SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 2 years into a similar situation, so much of your profile story resonates with me. 30 years ago my then girlfriend of 3.5 years confessed to a minimized version of an affair. It was a very rough time but we worked through it (mostly via unhealthy rugsweeping) and we got engaged and married. I completely believed everything she'd told me but still it didn't all add up, leaving me with an unresolved sense of a competition with a ghost. It would come back up for me from time to time, usually during periods of life stress.

2 years ago I resolved to finally tackle this ancient dark space with me, to make myself a better version of who I wanted to be and better able to handle life stresses to come. I told my wife the plan and enlisted her as a partner in the effort, after all it was so long ago we should be able to see it all rationally and work my mental problem. I had stumbled across a few relevant SI threads and other resources when I opened this can of worms but I hadn't absorbed any lessons since I wasn't preparing myself for major disclosures. What I got was six weeks of trickle truth which just broke me.

You have such an opportunity. You're listening to the community that knows how to do it right. You have a chance to get through this with so much less pain than I experienced.

My recommendation: Give her the tools and framework to give you everything all at once, with no trickle truth. First, you've heard others recommend a timeline, this will prove to be more critical to you over time, I wish I'd insisted on a full timeline early on. Second, have her read some here, to feel the pain of those in the JFO forum, and to absorb the true nature of the phrase "letting go of the outcome" in the Wayward forum. Third, have her write down her whole account. Many recommend two versions, one dry factual account and one with all the painful details. Give her the time and space to write, it's going ot be a monumental struggle for her. Finally - and you've already done this - set a poly appointment, which is a consequential incentive for your WW to tell the whole truth ahead of time. All of this is in the service of giving you a single shitty day of discovery and no more.

Raleigh you mentioned on the 2nd of this month that the poly would be in two weeks. So it's scheduled for the 16th?

Have you narrowed down the questions that will be asked?

If so can you let us know the questions?

How have you and your wife been doing over the past couple of weeks? Has their been any further discussions or comments about the upcoming poly?

Hope you're hanging in there.

In my humble opinion, I think you just desperately want the truth from her. I know getting confirmation on the A and that it went on after the marriage has been extremely painful for you.

That said, if you can get a few of these other questions answered from her (and that she passes the poly) that it will help you get to a place where the doubts that have been lingering in your head for years will finally be put to rest.

Where you go afterwards?

That's up to you, but if your wife can be truthful, I believe the two of you can work through this.....I truly do.

Booyah: The poly is actually this coming Sunday morning (09/13). This guy is really busy - I take that as a good sign. (crossed fingers)

How have you and your wife been doing over the past couple of weeks? Has their been any further discussions or comments about the upcoming poly?

Other than to say the poly exam makes her feel like a criminal, no...there has been no discussion whatsoever. My conviction she is holding back details is so deep that I have been expecting her to bring it up. She absolutely knows the "cover-up is worse than the crime". But so far, nothing.....is it common for the person being examined to wait till the very last ninute?

Otherwise things have been going well. She is totally stressed out......not sleeping well, not eating well, etc. Every couple of days I sit down with her and ask any new questions I have and repeat several questions already asked. If I don't believe her, I tell her so immediately. She hasn't waivered one iota up to this point.

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The examiner has a set of standard questions he asks when hired for infidelity investigations. Almost all of them are related to specific sex acts performed and the number of times they occurred. My WW has owned up to at least some of that aspect of their relationship (although probably minimized). So, while I will be interested in her responses to those questions, my main interest is in her answers to the ones listed further below.

I have not submitted the questions yet. The examiner has not provided any parameters (number or types of questions, etc), so these are the ones with the most pressing interest to me. Note most of them are structured for Yes/No answers.

1. Was the affair greater than 6 months in length?

2. Was the affair active when it was discovered by your husband?

3. Did you engage with (insert name here) sexually after the affair was discovered?

4. Did you ever invite (insert name here) to your apartment?**

5. Did you ever spend an entire night with (insert name here)?

6. Have you had affairs with anyone else before or after you were married?

**We were living in an apartment for the first 1.5 years after we married. Don't know why this is a "hot button" item for me.....but the idea of my WW having one of her get togethers in the place we lived sends me completely over the edge. She has consistently told me she did not, but there were circumstances back in that time that make this very difficult to believe.

In all likelihood these questions will be modified in a fashion that'll get the best results from the poly. As long as she has to respond in some way to each question, I'm good with that.

There are a zillion more questions I would like to ask. But this list hones it down to the ones that are most important to me in making a R/D decision. ANY suggestions are most certainly welcome!

But so far, nothing.....is it common for the person being examined to wait till the very last ninute?

Yes, very common.

She is totally stressed out......not sleeping well, not eating well, etc.

Thumos's WW did this. His thread is also in the R forum on page 3 at the very bottom if you'd like to read it. She failed on the question about her telling him everything about the A sex which he too knew she was lying about. Hopefully she does give you a parking lot confession and passes the test.

nekonameda: Thanks for the tip! I've already started going through the thread.....it's quite a lengthy one..........

Yes my WW actually had a full blown panic attack and my MIL took her to the ER. That night she said “you’re going to blow up our family over this!?” when I told her I still needed the polygraph.

My response was that she’s already blown it up and I was just trying to figure out if I could pick up the pieces.

I felt the panic attack was both genuine and conveniently timed.

It was actually the lead up to the polygraph as much as the failure itself that sealed the deal for me in terms of divorce. After I had a false heart attack scare I realized staying with her was going to kill me.

Reading your thread has helped to strengthen my resolve even more. I’m 4 years out. I don’t want to be ten times that timeline still trying to figure this out with her. I want out now. The odds of my being happy and fulfilled are much higher without her than with her — and I would dare say that same wager applies to you and just about any other BS.

It’s a gamble I’m willing to take because it is the safer bet.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:02 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

Typically you will need to limit a poly to no more than 3 questions to ensure the greatest percentage of accuracy. Knowing my WW had a “definitive fail” on one question while she passed another was enough for me to know she was still lying. Given her previous statements about how she wished she could take the knowledge of the affair to grave with her it made sense that she’d still be lying about the extent of it.

RG,

I believe you said you had a polygraph scheduled for WW on Sunday. Did you go through with it?

Yes Raleigh how did the poly go?

Any update?

Looks like our friend got some really bad news. If so it’s not surprising given her feigned memory issues.

This thread should be pinned as a cautionary tale on how insidious rug sweeping is.

Meanwhile, OP, if you are still looking for the OM, you may want to try Martindale-Hubbell. If he's an attorney and is still in practice, that should do the trick.

RG, just wondering how you are? Hope all is well.

Raleigh been awhile since you've checked in.

Don't want to make assumptions but it's hard to not think that maybe the poly did NOT go well?

If indeed that is the case we have a pretty good idea the thoughts and emotions swirling around in that head of yours.

Hope you're hanging in there and when you get a chance let us know how you're doing.

Has anyon heard from RG lately? Would assume it did not go well.

RaleighGuy,

I hope all went as good as possible.

I understand the complete frustration of lies. Especially the long term ones. These lies make you question what is really 'real'. They touch the very foundation of all we think is 'home', 'us', 'respect' on and on.

It would be simple if it was a lie with a beginning, a middle and a end.

This type of lie is growly insidious with tentacles that touch the very breathe you take. Past, present, and perhaps future. I commend you on the steps you have taken.

I hope you find closure on this 'thing'. Maybe your marriage can be rid of this lie and the healing can begin to take place. It affects both of you.

I guess a, 'I feel you man', is in order. That probably makes you feel all better! Laugh if possible, it helps, some, a little, at least it doesn't hurt.

Keep your outlook positive. Bad days suck, but if you look, even they have enough light to make a shadow.

I wonder how RG's doing?

I've often considered going the lie-detector route. But after so many years both our memories of events were so vastly different, I decided not too.

There were some events where my spouse was convinced her version was the truth, and yet I remembered otherwise.

It is so long ago, 32years+, there is no 'evidence', there is no way to substantiate or prove either way.

I don't know that a lie-detector would be helpful.

It's a tough call!

I suspect Raleigh got the full truth or some omitted critical details which his WW claimed not to remember.

A lie can grow with age rather than fade as the wasted years add up.

He may have felt he had enough truth to recover or enough to disgust him into leaving.

[This message edited by survrus at 8:21 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]