SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She isn't a prize to win. This quote makes me so sad for you.

You need to get into IC pronto to work some shit out. Why do you feel you need her so badly? Why are you so willing to rugsweep instead of creating some healthy boundaries and enforcing them?

She is the one that broke your M and your trust. She is the one that needs to be doing the work not you. Until you figure that piece out and enforce some real and meaningful changes you will never feel safe, nor should you.

I do get what you are saying. Even now I am hesitant and full of anxiety. I feel like right now this was her decision and not something I demanded her to do. I do love her and I still see in her all the things that attracted me to her 20 yrs ago. I am not totally blind to the fact that she has changed with all of this.

I still get excited to get a text from her.

You should get help for your co-dependency A4T. You have two goals. 1. is get out of infidelity and 2. is to take your life back. I can't tell from your posts that you've accomplished either. Until you accomplish these goals, you'll continue to live in pain. You would do yourself well to take your rose-colored-glasses off and see what's really in front of you. If you value your relationship as much as you indicate that you do, you would strengthen it by becoming the man of the house and showing through consistent action that you are not going to allow any more betrayal in your life. I wish the best for you.

So is your WW acting like someone who is in love? All you have written and it seems that you believe she is not, but you're hoping she will fall in love with you again?

You have been a faithful partner for 20 years? Is this how you feel it is appropriate to be treated?

Your WW is NOT doing the work to heal your M. YOU seem to be trying, but you can't do it by yourself. Your WW is telling you, by her actions, that she's not really interested. She seems to want to rugsweep. She doesn't want you upset at her over her A, so she's giving you a small amount to shut you up. Is it working? From what you are telling us, it seems that it is working and you are going to accept it.

I hope this is not the case. I'm sure there is a lot more going on that you haven't conveyed. However, I would suggest that you need to stand up for yourself. This is NOT acceptable. If you were my friend being treated this way by a spouse, I would go to your house and give your spouse hell for treating you like garbage. You deserve better. I hope you see that.

More proof that she is cake eating and putting you through hell. Go back to the 180 and hold tight for that appointment with your lawyer.

Back? Did he start yet? It seems she's working on cuckolding him in the near future!

Unfortunately in my past I grew up a red neck. Bonfires, natural light, and steel toed boots were my teenage attire. That part of me wants to go knock his teeth out. The mature father and professional keeps me from doing it. I might be inclined to call in a few favors from people that have a little less to lose. (My brother and I were kind of like the bouncers of our high school)

Childish it is but this guy pretends he is tough to keep the beatings he deserves away.

Why is all of your anger reserved for the person that OWES YOU NOTHING while you play nice with the betrayer that married you?

A4T - Nothing changes when nothing changes.

She is giving you just enough to keep you hanging on. You are living in fear for some reason. You need to figure that out.

Get yourself into IC. Learn how to be happy and complete as an individual, not as a spouse. Until you demand better you continue to get this half assed engagement from her.

At a minimum - if you do nothing else, get a standing appt for STD testing every 6 mos. I guarantee you she will put your health at risk. It might not be today or tomorrow, but she will.

It has been almost 2 months since she made her decision to be with me. She did message her AP once on feb 6 I think. I did not see what she said but only his reply of “huh?” “Block me”

I did not say anything to her and just let it go to see where the chips would fall.

Last Friday we took our daughter and her “boyfriend” to a movie with us. The next morning my wife RAB out your get her tim hortons and while gone I saw her go active on messenger. Later that day I peeked and saw he had replied to a message she had sent with “where”. (I want to add I had also saw a message between her and 2 coworkers to expand their after work drink sessions to more hours on Thursday and about all evening on mondays as well)

I had enough and was furious. She said she had spotted him at the theater when we went and she simply said that she messaged him letting him know she had seen him. She swore she was over him in that way and was just being friendly. I grabbed her phone and offered to ask him if he wanted to take my place on the cruise we booked for her birthday coming up next week. She begged me to sit down and talk. I told her there is no way I am going to stand for it as that was the guy she cheated on me with. There is nothing that is going to change that for me.

She left the room to go do something for our daughter and returned and turned me to hug me. She held on like I was going to flee. She told me she can’t keep hurting me and that I was the one she comes home to, sleeps with and is married to. She said she loves me. (I don’t think she meant she is in love with me as she does not say it at any other time)

That night our daughter had a friend over. My wife cuddled up to while watching tv and while in bed like we use to. It was the first time we have had the bed alone in awhile. She did this for the next few days even when our daughter tried to get between us.

I had a massive headache Tuesday and she was worried as I was pretty much out. She kept checking on me and saying something wanting me to get better and needing me.

Today she went into the office. She called me when she went out to smoke. I texted her an hour ago to see how her lunch went as she was complaining about being starved and we are broke as we just paid $2000 in cash for the cruise last week.

My anxiety and uncertainty are killing me again.

I just want to be wanted, loved and needed. I don’t know what she is feeling. I don’t know if some of the things she says is truth and she is planning to be with me in the long term or not.

I don’t know why I even wait for that from her. I want this to be over so I can start healing one way or another. I know I want her by my side.

Why do you want her by your side so badly.

She continues to show you who she is, and that is someone that is untrustworthy, and unwilling to do the work on herself to fix her brokenness to become a safe partner again.

You are allowing her to control this whole thing.

It's insanity. I hope you bought trip insurance, so you can cancel it, when you find out she is still having contact w/ this guy. The fact that she sees nothing wrong w/ "being friendly" w/ this asshat is a giant red flag. The fact that you are trying to nice her into being a decent wife shows how little you are understanding what you truly need to do to turn things around.

Also what is the deal w/ her and your daughter. She has a boyfriend, but still wants to cosleep? There are some big issues here that you seem to gloss over.

Again, get yourself into therapy, if you are unwilling to do that, then keep a standing appt w/ your Dr for STD testing. She will eventually give you something unless there are real changes.

she simply said that she messaged him letting him know she had seen him. She swore she was over him in that way and was just being friendly.

She got balls on her, got to give her that.

She's just being friendly.

Shes chasing him and you are living on hopium but the hard facts tell you more.

I’d bet this isn’t over by along shot.

Edited: removed original comment as it's moot.

I don't think you're going to successfully R. It's a pipe dream. Your wife will cheat on you again. You'll take her back because you have very serious issues. She has no respect for you. Its pretty clear. I'm sorry you're here, but you'll be back...in worse shape than now.

[This message edited by redwing6 at 6:02 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]

She got balls on her

Eh, not really. She's under no real pressure from OP, he's pretty much let her do whatever and is even rewarding her. Doesn't take balls, just a situational lack of them.

Account

2X4 coming in:

I just want to be wanted, loved and needed. I don’t know what she is feeling. I don’t know if some of the things she says is truth and she is planning to be with me in the long term or not.

You are the pup that adores her unconditionally, and she knows it..... she knows that she can kick you, but you will always go back to her, whimpering a bit, but ultimately will never leave her.

She can depend on you always chasing her. She can have a gazillion boyfriends/lovers/FWBs, but you will always go back to her.....

For your own sanity, and health, I do hope you can break this pattern in you.

She seems to have a lot of control in this relationship, not just with you but also with your relationship with your daughter - she allows you do come along to things with your daughter. So she thinks she can call the shots. Listen to the advice on SI. There are definitely things you can do to feel like you are back in control - even smal steps.

Account4This, I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I also have co-dependency issue I'm trying to overcome but I know how hard it is. I hope you can find the strength to do what's right for you.

We can do it.

She messaged the affair partner? I'd be willing to bet that Marz is right. "Shes chasing him and you are living on hopium but the hard facts tell you more." "I’d bet this isn’t over by along shot."

Like other posters have indicated, I'm hoping that you're going to get your head in the game. Your wife is still hoping to continue with the other man.