SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think you were right to notify the military.

Except apparently he never followed through with this, despite what he said in this thread. In fact, the OP was not very forthcoming with his true intentions or the reality of his situation here on SI

GW, I personally don't feel let down by you for seeking other opinions, nor by wanting to make another attempt to save your M. But by not being forthright with us here on the true reality of your situation, you've let yourself down. I'm sure you had your reasons for leading us to believe you were taking strong actions, but had we known your true intentions, perhaps the advice offered here could have actually helped you.

I hope you continue to post here, and I hope you can battle your way out of infidelity very soon.

Wishing you the best.

Ya know, LM, when confronted with issues of infidelity, generally there is the strong desire to take action. But as time goes along, that softens when 'considerations' start. Like, "Is it worth ruining a man's career?", or, "Is there a way to work this out?"... and this gives pause.

I'm not going to second guess or condemn the OP for his decisions- or lack thereof. He's struggling and trying to hold it together in a horrible situation.

The OM will always be a threat now. GW's WW has a bad day or disagrees with GW about something and the OM is a text away, and more than willing to screw the WW again because he has had NO consequences and sees GW as a weak coward. It shouldn't have ever been about revenge it should be about clearing away all of the obstacles to a safe marriage. He will regret this in the future, guaranteed, but I doubt any of us will ever know.

yes, I hope GW comes back but at the same time I hope he mans up and terminates things rather than working so hard to cement his legacy as a cuckold

When you expose to the military, you don't do it through COs. You do it through the Inspector Generals office and launch a formal investigation. Rest assured, they will NOT sweep it under the rug regardless of any of the considerations listed above. Action will be taken. Just make sure you have hard evidence to back up your accusations.

It now seems to be all his fault. I think they call it rug sweeping. That normally has a great record of success.

It seems all the good advice here has been ignored.

Weakness never works in getting out of infidelity, never....

The OM will always be a threat now.

Reading his thread at that other site I QUESTION if there even was an OM.

I know of a few people who used the DB principles and saved their marriages. The OP seems to want R more than anything else right now and so, for his and his children's sakes, I hope he is one of the successful ones. I really hope he doesn't end up like me - staying married and 10 years later waking up at 60 years old still married and still desperately unhappy.

The military isn't civilian life. IF you had pushed it with the military they could have given om a direct order to never contact your wife again. No final tearful goodbye; just ghost her, change emails, change phone numbers, etc. That was likely especially if you had lit many fires as I repeatedly advised you to do.

If he had violated that order there would have been serious consequences. Those include jail, confinement, loss of rank, loss of pay, reassignment to some hole half way around the world, loss of job ... you name it and the military can do it. Repeated infractions = stiffer penalties.

He would have dropped her like a bad habit or the military would have come down on him like a ton of bricks AND he would be forced to drop her like a bad habit. The only difference is how much of a hole he dug before they MADE him comply. Again, the military isn't civilian world and you don't seem to get the differences. I had a friend charged with destruction of govt property for getting a bad sunburn. Let that sink in.

What did your way accomplish? Om is still in the picture. Your wife is still talking to him. They can reach out anytime they want.

You threw away your single best tool to get your ww out of the affair which helps remove her from the fog and would have vastly improved your chances at a successful r. No contact is required and most of us here weren't so lucky as you that we could enforce it via a "direct order" to on. But you buckled instead.

Worst move EVER.

Luckily its no too late to push it. You might still have a chance to correct your Massive bad choice.

[This message edited by william at 6:01 AM, September 30th (Saturday)]

Wow - that other site is something else! All geared towards rolling over, nicing them back and rugsweeping.

I am going to disagree with the consensus on this thread.

I pointed out way back on page 27 that too much emphasis was being placed on the OM and not enough on getting GW out of infidelity. Since then the focus on the thread has been on revenge and the OM. Frankly – I think we as a forum gave GW bad advice…

Well… let me rephrase that: I think we gave him good advice but wrong emphasis.

It’s like if he was dealing with a burning house and we were arguing over whether to dial 911 before saving valuables, or save the valuables before dialing 911. I think we were trying to get him so busy carrying out furniture that he didn’t focus on getting out or getting help.

IMHO the emphasis is often best placed on getting the betrayed spouse to move, to start towards the peak called Out of Infidelity. Exposing, refusing the affair, making it public and real… these are all necessary tools on the road out of infidelity but they are not the destination.

Yes – GW should have exposed to OM command. Yes – it might have helped. But he couldn’t afford to remain sitting on his ass hoping that the military threatened OM, that the threat would be enough for OM to get rid of WW and that WW would therefore decide to remain with GW. Plus, it’s too long a chain depending on so many factors that nobody can control, least of all GW.

This focus allowed GW to omit other more (or at least equally) important factors for getting out of infidelity. The constant threat to her loved one probably drove his WW further away from GW rather than closer. This in turn probably made him eventually feel like he wasn’t making progress and – rather than follow the accumulated hard advice here on SI – he seeks alternative advice on another site.

I think we need to learn a lesson from this case (and numerous others) that we offer more rounded, well balanced advice and don’t focus on one single factor.

As ever, Bigger's analysis is balanced, detached, and sensible. However, I cannot help feeling that GW5263 was basically 'lost' as soon as his wife decided she was out of the marriage. We can all come up with dozens of suggestions, but if one human being is determined to leave another, there is really nothing that can be done.

Yes, he could have exposed the OM to the military, and his wife would still want to go with the OM. He can destroy the file, as he says he was going to do, and his wife will still want to go with the OM. He can stand on his head and sing "The Purple People Eater" in Russian, and his wife will still want to go with the OM. The factor we all missed is that the WW was obsessed with the OM, and that she is destined to leave like a misguided missile. Will she find long-term happiness? I doubt it. But there is no stopping her. I believe that that is the basic, core issue that we all missed here.

They can't reconcile if the the affair is going on.

The only chance to break up this kind of affair is exposure.

The good news is that by dropping the ball he is getting out of infidelity by divorce.

There is only about a fifteen percent chance of saving a marriage if a wife cheats and is caught. He had little hope anyway. However, she won't leave her kids and the Posom probably isn't reliable anyway so he may end up with the scraps of his marriage.

He should have turned the Posom in whether or not he wanted to reconcile. It's the principle of the thing. He is also in law enforcement. The Posom attacked his family and commited a crime in doing so. Doesn't that make him an accessory in an ongoing crime?

The military isn't civilian life.

This is exactly what I have been trying to tell you all. The military does not care about affairs except for how they affect the mission. His wife got some emails with some information. You all think this guy was sharing "top secret classified info" when he might very well have been sharing information you could all find online.

You know why the military is unlikely to care about this affair? Because the man is sleeping with a civilian. Because the husband of the civilian is a civilian. Unless he actually did share top secret classified information (which I seriously doubt), they will not care. The guy isn't a general and I would think you all would have watched enough news to know that, in this day, even a general usually just gets a wrist slap. He's enlisted. And he isn't sleeping with another military member or military member's wife so it's unlikely to have any impact whatsoever on the mission. And THAT is the only reason adultery is in the UCMJ. The mission. Period. Not because the military gives a flying fuck about who is sleeping with who- because they care about whether or not who their members sleep with will screw up the mission. If it won't screw up the mission, they DO. NOT. CARE. anymore than the boss at McDonald's cares about who his employees are sleeping with. If they can still come to work and flip burgers, their sex life is not his business.

This man needs immediate help in dealing with HIS WIFE. He needs to get out of infidelity.

GW, whether or not you continue to pursue the OM is your business. If you decide you want to try, that's fine. But your main concern right now should be getting out of infidelity. Bigger always gives great advice about that. Please read his posts.

And I saw what you wrote on the other board. I think it's admirable that you recognize you were not emotionally available. But here's the thing, your lack of emotional availability did not cause your wife to cheat. She made a choice to cheat. You suddenly becoming emotionally available to her is not going to change her path other than to give her the impression that she can now do whatever she pleases and you'll accept it and blame yourself. You really do have to recognize that you cannot tolerate this behavior and you also cannot work on your marriage with just one person. If she goes all in, then you can be as emotionally available as you want. But if she does not, you have to let her go. She may recognize what she's losing and come back ready to work on it. But she may not. Either way, it's a chance you have to take unless you want to be miserable watching her do exactly what she feels like without regard for your feelings for the rest of your life. You aren't at fault for her cheating. You are partially responsible for the breakdown of your marriage that may have allowed her to justify that cheating in her own mind. But she still chose to cheat. That is all on her. Bringing a third person into your marriage never fixes your marital problems. It always makes them worse. That was her solution to fixing the issues and that's a fucked up response to marital issues. Until she realizes that and works on issues in a healthy way, nothing will be resolved.

People who are saying there was too much focus on OM are correct in a vacuum, but in this case GW had a three week window before he could do anything because of a bankruptcy requirement. His wife is refusing any sorts of R effort because it would ‘be like cheating’ on her boyfriend. GW is not 100% committed to D.

What other tool beyond full exposure are you guys suggesting me sued over the next three weeks when nothing else can be done either way?

What other tool beyond full exposure are you guys suggesting me sued over the next three weeks when nothing else can be done either way?

With a single affair partner, exposure is often useless. My husband's first affair partner was single. Who was I supposed to tell who cared? No one. The focus had to be on my husband and my responses to his behavior. And, FYI, my husband was a higher ranking military member and she was a lower ranking military member. Because she was not in the same unit as my husband, no one gave a shit because it did not affect the mission. Had she been his direct subordinate, I might have been able to expose. But since they were deployed together and ran around all over base together, anyone who should have cared showed that they clearly did not care. There were three married guys higher ranking than my husband doing the same thing and no one cared then either.

In the event that GW did go for exposure, my son, who was military, said that the one thing that might make a difference is if it became a pain in the ass for the commander. My son said if continuing calls came in to command, they might "smoke him" just so the commander wouldn't have to deal with it. He said they likely would not care that the guy was sleeping with a married woman other than the distraction of a commander having to deal with the fact that the guy was sleeping with a married woman when the command actually has much better things to do with their time. So, if GW were to make it an inconvenience to the commander, it might trickle down to OM. But it might not. They are very unlikely to prosecute under the UCMJ for an enlisted man sleeping with a civilian or even another military member if it doesn't directly affect the unit. The UCMJ codes were mainly devised to keep higher ups from sleeping with subordinates or fraternizing with lower ranking members and undermining respect and morale. Sleeping with a married civilian is a small potatoes issue to most units. They have a lot of bigger fish to fry and most of the time even the big fish get caught and let go.

Putting all his eggs in the exposure basket is likely to backfire. If he focuses on his responses to his wife's behavior and follows the advice here as if the OM was not in the military, he might have a chance to save his marriage. And at the least, he could save his self-respect by not putting up with his wife acting like she's not a married woman.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:30 PM, September 30th (Saturday)]

You stated that you had sent letters of exposure. Did you send them? What was the outcome?

Gw, I asked you this previously. Folks here need to know what steps you've taken, and the results of those steps. This is not based on the curiosity of disinterested bystanders. People sincerely want to help you. If you didn't send the letters just get that out on the table. Take the incoming 2x4s. We can move on from that at least knowing the facts. If you did send them it is important to know the effect it had on your W.

You don't want a D. Your W doesn't appear to want a D for four more years. She wants the status quo with the kids and the marital home until she can join the OM. You are living in infidelity. You want your W back. You want your M back. She will not live elsewhere w/o the children. She stated she will give you the home. One post said she had signed a quitclaim deed. Your financial atty said to file for bankruptcy before D. This will allow you to keep and afford the house. Is this a fair summary of your thread?

Summary:

1. The A is ongoing.

2. Your W stated to you that the OM fears exposure.

3. You exposed the A to the kids.

4 You stated that you exposed to others.

3. The 180 has been recommended to you as a means to detach from your W.

4. You have ducks in a row for bankruptcy.

5. You stated you have seen an attorney for getting your D ducks in a row.

Is this a fair summary of what has gone on?

Posted: 4:03 PM, August 22nd (Tuesday), 2017

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To JAG, base commander , and I'm debating on NCIS

Posted: 2:22 AM, August 23rd (Wednesday), 2017

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I am calling back today for a follow up with the Base Commanders office.

Posted: 8:37 PM, August 26th (Saturday), 2017

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And I sent the ones where he described the computers, crew compliment, how long they went out, stayed submerged, where they went, down to how long the air was good for.

Posted: 12:13 PM, August 27th (Sunday), 2017

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The Navy got sent a file with all the texts in chronological order, pictures he sent in various uniforms, call logs, FaceTime logs, the whole bit. Information that was particularly relevant was high lighted and tabbed. If I could post pics on here I would. Took a week to put it together. Hopefully it was worth the work.

Posted: 8:40 AM, August 28th (Monday), 2017

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Hopefully the(y) have given him a no contact order

Posted: 6:25 AM, August 31st (Thursday), 2017

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I'm still waiting for the military to respond.

Posted: 11:21 AM, August 31st (Thursday), 2017

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I'm calling the military back this afternoon. This fucker is supposed to sneak up here in October, but hopefully they have him on lockdown by then.

Posted: 5:51 AM, September 5th (Tuesday), 2017

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I am going to call the military in the morning to check in with them.

Posted: 6:42 AM, September 5th (Tuesday), 2017

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My plan for now is to continue with the legal, continue with the military,

Posted: 5:01 PM, September 6th (Wednesday), 2017

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Military is guess will have to wait until after Irma- they are evacuating the base

Posted: 7:54 AM, September 7th (Thursday), 2017

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I believe the investigation may be on hold due to the hurricane. The base is evacuating and all the subs are going to sea.

Posted: 10:44 AM, September 7th (Thursday), 2017

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Shark man I have an appointment at zero 830 tomorrow morning.

Posted: 4:23 PM, September 9th (Saturday), 2017

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I contacted the office of my district congressman via email this am!

Posted: 10:19 PM, September 9th (Saturday), 2017

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I knew the UCMJ was weak on adultery so I pursued the clearance avenue as well. …. I studied up a lot before I put the packet together.

Posted: 8:30 AM, September 11th (Monday), 2017

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So you feel like OM should not have been exposed? He should just get a free pass for destroying my family? I disagree.

Posted: 11:23 PM, September 12th (Tuesday), 2017

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As of now I'm boarding up windows and readying sand bags for hurricane WW when the military moves on OM. …. Based on her earlier statements she will likely explode the minute she learns that the MOAB has hit OM square in the poo hole.

Posted: 7:03 PM, September 13th (Wednesday), 2017

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he truly is a missile tech, that's been verified. I expect some rug sweep at the command level so I planned forward and also involved NCIS and a congressman who is on the national security committee.

Posted: 11:20 PM, September 18th (Monday), 2017

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<I received an> E mail response I am going to call JAG in the morning

Posted: 11:17 PM, September 28th (Thursday), 2017

yes,I went to another site. I did make calls to his command, but after some thought I did not follow up with them,so nothing came of it.

G-Dub - I read your whole thread and I get that you are in pain. But .... did you not only obfuscate and deceive, but also use a devastating hurricane to gaslight this community who offered you nothing but kindness and support??

I wish you and your wife a very long life together.

smh

NT

Tearsoflove,

Nobody was suggesting All eggs going into exposing the OM basket. He had three weeks of literal status until he could file bankruptcy as a precursor to filing for divorce. She had 100% taken R off of the table and he had not.

What other actions other than exposure would have taken precedence over exposure as a tool to achieve his optimal outcome?

What other actions other than exposure would have taken precedence over exposure as a tool to achieve his optimal outcome?

In my opinion, a hard line approach to his wife's behavior in much the way Bigger often recommends: "You can't have a boyfriend and also be my wife." And then no discussion about anything other than kids and finances unless she was willing to end it with OM. No helping her out with anything. No being the go-to shoulder when things weren't going as planned for her. No soft landing for her. Mr. Nice Guy doesn't work when your wife thinks she's in love with another guy. Instead, it allows her to believe that her behavior isn't all that bad- the "all is fair in love and war" ideal that people tout without actually seeing the casualties she's causing. No shielding her from upset children because of what she is doing. No pretending to be friends.

That doesn't mean I don't think he should have exposed the OM. A call to command and sending proof is one thing but then you let the military do whatever they are going to do with it and you focus on your own life. There was a lot of push here and a lot of focus on what was going to happen to the OM. Instead of him getting advice on how to deal with the pressing issue- his wife's behavior, he was pushed on exposure and then questioned about how that was going and given more exposure advice. Exposure works great if there is a betrayed spouse on the other end who an OP doesn't want to lose. It doesn't work well if the OP is single. An OP about to lose his spouse will often throw his plaything to the floor. But anyone with any real military experience knows that this guy was unlikely to see much by way of consequences. If he did, indeed, divulge military secrets- then, yeah, someone above him should know about it. But if he didn't, it's very unlikely that he would see any consequences or mild ones, if any. An LOR in his file maybe or an Article 15 with a tiny, temporary loss of pay. Congressman and Generals do not care about this crap. We have young men dying while bombs explode under their vehicles who haven't even gotten to experience married life or parenthood yet. That's important. This guy's wife's WILLING participation with a guy who can pretty much screw anyone he wants because he's not married is not going to cost anyone in the military a moment of sleep. So the push for exposure and the constant questions about it are steering him away from where he should be focused: his marriage and his wife.

He should be working on what type of marriage he wants and how to get that marriage. He should be deciding how much disrespect he's willing to tolerate from his wife. He should be figuring out how to stop tolerating disrespect if he's decided not to accept it anymore. He should be figuring out what the long term affect of a divorce will be if his wife keeps on going. He should be figuring out how to hold his wife accountable for her actions without shielding her from their effects.