because romantic gestures are not the same as allowing someone to intimately have access to your body. I’m fully supportive and believe women having 100% sexual autonomy even with their SOs. They shouldn’t feel obligated to give themselves to anyone.

I can feel for this guy insofar as he feels like he’s not good enough even though he’s the love of her life. Now, obviously her reasons may be she doesn’t want to do any of that because it brings back horrible memories of her ex. That’s perfectly understandable. I feel for her that she asked for none of this and was the victim of her ex and she is losing her husband because of something she did that was legal before she even knew him. This situation just sucks.

[This message edited by KingRat at 8:59 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

That, to me, is the key: “before she even knew him.” No one is entitled to a sex act(s) because s/he did it previously with someone else. I don’t understand why that’s even up for debate. But yet, with these types of threads, it always is.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 8:24 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

The point of getting the whole story is, to me, that she deceived him.

She lied. And, he got to find out she lied by a very vulgar, play by play video.

She owed him no particular sex acts. Just the truth when asked.

She took away his agency when she lied to him.

I can remember when we called that a terrible thing to do.

His issue is that she did everything enthusiastically with others and not with him. Had she done it with him—she’s amazing. The fact she did it was others—she’s a “slut.”

To me, I read it and see that it's more that she did it with 4 guys at once as the more major issue.

That, to me, is the key: “before she even knew him.” No one is entitled to a sex act(s) because s/he did it previously with someone else. I don’t understand why that’s even up for debate. But yet, with these types of threads, it always is.

If I really liked a girl and she told me she didn't do "sex act x", never has and never will, I could accept that and move forward with her. To find out that was a lie, and especially a lie that she initiated, and she just didn't want it with me, it would be game over.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 9:40 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

His issue is that she did everything enthusiastically with others and not with him. Had she done it with him—she’s amazing. The fact she did it was others—she’s a “slut.”

I think that's disingenuous. The slut comment came from the foursome. He even said that the crazy sex with one guy would've been easier to get over than vanilla sex with four guys.

She lied about it all. And then the guy gets to watch a video that puts the lie to everything she said.

The number of partners - More

Only one on one sex - Foursome

Doesn't like "adventurous" sex - Begging for it

I bet the video vs being told is a lot like infidelity, you probably think you'd handle it a particular way but once your hit with it everything is different.

she just didn't want it with me

. That’s the issue though here, I can understand how it’s more than likely something that isn’t about him at but how he could feel like it could be,

It’s not a stretch to envision James an abusive person judging by his threats of blackmail and revenge porn. It’s also not a stretch to see that it is very likely it’s something she did to please him and not because she wanted. Therefore, it’s not unreasonable to assume that her reluctant to perform those acts was not a statement about her husband but rather a statement of how those acts reminded her of something she did not want to.

I don’t know their communication or lack thereof. I don’t have all the facts so there is assumptions built in. But without any evidence of bad faith, I won’t assume a disingenuous motive for behavior.

Honestly, I could probably live with either/or. I mean, if she was just having wild monkey sex with one guy, I'd probably be over it by now. If it was the same sex acts I got with 4 guys, it probably would've taken a little longer but I think I'd be over that by now as well. But the fact that she did those things that she's never done with me with 4 guys at the same time, and so very enthusiastically, yet I've always been denied those acts...that's what kills me.

I read that as his main hang up is some other guys got the acts he was denied. If he it was one guy—whatever. Four guys that never got more than him—you’re pushing it. But he’d be damned if it was four guys with those highly coveted sex acts. This is a power struggle between him and the other men. She is the being objectified in this example, thus the issue. She is football that the Cowboys and Bears are using to play the game that determines their worth in relationship to the other.

If he hung has hat on the lying or the fact that he valued minimal partners for himself and others, that would change my analysis. I wouldn’t assume the above; I’m going by his words.

[This message edited by KingRat at 10:42 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Before we digress, kudos to hickingitout and I Bonnie for opening up and given different perspective. Given the topic i know it was difficult to do.

It’s not a stretch to envision James an abusive person judging by his threats of blackmail and revenge porn. It’s also not a stretch to see that it is very likely it’s something she did to please him and not because she wanted. Therefore, it’s not unreasonable to assume that her reluctant to perform those acts was not a statement about her husband but rather a statement of how those acts reminded her of something she did not want to.

Except she told him she enjoyed doing those things and that she enjoyed doing them with EVERY partner before him, not just the 4 in the video. I think the enjoy part was in the comments which have now been deleted. It was basically that she loved doing those things but thought she she grow up or something and OP was the first one she dated after "growing up".

[This message edited by GoldenR at 10:29 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

One thing that has not been touched in this thread is also important. To women...It is ok to bring a little of the "crazy" into the marriage. The Madonna who're complex should be thrown out with girdles. The thought process that you need to be respected as a good girl in the bedroom in order to maintain all respect is simply not true.

As long as we are talking about confessions of your sexual past to your partner, bring the other stuff to the conversation.

What would you like to do for fun?. As long as it is monogomous, most men will be down and still make your coffee in the morning.

Bring some of that crazy sexual history to my bedroom dear wife....please.

The truth is, most men would not like a colorful past, but they can get over it. Just be honest. The sexual boundaries are real, but the reality is, if you treat someone right, get along and love authentically, almost anything can be forgiven or accepted...by men.

I dont think I can say the same thing for women...They do judge...silently.

Interesting 40 pages, alas, life calls.

[This message edited by 66charger at 11:19 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Before we digress, kudos to hickingitout and I Bonnie for opening up and given different perspective. Given the topic i know it was difficult to do.

While there are certain people I wouldn't share this info with (my parents and in-laws come to mind, my coworkers, my kid's teachers...) I got no shame in my game. I did it, I enjoyed it, and I don't see anything wrong with anything I've done sexually because these were all consensual acts with fellow adults. I'm not single, so I'm not searching for another relationship, but if I was, and someone didn't want to date me because of some sex acts I engaged in over a decade ago? Their loss! Because I'm a pretty awesome person and partner.

Besides... at the end of the day, aren't we all (more or less) friends here? All trying to support each other and survive the shitshow that is infidelity, right? I have no problem being honest with my friends.

Good lord, you’re all still at it.

Before I start in on this, I just want to apologize ahead of time, this has taken a turn into something that's triggering as f**k to me. The story that was posted, that's basically my story, that was my W with the AP (minus the video and 5 way) and I'm the guy sitting around dealing with a woman who "has no sex drive" and "doesn't like anything but vanilla". So, if this flies off the rails, apologies ahead of time.

She is the being objectified in this example, thus the issue. She is football that the Cowboys and Bears are using to play the game that determines their worth in relationship to the other.

But isn't that what we all do? How do you determine how much like/love someone has for you? For some people it's a willingness to go exclusive, others a willingness to have sex, other's a willingness to marry, others it's upholding your vows, and yes, others it's a willingness to "open up" sexually. If we all based the amount of love we get from another person on how many "I love you's" we get, well, I can think back to my W's A and say "she loved me then more than ever" because she always said it to me then, often after her sessions with the OM, I'm sure out of guilt. What she didn't do was have sex, uphold her vows, or when we did have sex, provide anything beyond the minimum requirements. So, the question comes, when you're comparing yourself to others, how do you determine you're "ranking"? Is saying "I love you most" it? Or do you look for other indicators to see where you "rank", are the Bears or Cowboys winning?

Bring some of that crazy sexual history to my bedroom dear wife....please.

For me, bring all of it, and then let's write some even crazier sexual histories together. And given that this conversation is a pretty common one for men to have over too much beer, I feel pretty confident in saying it's a relatively universal "want".

was not a statement about her husband but rather a statement of how those acts reminded her of something she did not want to.

That could very well be, but it in no way changes the nature of the relationship today, nor removes any of the pain I'd feel in that situation. I have a decent example of this; a friend of mine has been married and divorced twice. Both D's were very expensive and traumatic for him, lost access to his kids, had to start over financially, lots of heartache and pain for him as a result of his previous marriages. After his 2nd D (which was about 7 or so years ago now), I'd go out with him sometimes with his new girlfriends. He had quite a few over the years, and they all seemed really nice. One day I asked him, "So, you like playing the field, huh". His answer shocked me (I really did just think he liked sleeping with lots of women), "No, RIO, they keep dumping me because I tell them I won't ever get married again". Well that was unexpected. Anyway, the moment he said it, it fell into place for me, sure, that's gonna be a deal breaker for a lot of women at his age, they don't want to keep "dating" they want to get married. He'd had horrible experience with marriage and it was just a "no go" for him... Except that also wasn't true. Yes, he'd had bad experiences with marriage in the past, but, one day I met the "new girl" (I stopped trying to keep up with their names) and then, 6 months later, guess what? He and new girl were engaged. I almost fell out of my chair, but, upon speaking with him after picking my jaw up off the floor, his answer made sense. "She's worth it", which, if I could take some literary license here, to me meant, "She's worth risking the pain for, potentially having an awful experience, and doing something that I do NOT want to do". Applying this back to the quote above, yes, you could say, in fact, I think my friend would have said, "It's not about you" to the girls who dropped him because of his stance on marriage. I'm sure he believed it at the time, and perhaps still does. But the evidence shows otherwise, it WAS about them, because when he met someone else, his stance on marriage changed.

Now, when we apply all that to the discussion of sexual access, that's where the problem lies, and I don't even think that people are aware that they may, in fact, be lying to themselves. There were a few things on my "no" list (I know, everyone try not to spit out your coffee) when I was dating, one, in particular was a VERY HARD no for me. Like NEVER kind of no. Guess what? I do all of them with my W today. Because I love her enough to trust her to do those things with her. So, right or wrong, the same lens gets applied in the other direction. And I'd bet my life that at least sometimes, it's right. It kind of reminds me of a joke/discussion I had with my wife years ago. "Would you ever sleep with a woman". "HARD NO.. Well, unless it was Megan Fox, then maybe". Now, of course, all that was a joke, but there is SOME truth to that joke, which, of course, ties directly back into this issue. "No, I'd never do that", unless the guy/girl was hot enough/sexy enough/attractive enough to me to get me to overcome my notions that I would not enjoy that act. And that's the crux of the pain I feel, and, if a true story, the guy in the quoted text feels.

I’m fully supportive and believe women having 100% sexual autonomy even with their SOs.

And this takes us back to the original topic. So am I, without question, reservation or caveat. I am, however, equally supportive of the right of their partner to decide that their partners sexual autonomy as exercised in the present (I will not do X with you), past (I did X with 85 women before) or future (I will never do X) is a deal breaker and decide to move on regardless if they, themselves, have done (or not done) X before.