SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Definitely let her know how you are feeling. I think openness is a key factor.

I think a part of the problem might be feeling the issues and then having all the work focused on fixing them. It’s like… if she offered something new in the bedroom you would be thinking if this is what OM got, and she is constantly thinking of some emotional block…

Two suggestions:
Arrange dates… Not the typical dinner, movie and sex date. But rather "dates" were you simply do something one of you wants to do. Or even stuff neither of you really wants to do.
Like… Spend next Saturday shoe-shopping at some humongous mall. You try your best to really have a POV on if the brown shoes are nicer than the tan ones. Don’t say a word when she tries on 16 pairs and doesn’t buy any. Don’t say a word when she does. Just spend time together doing something she might enjoy. (This is actually something I did with my wife, and I think she realized the effort I had to make to seem enthusiastic – a big connection for her.)
Then a week later – Maybe hike up that peak you two have always talked about hiking.
Or go skating. Go to a driving range. Or a shooting range. Or go ride bicycles. Rent a kayak.
The goal is to simply disengage from your issues and expectations. Just spend time together doing stuff… and maybe you two start enjoying each others company…

Definitely be kinky to have sex on a kayak though….

Second suggestion:
See a sex therapist. Or visit a sex-shop.
If that’s too rich, then maybe get some sex-book and you both commit to working through the chapters… Decide to have "sessions" on fixed days, so you both know that next Wednesday is the "Double-reverse-scorpion-impaled-on-a-lioness in chapter 5". Or that’s when you come home to her dressed as a nurse or whatever. Step outside your mutual comfort-zone, constantly remembering that it’s all fun and it’s OK to feel stupid. You will be doing something together that is yours, and nobody else’s.

1. The WS figuratively crawls on broken glass to repair the damage they caused.

This has always bothered me.

The best a WS can do after deciding they want R is to be honest, loving, and willing to work to vhange from cheater to good partner. The WS is the primary beneficiary of that work.

2. In a situation where there were sexual things being done with the OM that were either rare or non-existent in the marriage, the WS puts forth 10X to their BS the effort they gave the OM.

I wasn't going to R, I thought, unless my W treated me better than she treated ow. (She did, so I don't know what I'd have done if she hadn't.)

I think focusing on sex acts given to the ap is a mistake and a trap. Instead, I think the BS will be better off if tey focus on figuring out what they want and asking for it, irrespective of what WS and ap did.

*****

WRT the always D proposition, I'm working on a hypothesis about openness to R. What I think I've seen over the last 15 years is that some BSes think the A is about their own failure or about being targeted by their WS, and some BSes think the A is about their WS's failure. It's hard to R if one thinks the A is about themself and less hard if the A is about the WS.

That leads to 6 combos: 1) BS thinks the A is about themself, and the A is about themself; 2) BS thinks the A is about themself, and the A is about WS; 3) BS thinks the A is about WS, and the A is about WS; 4) BS thinks the A is about WS, and the A is not about WS; 5) an A is always about the BS themself; 6) an A is always about the WS.

Feelingvunerable,

There’s not a single line in your last post that isn’t completely correct. Don’t you second guess any of those thoughts or feelings.

Should you tell her all this again? I guess you can, although didn’t you do that already and all you got was a short 1 month performance play out of her?
Some WS just do not go 100% in until they see actions that signal the BS is moving on. I don’t really know how to feel about that being the catalyst, as like you, I would expect the WS to just go batshit crazy trying to recover their relationship after discovery instead of having to first watch their BS start moving out.
But it does happen only that way in a lot of cases.

It’s hard to take that first step. I know it. Everyone else here that had to do it knows it. Now the good thing about that, if after she sees you looking for alternative housing and making appointments with attorneys, she still does nothing, you’ll know that this is the way it was going to be no matter what you could have said or done.

...she always said that any of the sexual acts she performed for him, she didn't enjoy or particularly like, but admitted that she did them to keep him engaged with her on the seriously great emotional relationship that had..

Ouch!!!

Rare admission coming. I married rather late in life (38yo). Before meeting her, I had lots of lovers, short and long(ish) term relationships. My exww was the least sexually adventurous of them all. She made up for that in plenty of other ways. Still, I always wanted more.

If this is an irreconcilable difference for you, then so be it. If it's something you can live with (or rather, without) then you'll have to accept it.

Tough dilemma, no doubt.