BSR,
I am sorry if what I wrote comes across as me claiming to be a mind reader. I am not a mind reader, but I listen to people an awful lot. And I have had various things said to me or seen them play out in real life enough times for me to think, "Hmmm...This must be a 'thing'".
I am sure I am not alone in having seen people with enough good qualities to cover ten tombstones be cheated on or even dumped by a partner who clearly had higher priorities on their list of what they want or feel entitled to.
And having seen that happen repeatedly, to both men and women, I wanted to know why. So I have paid great attention to what people of both genders have told me about their motivations in relationships, and what they give priority to.
And qualities like 'nice', 'sweet', honest', 'trustworthy', 'decent', 'thoughtful', 'kind', etc, do not seem to be the prime motivators for one person to be with another, or - sadly - to stay faithful to another person.
I am not saying that those qualities and elements do not matter (I think they are hugely important), or that they would not appear in a 'Top ten things I like about my partner' list. What I am saying is that they will be lower down on the list than other qualities/factors/elements.
Now, where you say you are not emasculating your husband by attributing positive qualities to him, I agree, and I am trying to clarify that in terms of the priorities/values that are given to those qualities.
The reason I attribute any negativity to words that ought to be positive is because of how I have heard them used in countless conversations with women. For clarity, I must add that the times when those words came across as dismissive, belittling, or writing a man off as a sexual being were in the context of a woman assessing a man in their orbit - sometimes one who had an interest in her - not a man they were already in a relationship with.
And what struck me was how many times women would begin an assessment of a man with, "Well, he's very sweet, but..." "He's really nice, but..." "He's a dear friend, but..."
A good quality, followed by a qualifier that makes it clear that the man in question has no chance romantically. However, the context is everything; I was talking about them in an assessment of a man that a woman is not in a relationship with, and their significance is that they are the first and probably 'best' thing the woman can think to say about the man.
The words themselves are not automatically negative in every context or situation, but I have heard them in enough dismissive assessments to have a sense of where they sit in a list of peoples' priorities in relation to their romantic partners.
You are right to take issue with what I wrote, BSR, because I can see how it can be interpreted as me saying, "Let me tell you about women, because I know it all". I don't, and I never will, and I am glad of that, because the mystery keeps women eternally intriguing and fascinating.
And I am grateful to you challenging my thinking, because it is making me re-evaluate my interpretations and understanding (some might say misinterpretation and lack of understanding).
The theme I tried and failed to get across in my post was about the priorities we have in what we think is attractive in another person, and how we frame them in our thinking.
I have seen a difference between what people say if they had to pick their top five attractive priorities for a generic ideal man or woman, and what their top five priorities would be for a life partner.
And sadly, that is often the difference between an affair partner and a spouse.
Where I believe this has importance/significance to Aching44giveness is the great unspoken priority that hardly anyone ever mentions: how the person makes us feel about ourselves.
Aching44giveness had a boyfriend who presumably loved her, and who presumably was also a nice guy. And yet his love/admiration/validation (including marriage) paled in significance in comparison to the validation derived from an older married man's base and shallow interest.
And that will affect how Aching44giveness's husband views himself in her estimation and list of priorities. So even if he does not ask a lot of questions, it does not mean he does not think about it a lot.
And the worst thing would be for him to reach certain conclusions about himself and the marriage that make him feel he was a 'nice' guy that Aching44giveness settled for, not a man whose attention excited her, like her boss.
When a man concludes that he is second-best in a relationship, it can rob him of confidence, belief in himself and his partner, and faith that the relationship itself has validity. And that process can happen in complete silence, with him saying nothing at all about it.
Aching44giveness, what you really need to do is work on why you gave your boss so much more power to validate you than you gave to your boyfriend/husband, and to communicate to your husband what has changed in you and your perceptions of yourself that make your husband the most important man in your life now, and your number one validator (if that is truly the case).
Telling and showing your husband how you have changed will mean a great deal to him, even if he does not show it.
If you struggle to express yourself verbally sometimes, or in writing, you can express a great deal through loving, thoughtful acts. And through your perseverance.
And this forum can be a great resource for you, because even if I am just a muddle-headed man trying to make sense of life, there are a number of truly great women here who will share their time, insight, and wisdom with you to help you best express yourself, and do the things that you want to do.
And BraveSirRobin, who gave me a well-deserved kick in the pants, is most definitely one of them. She is a great person to have on your team, and there are several more here that I would want on my side if I hit trouble.
Nothing in life is guaranteed, but people here can help give you the best shot at getting through this successfully.
And for what it is worth, I hope that you do.
[This message edited by M1965 at 9:37 AM, October 31st (Saturday)]