SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh my Dear Lord. Never turned the OM in to command? That was the biggest thing he had going for him. Call the dog and pee on the fire- this one's done. She's won- she called his bluff & threatened him and he folded like a cheap suit. He's going to want to come back around here, but probably won't. She's bought herself some time and will have her ducks all lined up by the time he figures it all out.

Why I am getting the feeling we're on a snipe hunt here?

What a goddamned train wreck. Seriously. It’s like watching ‘It’ but you know that it’s real life and there are kids who are going to get lifetime fucked up over this.

So so sad

Now know why I was so worked up earlier this thread. It didn't seem like he really had a plan and did not seem to be doing anything constructive.

Gary, You won't get the help you need in counseling or online forums if you aren't honest. Shit you won't get worthwhile people's respect if you aren't honest.

Best of luck for your kids.

Why I am getting the feeling we're on a snipe hunt here?

I think we wore out the pillow cases and the flashlights on this snipe hunt.

yes,I went to another site.no, immot fake or a troll. My mind was all over the place and I felt like I needed a second opinion. I've gotten some help and gotten my thoughts under control. I did make calls to his command, but after some thought I did not follow up with them,so nothing came of it. I realized I still love her and wanted to make a last ditch effort to save us. That's why I went over. None of this is fake admins of it is bullshit. I was very confused emotionally and needed to get mythought process back. Sorry if it came off as fake. There is bankruptcy proceedings starting in October, and I have a follow up with the divorce atty Monday. Once again, sorry if I gave the wrong impression or misled anyone. You guys have been and are great people. I apologize if I let anyone down or mislead you in any way. I just decided to fight and try. I was also motivated purely out of revenge, and in the end it would have accomplished nothing.

I was also motivated purely out of revenge, and in the end it would have accomplished nothing.

Except for getting a known liar and cheat out of possibly one of the most dangerous positions ever...

Yeah, nothing to be established here.

Honestly, I think you've shown some clarity on the other site. The OM isn't the issue. Your wife is. Sure, OM is a piece of shit, but he didn't force this mess into your life. Your wife allowed it. I also had a pretty good chance of messing with OM's career/life if I wanted to -- I had proof that he was emailing and calling my wife on company time from his work address/number, and he's a state employee, and that probably wouldn't have gone over well for him. But in my situation the A was over, and the last thing I needed was to create a situation where my desire for revenge resulted in someone with nothing to lose and put in a position to continue to make my own life hell -- or, perhaps worse, go to all this trouble to out a creep and merely end up embarrassing myself. Better to let go of that anger on someone who is little more than a stranger to me and focus on the problems in my own back yard.

[This message edited by mouthkeptshut at 11:01 PM, September 28th (Thursday)]

GW

I’m sorry you felt you weren’t getting what you needed here. I’m hoping you can find happiness one way or another.

Maybe someday down the line, if she wakes up from this insanity, and wants to pursue you as the prize that you deserve to be, then you can decide if it's too late for that.

Just best to move forward with your plan and get out of this mess.

The OM's career is secondary. A nice advantage to have, a good feeling if it happens, but not as important.

I still stand by this advice I gave you a few pages back (and others did similarly) to worry about yourself first, POSOM and his job is secondary and can be pursued at any time.

I don’t follow any other Infidelity site so if you don’t mind, can you tell us what are you doing to FIGHT for her?

I’d never advise someone NOT to fight for their relationship, however, if you have an unwilling WW who is hell bent on being with her AP I’m not sure what you can actually do unless you are going to Rug Sweep this entire affair until she leaves you for him several years from now.

We’ve always said it’s your life, you own how you live it.

But I’m not sure happiness can be found with someone still pining away for another.

I send best wishes for your happiness.

I'm glad you're not letting revenge eat at you, but I can't comprehend 1)How you can be fine with the OM leaking secret material, or was that a fabrication as well?

2) Why you felt the need to embellish your story here? No advice you receive on a false narrative will help you IRL.

3) why you think being a pushover to your wife will give you a safe marriage

4) why you would want her back anyway?

I assume the answer to four is codependency.

Good luck with your future endeavors, my friend.

I did make calls to his command, but after some thought I did not follow up with them,so nothing came of it.

So basically you've taken the most powerful and useful tool for ending the A and having a possible future with her and pissed all over it.

Good luck with that...you're gonna need it.

GW,

You can't lance a boil with a feather.

I'm out.

All the best.

I was rooting for you because turning them in to the workplace was what I DIDN'T do in my situation.

The view from three years down the road in R is that it would probably have been the one thing that would have gotten me out of infidelity the quickest. Now, I don't KNOW this- but I find myself continually regretful that I didn't visit that consequence on him (and her). I did do limited exposure to friends and family including WW mother. Exposing to WW mother made her as furious as I've ever seen WW and got me the old 'I was going to reconcile with you, until you did that' from my WW. Well, she got over it and came to understand that it wasn't 'revenge'. It was consequences of her behavior and she had to face it.

I did many things wrong. But, none of the limited exposure I did actually hurt our prospects of R in the end. This thread is about you, not me, but if I could go back to that time I would expose POS other man as quick as I could have gotten it done. It needed to happen. OM needed those consequences. WW needed to see OM get those consequences. I didn't do it partly to be the bigger person, partly to insure my wife kept her job so our family could keep our home, and honestly looking back partly because I feared WW threat to hate me forever if I did.

Exposing him and ruining his world and career would have knocked her ass off the fence for good- either to go be with him or else completely back in our marriage. As it is, OM is still out there- still being the Boss man- still swaggering around- still making twice the money I do- and honestly still an option for her if she were to choose to go there again.

Now. I THINK we are having success in our R together. But I know he's still around and if we don't make it in the long run it'll largely have to do with him still being out there and an attractive option for her. Total exposure, total ruination of him and the entire world knowing about the affair would have either removed that option from the table for her for good, or else it would have sent her to be with him for good. Either way, I would have been better off knowing for sure which way things sat- instead of now wondering here three years later if she's finally got her ducks in a row and one day I'll wake up and find a divorce packet being delivered to ME.

I totally get the issues you are grappling with. But I know from my situation that rolling over and going soft and taking any shit from WW is likely not going to get you where you want and need to be several years down the road.

Gw5263, you say OM is telling your wife that he has a plan to "stop you from messing up thier lives" once he comes in October.

Please, please, protect yourself and your children.

Nwithout a job and no money he would have looked like an unattractive fool begging and pleading...........like you are doing. It would have worked as good for him as it is for you.

The upside is you will eventually find another woman. You're just going to have to accept what she is doing for a long time first.

So in the last two months you have made zero progress and your wife has been able to cement her relationship with her boyfriend.

Solid plan you have going there. I wish you best with the alternate advice that you are taking.

I asked last week.. what is your game plan. I was right, you don't have one. You can still develop one is you have the strength to get her out of your life. 180 is a starting point and I disagree with others. Use it to help you, use it for revenge and hammer these two. You are being cuckolded and by your current course of action, it seems like it will be a permanent thing

Gw,

I take at face value that you did out him to his employer. That's SI 101 exposure to kill the affair. Everyone knows it doesn't always work. It works more when the WS and the AP work together.

The national security of the U.S. is not your responsibility beyond what you have done. You have had a fvcking bomb go off in your family. That should be your sole focus. Again, at face value, if you gave the USN emails that showed him disclosing operational details, you've done all you need to (IMO, and understanding/respecting other posters who want you to followup).

It is your call as to what outcome you want to work toward. You do accept that she is not regretful, let alone remorseful, right? Do you accept what you can control about the outcome of this? And what you can't control? Do you see value in using the 180 for yourself?

You stated that you had sent letters of exposure. Did you send them? What was the outcome?

Your remaining tool is to drop D papers on her. Right now she hasn't suffered any real consequence (other than headaches, stomach aches, stress over outing OM). The D papers are the next biggest means to try to shock her out of the A fairy tale.

I know you think dropping D papers on her means that any hope for the M has ended. And therefore you may not do it. Your sitch is that she checked out. Maybe before the A, maybe because of the A. But right now she has gone from the M. I want you to see that D papers are a means of getting her head out of her a$$. And I want you to understand that it may not work.

Props to you for coming back, posting, and taking the 2x4s.

I'm not sure what your issues are. All I see is a lot of wasted time and effort on your part, and from a lot of sincere people here that have tried to help you. Your wife isn't the only one doing the TT and misleading.

You seem to be relishing your misery, so I'll put my efforts elsewhere.

I'm out.

Goodluck.

Gw5263, I took the time to read the entire thread.

As a former navy man who carried a security beyond top secret, I think you were right to notify the military.

You are correct that the UCMJ as well as most base CO's really don't care about infidelity (and believe me, I've seen far worse than this in the military). However, when military personnel carry special clearances and have some types of jobs, any potential issues like this have to be brought to their attention. It speaks to the sailor's frame of mind- are they a threat to handle secret information and can they be trusted. This speaks directly to that point. To be sure, he will spin it as best he can and unless there is strong evidence to the contrary, they will take his side. But this will become part of his service record. An E-7 is a manager and has a very high degree of accountability.

As to handling the wife, again, I think you have done well. I don't buy the issue of being in the 'fog'. She made all her decisions with her eyes wide open. And she meant every aspect of what she has done against you and the kids.

Moving forward, I would do your best to try and continue to emotionally remove yourself from the situation- like you do on the job. She has done what she has done and a divorce is her desire. And, as she states, she wants one with or without OM. So be it.

Your mood swings are very par for the course. But they will even out. Continue to love your children, spend time with friends and just remember that a few years down the road you will be in a far better place.

Lastly, I find it comical- her with the OM when they betray each other. It's a relationship that will be bombastic and last a few years, tops.

Then where will she be?

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 12:53 PM, September 29th (Friday)]