SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

and brah..call that woman sooner rather than later. No one is saying it has to be the greatest romance of the century but like you said, fun to flirt and be with someone..why not? Enjoy!

SG, I am glad you are holding your ground and having a good time in Florida.

First of all, good job on rejecting those married women and keeping your morals solid. After someone is cheated on, there are so many ways they can go. They can go out and ‘get as much as they can get’ or they can continue to be moral and not be the ‘OM’ to some other guy who is about to be betrayed. This also goes for women as BS as well. Your way IMO is the way to go.

You suggested that you could have understood it a little better if your wife hooked up with a good looking guy. Obviously, that is you trying to rationalize it a little but there is never an excuse for your WW’s actions, I don’t care if the guy was Derek Jeter. I never get the statement of ‘never intended to leave’ but why would they think that what they were doing was acceptable ? Like you, the physical affair is a deal breaker with me and the mind movies wouldn’t be worth the effort to continue. A long time ago, one of my bosses at work coined a great phrase when he found his son cheating on his girlfriend “At some point, one has to determine if the F****** they get is really worth the F******* they will get." It is too bad your WW never understood this concept but it is clearly her loss, as she realizes.

Yes, some of us projected WW may show up down there. Man she is trying. And it does show IMO that she loves you or may be remorseful. I am glad you treated her with respect while standing your ground. Infidelity has a cost and she paid it. I am sure that her gifts she got from Om wasn’t worth the cost of not being able to grow old with you. While many here would pray for a WW/WH to be as remorseful and putting in the effort she has to make amends, and with their desire to R I wish they would receive that, to others of us, done is done. I get it completely. Maybe someday, she will be in ‘a better place’ for the next guy she meets.

I also applaud you for not taking up your wife’s offer of playing the field while still married and waiting until you get closer to divorce. It shows you have held your moral integrity together despite being betrayed. I know some will disagree but again I get it because now, you answer to yourself and your own standards and that would not be a classy thing to do when she’s chasing you all over trying and you are playing the field. You will get plenty of good opportunities very soon, and morally.

I am also glad that her friends understand how great a guy you are. I am sure that’s tough for WW to hear but maybe it can fix her for the future.

I do wonder how OMW and OM are ? I wonder if she is divorcing him ?

You said this to her “ She deserved a Man who would treat her like she is the most special woman on earth. I could not do that and she needed to find that guy. “

That was a good and class move, though very hard for her to hear.

You also said this “I have a lot more sympathy for my wife right now but when you have sex with another person while you are married there are consequences.” I say ABSOLUTELY !!!

Finally, you said this “ I will keep you posted. Oh and please don’t post to me that the new woman is clouding my judgement. My wife ended our marriage the day she slept with her boss. I had the decency to file and serve her and move on with my life. I could start dating people today but I am giving myself more time to heal. But I feel good about life again.”

Personally, I think your judgment is very clear. Sticking to your morals and gameplan is very decisive. It too will make you feel better about yourself. You could be sitting her two months from now and hold your head high and say that “despite getting cheated on, I still didn’t cheat”. To me, and not many guys IMO could do that, I think it’s admirable. It has nothing to do with the new woman at all.

Thanks for the update and please keep in touch

WOW!

I just read your whole story today. Just your posts.

I wish I would have had this story to look to when my Dday arrived.

Similarities:

1. We had a good marriage (great really, but I have to say good now since he cheated). We had 3 children at the time and one on the way. I was such a great wife. I was fun, pretty, smart, a great mom, organized, grateful, physical fit (ran 3 miles 6 days a week until I got pregnant), and attractive but didn't get pretty to make another man jealous, only to make my husband happy and me too. We had just moved into a beautiful home. We lived in FL at the time for just over a year and we loved it. Life was so good- THEN BOOM.

2. I have always known this was a deal breaker. I have tried to forgive. In fact, I tell him I have forgiven him, I just want to move on with my life. I'm happy to let him move on too. I wrote up my own divorce papers a few days ago and signed them. Stated I emotionally, physically, and spiritually divorce him until it can me made legal.

Dissimilarity:

1. We have young kids. I was so vulnerable in every way when the A was out-ed by OW. I was 28 weeks pregnant. I'm the woman who thought she had it all together. I was ready for this baby, house organized, nursery ready, CAREER ON HOLD!! There is the biggie. I had put my career aside 3 years before with birth of #3 child and a big move up North before moving to FL. MISTAKE!!

I was in so much physical and emotional pain that first year and ended up pregnant again. I wanted the baby after finding out, but what terrible judgment and timing. I was seeing an IC as was so embarrassed to tell him, So i owned it. I am a great mom and love my kids.

I have never come across someone who thinks about this whole Infidelity thing the way I do until I read your posts.

I'm not a mean, ugly, unforgiving person, I just WILL NOT and CANNOT get past the Infidelity. Plain and simple. I have tried for myself, for him, for my kids, for my family, for everyone we know who wants that "happily ever after" thing. I just can't do it. When he cheated, he ended our marriage.

What staying has done:

It has made me less of a person

I barely have any self-esteem

I hide a lot in my home

Insomnia

Beaten me down emotionally, and spiritually

made me a fake

damaged me more than I could have imagined.

We hit the magical 5 year mark this year and NOTHING has happened. The TRUTH has become clearer though. The TRUTH is I DO NOT want to be married to him any more. No he's not a monster, no he is not evil, he was a good husband, he just SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD AN AFFAIR.

Feeling Trapped SG! Be happy that you are not! Enjoy your life to the fullest. I really wish you the best! You are living an authentic and honest life!

Thanks for the update. It seems like you're handling everything well.

How are the kids doing?

Best wishes

the poor justifications of cheating...

I have to say, this annoys me.

Many is the thread on here where people are struggling to understand the 'why' of the affair. Why did they do this? Why, why, why , why, why? Yet when someone points to the results of polls on the 'why' question, they get slammed for attempting to justify it. As if there are actually better reasons than the shallow ones given, and no one has come up with them yet. There seems to be this unspoken assumption that understanding something justifies it in some way.

So are the only acceptable answers to the 'why' questions ones that actually justify it? Make it OK?

I spent a few years in the military doing counter-terror operations. We spent in inordinate amount of time working on understanding why the terrorists did what they did. It didn't mean that we agreed with their bombing of innocent victims, or that they were justified in their actions. We just used that knowledge to better hunt them down.

Big difference between understanding and agreeing.

House of Plane-

Not sure if you will see this. I tried to message you but it didn't work. I see your Dday was in 1986 so you have been past the A for many years. I'm on year 5 and have tremendously hard days when I just truly want to D. No matter the "why", it was just a deal breaker. The kicker is children. If they weren't in the picture I would have moved on. I'm not a cold, unforgiving person. I'm actually SO loyal and faithful and true. That's me.

So how in the world have you managed to stay focused on R? Is your wife super remorseful? If yes, often? My H seems to have moved on. You know- like putting a period at the end of a sentence. I haven't been able to do this. I still think about the A on almost a daily basis- and not by conscious choice 99% of the time. A thought or image or event will pop in my mind and when I'm aware of it I shake my head and try to think about something else, shift my focus, go work out. This is very exhausting after weeks and weeks. Then I crash for a couple of days and pick up again and move on. It's as if my H did the crime, and I do the time of pain and suffering. This isn't a pattern in my life, I've never loved drama- in fact, I avoid everyone who does. I wanted a good marriage and family. I never even thought about cheating EVER!

I wrote up my own divorce papers the other day and gave it to my H along with my rings. I also made an appointment with an attorney for the 1st time to see where I stand. I need to look into getting my license back since the renewal expired bc I was so busy being pregnant/caring for kids the past 5 years.

I think maybe I'm too scared to leave yet too scared to stay. I have been telling myself this morning that the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing while expecting different results. I can't keep doing the same thing- even if I'm scared. I need to just do this thing afraid- have courage- live in the freedom of telling the truth.

Mom-of-4, I turned my messaging on. But a couple of comments for the gallery...

My wife has been remorseful and done all the right things. Pretty much. She's human. No more affairs, E or P.

Our A was when we were young and painfully stupid and immature frankly, and in the cold light of rational thought I saw the pieces I contributed to on my side. We're both extraordinarily stubborn and we just decided to not give up on the marriage.

Really didn't think of it much for 20-some years, and looking back at the memories of those years, I don't remember tormenting myself about it endlessly. What brought me here was just the desire to contemplate on it, I think. Like many others, I'd never discussed it. But I never forgot. Posting here is therapeutic. It is also caustic, a little, as there is a lot of anger here.

Western:

You suggested that you could have understood it a little better if your wife hooked up with a good looking guy. Obviously, that is you trying to rationalize it a little but there is never an excuse for your WW’s actions, I don’t care if the guy was Derek Jeter. I never get the statement of ‘never intended to leave’ but why would they think that what they were doing was acceptable ?

I think some women get turned on by money and power. This OM is a millionaire businessman. What this shows is that OP's WW is very materialistic and gets turned on by a man who can provide to that degree. I would bet that , along with the illicitness of the affair, was what attracted her to the old guy.

Oh and please don’t post to me that the new woman is clouding my judgement. My wife ended our marriage the day she slept with her boss

SG, this statement makes it clear for about the 5th or 6th time that you are not reversing course so I hope all will support you and stop with the R advice finally. You know what you are doing.

her friends, at least the one you heard on VAR, may not have been laughing at you but you stated her friend on VAR had been very supportive of her affair. now of course since it blew up in her face the tune changes.

She would still be at it if you did not catch her, the6-8 times is probably the only out of town hotel excursions, but you can rest assured there was a lot more physical contact with them working together. Would you tell a woman after only having sex with her 6 times that you loved her.

SG, you at least have clarity on purpose guiding your actions. That is why all respect you so much.

You will do just fine. That is for sure.

Would you tell a woman after only having sex with her 6 times that you loved her.

???

There are actual couples out there who wait until they are married to have sex.

To the question "Why do people have affairs?" In most cases the answer is simply because "they think they can get away with it."

Your WW seemingly had never had the occasion to cheat on you until you got a new job and had to travel away for long periods of time. With the kids away to college, nobody was left to check up on her and she did what she thought she could get away with.

You had warned her before you married her of your past history and that you would not accept infidelity. She did it anyway showing great disrespect to you and to your marriage vows. I have great respect for your decision and wish you a very happy future.

She still loves you very much and is ready to chase you all over the country (and probably all over the globe, if not the galaxy) to get your heart back. She is staying in Florida a few more days and I bet she is getting ready to put on the full-court press to get you back(i.e.:Move to Florida ). BE STRONG!!!

[This message edited by marbou888 at 6:51 PM, April 12th (Sunday)]

As to the "why" question and "understanding"

I think "justification" and "understanding" are misused. The article links that were given and now edited out, while are an attempt, are not about understanding, they are deflection or are more external in seeking which many of us disagree with. Moreover, "sings she is cheating" is not about "understanding why."

I think quite a few understand but granted it is easier to blame "external things" vs the "internal" this is why the "why" is very eluding. The "why" is internal to the wayward spouse as something broke from within and many times they themselves cannot yet understand what went wrong internally until much later.

Some waywards wake up from the addiction of infidelity rapidly but also in a state of shock while others may never or after a long time as with many forms of addictions.

The "why" and i agree understanding is not about agreeing, but external excuses or those in the polls can be used as "reasons to divorce" not reasons to "cheat" and thus deceive and etc... two very different behaviors.

SG's wife is in the process of understanding, but may not know for a while. I only hope she can fix what went wrong inside.

I told you that your STBXW was going to show up on your doorstep....

You handled yourself well.

You deserve to be happy.

So does your wife.

Don't be surprised if she gets more desperate just before the divorce and right after.

Try to keep any woman you date private so your wife does not show up on your GF's door to harass her.

In time you will heal.

Hopefully your Ex will heal as well. She is no longer your responsibility.

Keep moving forward.

HM

How is it going SG ?

Mom-of-Four:

I am going to encourage you to take a step back and think through some things.

Allow me to credentialize myself by telling a small part of my story. My wife was unhappy with our marriage and cheated. We divorced. I got custody of four young children. And we ultimately remarried. Here are some things from my experience you may wish to consider.

1. Taking care of four children alone is exhausting. You have no idea just how demanding it will be when everything is solely on your shoulders, 24/7, nearly every day. Any you'll be doing it on half your present income. Spaceghost had the luxury of no young kids. But that's not your situation.

2. I think about my wife's infidelities daily, two years on. But I also recognize that there is a statute of limitations for all crimes. If I can never forgive her, then I am not allowing her to grow. I ask myself why I can't stop thinking about the affair. And I think the primary reason is that I don't think she acknowledged my pain sufficiently, probably because it was a topic she'd prefer to not bring up again and again. Could you be stuck because you don't think he acknowledged your pain sufficiently? If so, could you reopen this topic in marital counseling in a constructive way, telling him exactly what you need?

3. A LOT of women who are 10-15 years into a marriage and in their early forties take stock of their marriage and life, and find them wanting. Could you be in that stage, and are focusing on the five-year old affair as the cause of your current malaise? If so, I think most women who leave their marriages as part of a midlife crisis come to regret it. If you had divorced him five years ago, would you still be stuck in anger? Or would you have let it go? If you would have forgiven him by now post-divorce, why not forgive him now without going through divorce if he has earned it the last half decade?

4. Has he been a good husband in the last five years? If so, maybe marriage counseling might be in order. The dating pool you are about to enter is full of people who have flaws, too.

Now, if he has been a bad husband in the last five years, that's a different story....

SpaceGhost,

What did you think when you read about Tiger Woods? Seems like his golf never recovered.

His ex also decided that adultery meant the end.

Also, maybe you have covered this previously, but it may be that your FOO issues played a major role in your uncompromising attitude towards the fornication as betrayal that cannot be overcome, at least for you.

Also, your wife never spilled the beans regarding what she and OM did together and what went through her mind. Although you are decided the R is high unlikely, do you think getting the facts would make even more unlikely or open a sliver of hope?

[This message edited by LongWalk at 5:10 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]

I wanted to bump this thread for the weekend noobs.

Welcome to the club you didnt want to join. This thread shows how one man, SpaceGhost, handled it.

I respect his conviction, admire his strength, and marvel at the responses he recieved.

I just wanted to say GOD BLESS YOU . let me say that I finally found someone who dealt with Infedility issue as it must be handeled . No insulting , no hard feeling just gave the WS what they deserve ; divorce

I am not a vendictive person , but I consider infidelity as a crime you can't just go to MC and then continue your life considering it just a mistake

Wish u all the luck in your new life , u deserve good pne

Good call, Allroy

I just read through this, most of it anyway.

Your strength is admirable and I wish you all the best.

I wish I had been this strong and respectful of myself. It would have saved me so much pain.